Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are the grandparents obsessed with sleepovers for my newborn?!

117 replies

Clubtropicanap · 14/08/2014 16:21

Well she is not so newborn anymore, 4 months old now. But this has been going on since a couple of weeks old. Why does my MIL want her to sleepover? She has babysat during the day for us and never follows my timetable for sleeps at certain times, wake her up if she goes more than half an hour over, etc.

So I'm obviously reluctant for a sleepover because I feel certain she wouldn't follow routine which is working very nicely for us! And I don't know what she would get out of it either. My baby sleeps through (not boasting I know I just got lucky with this). So where is the quality time in that? MIL often gets the chance to bath and put baby to bed, bedtime milk etc so it can't be that ...

I know she co-slept with all her children, her youngest one until 8 years old. I am scared she will try to do the same with my baby, even though I have expressed my fears over SIDS because of 2 losses in my close family to this.

Are there any grandparents out there who can shed some light on the big thing about having baby sleepover?

OP posts:
Wonc · 15/08/2014 04:11

Yanbu.

I told MIL the kids could sleep over when they were old enough to request it themselves.

slightlyconfused85 · 15/08/2014 06:30

If you don't feel comfortable with it then Yanbu. She probably just loves your dd and would like to have her there in the morning. I let dd go to my mum at 3 months, she also slept through because I was very tired as I am a bad sleeper and dd was a real cryer. It really.helped.and I.trust my mums.care. however, I was happy with this if you're not then don't.do it.

ememem84 · 15/08/2014 07:11

Could you stay over as well? Just let mil do the baby things that night and you could have a rest...?

KittyOSullivanKrauss · 15/08/2014 07:38

We have a close family with MIL doing lots of childcare and having DS stay over with her, and he didn't stay overnight with her until we were both ready (he was over 2.5 I think). Just because it's not ok now, doesn't mean it won't be ok in the future. My very lovely and involved MIL wouldn't want a small baby staying over. She wants to be a grandparent, not a mummy again.

however · 15/08/2014 07:45

I have a theory (actually, it just occurred to me).

When our mothers and MILs were having babies, crying it out/forced routines/not co-sleeping etc/kids being seen and not heard etc was all the rage.

Perhaps subconsciously they felt they missed out?

Mum and My MIL never slept with their kids.

When my kids came along, they did (and still do) it all the time.

That's not to say that you acquiesce to their demands, mind. It was just a thought.

diaimchlo · 15/08/2014 07:48

I often wonder whether GPs experience some kind of physical need for closeness to their GDC, perhaps like the one parents feel. Obviously not as strong, but something.

A GP is also one of her GDC's parents Mother and in my case even though my DC's are all adult now you do not stop having maternal feelings for them and want to help them in any way you can.

I am lucky that I have had the pleasure of having my GDC's overnight on a regular basis from a very young age, to give my DD and her DH a break. Which has led to wonderful, loving and respected relationships between me and my GDC's, they now ask if they can come and stay at Nana's, in fact my 12 year old GDD is sleeping as I type. Nothing fills my heart more than hearing "Nana's here" and them running up to me with big smiles and massive leg hugs when I visit their home. My 12 year old DGD made my eyes fill up the other day when she said "Nana I love talking to you".

The love I feel for my GDC's is the same as I feel for my DC's, but the responsibility of their upbringing is their parent's which I respect. and would never go against their wishes.

If there are issues with GPs that you feel would be detrimental to the health and well-being of your babies then overnight stays would be out of the question, but I do feel that for those where there is no issue they would be beneficial to all parties concerned. At some stage most parents will need the help of someone to have their DCs over night, at times with no prior notice, which could prove very difficult if an over night stay had not already happened.

Please do remember that one day you will be a DGP to your children's children.

Wherediparkmybroom · 15/08/2014 08:02

My first born has always slept over with nanny, at nearly eight he still stays and shares her bed, the relationship he enjoys is so much closer than the other grandchildren. I was the same and to be honest still am with my nan.
Maybe it's a first grandchild thing!

SirChenjin · 15/08/2014 08:05

I'm sure that the OP is well aware that she might be a DGP to her children's children one day, and will probably be far more respectful of her DDs and SonIL's wishes than her own MIL is being as a result.

