To NOT want to adopt?

[Redpolkadots2]

My DH has zero sperm count and obviously this means conceiving children naturally is out.

One option is to have a baby using donated sleek via IVF. The child of course wouldn't be DH's biologically.

The other option is adoption but I really don't think I want to do this (DH is fine either way.) the reasons are:

I do want a baby and I can't pretend this isn't important to me, being pregnant and breastfeeding and giving birth. Naming our child. Seeing all the important milestones.

I hate how invasive adoption is; I fully understand it has to be but I just shudder at the thought of past partners being probed and colleagues!

I feel it's confusing for the child as they are encouraged to maintain some sort of relationship with birth parents and siblings and I'm not sure I like this.

But is this selfish? Someone on another forum said it was

I'm definitely not anti adoption and I think people who are adopt are amazing but aibu to say it's not for me?

[magso]

YANBU. If its not for you its not for you. Its not selfish to know your own mind. Adoption is often hard path for most, and must be wanted by all parties IMHO.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Yanbu. Adoption is one of two choices you have and the choice is yours and dh's to make.
Fwiw, we faced a similar situation ten years ago, dh has zero sperm count due to his genetics. We now have three gorgeous donor conceived children. I wish you the best of luck. Do pm me if you think it'd help.

[mrsballack]

Yanbu. We were in the same situation as you are and very nearly went ahead with donor iui. But there was always a little voice in my head telling me that this wasn't right for us.
I'm sitting here with my adorable 2 year old daughter who would be living elsewhere had I not listened to that voice and the thought of never having met her or her brother is unimaginable. But adoption is not for everyone. If you don't feel able to do it, then don't. It's your life and nobody else's business.
Oh and my children are not somebody else's. They have a birth family but they are very much ours.

[RhinosAreFatUnicorns]

YANBU.

As a mum (to an adopted DD) the choice is entirely yours. The issue with our infertility lies with me - low AMH, off the scale FSH. Egg donation was our answer - I refused. I couldn't imagine a child that was DH's biological child but not mine.

My solution was adoption. I couldn't imagine anything else at that point, but we are all different - we can cope with different things.

I wanted a baby - and got one - but I don't regret not being pregnant and giving birth. Selfishly, I wanted a child, and that's what I have.

And she is amazing :). I truly believe it was meant to be this way for us. But adoption isn't for everyone. You have both got to want it. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[victoryinthekitchen]

yanbu, you're being realistic, I have close family experience of adoption which has been wonderful and also heartbreaking. I couldn't adopt and admire people who do.

[Redpolkadots2]

Don't be offended mrsballack - it's just how I see it.

The bonds the child has with the birth family, that the process encourages and from what I have read prioritises, would make them feel, to me, like somebody else's.

I am aware this feeling makes me as unsuited to an adopted child as they would be to me, and I admire anyone who doesn't see it like this.

[Doris75]

As an adopter I know you have to be 100% committed. It's wonderful but hard work in ways that you'd never think. The process itself isn't so bad actually (it gets a bad press, I think) and every child that comes through the system doesn't necessarily continue contact with birth family throughout. However, well done you for realising your limitations. YANBU. Good luck with getting the family you want. It will happen one way or another, I'm sure.

[mrsballack]

Oh I'm not offended. It takes a lot to offend me. I just said to illustrate how I feel. If you aren't able to feel that way then adoption isn't right for you and you are right to pursue the other option you (thankfully) have. It wasn't right for us, but then we are all different, thank god.

[IsThisOneTaken]

Hi Redpolka

The 'bonds to a birth family' are not prioritised in any way that I've seen... our childrens' birth parents send them birthday and Christmas cards and that's it. We will support them finding their birth family when/if they want to (which may be before 18 - it's at 18 that the birth family can look to contact the children) because it's such a massive part of their identity.

That said... I do understand what you are saying and am not trying to minimise it. The complex adoption triad (as we 'in the biz' call it) between child, adoptive parents and birth parents is a big part of adoption and it's something that puts a lot of people off. That doesn't make you selfish and full credit to you for realising it.

[Redpolkadots2]

Glad I haven't offended you: it can be a bit of a minefield can't it? :)

[Redpolkadots2]

IsThisOne - I am in particular thinking of things like naming the child: I know, from threads here, you can do this but it isn't encouraged - I would hate this, really, really hate to feel someone else had named my child, and it would stop them feeling like 'mine.' Also, things like siblings. I would feel very strange about this: a good friend has a daughter who she adopted when the girl was 3. The girl has a younger sister who stayed with the birth parents - the DD has now moved in with her birth parents and sister (she is 19) and plans to get a flat with her sister when the sister is 18.

