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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to physically enjoy sex with a man even though I feel I'm gay?

108 replies

Abloodybigmessinside · 14/08/2014 16:55

I guess I'm looking for opinions as to whether this is normal.
I can have a nice time whilst being intimate with a man, even manage to climax with the right 'help'... But, I used to date women and really yearn to be with a woman. I feel I'm gay..
Are there any other gay people out there that have enjoyed sex with the opposite sex but were still sure they were gay? It's just a feeling I have inside.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 14/08/2014 19:28

As long as nobody gets hurt or deceived I can't see the problem but if you're not happy then there is a problem. I know of a few women who were married for years and then found out they were gay. So it isn't really a cut and dried thing. IMHO.

Igggi · 14/08/2014 19:30

So you don't feel really connected with the man you are with, have I understood that correctly?

BriarRainbowshimmer · 14/08/2014 19:36

OP you're not a lesbian but probably bisexual. If you were a lesbian you'd never want to get close to a man in a sexual way.

It seems that a lot of people don't want to call themselves bi. It makes me sad. What's wrong with that?

Bouttimeforwine · 14/08/2014 19:39

If you are bi, then although you may be romantically attracted to both sexes, can you have a preference whether penetration is involved?

Just musing how the technicalities work?

BriarRainbowshimmer · 14/08/2014 19:41

How do you mean Bouttime? Of course bisexuals can have preferences for what type of sex acts they like Confused

HerrenaHarridan · 14/08/2014 19:41

There are so many shades of grey, generally I do not label myself but if pushed I would say the most accurate description I have ever found is homoflexible. I am interested in relationships with women only but would consider sleeping with a man as a one night stand or part of a group thing.

To put this in context, I have had relationships with both men and women but have never walked down the street and thought check out that hot bloke. I would not consider entering into a relationship with a man.

Certain people would try and squash me into the box labelled bisexual but I don't think that I fit in there.

BriarRainbowshimmer · 14/08/2014 19:43

Just please don't call yourself a lesbian if you are also interested in men.

Bouttimeforwine · 14/08/2014 19:45

Just whether you can prefer sex with a man but emotionally connect more with a woman say - or the other way round- but i guess that has already been partially answered already.

As a straight woman it is hard to get your head around the whole both sexes thing.

itsbetterthanabox · 14/08/2014 19:49

Are you attracted to these men though op? You can enjoy a sexual act because your body responds but do you have crushes on and desire men?

thecageisfull · 14/08/2014 20:05

It seems that a lot of people don't want to call themselves bi. It makes me sad. What's wrong with that?

I struggle to call myself bi in real life because biphobia is still rampant. Identifying as bi as a teenager made me feel like all the 'it's just a phase' comments would appear to be true and it felt like a betrayal to the same sex relationships that I'd had. I'm in a hetero relationship atm so I get the usual prejudices such as, I'm really gay, but in denial, I'm really straight but pretend to be into girls to turn men on, I'm gay but 'settled' for my male DP so I could have kids and a 'normal' life, I'm confused. Lots of lesbians simply won't date bi women so if I were single I know I'd struggle to meet a woman if I identified as bi. People say on dating sites if you put bi, you get extra interest from men (I think because they think you'll be into performance sex and threesomes), and zero interest from women.

article about why so few bisexuals are out

BriarRainbowshimmer · 14/08/2014 20:12

I know thecage, I am bi.
BIBIBIBIBIBI I want to shout to the world that there is nothing wrong with that, it's not a phase and it doesn't make you a "slut" and fuck off men and sleazy couples with your threesome crap. I am faithful and introverted.

Bifauxnen · 14/08/2014 20:12

You're bi. What's the drama?

thecageisfull · 14/08/2014 20:16

I am faithful and introverted

Me too. I might use that next time I'm in on of those hideous 'tell us something about yourself' meetings.

x2boys · 14/08/2014 20:19

Would people still say someone was bisexual if they had predominantly straight relationships but had had a same sex sexual experience? My friend has been out as a lesbian for about twenty years she identifies herself aS a lesbian but prior to coming out she had a relationship with a man for three years ?

juneybean · 14/08/2014 20:21

But she's no longer having a relationship with a man now?

Like I say, why do we need labels!

BriarRainbowshimmer · 14/08/2014 20:21

Perhaps your friend was in the closet. IDK

x2boys · 14/08/2014 20:25

Yes briar I think she would agree she was she was also fairly young when she was in a relationship with a man about 18-21 and came out at about 22 and as far as I know has only had relationships with women since .

Original poster
Abloodybigmessinside · 14/08/2014 20:29

Why do people feel the need to day to me 'you're bi' and 'you're not a lesbian' ?

Only I can know that in my heart IMO.

I haven't said anywhere that I have enjoyed sex for the whole time I have been with this man.

Lives are complex, not everything is straight forward. Sometimes people do things because of social pressures.. Personally, I very clearly felt my parents disapproval when they suspected I was with a woman and that affected the way I acted, I don't realise that back then though.

Sex in our relationship has been infrequent, a lot of the time I have found myself wishing it to be over, usually alcohol is involved.

Look, what I'm saying is that I just feel this. All I can go by are my feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Abloodybigmessinside · 14/08/2014 20:31

Pls excuse typos, on my phone

OP posts:
BriarRainbowshimmer · 14/08/2014 20:34

That's right we don't know exactly what's going on in your heart and life OP. However, you said in your first post that you enjoyed being with a man sexually.

Lesbians are very frustrated with women who are also attracted to men and still call themselves lesbians/dykes. Lesbian/gay means something specific: Homosexual.

Saoirseba · 14/08/2014 20:39

"Why do we need labels" - straight people who've never had to question or explain their sexuality in their life

Original poster
Abloodybigmessinside · 14/08/2014 20:42

Briar - I'm sorry lesbians as a whole are frustrated with that. I don't think you can speak for the entire lesbian population though, really. As I said, I identified and lived as a lesbian from the age of 16- 22..

I think my situation is more a case of going in to denial/back in the closet than a case of being a lady who pretends to be gay.

There are plenty of gay people who have been married/in straight relationships then went on to come out, Elton John, Ellen, George Michael etc.. It is possible that I am a lesbian, I'm not trying to offend other lesbians by saying that.

I am attracted to people's personalities, I fell for my partners charisma, kindness, sense of humour. I can physically climax through certain stimulation with him but emotionally, I am never fully there. I know it's complex but I know what I feel inside.

OP posts:
Saoirseba · 14/08/2014 20:42

She might have enjoyed the physical sensations of sex it doesn't mean she's necessarily "attracted to men" jfc being a lesbian doesn't necessarily mean you're repulsed by penis/the thought of being with a man. I honestly think a lot of it is straight people projecting their disgust.

Original poster
Abloodybigmessinside · 14/08/2014 20:43

I appreciate some people hate being labelled. For me though, I find it helpful.. I would happily label myself as bi but I don't feel that's what I am really...

OP posts:
itsbetterthanabox · 14/08/2014 20:44

When people say we don't need labels I'm confused and think they don't understand bisexuality.
If you have attraction to both sexes at any time, romantic or sexual feelings of any kind you are bi. Just because you date more of one sex or are more frequently attracted to one sex doesn't mean you aren't bi. It's straight people that can't get their head around it that bisexuality isn't 50/50 that causes this. There's no shame in saying you are bisexual!

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