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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why are the grandparents obsessed with sleepovers for my newborn?!

117 replies

Clubtropicanap · 14/08/2014 16:21

Well she is not so newborn anymore, 4 months old now. But this has been going on since a couple of weeks old. Why does my MIL want her to sleepover? She has babysat during the day for us and never follows my timetable for sleeps at certain times, wake her up if she goes more than half an hour over, etc.

So I'm obviously reluctant for a sleepover because I feel certain she wouldn't follow routine which is working very nicely for us! And I don't know what she would get out of it either. My baby sleeps through (not boasting I know I just got lucky with this). So where is the quality time in that? MIL often gets the chance to bath and put baby to bed, bedtime milk etc so it can't be that ...

I know she co-slept with all her children, her youngest one until 8 years old. I am scared she will try to do the same with my baby, even though I have expressed my fears over SIDS because of 2 losses in my close family to this.

Are there any grandparents out there who can shed some light on the big thing about having baby sleepover?

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 15/08/2014 11:32

And I feel that you could have worded your posts with a little more obvious understanding of the fact that the OP has already said "no", rather than attempting to bring your experience into the equation and using emotive words such as "which has led to wonderful, loving and respected relationships" and "parents will need the help of someone to have their DCs over night, at times with no prior notice, which could prove very difficult if an over night stay had not already happened".

What you have recounted is your experience but it's not that of the OP, not is it one she wishes for her DD at this stage. Your experience is actually irrelevent - unless of course you have understood the OPs decision but don't believe it's the right one in terms of building wonderful, loving and respected relationships, or preventing unneccessary upset for her DC when the inevitable happens and she needs her MIL for sleepovers. If that's not the case - why bother even mentioning it?

parallax80 · 15/08/2014 11:33

At some stage most parents will need the help of someone to have their DCs over night, at times with no prior notice, which could prove very difficult if an over night stay had not already happened.

This is only relevant to grandparents if they are likely to be the "go-to" person in this situation though. For lots of people, they aren't!

SirChenjin · 15/08/2014 11:47

Agree Parallax.

We've managed just fine over 17 years and 3 DCs - their first sleepovers were with friends, and they managed absolutely fine with no upset or risk assessment.

diaimchlo · 15/08/2014 11:49

SirChenjin

OK I give in, there is no point in carrying this on.... I have tried to say that I was replying to another posters question, but you continue to post in a condescending way.

Pomme

I would never disrespect my Daughter's guidelines regarding any part of my DGC's lives.

SirChenjin · 15/08/2014 11:55

Or rather, you continue to claim that I am posting in a condescending way.

I agree though - no point in carrying this on. Back to the OP...

slithytove · 15/08/2014 12:42

Agree 100% with SirChen.

I also resent the implication that overnights are the only way to build close bonds, as for our family they are geographically impossible without us also being there.

Considering DS is 16mo, he seems to bloody adore his gps (all 4) through the medium of daily FaceTime, visits every few months, and the occasional holiday.

slithytove · 15/08/2014 12:43

And both GM's (GD's are not interested for some reason ) have managed to successfully put DS to bed and get him up in his own home.

Why that would be better if I wasn't in the next room is beyond me.

IamSlave · 15/08/2014 13:40

The beginning and end of this situation is that the OP and her husband do not feel comfortable with MIL taking baby overnight. MIL has asked, they've said no thanks, and MIL persistently asks them. That is unreasonable on her part

^ this and most of SirChenjinsposts.

Op its ridiculous tell her no, its a good idea to keep saying no at this particular age and beating her back with a stick so she gets used to who is in charge.

Honestly, please remember you will be GP one day . Its a privileged to even see a GC will be an enormous privileged to me and one I will respect and be on offer to help or butt out as required but never ever ever ever ever make repeated demands on the new mother!

babyboomersrock · 15/08/2014 18:40

When our mothers and MILs were having babies, crying it out/forced routines/not co-sleeping etc/kids being seen and not heard etc was all the rage.

Perhaps subconsciously they felt they missed out?

Not sure what age most of your parents are, but I'm 67 and my four babies didn't have that kind of upbringing at all (in the 70s/80s) - sadly, I did, but that was in the late 40s and 50s.

I adored having my babies, I enjoyed the whole child-rearing experience and I have a lovely relationship with all of them now. Breastfeeding and co-sleeping were the norm for my circle of friends and our babies were never left to cry.

However...the love I feel for my grandchildren isn't exactly the same as for my own children, and I'm always surprised when other grandparents claim it is (for them). I love the little ones very much, I see a lot of them, do regular child-care when asked. But my children will always be my focus, if you know what I mean - I don't confuse my role as granny and mother.

As for having a small baby overnight...no thank you. I had my grandsons to stay - at their parents' request - when they were approaching a year old, and even then, I was barely able to sleep. I was a more laid-back mother, but I have become a helicopter granny, and it ain't relaxing.

I had my turn. I am happy to have the chance to enjoy cuddling these babies and getting to know them as they grow, but they belong to their parents for now. I abide by the parents' rules at all times and wouldn't dream of demanding that I have them overnight as tiny babies or whatever. It's a privilege, not a right, to be involved with them.

womblesofwestminster · 15/08/2014 18:56

The playing mummy thing is horrible for the parents and if I'm honest, for the kids if it carries on.

Agreed. I went NC with my own mother because of this. Best thing I ever did.

bethcutler13 · 15/08/2014 19:08

Glad someone else thinks this is weird. Always makes
Me feel like she wants to play mummy. Makes me feel veeeeery uneasy !
Just say no. Don't make the mistake I made of trying to keep her happy. Never works.

bethcutler13 · 15/08/2014 19:09

Babyboomersrock
Can you please be my MIL too?!?

SirChenjin · 15/08/2014 19:11

What a great post babyboomersrock

KnittedJimmyChoos · 15/08/2014 19:14

Its your style of grandparenting I will certainly try and aspire too

PhaedraIsMyName · 15/08/2014 19:17

Very good post Babyboomer
I'm not a grandmother, have no particular wish to be one and there's no imminent signs of it happening but you're spot on , it's a privilege to be involved not a right.

Equally for parents it's not a right to demand or expect grandparents get involved.

bunchoffives · 15/08/2014 19:40

Well said Babyboomer. I'm a gp too, and much as I love my dgc I don't want to re-live my mothering years and I actually haven't finished with my own dc yet anyway

Personally I think a newborn should be with its mum except for a few hours. Toddlerhood is plenty soon enough for longer separation.

As for co-sleeping, I say as a gp you're lucky to have the choice. When my lot stay over they go to bed in their own beds but they never seem to wake up in any bed but granny's It gets very crowded I can tell ya.

Cheeky76890 · 15/08/2014 19:48

I wouldn't want to be apart from my babies either. Can you just tell her no but you will think about it when she's a toddler

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