Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Why are the grandparents obsessed with sleepovers for my newborn?!

117 replies

Clubtropicanap · 14/08/2014 16:21

Well she is not so newborn anymore, 4 months old now. But this has been going on since a couple of weeks old. Why does my MIL want her to sleepover? She has babysat during the day for us and never follows my timetable for sleeps at certain times, wake her up if she goes more than half an hour over, etc.

So I'm obviously reluctant for a sleepover because I feel certain she wouldn't follow routine which is working very nicely for us! And I don't know what she would get out of it either. My baby sleeps through (not boasting I know I just got lucky with this). So where is the quality time in that? MIL often gets the chance to bath and put baby to bed, bedtime milk etc so it can't be that ...

I know she co-slept with all her children, her youngest one until 8 years old. I am scared she will try to do the same with my baby, even though I have expressed my fears over SIDS because of 2 losses in my close family to this.

Are there any grandparents out there who can shed some light on the big thing about having baby sleepover?

OP posts:

AllHailTheBigPurpleOne · 14/08/2014 17:21

Nobody wanted my dd for the night, she would go ballistic every two hours.

Just keep saying no.
I don't get it either.

tertle · 14/08/2014 17:25

Sounds like she wants to play mummy again. There is no such thing as altruism! My mil is like this; forever suggesting that I leave dd with her for whatever reason. I told her no; not because I don't trust her with dd but because I'm not ready. She didn't have a choice but to accept that.

ADHDNoodles · 14/08/2014 17:26

I've left DD with the parents for a weekend before. It was a nice break to have a free afternoon and morning to sleep in.

Do what you're comfortable with, but also remember that your baby is a tiny human, not a possession. So if you're saying no because baby is "yours" and you don't want to share, that's not a good mentality. But if you truly think it's not in the baby's best interests to be separated then don't. Only you know, and you don't have answer or justify it here.

Really, when DD has had her routine broken by the GPs, she just crashes and sleeps all day at our place when we bring her back home. Babies aren't fragile little creatures, they're quite hardy. A break in routine won't hurt her any.

foolishpeach · 14/08/2014 17:30

I think you just have to keep saying no.

Either she'll get the message or she won't, but either way, the decision isn't hers, so stick to your guns.

Terrierterror · 14/08/2014 17:31

Rather stupid to say 'Babies aren't fragile little creatures, they're quite hardy. A break in routine won't hurt her any' when the OP has said they have experienced 2 deaths in the close family due to SIDS, they suspect the MIL wants to co sleep and the MIL disregards their wishes about the baby.

NewtRipley · 14/08/2014 17:36

I agree that her desperation is putting you off. I don't think it's unnatural or unnecessary for a child to be away from its parents at 4 months - we've had nights away since when mine were younger than that. It was a way of really relaxing and being intimate as a couple.

But it was more of a joint idea with my mum and dad, and in your case you don't want to do it, so say you aren't ready

ReputableBiscuit · 14/08/2014 17:37

I think it's fine if the OP doesn't want to share her tiny baby. It would be weird if we were talking about a 12 or 21 year old, but four months old?

NewtRipley · 14/08/2014 17:38

BTW

I can understand the desire to relive some of the early baby stuff, but without the stress, but I am wise enough to know you have to be really sensitive about how you approach this with new parents.

Mitzi50 · 14/08/2014 17:38

My MIL always wanted my DC to stay overnight from an early age - I know she wanted them to herself and to do things her way. I was breastfeeding (which she didn't like) so it was easy to say "no". She survived the disappointment and all the future disappointments (we had very different views on bringing up children) and now my children are older (and with hindsight and the fact that I have mellowed with age) I realise that they are very lucky to have such a loving grandmother. However, I don't regret saying "no" to many of her requests. I would put an end to this and say that you will not be letting DD sleepover for the foreseeable future and that you will let her know when you feel that the time is right.

As a compromise, could you let her come and bath the baby and maybe put her to bed while you have an early evening visit to a local pub or restaurant?

NewtRipley · 14/08/2014 17:40

Mitzi

Yes, maybe that's it - in a way it could be seen as an implicit message that she doesn't like and support the way you do things. Not in all cases, of course. But I would be uneasy if I felt anyone caring for my child would do things very differently and not respect certain things. Certainly in the early months

ADHDNoodles · 14/08/2014 17:50

Except we don't know what causes SIDs. We know what reduces the risks, but that's about it.

Also, not waking a sleeping baby and keeping a sleep routine to co-sleeping and smothering him is hardly a fair leap. If MIL has form for completely disregarding everything, that's one thing. But I don't think a sleep schedule is a far mark to grade her by.

But honestly, DD doesn't get her usual nap times at the GPs and she comes back a little cranky and then super tired and sleeps the next day. You're not going to break a baby by skipping naps. You're just not.