It would feel like constantly having to share them, like everybody except you mattered and was important. Child first, naturally - but then you come at the end of a long, long list.

I know the above isn't true in every case but it's presence, the process I suppose, just puts me off.

[weegiemum]

We talked about this many years back, after my 2nd mc. What would we do? We both had some issues with the IVF system that are quite personal, so had ruled that out. We would have looked at adoption more seriously at that point.

We then managed (with only 1 more mc) to have 3 dc. We even looked in to adopting afterwards but my physical health issues and severe pnd meant we would never have been approved.

For some, adoption is right, for others, it's IVF, with or without donors. Yanbu no matter what you choose, it has to be what's right for your family.

[Flowersandleaves]

for having to face such difficult decisions.

Of course you are not being selfish for not wanting to adopt.

Seriously, that is such a hypocritical thing to say. We all do things that make sense to us and our own personal circumstances, emotions abilities etc. and rightly so.

Anyone who judges you for not adopting is unkind and should look at themselves and their own life choices. I bet there are many things that others would perceive as 'selfish'.


I hope you will find the right way for you and your family .

[IsThisOneTaken]

Ah, I see.

Yes, there's no getting away from it - it's absolutely not the same as parenting a birth child.

I wish you every success on your journey - whichever road you take. And tell anyone who says your selfish for not adopting that they're barking.

[PiperRose]

YANBU if adoption isn't for you then it's not for you. I work for Children's Social Care so I've met my fair share of adopters and adoptees and seriously the amount of people it hasn't worked for is negligible. There are many, many children out there desperately in need of loving and stable homes but if you're not 100% committed to it then I wouldn't do it.

However, if this is your husband prefers this route to sperm donation then I think you need to at least give it some consideration, because he could resent the fact that that a child from sperm donation would be biologically yours but not is. Adoption would give you an equal footing.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

[Bue]

YANBU. I would be much keener on adoption if I knew there would be a baby at the end of it, but the vast majority of children are out of babyhood by the time they are put forward to be adopted. I also feel the same about naming. I'm extremely interested in naming and the sociology of names, so I just can't fathom not naming my own child, or raising a child whose name I disliked - I literally don't think I could do it.

[Lilka]

I'm a single adoptive mum with 3 kids. I will disclaimer that I didn't come to adoption through infertility like many people do. But adopting and giving birth are very different ways of becoming a parent and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to do one or the other.

I never see adoptive parents berating other people for being 'selfish' by not adopting. That's something I've only seen childless/free people and birth parents doing! And it's because having gone through not only the adoption process, but for many adopters a difficult path with sometimes multiple fertility treatments, we mostly are acutely aware of why there's no such thing as 'just adopting'. Intrestingly some people going "oh they are so amazing to have adopted" (pfft) seem to be forgetting that a good percent of these people, would never have adopted had they not had fertility problems. And there's nothing wrong with that in the slightest.

Clearly we all agree that ALL children, adopted or not, deserve parents who see them as their own beloved children, so it works out for the best if no one lets themselves feel somehow obligated to adopt if the reality of it is not something they could deal with. Sometimes people who thought 'I could never adopt' go through a total mindset change between starting TTC and then starting the adoption process, but that's a long term natural thought process and it can hardly be forced, or guilt tripped into existance.

[Doris75]

I posted earlier saying that YANBU, good on you. I wanted to just mention though that if given the choice between my own birth child or DS It's a no brainer. He'd win every time. I couldn't imagine anyone else. He's here, he's ours. And a big thumbs up to his birth mother, I say. Without her, we wouldn't have him.

[deakymom]

not sure if this is helpful but my DH was told no chance of children ever and we have two biological children sperm counts can change xx

adoption isn't for everyone my former work college could not have children biologically she adopted two children she got depressed about it but came through recently and is fine now she felt guilty she couldn't give her husband what he wanted a child of his own he wouldn't change it loves his children but the guilt crippled her emotionally

[RhinosAreFatUnicorns]

Another example of how we are all different. I felt tremendous guilt... up until the point at which we adopted DD. We finally had our own child and I could put all those feelings to bed.

[expatinscotland]

YANBU

[justmyview]

I'm not sure many adopted children have ties / ongoing bond with birth family. At most, I think it'll be letterbox contact once per year. For my part, I think children should keep the name their birth family chose. All of this is to help the child to have some sense of his own identity. However, I don't think anyone should adopt if they're not committed to the idea, so I think it's fair enough that you recognise it's not for you

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Yanbu

It's how you feel and you are being honest with yourself.