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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask the MN jury to deliberate on this case?

149 replies

InTheDock · 14/08/2014 10:19

I'll try and keep the information neutral, including gender and which side of the argument I'm on.

Background: Couple married for 12 years, two children, separated a year ago after one party's infidelity. One parent has main residency, the other has the DC eow and a couple of times a week for tea.

Eldest DC has a birthday which falls on the day that the resident parent normally has the DC. This parent asks non-resident parent to tea to watch DC open presents and do the cake etc.

After this, the resident parent drops the DCs off at their grandparent's so they can visit someone they are in an early relationship with. The NR parent then calls the R parent to speak to the DC and at this point discovers that they have been left at the grandparent's house. The NR parent is very angry about this but the R parent maintains that the DC enjoy spending time with their grandparents and wanted to stay over that night. The NR parent says that if they'd known about these plans they would have had the DC even though they already have birthday plans for the next day with the DC.

So, oh wise MN jury, considering the facts:
Was it unreasonable for the DC to be left at their grandparents' on their birthday?

OP posts:

MuttonCadet · 14/08/2014 11:04

NRP should have had first refusal, surely the kids would rather be with a parent (particularly one they don't live with) than GP?

FlossyMoo · 14/08/2014 11:11

Why Mutton?

If the had already seen NRP that day and had birthday plans with them the following day I would imagine they would want to see the GP. I know mine would.

BookABooSue · 14/08/2014 11:13

R parent doesn't have to tell NR parent if they have a date
Of course, they don't but it just seems odd to me that at the birthday tea neither the DCs or the R parent mentioned the DCs were staying at GPs that night. That implies to me that the R parent asked the DCs to lie about it or the DCs didn't know about the plan until after the NR parent left or even that the R parent didn't make the plan until after the NR parent had left. I find those scenarios a bit off . The R parent trying to keep such matters secret is going to end up putting the DCs in an awkward position between their parents.

The R parent could easily have said they had plans for the evening without specifying it was a date.

WooWooOwl · 14/08/2014 11:18

It wasn't unreasonable for the dc to be left at their grandparents on their birthday, but as it's a special occasion I think it was a bit inconsiderate of the RP not to ask the NRP if they would like to have the children that night.

I can understand the NRP being a bit miffed that their children's RP decided to go out on a date on the children's birthday. A loving and involved parent who doesn't get to live with their child will feel especially sad about not getting to live with their children on their birthdays, even if they have had an affair, and it is understandable that they would be pissed off not to be asked. Especially if they have plans for the next day.

FlossyMoo · 14/08/2014 11:19

RP may not have known at that point. Also it doesn't mean RP asked the DC's to lie!!!

RP could have received a call after the tea asking if they would like to go out. There is a lot of assumption in your post Book.
Also the RP does not have to tell the NRP anything about their plans for the evening the same way NRP doesn't have to tell RP what their plans are when they have DC's.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 14/08/2014 11:22

Whoever has the child at the time gets to make the plans. Nrp is bu.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 14/08/2014 11:22

The fact you've pointed out its a midweek date makes me think you are the nrp

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/08/2014 11:29

It was RP's day. Both parents were able to celebrate the child's birthday. RP decided to take them to grandparents in the evening so she could go out. That all sounds normal to me. It wasn't NRP's day so they were lucky to be included in the celebrations. Of course they could have offered to take children that evening on an informal basis but actually I think it's up to RP what (s)he does with the children on her day as long as they are well looked after.

EmeraldLion · 14/08/2014 11:33

If I was the nrp then I would be mightily pissed off that the rp arranged a date on one of the dc's birthday. And that's nothing to do with control/jealousy. It wouldn't matter if it was a hot date with a new gf or a meeting of his local chess club. It's not on, not on the kids birthdays. You put them first, which does NOT mean dumping them at grandma's whilst you disappear out.

WooWooOwl · 14/08/2014 11:34

I think it's really sad when arrangements between parents have to be so inflexible that it's as simple as RP makes all the arrangements for their allocated hours with no input from the other parent and vice versa.

It's clear that the NRP would have liked to have been with their own children on their birthday. If NRPs are supposed to have equal responsibility for their children and aren't just babysitters eow, then they should have first refusal.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/08/2014 11:35

But presumable the children are going to bed? It's not like the RP didn't celebrate the child's birthday. She did and only sent them to grandparents towards end of day. I really can't get excited about this. She did exactly what she should have done.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 14/08/2014 11:36

Not a problem at all. When each parent is in charge it's up to them what arrangements they make.

slithytove · 14/08/2014 11:39

Only read OP.

