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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are the grandparents obsessed with sleepovers for my newborn?!

117 replies

Clubtropicanap · 14/08/2014 16:21

Well she is not so newborn anymore, 4 months old now. But this has been going on since a couple of weeks old. Why does my MIL want her to sleepover? She has babysat during the day for us and never follows my timetable for sleeps at certain times, wake her up if she goes more than half an hour over, etc.

So I'm obviously reluctant for a sleepover because I feel certain she wouldn't follow routine which is working very nicely for us! And I don't know what she would get out of it either. My baby sleeps through (not boasting I know I just got lucky with this). So where is the quality time in that? MIL often gets the chance to bath and put baby to bed, bedtime milk etc so it can't be that ...

I know she co-slept with all her children, her youngest one until 8 years old. I am scared she will try to do the same with my baby, even though I have expressed my fears over SIDS because of 2 losses in my close family to this.

Are there any grandparents out there who can shed some light on the big thing about having baby sleepover?

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 14/08/2014 19:04

No, a break from routine is absolutely fine - if it suits you and your family. If it doesn't then it's no-one else's business, esp when you have already made it clear that you don't want your baby sleeping over with the grandparents.

PiperRose · 14/08/2014 19:07

I really can't get on board with the whole MY baby, I say what goes, thing that seems really prevalent on MN. I think having GP's that want to spend time with their DGC is a wonderful thing, plus if you say no know they may well stop asking.

SirChenjin · 14/08/2014 19:10

Again, absolutely great the grandparents want to spend time with the grandchildren - but that doesn't mean they get to dictate or ignore the wishes of the parents - who have already made it clear that they don't want their baby sleeping over. The Grandmother needs to back off and accept that "no" is a complete sentence.

tertle · 14/08/2014 19:13

Of course it's nice for grandparents to spend time with their DGCs but what's wrong with having them for an afternoon? Why does it have to be overnight? I don't think there's any need for that when they're babies. When they're older yes, so they can do fun things together but at 4 months, what is the point? Unless of course the parents want that break!

parallax80 · 14/08/2014 19:13

I think having GP's that want to spend time with their DGC is a wonderful thing, plus if you say no know they may well stop asking.

Again, this only works if you have similar world views and mutual respect with GPs. Can you not imagine a situation where you might feel something other than unqualified joy at GP having grandchildren by themselves?

sweetnessandlite · 14/08/2014 19:16

I think some Grandparents see themselves as substitute parents. The lines get a bit blurred.
A Grandparent can have a big role in their GC's life, but they must remember that they are NOT the child's parents. They are Grandparents and should step back a bit.

Cyclebump · 14/08/2014 19:18

YANBU to say no. My mum, who is hugely helpful and lovely, decided DS should stay in their room when I visited my parents when he was six weeks old.

Clearly, this didn't work, at all.

DS was her first grandchild and she had just forgotten what it was like. She's amazing and I'm having DS2 in a few days and can't wait for her to arrive because she's so helpful. The badgering is sooooooo annoying (I got it on all sides), but just say no, it's your baby, your choice.

Overthehillmum · 14/08/2014 19:20

My grand son is two and a half weeks old, I've offered to have him overnight or, to sleep on the couch and do night feeds or go down at 5 am and take him out for a couple of hours, all because my daughter is shattered, her partner has been up a lot too and I think they need a nights sleep! Now I'm worried she thinks it's because I want to relive my mothering years ! Nothing could be further from that, I just want to help them !

parallax80 · 14/08/2014 19:25

Over I think the issue is not the offering, but the banging on about it if the offer is declined.

parallax80 · 14/08/2014 19:26

(Also, some people might prefer to be helped by someone offering to do the washing, or food prep, or some other practical thing rather than what can feel a bit (especially with all the hormones around shortly after birth) like 'taking the baby away')

pommedeterre · 14/08/2014 19:32

The playing mummy thing is horrible for the parents and if I'm honest, for the kids if it carries on. My mil being he perfect eg.

slithytove · 14/08/2014 19:50

DS was first away from me overnight when he was 14mo. He was at home with his dad.

Next was at 15mo. He was in a hotel room with my mum and we were in the next room.

Next will be at 18mo when I give birth to his wee sister unless I can avoid it.

Your baby, your rules, keep saying no.

slithytove · 14/08/2014 19:53

Overthehill - that would have really upset me Blush I wouldn't have wanted it and would have felt guilty for saying no.

Perhaps make it clear that when they are ready they can ask you?

Xmasbaby11 · 14/08/2014 19:57

That's way too young for me to consider leaving her. About 1 year old would be ok if I was confident in them.

I do think it's sweet, and maybe she thinks you'd like a lie in? My two dd sleep well but are always up by 8. I'd love a lie in!

Flowersandleaves · 14/08/2014 19:59

Yanbu. Your mil doesn't seem to take 'no thanks' for an answer. Your child, your choice. As a parent you will have yo make unpopular decisions, start practicing..

If she actually co slept with her dc, she should be able to understand you don't want to be away from her at night time,

Flowersandleaves · 14/08/2014 20:00

Also, if your baby is a good sleeper, why on earth would you rock the boat?

