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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to physically enjoy sex with a man even though I feel I'm gay?

108 replies

Abloodybigmessinside · 14/08/2014 16:55

I guess I'm looking for opinions as to whether this is normal.
I can have a nice time whilst being intimate with a man, even manage to climax with the right 'help'... But, I used to date women and really yearn to be with a woman. I feel I'm gay..
Are there any other gay people out there that have enjoyed sex with the opposite sex but were still sure they were gay? It's just a feeling I have inside.

OP posts:
Namechangearoonie123 · 14/08/2014 16:56

Would it be ok with you if you were Bi?

juneybean · 14/08/2014 16:56

Do you really feel you need to label yourself? Isn't sexuality fairly liquid?

manicinsomniac · 14/08/2014 17:00

Could you be bisexual?

NorwaySpruce · 14/08/2014 17:01

Well it's hardly unreasonable, you feel what you feel.

I know people who've been married to someone of the opposite sex for years, but who are definitely bi.

It isn't uncommon to have a preference, but still be capable of relationships with/enjoy sex with the other sex.

sunnyrosegarden · 14/08/2014 17:08

Juney - I read that as fairy liquid! That really confused me.

Agree, though. I always thought of sexuality as fairly liquid too.

thecageisfull · 14/08/2014 17:16

I like sex with men. I'm definitely bi and don't feel the least bit liquid and I'm not going to make any jokes about being wet
I'm in a relationship with a man but, in all honesty if my relationship broke down I don't think I would be with another man because I enjoy the company of women so much more. It's not something I noticed when I was younger but I find middle aged blokes to be a bit...I don't know, preferable in small doses. That's a massive generalisation but my point is I don't feel gay, even though my emotional preference leans towards women because my physical preference is for anyone both.
I think you can identify how you like and if you are going to date only women then it seems reasonable to call yourself gay if you want.

AMumInScotland · 14/08/2014 17:28

No personal experience, but I remember a quote from George Michael when he came out as gay. It was along the lines of "I used to identify as bisexual because I assumed it was about who you could get it up for. Now I know I'm gay, because I understand that it's not just about who you can get it up for but also who you can love"

Translate 'get it up for' into 'enjoy sex with' and I think that's about what you're saying.

OHforDUCKScake · 14/08/2014 17:33

Sexuality fairy liquid. Grin

I totally know it didnt really say that, but I like it anyway. Grin

juneybean · 14/08/2014 17:37

I think it could be a new scent...

ADHDNoodles · 14/08/2014 18:06

You could probably get off with a dildo or vibrator too. You're not attracted to sex toys are you?

Just because your body physically responds to something doesn't mean you're emotionally there. If that makes sense.

So yes, it's possible to be attracted to women and still orgasm with men.

Pandora37 · 14/08/2014 18:07

I don't think it's that uncommon. I know a lesbian who had sex with men occasionally, some people would say that means she isn't a lesbian but in my eyes she was as she wasn't interested in going further than one night stands with men and she was romantically attracted to women. She just found some men physically attractive but wouldn't want to be in a romantic relationship with them. That sounds like you.

I'm the opposite in that I'm only really interested in romantic relationships with men (although I might consider a relationship with a woman, I've just never met anyone I would want to have one with and I don't know if it would be satisfying to me in the same way) but I'm sexually attracted to women as well. I don't know what I define myself as, bisexual I guess, but I don't stress about it too much.

lucyintheskywithdinos · 14/08/2014 18:14

There is an idea around that your romantic orientations and your sexual orientations can be different.

So, I would describe someone like you OP as a 'homoromantic bisexual'.

I'm an aromantic pansexual.

Probably there are people who will object to the extra labelling or think that it is endlessly complicated...I'm in favour of things that help people understand themselves and seeing romantic attraction as separate from sexual attraction is helpful to me.

Original poster
Abloodybigmessinside · 14/08/2014 18:33

Thanks all. The George Michael quote is interesting.

The man in my life, I do love him.. I'm just not sure it's the same sort of love I have felt when I have been with women. It's hard to explain. It's like, I find men attractive, however I rarely have a strong urge to sleep with them.. But I can enjoy it when I do, with this particular man..

But the feelings I have had for women in the past, and the way I felt when I slept with them, just felt so natural. There were no doubts in my mind, I just wanted to do it and it felt like the ultimate enjoyment, for me.

So although I can enjoy it with a man, I really enjoy the feeling I get when I'm with a woman..

I have had quite a few one night stands in my you get days with men but didn't really enjoy the sex overall..

OP posts:
PiperRose · 14/08/2014 18:47

Why do you need a label?

WowserBowser · 14/08/2014 18:54

I find men attractive but rarely have a strong urge to sleep with them. And i would say I'm straight.

WowserBowser · 14/08/2014 18:55

I'm not saying your straight by the way! I just meant it's horses for courses.

WowserBowser · 14/08/2014 18:56

*you're

Original poster
Abloodybigmessinside · 14/08/2014 19:03

Haha WowserGrin

I don't know why I need a label, I'm just feeling confused and like I need to decide what is right for me..

I used to identify as a lesbian.. Then I got together with this man and 10 years later, here I am.. Now thinking I'm a lesbian afterall.. I guess as we're trying to work out what to do about our relationship in need to clarify what the issues are..

OP posts:
VitoCorleone · 14/08/2014 19:04

Fairy liquid? What does this mean?

VitoCorleone · 14/08/2014 19:05

Whoops, it says fairly not fairy. Sorry! Blush

Rebecca2014 · 14/08/2014 19:16

You are not a lesbian. Lesbians do not sleep with men and enjoy it. My friend is a lesbian and would feel offended by this post, this is why so many men believe they can turn a lesbian.

mollypup · 14/08/2014 19:20

I have been with my male partner for 3 and a half years. Prior to that I had relationships with both men and women. I think I enjoy sex more with women in that I felt there was more of an urge there to have sex but I enjoy the love and dynamic in my relationship now.

mollypup · 14/08/2014 19:21

rebecca2014 surely sexuality is not so black and white though? my ex was a lesbian and slept with a guy once and has kissed guys. She still identifies as a lesbian, there is nothing wrong with that.

Original poster
Abloodybigmessinside · 14/08/2014 19:24

Rebecca, I appreciate what you're saying but I know my ex for one enjoyed sex with a man and is now a lesbian.

I'm talking about physical enjoyment, as in, getting results vs the overall feeling of connection between two people and emotions involved.

Please don't tell me what I am. I feel very strongly about it.. This is not just something I am merely mulling over, I've been seeing a counsellor etc

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 14/08/2014 19:26

The op has been with this man for ten years and has said she enjoyed sex with him for all that time. How can you possibly call her a lesbian? Bisexual yes but she is not a lesbian.