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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask the MN jury to deliberate on this case?

149 replies

InTheDock · 14/08/2014 10:19

I'll try and keep the information neutral, including gender and which side of the argument I'm on.

Background: Couple married for 12 years, two children, separated a year ago after one party's infidelity. One parent has main residency, the other has the DC eow and a couple of times a week for tea.

Eldest DC has a birthday which falls on the day that the resident parent normally has the DC. This parent asks non-resident parent to tea to watch DC open presents and do the cake etc.

After this, the resident parent drops the DCs off at their grandparent's so they can visit someone they are in an early relationship with. The NR parent then calls the R parent to speak to the DC and at this point discovers that they have been left at the grandparent's house. The NR parent is very angry about this but the R parent maintains that the DC enjoy spending time with their grandparents and wanted to stay over that night. The NR parent says that if they'd known about these plans they would have had the DC even though they already have birthday plans for the next day with the DC.

So, oh wise MN jury, considering the facts:
Was it unreasonable for the DC to be left at their grandparents' on their birthday?

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 14/08/2014 10:21

Since the children were happy, no it was not unreasonable. The timing is a bit odd, but the fun birthday rituals were observed on time.

Hassled · 14/08/2014 10:22

I'm with the NR parent. If they had known that the DC wouldn't be with the R parent that night, of course they'd have wanted to have them given that it's their child's birthday. The fact there were plans in place for the next day is irrelevant - a birthday is a birthday.

Nancy66 · 14/08/2014 10:22

Both parents saw the children on their birthday, the kids like being at their grandparents and the resident parent was going on a date - but not introducing children to new date/partner.

All sounds ok to me.

MrsHathaway · 14/08/2014 10:23

That said, if the RP often gets the grandparents to babysit without offering the NRP first refusal for an additional or swapped night, I can see that the situation could cause resentment.

SaucyJack · 14/08/2014 10:24

Not unreasonable to send the kids to their GPs, however it would have been the mature thing to have given Dad first refusal I guess.

BookABooSue · 14/08/2014 10:24

Personally I'd find it a bit odd that the R parent hadn't mentioned they were dropping the DCs at their grandparents after the birthday tea.

I don't think it was unreasonable to let the DCs stay at their grandparents but since it was a birthday and since the usual contact arrangements had already been changed (because it was a birthday) then I think it would have been nice to give the NR parent the opportunity to spend the extra time with their DCs.

NorwaySpruce · 14/08/2014 10:25

Sounds fine to me.

If the NR parent had wanted the children that night, they should have raised the issue earlier.

Doing so now makes it look as though they are acting out of spite, just because RP has the temerity to go out for the night.

FloatIsRechargedNow · 14/08/2014 10:26

Not unreasonable to be at GPs on birthday night. The RP should be pleased that so many people want to spend time with their DC, after a break up so many of these other relationships that dc have can hit the skids.

RonaldMcDonald · 14/08/2014 10:26

Given that it was the child's bd it would have been better to discuss it before the party
The NR could then have had their child with them for a larger part of their birthday

It seems very unfair to not give this option

sunbathe · 14/08/2014 10:28

Seems the NR parent is jealous of the R parent getting on with life.

timeforanappychange · 14/08/2014 10:29

NR and R parent need to communicate better.

Like it or not, they have kids together and need to discuss everything to do with their wellbeing. It's about the kids' rights, not the parents'.

It would be normal for children to spend birthdays with parents unless both were OK with this not happening, so I am with NR parent on this one.

I was the child in a similar situation and my parents always discussed this sort of thing in advance. These
parents need to do it too.

Floralnomad · 14/08/2014 10:32

I think the NR parent should have had first refusal ,particularly as it was the child's birthday . That said I wouldn't have arranged a date for the evening of my DC birthday in the first place . I actually think that NR parent should have first refusal for any babysitting duties , anytime .

ApprenticeViper · 14/08/2014 10:36

I think it would have been considerate of the RP to ask the NR if they wanted to have the DCs for the night, especially as the NR was there for the birthday tea. I think if the children are not going to be at the RP's house for the night, the NR should be the first person the RP asks to have them.

