Intolerable situation with DH and DM - who is BU?

[CambridgeBlue]

I'll try to keep this brief - basically DH can't stand DM. I am the first to admit she can be difficult and at times very irritating. She falls out with various friends/family members, has absolutely no tact and can be pretty self centred. Trying to keep it balanced I would also say that life has dealt her some pretty crap cards but she is well-meaning, generous and would do pretty much anything for her family.

DH has never had much time for her but lately the situation has got completely out of hand. He will barely speak to her if she visits, never comes with us if we go to visit them and just makes it obvious he can't stand her. I have some sympathy as she can be quite intrusive (always turns to me, never DB ) but I think you have to make some allowances when you marry into a family - I could never imagine behaving to MIL as he does to DM.

Two things lately have brought this to a head - first is that DM has a big birthday this year and DH has flatly refused to attend the celebration. I have accepted this because I know DD and I will have a better time without him but it looks awful to other people and just emphasises to DM that despite me making excuses for his behaviour, he does actually dislike her.

Secondly, they had quite a major incident at home a few days ago which led to DM calling me lateish one evening in tears. I was asleep, DH wouldn't wake me (luckily the phone had so I did take the call) and was extremely unsympathetic. I appreciate late night calls scare the crap out of you and maybe there was no need to ring at that time but again, I just can't imagine being so unkind to someone.

I just don't know what to do. I have made a conscious effort lately to stand up to DM when she is being unreasonable but at the end of the day she is my mother, she is getting older, is not in great health and I have no choice but to be there for her. DH can be quite judgy and antisocial with other people but never as bad as this.

It's ruining my relationship with DH as I feel completely stuck in the middle (we are pretty happy the rest of the time, not perfect but what relationship is?) What's worse is that DD is getting old enough to see both sides and she feels stuck in the middle too. I find myself offloading on her because she is the only one who understands but that's not right as she is too young to have to deal with such crap (she's 12).

We're supposed to be off on holiday in a few days but I feel totally fed up at the thought of playing happy families for a week - I try to put things out of my head and keep the 2 'sides' separate as much as possible but it's just not working any more.

Yes you have a right to an opinion but you don't have a right to dictate how much he should put up with and neither does his wife.

and he does see them a few times in the year.

The op has built in coping mechanisms for her parents her DH doesn't and it sounds like he has reached his limits.

It might well be that her parents do/say things to her DH that she never notices.

BoneyBack but he's anti-social beyond his MIL, he's all round quite selfish. Sounds like the MIL and him have a lot in common, that's why the situation has arisen, both prioritise their own needs instead of thinking- how can I help and support the OP?

A nice mum would see her constant phone-calls were causing problems in the marriage and make a huge effort to back off a bit; a nice husband would support his wife in how she wanted to handle her parents, and be polite and welcoming on those really quite occasional visits (once every six weeks is hardly living in each other's pockets) or find a way to be absent without it being horrible and unpleasant.

You don't need a coping mechanism to cope with a slightly selfish but otherwise unremarkable MIL- my MIL is a real pain and occasionally nasty, but my first priority is always to help my husband do what he wants to do in relation to her. It's not about me.

The OP's husband is selfish, her mum is selfish, sadly she has learned to cope with her husband by building an alternative life with just her and her dd. Sadly for her husband, I wouldn't mind betting she is now starting to think she may as well be on her own given his lack of involvement in 'their' life.

Then may be the OP needs to decide which one she prefers and make a decision based in that.

but I have seen threads on here that the female OP has been suggested that she ban MIL from coming around limit visisting offending MIL etc as she should not have to interact with someone she dislikes in own home etc but people are saying that not only does the DH have to interact with her he has to suck it up.

TBH my brothers MIL is abusive to my brother basically totally thinks hes not good enough for her daugther etc because hes only a doctor and not a high flying lawyer / millionaire etc and it came to ahead at his 40th birthday when she ranted at him for having such a rubbish career etc that my brother lost it and told his MIL in no uncertian terms that she was to leave at once and never darken his doorstep ever again.

And what makes it worse is that my SIL took the side of her mother even tho she constently puts down my brother and spews the shit about how he should suck it up but apprently doesnt think me brother should see his younger brother because he was rude to her basically saying what a supportive wife she was allowing her mother to treat her husband like dirt and she has the cheek that she doesnt want to spend anymore time with my younger brother and that my older brother shouldnt etc

and she calls me on the phone to ask why is their marrige on the rocksetc

Is she being asked to choose one or the other?

Not fair of the H to ask this of her if so.

Would love to see some links to those threads you have seen, Worrid.

math
She isn't being asked by H.

It is my opinion, (I admit slightly changed) she has a PITA mum (I think agreed upon by the majority of posters) that she excuses (again My opinion), and a H that she considers to be behaving like a spoilt child, stubborn, opting out etc.
If the resentment continues to build they will spilt up anyway (or be forever stuck in a bad relationship).

If she makes a decision now then at least she is in control of the decision and there will (probably be) less resentment later on (at least towards the H).

