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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask the MN jury to deliberate on this case?

149 replies

InTheDock · 14/08/2014 10:19

I'll try and keep the information neutral, including gender and which side of the argument I'm on.

Background: Couple married for 12 years, two children, separated a year ago after one party's infidelity. One parent has main residency, the other has the DC eow and a couple of times a week for tea.

Eldest DC has a birthday which falls on the day that the resident parent normally has the DC. This parent asks non-resident parent to tea to watch DC open presents and do the cake etc.

After this, the resident parent drops the DCs off at their grandparent's so they can visit someone they are in an early relationship with. The NR parent then calls the R parent to speak to the DC and at this point discovers that they have been left at the grandparent's house. The NR parent is very angry about this but the R parent maintains that the DC enjoy spending time with their grandparents and wanted to stay over that night. The NR parent says that if they'd known about these plans they would have had the DC even though they already have birthday plans for the next day with the DC.

So, oh wise MN jury, considering the facts:
Was it unreasonable for the DC to be left at their grandparents' on their birthday?

OP posts:
MrsHathaway · 14/08/2014 13:41

He was happy until he realised it was a date - what a prince.

Are the police involved? Keep a record of everything e sp texts and email, and have a low threshold for reporting.

Hope DD enjoys birthday and you and New Man have a nice time later.

NorwaySpruce · 14/08/2014 13:42

Aha!

I still say you, RP, are not in the least unreasonable, and I know any of my children would choose a sleepover with grandparents over an evening with us.

I bet you're glad to be rid of such a charming ex Grin

Original poster
InTheDock · 14/08/2014 13:42

Thought it might be worth mentioning that the only reason H found out I was not with the DC is because he bombarded me with calls (which I ignored) according to him to speak to the DC (when he'd literally just seen them) and then called my parents' house looking for me. He was checking up on me I'm fairly certain of that.

OP posts:
deakymom · 14/08/2014 13:42

im not sure about giving the nrp "first refusal" what if the children genuinely like going to spend time with grandparents?

mrsruffallo · 14/08/2014 13:44

You are guilty of encouraging the 'toldyaso' smuggeroos. The devil's in the details.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 14/08/2014 13:45

I said the nrp was BAC when i thought it was you Grin i stand by that moreso now its not you!!

ADHDNoodles · 14/08/2014 13:46

If he's bombarding you, tell him to stop. If he doesn't, go to the police for harassment. What he's doing is technically illegal.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/08/2014 13:48

As I said before as long as the children are safe and properly looked after the person who's day it is can make whatever arrangements they like. I think you were being more than fair including your ex in the birthday celebrations at all. And that was all assuming NRP was a reasonable and devoted dad who just wanted to spend time with his kids. Your ex sounds like a total pain in the arse (to put it mildly).

deakymom · 14/08/2014 13:49

aha just found your update if he tries to ruin your dates why not develop and interest in flower arranging and do a college course? i knew a lady who did one and married the only other student (the guy she was dating this was of course a pretend course) her ex didn't want to babysit while she was at college but every time she said "date" he would insist on watching the children then bombard her with text messages and phone calls

CrapBag · 14/08/2014 13:52

See, from reading the OP I was going to say that the RP was BU and should have offered the NRP the chance to have their child for longer on their birthday. I think the way the OP was written, it sounded like the NRP was annoyed at not getting to spend longer with their child on their birthday.

After reading the actual case, YANBU and he is an arse and it had nothing to do with spending more time with their child, but more about not liking the fact that you were on a date.

Bettercallsaul1 · 14/08/2014 13:56

Beyond -

Bettercallsaul1 · 14/08/2014 13:59

Hahaha -posted far too late! (That will teach me to go out in the middle of a thread!)

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 14/08/2014 14:04

You won, saul Grin

FairPhyllis · 14/08/2014 14:08

Ah well I did say RP is not being unreasonable if NRP is being controlling about RP dating. Given that he seems to have kicked up a fuss mainly because it was a date he is very unreasonable.

The timing of the date was a bit unfortunate but if it is difficult to arrange times to see new partner and the children were having a good time then I think what you did was reasonable. It's a pity your H is so unhealthily invested in sabotaging your free time: if he wasn't, you could have a much better co-parenting dynamic and you would feel more comfortable about asking him if he wants extra time with DC on occasions like these.