However, my DP's exW does this all the time - the DCs are at our house EOW, but if she's out or away for the night on her weekends, the DCs always stay at her parents' or her sister's house. She never asks DP if he wants them for an extra night.

Unless there's a huge backstory of the NR cancelling access times and/or being generally unreliable, I think the RP has been unreasonable.

Cherriesandapples · 14/08/2014 10:37

If it is the NR father (who had an affair) is whining because the resident parent has a date then I suspect it is still about controlling the ex DP!

cricketpitch · 14/08/2014 10:38

I'm with NR parent. I'd be really upset. I would want to spend the DCs birthday with them in my home and do my own celebration but would understand that it was "not my turn" so do next best thing for me and the best for the DCs.

It would feel like an absolute betrayal to find out that the RP had not valued the DC birthday evening enough to want to spend it with them yet wouldn't let me, (instead going for the gracious but stilted/uncomfortable tea on RP's territory).

Depends how old DCs are but it smacks of RP being controlling and v dog-in-the-manger.

AuntieStella · 14/08/2014 10:41

Whichever parent has the DC gets to make arrangements for the weekend.

It can be an amazingly bad idea to start muddling EOW care with requests for babysitting on nonresidence weekends. I think the parent was right to arrange childcare within own resources. There is nothing wrong with children having weekend sleepovers, whether with family o friends.

NorwaySpruce · 14/08/2014 10:43

Crikey, we must be weird.

My children look forward to sleepovers with their grandparents/aunts/whoever wants to have them on their birthdays.

They have a birthday tea/party with us, then off they go. A birthday evening at home would only see them in bed at the usual time anyway.

And in the OP's case the RP was going to have them the next day anyway, so why shouldn't the children spend the evening with grandparents?

minibmw2010 · 14/08/2014 10:45

Actually this reads more to me like the RP is the Father and the NRP is the Mother ... no reason to assume it was the Father who had an affair, Mothers do too !!

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 14/08/2014 10:48

I think I'm team NR. It's not absolutely shocking behaviour on the part of R but I do think getting DCs babysat while going out on a date on their birthday is a teeny bit off.

FlossyMoo · 14/08/2014 10:49

Sorry but if the children enjoy seeing their grandparents and had plans with NR parent the next day then I'm with R parent. It is an awful situation but it was the R parents day so NR shouldn't interfere.

If it was NR parents day and they asked GP to babysit I would say the same to the RP that you cannot interfere as it is NRP day.

Maybe the NRP should mention that they would like to be asked first if babysitting is needed in the future as they would like the opportunity to spend extra time with DC's.

nemno · 14/08/2014 10:51

Unless there is more to it then I think R parent is perfectly reasonable. My DC loved being at their GPs and that in itself was a treat. As it was R parent's weekend then R parent organises the weekend.

EarthWindFire · 14/08/2014 10:54

If it is the NR father (who had an affair) is whining because the resident parent has a date then I suspect it is still about controlling the ex DP!

Big assumption to make. We don't know which gender is which.

Although nothing 'wrong' with what has happened it would have been nice for NRP to have the DC.

Original poster
InTheDock · 14/08/2014 10:54

Thanks everyone for your deliberations so far Flowers. There is more to this but it would make it obvious which side of the argument I'm on.

One thing I can say though, it was midweek rather than a weekend if this changes anything.

OP posts:
FlossyMoo · 14/08/2014 10:55

Also I don't think the RP should have to tell their ex when they have a date. It is none of their business. The RP dropped the DC's with the grandparents who I imagine spoiled the birthday child and enjoyed seeing them on their birthday.
I wonder if the NRP would have been so bothered if it had been a work issue for example and the RP had dropped the DC's of at GP or was it the fact that they had a date?

NorwaySpruce · 14/08/2014 10:57

It really doesn't change anything.

RP gets to decide what the children do during their time.

NRP, if they want to up/change contact should discuss it far in advance, not in a fit of pique because RP has a date.

And plenty of parents who live together leave their children with others, even on their birthdays.