As someone upthread said, it doesn't matter what any of us think - the fact is, she doesn't want her 4 month old baby sleeping over at her MILs, and yet, despite this, her MIL has gone on and on about it. This is not what the OP needs - she needs a MIL who makes it clear that she's there when/if she's needed, as opposed to someone who is more concerned about herself. The rule here is make the offer, and then step back - don't go on and on about having the baby for a sleepover.

As for having "wonderful, loving and respected relationships" - it is perfectly possible to have this with DGP that you may only see occasionally due to distance, or breastfeeding, or whatever - wonderful, loving and respected relationships and not dependent on sleepovers, and if the MIL/FIL undermines the wishes of the parents then the chances having that type of relationship diminish rapidly.

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 15/08/2014 08:14

I have a 4mo and I can't understand why anyone would want a baby this age overnight, broken sleep is no fun! The MIL who tried to block the exit of a 7wo bf baby - how did she imagine it would be an enjoyable experience to have a baby screaming for milk that she couldn't provide all night? What did she plan to do?

Anyway, I've never considered it because my babies are/were breastfed and this one co-sleeps so it's not an option but whilst all the grandparents are lovely, trustworthy, devoted and involved they certainly haven't expressed a desire to be woken up every couple of hours all night and I can't say I blame them!

diaimchlo · 15/08/2014 08:22

SirChenjin Shock

I was not saying that the OP should allow her MIL to have baby overnight till she is ready. That is her decision to make. I was answering:

I often wonder whether GPs experience some kind of physical need for closeness to their GDC, perhaps like the one parents feel. Obviously not as strong, but something. by giving my experiences, I understand that it does not work for everyone.

I am sorry but your post is very stern and I duly find myself told off Sad, but still stand by what I have said.

wheresthelight · 15/08/2014 08:32

My mum has tried this several times and each time I said no thanks I am fine. Dd turns 1 tomorrow and has yet to spend a night away from me. She suffers from separation anxiety at night and whilst happy to be left in the day she refuses to sleep if I am not there even with dp.

Just say no, she is being ridiculous

MaryWestmacott · 15/08/2014 08:38

Ok, your dd sleeps though, so this is not about giving you a break, as the time you could do with a break would be in the day, not the evening/night.

It's not about what's best for dd, because if she sleeps well there, then she'll not benefit from being with her gm when asleep, and if she's awake then it will be worse for her to have a bad night sleep at gm's house than a full night at her own.

This is just about what the gm wants/needs. She's being selfish, so don't feel guilty being selfish back.

Quality time with a grandchild is when they are awake. Stick to your guns.

SirChenjin · 15/08/2014 08:40

I certainly did not mean it to come across as such, but your claim that - and I quote - "I have had the pleasure of having my GDC's overnight on a regular basis from a very young age, to give my DD and her DH a break. Which has led to wonderful, loving and respected relationships between me and my GDC's" - insinuate that sleepovers result in this type of relationship, and by denying the DGPs and your DC the opportunity to sleep over you are denying them the opportunity to build such a relationship. The reminder that "at some stage most parents will need the help of someone to have their DCs over night, at times with no prior notice, which could prove very difficult if an over night stay had not already happened" smacks of emotional blackmail - ie, if you don't let your DC sleep over at mine then remember, you'll need me someday and it will be very upsetting for your DC because you've not let them sleep over at mine before now.

For those of us whose parent's didn't have 'the pleasure' of sleepovers from a young age, but who still had lovely relationships with the DGC, we are fully aware that sleepovers do not equal "wonderful, loving and respected relationship", and not DGP should ever make out that it does - esp. when the parent has already said "no" ad nauseum.

thegreylady · 15/08/2014 08:48

As a doting grandma who will babysit any time anywhere, do full days every week and whose life has been enhanced by her grandchildren, I have to tell you I would not have a tiny baby overnight without its parents unless it was a dire emergency!
I had no sleepovers at my house before 2 and I only slept at their house with parents out from about 18 months. I was terrified of the child waking up and being frightened or being ill. It seems silly now as they all sleepover fairly often and we have a great time. In short I do not understand anyone wanting a new or newish baby without mum or dad. I am a wimp :(

diddl · 15/08/2014 08:48

Do what you want, I say.

This wasn't a thing that we ever did & no harm has been caused!

We lived away so visits were always to see us as well as the kids.