Keep saying no.

moominmarvellous · 14/08/2014 20:02

My MIL had DD every Friday night from when she was about 3months old. It stopped eventually, but was lovely while it lasted.

She didn't stick to routines etc but she survived, and it was nice for me & DH to have some time together.

I don't see the harm in the odd sleepover and sometimes it's nice to do it when they offer, because the time will come when you'll need to ask - also the offers mysteriously dry up if/when #2 comes along :D

wickedwithofthenorth · 14/08/2014 21:37

Overthehill - just to say my mum offered similar when dd was a week and a half old and it really saved our sanity. You've given your dd options haven't just said you want your grandson! It helped so much to have mum's support during night feeds and for her to take a turn at settling dd down after a feed.

I think sleep overs with grandparents can work really well if it's what both parties want. A friend who had dc a couple of weeks before I had dd was keen for both sets of grandparents to have dc once a week from week one. Her dp's parents were 90 mins away but she was comfortable to hand over her newborn and it worked well for her. Her mum however was not keen on the arrangement and feelings were hurt on both sides when she didn't want to take her night.

My mil tried to demand sleep overs (wasn't going to happen anyway for several very valid reasons on dh's part) from a few weeks in. She was very pushy and it was about having her turn and us needing to share the baby. On nye dh had to physically remove 7 week old sleeping dd from the pushchair as mil was blocking the exit and refusing to allow us out with it. She had decided she was having her for the night and it would be no bother. She was very put out when we refused to leave bf baby with who fed every two and a half hours with her. For mil it's all about control and being the one in charge of the baby, no matter who's it is, there's a lot of history to this...

My mum loved the early mornings with a baby (now toddler) and did say we only have to ask if we want a morning off. She is looking forward to a a couple of weekends away with us at the end of the year for this very reason. But several of her friends are shocked she's not 'allowed' dd over night and expect it as part of their grand parenting role.

NotOneThingbutAnother · 14/08/2014 22:48

My SiL insisted on this when DD was 4 weeks old. I knew something wasn't right but I tried to polite and thanked her profusely saying no not yet, but maybe when she's a bit older. The outcome was SiL never spoke to me again and frankly I was delighted.

Your baby, your rules.

sweetnessandlite · 14/08/2014 23:07

I think people forget that most mothers of babies (especially newborns) are incredibly protective of their child and often can't bear the thought of them spending a night apart from them. It's natural to feel like that and almost instinctive in it's strength.
Other people should respect that.

iamsoannoyed · 14/08/2014 23:26

YANBU

The beginning and end of this situation is that the OP and her husband do not feel comfortable with MIL taking baby overnight. MIL has asked, they've said no thanks, and MIL persistently asks them. That is unreasonable on her part.

I'm sure the OP knows that it won't "break her baby" to be out of the routine. She is concerned about MIL not sticking to the routine (even loosely) and also regarding MIL co-sleeping with the baby against her wishes- the fact it is not proven to cause SIDS is irrelevant in this context. It is something which worries OP and something she does not want to happen to her baby. MIL should respect that. I get the impression that it is the general lack of respect for OP and her DH's wishes which is causing a lot of the angst, not just MIL wanting to have her DGC to stay.

Whether others are happy to let their DCs grandparents have them overnight, for a few days or even a week (or longer) isn't really the point. Of course it's great if grandparents are interested in being an active part of the child's life and can make life as a parent so much easier. I don't think OP is saying she wants to exclude MIL- sounds like she see's the

However, that only works if their is mutual understanding and respect. Where the new parents feel put under pressure or manipulated, or where they feel their views on parenting etc are being ignored, mutual trust and respect is clearly not being fostered.

I would not leave my DC with someone I didn't trust to do as I asked (on the whole, not nit-picking over tiny details). The fact that the person I felt this was about might be closely related to me or my DC doesn't make much difference in this situation.

Clarabum · 14/08/2014 23:32

yanbu- go with your instinct. It'll cause a bigger row if you have to address an issue caused by the sleepover like the baby being in bed with her. Then it'll end in tears. Just say "Maybe when she's a bit older" and leave it at that.

CrimeaRiver · 15/08/2014 02:55

I often wonder whether GPs experience some kind of physical need for closeness to their GDC, perhaps like the one parents feel. Obviously not as strong, but something.

My own DM often spoke about how her strength of feeling for her DGC is almost stronger than that for her DC (thanks mum!), and even had that thing where she woke up in the middle of the night, startled, because she thought she'd dropped or lost her first DGC, then only 3 weeks old. She wasn't even living in the same country as this DGC. My MIL...let's just say she has learned to not let her emotions rule over her senses. She has also said that if her DGC were adopted she wouldn't have the same strength of feeling naturally, she would have to learn to love them.

Just musing, really. It's a theory I've been mulling over for a while. Hope I live long enough to find out for myself!

As for the OP, I wouldn't allow it if I wasn't happy with it. 4mo, you may still have lots of pg hormones coursing around, which is not to say you must say "yes" once they're gone; only that you can get away with quite a stern reply at the minute!

ColdCottage · 15/08/2014 03:31

I think you need to read Rosebear's thread now!

ColdCottage · 15/08/2014 03:32

Thread

How can I ever forgive my mother in law