To raise concerns to SS re: family member

[OldCatLady]

Changed a few details to not be recognisable. Sorry for the long post.

But background: family member 'Emma' has two children. She had her first fairly young, didn't know what she was doing, SS got involved, but family stepped in and all was fine. DS1 is disabled due to early neglect (I don't know specifically what's wrong with him but is statemented, is 7 and is more like a 3 year old). Therefore they get disability living allowance and carers allowance etc. DS2 is 3 and although not developing as he should, is not disabled, just a little slow. Neither parent works, live in council flat. You get the picture.

I have a few concerns and I'm not sure if I should report them or just keep my nose out. I know that dad hits the kids, and that they are scared of him, not as in punches or kicks them, but enough to hurt and scare them, and is verbally aggressive too. They get a lot of benefits for DS1 though none of it is being spent on him. They give a lot to Emma's mum who is also on benefits but a lot less than them. A lot seems to be spent on clothes, video games, nights out for parents. The kids are left to their own devices most of the time, no stimulation, no days out, no beneficial toys, they eat so badly (junk food 24/7), no bed times, no discipline, always wearing dirty clothes etc.

I feel so sorry for the kids but I feel like I'm being really pathetic in reporting this? What do you think?

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Yes, that is a fair point, MrsW - I was just responding to MagicMojito's point about how they spend their benefits being no-one else's business, rather than considering what should or could be done about it.

[queenofthemountain]

For a disability to be causd by neglect, I am thinking it would have to be very very severe ,and to such extent they would have been taken into care.
They are not providing a great environment for their child, but I would say it is low level neglecy and the children will be stimulated at school in termtime.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

The parents who get DLA for a child can be asked to account for it (not in a actual accounting way but you are regularly reminded that is is to cover the costs of the additional needs) and you can be prosecuted for misappropriation.

However.

I think you should report and when you do use the exact same language and complaints you have in your op because I strongly expect you will get the exact result from your report that I and many other posters have instantly got from reading it, and make sure you elaborate further to them on the disability caused by neglect in Sure they would be delighted to hear all about that.

[MostWicked]

The parents who get DLA for a child can be asked to account for it (not in a actual accounting way but you are regularly reminded that is is to cover the costs of the additional needs) and you can be prosecuted for misappropriation.

Completely untrue.
You are never reminded what it is for and you are not accountable to anyone over how it is spent. You cannot be prosecuted for misappropriation.

You have a duty of care to your child in the same way as any parent does.

[ShotgunNotDoingThePans]

I was wondering whether the 'disabled by neglect' comment meant some sort of accident at birth - medical negligence?
Not really clear though is it?
And, again, how does op know about this, if it was caused by parental neglect? Does everyone know? SS must know about it and surely would be keeping tabs on the family.

[MrsWinnibago]

Shotgun a friend of mine has fostered a child who is basically globally delayed due, it is thought to neglect as a baby. I don't know the medical terms but it is a real thing. Also the child in my friend's case suffers from Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

[CrapBag]

If you are concerned then you should report.

If they are fine then no harm done, if not then it needs an intervention. The fact that it won't be the first time reads to me that your instincts are probably correct.]

Stick to facts about their conditions though, not benefits etc otherwise you will sound like you have some sort of 'thing' against them for their situation, not like you are concerned about the welfare of the children.

[ColdTeaAgain]

Am baffled by the 'disabled due to early neglect' - what sort of neglect are we talking here? Was the child malnourished?

Anyway, from what you have described, yes I would report to SS, it sounds as though the whole family need more support and guidance.

