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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are the grandparents obsessed with sleepovers for my newborn?!

117 replies

Clubtropicanap · 14/08/2014 16:21

Well she is not so newborn anymore, 4 months old now. But this has been going on since a couple of weeks old. Why does my MIL want her to sleepover? She has babysat during the day for us and never follows my timetable for sleeps at certain times, wake her up if she goes more than half an hour over, etc.

So I'm obviously reluctant for a sleepover because I feel certain she wouldn't follow routine which is working very nicely for us! And I don't know what she would get out of it either. My baby sleeps through (not boasting I know I just got lucky with this). So where is the quality time in that? MIL often gets the chance to bath and put baby to bed, bedtime milk etc so it can't be that ...

I know she co-slept with all her children, her youngest one until 8 years old. I am scared she will try to do the same with my baby, even though I have expressed my fears over SIDS because of 2 losses in my close family to this.

Are there any grandparents out there who can shed some light on the big thing about having baby sleepover?

OP posts:
freyaW2014 · 14/08/2014 16:25

I don't really know, perhaps she thinks you might like a break? I don't think yabu but then I d

freyaW2014 · 14/08/2014 16:25

Don't think she is either

WaffleWiffle · 14/08/2014 16:28

Maybe she is just trying to be nice/kind to you?

Original poster
Clubtropicanap · 14/08/2014 16:28

A break from our baby that sleeps through the night?

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 14/08/2014 16:28

State to her firmly that you don't want to be apart from your baby, that's the end of the discussion.

If she gets arsey, so be it, that's her issue to deal with.

Be firm and don't feel pressured to let her have your dd.

Original poster
Clubtropicanap · 14/08/2014 16:29

I have said no several times, but she keeps sending messages through My FIL and SIL that she is 'desperate' to have baby over to stay the night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Clubtropicanap · 14/08/2014 16:30

Is it just me that thinks it's completely unnatural for a young baby to be apart from its mother through the night? And unnecessary?

OP posts:
Poolbirthx2 · 14/08/2014 16:30

I wish grandparents would offer us a break lol

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 14/08/2014 16:30

Keep saying no, desperate or not.

No
No
No.

NorwaySpruce · 14/08/2014 16:34

Because babies are nice to look after, and it's nice to be part of a close family with all of the generations involved in looking after the children.

My children stayed over night with their grandparents from the time they were about three months old.

It was pretty usual in our family though, they were just there, as part and parcel of the children's upbringing (even though we lived 50+ miles apart).

It wasn't because we as parents needed a 'break', but because we appreciated what other people could bring to the children's lives (we did appreciate the time out over the years though!) Grin
We never had issues with finding childcare or missing appointments, because there was always a backup carer who was incredibly close to the children.

If you don't like the idea of that though, it's your call.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 14/08/2014 16:40

It doesn't matter how much Granny wants a sleepover, if you as her Mum, are uncomfortable with it and don't want her to go away overnight that's all that really matters.

Annarose2014 · 14/08/2014 16:41

Smells very much to me by her using the word "desperate" that she is wanting to re-live some Mummy time.

If she co-slept for 8 years she may very well miss that feeling acutely. After all, its never ever going to happen again - she's lost that cuddliness forever. .......Unless you hand over a convenient baby!

I would bet good money she'd have the baby in bed with her. She'd probably reason that it did her kids no harm, and you'd never know anyway.

Whats your DHs attitude to her pleading?

sebsmummy1 · 14/08/2014 16:43

The thought of my son at four months having sleep overs would have been ludicrous. He was still cluster feeding and would have a dream feed then another feed at about 3am before waking at about 6am. My gut instinct would be that MIL is trying to relive her mothering years, which I can understand, but it's just not practical. Your baby is too little.

ROARmeow · 14/08/2014 16:43

My MIL and DM bought a cot when our PFB was born (1st grandchild on both sides).

5 years down the road and 2 DC later, and said PFB has slept over a handful of times. For my DM and MIL it was more about the offering and the 'look' of things, rather than the actual doing - lots of cancelling, vague arrangements etc.

Tell your MIL that you're chuffed she's so keen, but that you'll ask her when you're ready, and when your DC is at an age you think is more suitable.

She can't force you.

SputnikSausage · 14/08/2014 16:44

It really doesn't matter what she wants. Four months old is still very little.

I would tell her that you are not ready for this, and you will revisit the question when baby reaches 12 months, and not before so please don't ask again.

WeAreAllStarDust · 14/08/2014 16:53

Stand your ground. What does your DH say? I remember when my DS was about 3/4 months and my DP was working away, I was struggling on very little sleep and feeling like crap. My MIL took the baby one Saturday night, i was to have tea, a bath, and go away to bed. Instead I stood in the doorway of his nursery bawling my eyes out, and spent the rest of the night crying in my bed. I felt even worse the next day.

You put your foot down, dont let anyone boss you about, and so what if they get offended? Big deal!!

TheGoop · 14/08/2014 16:56

Yeah - doesn't matter what she wants. Maybe visit her a bit more but just keep saying no!

BeansieBeansieBeansie · 14/08/2014 16:58

No no no!

Listen to your instincts. 4 months is too young to hand your baby over to someone who is 'desperate' to have them.

It's about her needs, not yours or your Sc's.

kinkytoes · 14/08/2014 17:00

My ds is 17 months and the pils have talked recently about taking him away on holiday!! It made me feel rotten, just the thought of it, I would miss him and worry about him too much. I told dp as much and he's spoken to the pils and asked them to leave it be, which they have thankfully. Maybe one day, but it has to be when I'm ready.

What's your dp's take on this?

parallax80 · 14/08/2014 17:03

Because babies are nice to look after, and it's nice to be part of a close family with all of the generations involved in looking after the children.

This only holds true if "close" means you have similar world views and mutual respect.

SirChenjin · 14/08/2014 17:09

She wants to hold a baby again, I think. Perhaps she misses that tiny stage and cuddling into them?

Either way, keep saying "no". The fact that she keeps on asking, even after you've said no, is just plain rude - it's your baby, not hers, and you get to decide. I bet she would co-sleep, despite all her promises to the contrary. Tell your DH to have a word with her and tell her to back off.

sunnyrosegarden · 14/08/2014 17:14

I had something similar, and just said no. Dcs have a great relationship with gps, but I think the fact that mil was so desperate for me to leave pfb with her, and for me to get out of her way, made me more wary. It didnt feel as though she wanted to do it as a family thing, more for her personal benefit.

DartmoorDoughnut · 14/08/2014 17:16

No idea why she won't take no for an answer but just keep on saying it!

FreeSpirit89 · 14/08/2014 17:17

My mum (DS's nanny) had him over night a few days after he was born. I was I'll and really needed sleep.

madamweasel · 14/08/2014 17:19

Sounds like she wants to relive her mummy days. My MIL is like this. She doesn't nag to have DS stay the night but she insists on babying him in other ways, e.g. She mushes up his food and spoon feeds him, even though he's 2, has all his teeth and can eat perfectly fine by himself. She also used to tell me off about how I used to parent him as a baby, etc, which used to rile me.

I've come to the conclusion that I allow her to do things 'her way' within reason even though it's excruciating to watch so that she feels she has some quality time with him, but ultimately, I'm his mother and what I say, goes. If I wasn't comfortable leaving him overnight with her, then I wouldn't. It's your call.

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