SirChenjin · 14/08/2014 17:57

The OP hasn't said she's worried about breaking the baby

Her MIL seems unable or unwilling to accept that she can't have the baby overnight - which is dismissive and disrespectful of her DILs role as the mother of the baby.

zipzap · 14/08/2014 18:06

Just say fine -I think we should both be about ready in about July 2027 - how about the last wednesday of the month, school holidays/parental leave availability for family holidays etc not withstanding?

zipzap · 14/08/2014 18:14

Just out of interest - how often did your dh/any siblings spend with his PIL when he was young - both when he was tiny like your dd and then when he was a young boy?

If he went to his mil or even to your mil's parents when he was very young, it might be that it was a normal thing in his household. And that one of the ways that your mil dealt with it even if she didn't really want to do it at the time was to rationalise it by thinking of the future when she would be able to have her gc to stay. Or maybe she was always over run and dreamt of someone whisking the dc away to give her a break and thought she would start early to help you, without realising that you don't want to do this.

I'd also get dh to tell her to stop with the hassling you to let dd stay with her - get him to say that it is upsetting both of you and that it doesn't matter if you keep asking and asking - the answer is still going to be the same while your dd is little. You're not going to change your mind and her constant harassing about this is making everyone upset.

Marmiteandjamislush · 14/08/2014 18:22

YANBU to not want it. However, you are unreasonable to expect everyone to follow your routine to the letter. As you have acknowledged, your baby is not a newborn anymore and both you and they will have to become more adaptable. What if you need to leave your baby at some point overnight, the more fierce you are, the less relaxed and inclined people will be to help later, so be careful not to burn your boats. Remember, your mother raised you OK, so she's not going to do anything to hurt your child. Also if you have another baby, routines can not be as strict when their are two to consider.

MsAnthropic · 14/08/2014 18:24

My baby sleeps through (not boasting I know I just got lucky with this)
It's not really that unusual for them to sleep well at around around that age, but do make sure you're prepared for the 4 month sleep regression

The advice for safe infant co-sleeping is for it to only be with the child's (breastfeeding) mother, so even if you co-slept it wouldn't be safe for a 4 month old's grandmother.

You are just going to have to be firm and say you don't want her away from you (perfectly understandable) when she's so little.

Marcipex · 14/08/2014 18:26

What Annarose2014 said. Exactly.

Purpleflamingos · 14/08/2014 18:31

It's different for every mum. I wouldn't part with mine for a night 5yrs later.

However 2 close friends shocked me by letting their 2 week old babies sleep over at GP's. They are 5 now and frequently sleep over. I'm still shocked at how much time they have away from their children.

But I want mine with me because it's only such a short part of their life that they are small.

Pinkrose1 · 14/08/2014 18:31

My mum would not be at all happy if I asked her to take a 4 month old to sleep over!

kkllww · 14/08/2014 18:34

I sympathise. My step MIL was always nagging us to let them have our DC for a WEEK when he was 7-8 months old! They're nearly 200 miles away so an overnight wasn't an option. We had to get very firm with her as she wouldn't let it drop. Her argument was that she left her child for a week when it was 2 months old to go on holiday - we said fine but we definitely weren't going to do this. End of discussion.

monkeyfacegrace · 14/08/2014 18:37

Everyone's different.

I left my 9 month old with GP and fucked off to Dubai for a week. Was ace

I have a large, close family though, and we all bring all the kids up together. My kids are 7 and 5 now and would move into their GP's or aunties if they could!

ADHDNoodles · 14/08/2014 18:45

The OP hasn't said she's worried about breaking the baby

Then why would she be worried about MIL not following routine unless she thought it would disrupt everything?

Or are we going to be petty and get hung up on wording?

Don't give me a hmm face, you.

Featherbag · 14/08/2014 18:58

If you're not comfortable with it then it isn't right and you need to keep saying no until you are comfortable.

In my family it's totally normal for grandparents to have regular overnighters with baby grandchildren. My parents took DS1 one night a month from 8 weeks, DS2 was almost 6 months but that's purely because he wouldn't take a bottle until then! I have to say these nights off were/are a godsend, even though both kids are good sleepers. It lets DH and I have some couple time, the feeling of freedom going for a night out after 7pm, with no kids or baby/toddler equipment is amazing. Plus no matter how good at sleeping through kids are, they still wake early, so it's nice to get a lie in together once in a while! I love how close my boys are to my parents too, and think sleepovers definitely play a part in that!

SirChenjin · 14/08/2014 18:58

I will give you any face I like, you

Featherbag · 14/08/2014 18:59

Oh, and we accepted from the off that after a night at nana and grandad's the routine would be shot for a day or 2 but we find it's worth it, and a break in routine every now and then really isn't the end of the world!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread