To raise concerns to SS re: family member

[OldCatLady]

Changed a few details to not be recognisable. Sorry for the long post.

But background: family member 'Emma' has two children. She had her first fairly young, didn't know what she was doing, SS got involved, but family stepped in and all was fine. DS1 is disabled due to early neglect (I don't know specifically what's wrong with him but is statemented, is 7 and is more like a 3 year old). Therefore they get disability living allowance and carers allowance etc. DS2 is 3 and although not developing as he should, is not disabled, just a little slow. Neither parent works, live in council flat. You get the picture.

I have a few concerns and I'm not sure if I should report them or just keep my nose out. I know that dad hits the kids, and that they are scared of him, not as in punches or kicks them, but enough to hurt and scare them, and is verbally aggressive too. They get a lot of benefits for DS1 though none of it is being spent on him. They give a lot to Emma's mum who is also on benefits but a lot less than them. A lot seems to be spent on clothes, video games, nights out for parents. The kids are left to their own devices most of the time, no stimulation, no days out, no beneficial toys, they eat so badly (junk food 24/7), no bed times, no discipline, always wearing dirty clothes etc.

I feel so sorry for the kids but I feel like I'm being really pathetic in reporting this? What do you think?

I think it's really dangerous to set the bar for reporting at, "When you know without doubt that the child will have a better life with a new family". Because it's really hard to ever know that. It sounds as though 'Emma' did much better with SS support and that support was withdrawn prematurely. The end result of OP reporting may not be the children getting taken into care - it might be increased support for Emma and the whole family. Which would be a good thing, surely.

I think that's a dangerous view, Float.

I'm an advisory teacher for children in care, and I do agree that being taken into care and being in care is often very traumatic for children- however I disagree that it is 'often' worse to be taken into care than to be left in an abusive or neglectful home. The vast majority of the children I work with are much, much better off where they are. Some would be in a much better position if they had been removed earlier.

I think that there is a problem with a lack of foster carers, and a greater lack of skilled foster carers, but it think that this would be addressed by treating FCs as salaried professionals, paying and training them as such and having higher expectations of them.

Family members stepping in is sometimes the best option for children who are removed from their parents- but sometimes they are not, and I think it is wrong to suggest that the problems we have with the care system and trauma-experienced children with significant needs would be solved by well-meaning relatives.

It's even more wrong to encourage people not to report concerns unless they feel able to step in and deal with the situation themselves- this could mean that concerns go uninvestigated and abuse continues, or that children are harmed even more by well meaning family members who are unable to meet their needs.

And Devora's point is excellent; reporting concerns does not mean that children are removed. The threshold for removing children from home is pretty high.

"It doesn't often happen that being taken into care means a better upbringing"

Actually, I take issue with this. It does, it absolutely does often happen. More often than not, IME. This does not mean that being taken into care is free of trauma for children, but to say that it is 'often' worse than being left in an abusive situation is just plain wrong.

You are a charmer aren't you Float.

We are not talking about other kids we are talking about particular kids so your comment about finding some to report to childrens services is facetious.

A family member reporting concerns will be taken just as seriously as a neighbour.

Bloody hell Float children are hardly taken into care lightly, it's the last resort or to protect them from harm. Yes it can be traumatic for them but they would of had to of been in a very bad place for it to happen so I really can't see how they are worse off ultimately.

Of course people should report child abuse or neglect regardless of whether they would ever take in a child themselves. They are still helping to protect a child and that's what matters!

Tethersend, fabulous posts.

Yes, the threshold at which children are removed is high. However in my experience it results in a better outcome for children and young people than being left in chaotic and dangerous home environments.

With regard to the OP, yes report. If 'emma' struggled to parent a baby then she will struggle to parent 2 children with additional needs. She will need a lot of support. I'm amazed she came off their radar.

Make the call.

Thank you everyone for your opinions. I have come to the conclusion I really do need to report this - I can't imagine how awful it would be if something bad happened to the kids. Prevention is the best option I believe...

And to Float, what an absurd view you have. I care about the children a hell of a lot but I am simply not in a position to take them on. I work very long hours, travel with work, do not have the room, but fostering IS something I plan to do in the future (when I do have time and the room) so please do not judge and tell me I'm making it the states problem. If I could take him on I would. And as I said family (me included) helped out in early years to stop him going into emergency foster care, none of us were paid for this.

I will come up with a list of the problems I have noticed within the family and report them to SS as factually as possible. It's hard but I know it's the right thing.

well done op

i know this may be very hard for you to do but you really are thinking of those children and hopefully a better future for them,maybe for all the family

good luck