BookABooSue · 14/08/2014 15:28

FlossyMoo you seem to have missed the bit of my post that said:
or even that the R parent didn't make the plan until after the NR parent had left.

Username12345 · 14/08/2014 15:42

"I know, I'm selfish right? This is what H is saying (along with some other choice names)."

At the point I would have laughed in his face.

He calls you selfish after he's had an affair?

The brass balls on this guy Hmm

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 14/08/2014 15:47

What a massive drip feed.

Simplesusan · 14/08/2014 16:11

Hi late to the thread but I assumed straight away that you were the rp op and that it was your ex who had the affair.

I also guessed correctly that he is pissed off that you have moved on with your life and met someone else.

The reason I guessed correctly is that the same thing is happening to me and has happened to 2 close friends.

In every case the man broke up the marriage with infidelity and in every case the ex is now bitter that the rp apperars to have moved on.

Why they behave like this I really don't know.

My own dd1 (17) has questioned her father as to why , when I did nothing wrong., he can behave in such a childish manner.

He responds that he won't do anything that might help me(?) even if this means a flat out refusal to even see his children.

Sorry for hijack
.

You have done nothing wrong,
One day your dc will be old enough so that you don't have to suffer his bile.

Good luck with your new man btw.

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/08/2014 16:12

So was the plan that the NRP was spending the next day with the DC anyway, as is suggested here:

"The NR parent says that if they'd known about these plans they would have had the DC even though they already have birthday plans for the next day with the DC"

Or was (one of) the reason you did not offer him first refusal because he was unavailable to have the DC the next day as suggested here:

"Fourthly, he has to be up very early so the DC would have had to get up very early to be dropped back with me (fine for me as I was home by 11.30pm but unfair on them)"

And okay, I can see there might have been time/plan changes for him to reorganise in order to have the DC that night and the next day (for example, in my first quote you may have meant the NRP had birthday plans for the next day with the DC from 12 noon ... while in my second quote you may have meant NRP was out from 7am for the morning ... so he might have had to reorganise between 7 and 12 in order to have the extra evening/night), but you didn't actually give him any opportunity to reorganise.

[And, no, you wouldn't have had to tell him you were going on a date, unless you wanted to, you could simply have said the DC were spending the birthday evening/night with GPs unless he would prefer to have that time to add on to the next day].

It still all sounds rather controlling to me.

FlossyMoo · 14/08/2014 16:15

Softly It wasn't a drip feed. The OP says she was keeping it neutral meaning it was just the bare facts of the situation as she wanted opinions just on the GP/NRP babysitting.

Yes book I saw that bit of your post but it was in amongst the bit where you said the RP had asked her DC to lie. Which as it turns out you were completely wrong about.

Viviennemary · 14/08/2014 16:15

It was unreasonable to keep it a secret if indeed it was kept quiet. But if it was the resident's parents turn to have the DC's then can't see why they couldn't be dropped off for a short visit. But going out on the date is a bit cheeky. I'm with the NR parent here.

FlossyMoo · 14/08/2014 16:18

Viv Read the OP's update. Her ex is abusive and causing problems when she has a date.

slithytove · 14/08/2014 16:19

YANBU under those circumstances.

Should have put them in the OP and just hidden your role!

Viviennemary · 14/08/2014 16:24

Sorry I jumped in feet first as usual. Blush. And since he is the one that had the affairs it's beyond logic. And checking up on you is absolultely not on. You must not let him ruin things. Hope it works out.

BookABooSue · 14/08/2014 16:26

FlossyMoo I really don't understand why you're struggling with my post. I said it implied that the RP had either asked the DCs to lie OR the RP hadn't told them about the plans OR the RP didn't make the plans till later. I suggested three scenarios, making it clear I didn't know which it was but also saying that I thought whichever it was, it put the DCs in an awkward position. If you still don't understand what I'm saying then it's obvious you're being deliberately obtuse.

If the RP and the NRP are going to argue about dating or try to keep dates secret then it does put the DCs in an awkward position between them.