[MrsWinnibago]

Cold It can be caused by all manner of neglect during early years. I am nonplussed by all the posters seeming to doubt this is a "real thing"

The impact of neglect on a child may not be apparent at an early stage except in the most extreme cases. However, the effects of neglect are harmful and possibly long-lasting for the victims. Its impact can become more severe as a child grows older and can encompass multiple areas, including:

Health and physical development;
Intellectual and cognitive development;
Emotional and psychological development;
Social and behavioral development.
Although there are four categories of neglect's effects on an individual, they often are related. For example, if a child experiences neglect that leads to a delayed development of the brain, this may lead to cognitive delays or psychological problems, which may manifest as social and behavioral problems. Because neglected children often experience multiple consequences that may be the result of neglect and related circumstances in their lives, it may be difficult to determine if the impact is related specifically to the neglect, is caused by another factor, or arises from a combination of factors. The impact of neglect can vary based on:

The child's age;
The presence and strength of protective factors;
The frequency, duration, and severity of the neglect;
The relationship between the child and caregiver.62

[MrsWinnibago]

I C&P that from childwelfare.gov

[MrsWinnibago]

In the simplest terms, we all know how important interaction is for babies don't we? Imagine if you just left them alone apart from feeding them. That would have massive consequences.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

You are never reminded what it is for and you are not accountable to anyone over how it is spent. You cannot be prosecuted for misappropriation

Go tell that to the DWP who have been sending out letters for years it's called a review of appointee letter

There are even several mumsnet threads from parents who have received them here's one

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/special_needs/a1626333-Is-this-a-standard-DLA-letter

And hmm yes you can.

[Oakmaiden]

MrsW - I don't think people are doubting that children can be badly damaged by neglect.

I think they are doubting that this is what happened in this case, since the child subsequently remained with the parent AND the parent apparently told people that the child's developmental delay was due to her having neglected him.

It does sound more like people have put "neglect" and "developmental delays" together and decided for themselves that the latter was caused by the former...

[MrsWinnibago]

Well if the woman is as neglectful as the OP says, I suppose she'd just sign the review letter and send it back...as though she IS fulfilling her role as appointee.

[Oakmaiden]

...and by people, I mean the OP and probably her family...

[MrsWinnibago]

Oak but the OP is in the family...so she'd know about any neglect which caused diability wouldn't she.

Also the ss don't always take children away do they? Hardly. They quite often leave them in really shit situations.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

We weren't doubting that damage by neglect is possible.

Just that a child so clearly hurt by neglect would remain with the parents if it had been proven that's what happened.

[Oakmaiden]

Well, not unless she has been sitting in on meetings with SS and Paediatricians, she wouldn't. I don't believe the "causes" of developmental delays are usually CCd to the entire family of a child - just discussed with the parents and other safeguarding bodies iff appropriate. For the Op to know that the child's developmental delay was CAUSED by neglect, the mother of the child would have had to say "Yeah, my child has a DD. It is because I neglected him so badly when he was a baby." I don't really think that is likely, do you?

I think it is far more likely that the family has assumed that the one caused the other. Which I think is unfair, and I guess also worries me because so often parents feel "blamed" for their children's difficulties....

[ColdTeaAgain]

No definitely not doubting that neglect can result in disability, of course it can.

More confused by OP's vagueness - seems strange to know that neglect was the cause when not sure what the disability is. Not important though tbh, the family sound like they are struggling :(

[Oakmaiden]

That said- - I agree completely if the OP has concerns about the children's current welfare then she should report those concerns. Rather report unnecessarily than not report when it is needed...

[MrsWinnibago]

Giles it is very common is it not? For SS to leave DC in dangerous situations. Haven't we seen a lot of the evidence of that in thenews?

[m0therofdragons]

Report as you would feel guilty if you stayed quiet and something happened.
However, with 2 dc both with issues, one a disability. I would have thought parents having a night out would be acceptable break from daily stresses. Maybe parents are depressed and struggling with the reality of two dc with issues. Have you spoken to other family members?

[Goldenbear]

This is absurd if it's true- so these low lives are in receipt of DLA for their child and they're responsible for this disability through neglect? Who on earth came to this rational decision??

[weatherall]

Oh the judgy pants are on good and tight on this OP.

[Goldenbear]

Oh yes and you should report your concerns- poor kids served up this shitty existence. Have you said anything to them yourself like 'you're really not going a great job of this?'