NR should have been given the option UNLESS they have a habit of refusing these types of opportunities.

pootlebug · 14/08/2014 11:40

I think it's a shame that the NRP didn't get the option to see the DC for longer on their birthday / have them overnight if possible. NRP is already likely to miss more special occasions.

It's a shame the two parents couldn't chat and be a bit more flexible with arrangements.

slithytove · 14/08/2014 11:42

NRP!

Agree that the arranging of plans on DC birthday seems a bit off as well. How old are DC?

FairPhyllis · 14/08/2014 11:45

I think it is weird and quite self-centred for RP to arrange a date on a child's birthday. However if staying at grandparents' is a treat, it's not an unreasonable thing per se to do with them on a birthday.

However it would have been considerate of RP to offer an overnight to NRP as it was a birthday, especially if they knew NRP was sad about not having them on birthdays. It may be the case that RP may (quite reasonably) not want to set a precedent that NRP has to get first refusal on babysitting every single time RP has a date - if that were the case it would give NRP a wholly inappropriate window into RP's personal life, which is no longer any of their business now. But as this was a special occasion it seems strange not to think of NRP for an overnight first.

It also seems odd that the subject didn't come up at tea. My guess is RP knew they would look bad if they said they were arranging a social thing for themselves on the evening of a birthday and therefore deliberately said nothing. NRP may feel that the children were roped into 'hiding' something from them, and that is NEVER acceptable, however minor the matter is.

Unless there is some kind of problem with NRP trying to snoop on and exert control over RP's social life, RP should probably have given first refusal of an overnight to NRP. Except they didn't, either because they were being petty, didn't think or because they wanted to hide that they weren't putting the child first on their birthday.

Unfortunately the letter of the law is on RP's side, but it is a shame they didn't think of NRP's feelings.

mrsruffallo · 14/08/2014 11:47

I think it's weird to arrange a date on your dc's birthday. I think DC should have been with one of his/her parents in the evening. I'm wuth NRP, I would have been pissed off too.

fifi669 · 14/08/2014 11:48

I would have offered the DC to the NRP first esp as they were due to have them the next day anyway. I'm sure when you only get your kids eow and a few tea times any other opportunity is a welcome bonus. Obviously what RP does with the children in their time is their business and will sometimes involve sleepovers with grandparents etc. In this case being a special day NRP would like to share with the DC, I think it should have been offered.

I think the RP is BU. Though not in a massive way, more in a should have thought more of the perspective of NRP and will take it on board to do so in future.

mrsruffallo · 14/08/2014 11:48

There seems to be an element of inflexibility here.

Yama · 14/08/2014 11:51

I can see why NRP would be hurt.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 14/08/2014 11:51

Just a thought, but perhaps the dcs were staying at grandparents anyway, as a treat and a nice thing to do, not just to palm them off on the first bidder? RP is then free and arranges the date after the 'babysitting' is planned?

doodlepigs11 · 14/08/2014 11:52

I am with RP. I understand that if RP needed a babysitter it would be nice to offer NRP extra time with DC or a swap, but it is also important, and nice for the DC to spend time with other relatives.My DD adores sleepovers with GPs and sometimes she goes if we need a babysitter, but sometimes she goes just because she/they want to. It sounds like the children were looking forward to the sleepover, they had a special birthday tea, had spent time with both parents and were spending time the next day with NRP. I don't see a problem. RP was not just dumping DC on their birthday with any old babysitter to go out, they were happy and looking forward to seeing GP.
The fact RP was out on a date seems to be the issue, would it have been different if RP had not been going out? Just letting DC stay at GPs because they wanted to and RP was staying at home watching TV, would NRP be unhappy about this and saying they should have DCs that night? The birthday had been celebrated so I don't think that should be a reason for children to stay at home with parents that night, if anything the sleepover sounds like a birthday treat.

NorwaySpruce · 14/08/2014 11:53

What on earth do you all do with your children on the evening of their birthdays?

Perhaps mine be being short changed, but they don't give a second thought to what we do in the evenings.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 14/08/2014 11:54

Its also far from rare to see a nrp whinging that...

"rp doesnt see what has got, palming the kids off on me on time with them, just to go out on the piss/on a date/[insert behaviour nrp deems inappropriate]"

aprilanne · 14/08/2014 11:55

sorry but leaving your child on his or her birthday .to spend time time with early relationship partner is not on i am with NR PARENT .think it was selfish on resident parent,s part ,

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