I know what you mean worrid, I was thinking this too when skimming, ( have only skim read). However nothing op says about her mum sounds nasty as many mil threads are...

Also Op has said she is fully aware of her DM faults, again on MIL threads we see DH's who will not see or refuse to see/admit what the problems are, so the op feels blind sided or gas lighted, and not listened too.
It makes a huge diference when dealing with anyone difficult if you can both see the issue.

Op I really feel for you, are you able to appeal to boths better nature for your sake...can she come half way and he come half way

but i do feel you probably need to distance yourself as someone said and not try and fix it...leave it..

math, I have seen numerous threads of that nature...

if you insist on an example then try:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2153831-To-not-allow-ILs-alone-with-my-DD?
for starters.

Tbh I think you are trying to suggest that worrid is lying. She mostly isn't and is spot on about similar threads on MN.

I think every time he digs his heels in and refuses to go somewhere (not just MIL related socialising, and apparently this means every single time she wants to do anything with other people ) he is effectively asking her to choose between him and his company and what she feels like doing.

I am suggesting that Worrid is overstating the case of what a pita this MIL is being. It's nothing like what she described in her own family, for starters.

Again, I feel I am missing something in this MIL's behaviour. By comparison to truly gobsmacking MILs that have been written about, she is a piece of milquetoast.

And since it is not an extreme case, then the comparison and the attempt to make some 'sauce/goose/gander' issue out of this falls flat.

Math

But at no point is he stopping her from going and from what has been posted he doesn't appear to hold it against her if she goes out without him.

In which case no need for a babysitter as dad can have a 1-2-1 night with his children.

math

"And since it is not an extreme case"

For you and the OP may be but we don't know what the H thinks.

The MIL in the other thread had said horrible things screamed DIL should have an abortion-burst into their bedroom.
AS far as we are aware here DM has done nothing like this-just been a bit overdependent and wingy-its a bit different-unless I have missed more outrageous behaviour.

He sounds difficult...

I presume she is his daughter too...?

How awful for her to know that dad hates granny and refuses to have anything to do with her.

How is that being a good role model for her future relationships?

To not make a minimal effort to get on with your other half,s family to me shows selfishness and immaturity (barring truly toxic situations of course!).

No he is not stopping her from going. It's all terribly passive aggressive.

Weirdly, he has identified statements of the MIL's along the lines of 'Gosh, hasn't time flown' as some sort of pressure to prolong their visits or stay until the MIL has had enough of them.

This sort of statement is cited as an example of what a vicious cow the MIL is.

Again, what have I missed?

My mom can be controlling and annoying. I have identified certain phrases (like "back off my choices", " you had your children, these are mine and I raise them as I see fit", and my favorite, "this is not about you") that make her back down immediately and I deploy these at will.

DH is not her biggest fan. I would not and do not force him to endure her often. However, she is my mother and if he could not suck it up for her birthday or Christmas I would think him ridiculous.

I love my FIL but don't like him much. He's old and set in his ways and can be forceful. However, he loves my DC, keeps his homophobia to himself, and won't be around forever. I spent all of last Sunday at his birthday party. Would I rather have done something else? Probably. But he is my husband's father and one half of all the grandfathers my DC will ever have. And he's not abusive or toxic, just an occasional pain in my ass. So I went. Ate some cake, chatted with DS's sisters, complimented the garden. Job done.

DH's sisters, rather :)

MrsWinnibago Mon 11-Aug-14 16:31:11
I think being flooded is awful but most people wouldn't disturb or worry their family unless they needed direct assistance.

Most people I know would phone their parents if something like that happened.

Blimey, I never expected to cause so much debate! It's really interesting to see the conclusions people draw from what I've told of the situation and the whole thread has given me tons of food for thought.

One thing it does make me realise is that neither my DM or my DH are as bad as they could be - yes they are both a bit selfish and like things their own way but neither is in any way abusive or like some of the family members mentioned.

DH never stops me from doing anything I want (like to see him try!) and although he's often less than keen to socialise with other people, sometimes he does and everything is OK. Plus we do have a lot of good times together as a family of 3 - I'm hoping our holiday next week will put us all back on track a bit. He is a good husband and Dad in many ways, I just worry that one day the qualities I like less in him will outweigh the good ones :(.

DM can be irritating, some of that is down to the circumstances of her life but some is just the way she is. Even DD can see it as she gets older - that comes completely from her by the way, not me - I am very keen for them to have a good relationship completely separate from mine with my DM. But her heart is in the right place even though it can be very difficult to remember that at times.

One thing I have taken from this thread is that I can't do much to change any of this, only how I react to it. I've given that advice to people in tricky circumstances before but it's quite hard when it comes to doing it yourself!

Tell him that he is fine to avoid her but you need no more of the nastiness and atmosphere he is creating as it only punishes you - he is to be civil at all times and enable you to have whatever relationship you want with your dm with no harrumphing or comments from him - not even a bristle.