Occasionally popped to the shops leaving the kids with GPs, but nothing other than that.

pombearsforbrunch · 15/08/2014 08:52

Can you invite her to stay over at yours for the night so she can see it'd be a waste of her time, and really nothing special, seeing as your little one doesn't even wake up? Wink

diaimchlo · 15/08/2014 10:14

SirChenjin

My post was not a claim that the way my family has dealt with this issue is the only and right way to go... What it was my personal experience no one else's.

As for emotional blackmail I find that comment quite insulting tbh. Everyone has to risk assess for the future and surely it would be more comfortable for the child and GP/overnight carer in such a case to be comfortable in a familiar situation be it in their own home with GP/carer staying or in the GP/carers home.

I really do find it necessary to make it very clear that I speak from my own experience and I respect others views as to what they decide is better for their situation.

For those of us whose parent's didn't have 'the pleasure' of sleepovers from a young age

Do you really have to be so condescending? I have found it a great pleasure and honour to be involved in this way.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/08/2014 10:48

YANBU, it's your choice whether and when your baby spends the night away from you. I would say that baby is too young and you'll review it again when she's 2 or whatever you feel comfortable with. If she brings if up again keep repeating not before 2.

Peppa87 · 15/08/2014 10:51

You and your partner get to make the decisions, nobody else. Don't allow anyone to pressurise you to do something you don't want when it concerns your baby. Nobody knows how your baby would react to different surroundings, different smells, different bed. What if she wakes unsettled and wants her mummy or daddy?

When this comes up again I would just say, I am not ready to let her sleep overnight anywhere this young. Simple. You don't need to justify yourself with string of reasons relating to routine, co sleeping etc etc etc.

Some people are happy for newborns/babies to spend the night with family, others wait until toddler age, even school age.

It sounds like she is wanting this for her benefit, not to help out, you don't say you are tired, not sleeping, or need help of this kind, so why would she keep mithering about it?

I too don't understand the obsession with it, what does it matter?! She should just enjoy being a grandparent and the time she does spend with her!

SirChenjin · 15/08/2014 10:52

diaimchlo

My previous posts stand. Sleepovers are not a prerequisite to wonderful, loving and respected relationships - and if a DGP continues to press this point then they run the risk of alienating their DGC and DC.

I appreciate that you were attempting to explain your personal family circumstance, but your experience is not that of the OP - who has already made it perfectly clear that she does not want her young baby sleeping over at her MIL. As for 'risk assessing' for the future - if her MIL was to use this as an reason for the OP's DD to stay over then it would absolutely be emotional blackmail.

Peppa87 · 15/08/2014 11:01

Also, regarding suggestions of sleepovers at grandparents house with parents and baby, or having grandparents sleepover just to see to the baby at bedtime, what a load of faffing around just to appease grandma! She should just accept no for an answer.

diaimchlo · 15/08/2014 11:13

I never once said it was a prerequisite at all, I was not attempting to explain, I was relating my experience as a GP.

I also made it very clear to you and the OP that the decision is hers and her OH's, nobody else's.

My post was in answer to someone asking about GP feelings towards DGC, which was clearly stated.

I respect that you stand by your posts, but do feel that you could word them a little more diplomatically.

jacks365 · 15/08/2014 11:17

My dc love their grandparents, absolutely dote on them and have a really close bond and for the older ones a relationship completely independent of me. They go away with them when it suits everyone for example dd2 has just got back from spending a fortnight with them in London but the youngest at nearly 3 has never spent a night with them without me, the older ones never did at that age either it just wasn't done. When we go we all go, we see a lot of them always have and as I say we are close. If something happened and they had to have the youngest for any reason then she would be comfortable in their home and happy with them. She has her own bedroom and bed there. All that has been achieved without excluding the child's mother, it isn't necessary.

Op yanbu they can have a good relationship without taking the child away from the mother.

pommedeterre · 15/08/2014 11:19

diaimchlo - yes an honour and one which I hope you respected by following general guidelines from the parents on any routine or behaviour points.

Ops mil seems to be gearing up for not listening to parents wishes and playing mummy. I am currently totally pissed off with mil for co sleeping with my four YEAR old. I dread to think how angry I'd be of she'd co slept with my hour MONTH old.

Swipe left for the next trending thread