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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask the MN jury to deliberate on this case?

149 replies

InTheDock · 14/08/2014 10:19

I'll try and keep the information neutral, including gender and which side of the argument I'm on.

Background: Couple married for 12 years, two children, separated a year ago after one party's infidelity. One parent has main residency, the other has the DC eow and a couple of times a week for tea.

Eldest DC has a birthday which falls on the day that the resident parent normally has the DC. This parent asks non-resident parent to tea to watch DC open presents and do the cake etc.

After this, the resident parent drops the DCs off at their grandparent's so they can visit someone they are in an early relationship with. The NR parent then calls the R parent to speak to the DC and at this point discovers that they have been left at the grandparent's house. The NR parent is very angry about this but the R parent maintains that the DC enjoy spending time with their grandparents and wanted to stay over that night. The NR parent says that if they'd known about these plans they would have had the DC even though they already have birthday plans for the next day with the DC.

So, oh wise MN jury, considering the facts:
Was it unreasonable for the DC to be left at their grandparents' on their birthday?

OP posts:
slithytove · 14/08/2014 11:55

Date or not, if RP was happy for the kids to be out on their birthday night, NRP should get first refusal.

How awful to only see your kids eow and to know that the GP come before you in importance as well.

FlossyMoo · 14/08/2014 11:55

Norway mine go to bed between 7:30 & 8:30 so I would be sat on my own watching TV. I wonder if mine are short changed too Confused

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 14/08/2014 11:56

Did anyone ask the children who they'd like to stay with, NRP or GP? It's supposed to be about them, no?

aprilanne · 14/08/2014 11:57

i take it you are NRT .i would not be happy if i were you .

mommy2ash · 14/08/2014 12:01

I think the nrp should get first refusal for time with the kids especially on a birthday.

also it would make a difference to me if the kids asked to go to their grandparents or if they were sent there so the rp could spend time with the person they are in a new relationship. if it is the latter I would find that very odd

vezzie · 14/08/2014 12:05

I think the idea of "first refusal" is very strange because children have important relationships other than with their parents. If a child spends 350 nights a year with one parent or another and 15 nights with important and special relatives like grandparents, then must those 15 only happen when both parents won't miss them and don't want them? Should such visits not be actively chosen for their own sake - even if a parent would happily have had them? When the parents are together and agree then this happens naturally - when they are apart and don't always agree, then the parent whose time it is should do with it what they think best for the child.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 14/08/2014 12:08

I'm absolutely with the NRP. The dc are very lucky that the NRP is wanting to spend as much time with them as possible. NRP come before GP.

BarbarianMum · 14/08/2014 12:10

It would have been nice to give NRP first refusal, and I can kind of see why they are upset but still think they are being unreasonable

ElephantsNeverForgive · 14/08/2014 12:12

Sounds OK to me, GPs are probably much better at birthday fuss than dad (I assume dad). I just think resident parent is jealous of new relationship.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 14/08/2014 12:13

I would say if the date with the new person was made as a result of the RP having a free evening because of the sleepover then it's fine, if the sleepover was arranged because the RP had a date then the NRP should have been given first refusal.

The OP says that the DCs were dropped with the GPs so the RP could visit their new relationship partner, so it looks as though it's the latter.

Bifauxnen · 14/08/2014 12:15

I'm with RP. Also think NRP is sour because RP had a date. Kids saw both parents on their birthday, and will see NRP next day anyway.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 14/08/2014 12:15

Sounds OK to me, GPs are probably much better at birthday fuss than dad (I assume dad). I just think resident parent is jealous of new relationship

Confused
Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 14/08/2014 12:16

Can't believe posters think it's because NRP is jealous Shock

KneeQuestion · 14/08/2014 12:18

I don't see the problem?

Birthday child got to spend time with both parents on his/her birthday. birthday child then gets to spend time with the grandparents.

What RP does while their children are not in their care is irrelevant.

What came first anyway? children having time on a birthday with grandparents, or RP has a date and needs a babysitter? this is clearly being presented as the latter, but is not necessarily so.

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie · 14/08/2014 12:19

A sleepover at my grandparents house on my birthday would have been like Christmas come early! Stay up as late as I want, eat what I want, watch their sky tv and be thoroughly spoilt rotten. Can't think of a better way to spend a birthday evening tbh.

I don't think that the RP has done anything wrong.

NorwaySpruce · 14/08/2014 12:20

But nobody has to come before anybody.

The child saw both parents on their birthday, and was lucky enough to be able to spend the evening with grandparents.

Many children would jump at the chance of a sleepover with someone other than a parent.

NRP can't dictate where the children spend their time on a whim.

OTheHugeManatee · 14/08/2014 12:23

I think

1 - it's a bit odd to go off on a date on your child's birthday
2 - having decided to go on a date it would have been kind to consider the NRP before making other arrangements for childcare. The NRP might be feeling very sad at only having a truncated birthday celebration with their child. The RP might be strictly within their rights to do what they did but it wasn't very thoughtful.

It's also interesting how many people, despite the OP neutrality, are assuming both that the NRP is the dad and also that it was this notional dad that had the affair.

KnackeredMuchly · 14/08/2014 12:25

NRP should have got first refusal.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 14/08/2014 12:26

PourquoiTuGachesTaVie

My grandad used to let me sit up with him to watch V (the original) and eat packets after packets of beef crisps. 'Twas great!

Bettercallsaul1 · 14/08/2014 12:27

The Mumsnet jury seems to be pretty evenly split on this one, OP, which is a sign that the "rights" involved are not at all clear-cut. Personally, I side with the NRP. Grandparents are important and children should be encouraged to have a strong relationship with them but birthdays are very significant occasions in young children's lives - most particularly for the children and the two people who bore them - and the other parent should have been given the opportunity to depend more time with their children on this most special of days instead of being kept out of the loop.

Bettercallsaul1 · 14/08/2014 12:29

Sorry spend more time.

sashh · 14/08/2014 12:32

This might seem irrelevant to some but what did the birthday child want?

If RP said, "what do you want to do for your bday" and the child said, "Have both parents at tea when I open my presents and then go over to GPs to stay" then that is what should happen.

Children are people. Yes they have to do as adults tell them but they should have some choice when it comes to things like birthdays.

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/08/2014 12:33

I think the RP was rather controlling of the day, given that it was a birthday and the RP didn't intend to be with the DC in the evening or through the night, that time should have been offered first to the NRP, instead of just specifying tea, presents, cake. So rather controlling.

Also don't quite understand why you have given the cause of the marriage break up ... one party's infidelity ... I don't see what that information adds to the story or how it would help us decide us decide whether it unreasonable for the DC to be left at their grandparents' on their birthday.

If fact, that little addition has rather made me believe that you are RP, you are the DC's mother, and that your ex-H was the one guilty of infidelity. Sorry, that's probably quite a leap for me to make.

In any case, yes, I think it unreasonable for the DC to be left at their grandparents' on their birthday, without NRP first at least knowing that the birthday evening and night was up for 'grabs' and thus at least having the opportunity to add that time on to their contact of the following day.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 14/08/2014 12:35

Love how to 99% of posters here the children are belongings for the parents to fight over, not people who could have wanted to stay with their gps...

NorwaySpruce · 14/08/2014 12:37

But the children should be free to spend time with other people on special days.

The NRP bleating about 'my time' and 'first refusal' is a sure fire way to make the children feel guilty and resentful.