Sister getting married about a month after baby due

[NanooCov]

I think I'm probably being unreasonable but given it's my first baby am not sure if I'm being very precious or just a wee bit.

My only sister met a chap in February of this year. Haven't met him yet. We live SE England and she lives NE Scotland - have seen her at a family wedding abroad since they met but he wasn't there (was all arranged before they met). Have invited them down but they haven't yet taken up the offer. By all accounts they are madly in love. He moved in within weeks and they are now engaged to be married. Mum and Dad had reservations given the speed of it all and the fact he kind of just appeared (no surviving family, no friends to speak of, from South Africa and only moved to UK just before he and my sister met - though he has a UK passport as his parents were British) but are generally supportive.

They have set the date for their wedding for 7th February 2015 - nothing booked yet but it's the one year anniversary of them meeting which they think would be romantic. Wedding will be in NE Scotland somewhere.
I'm due my first DC on 22nd December. Clearly no idea if he will be on time, early or late but if law could potentially be just a month old on date of wedding.
I'm perturbed at the idea of a 500+ mile drive with a one month old to scotland when I'll be still oozing bodily fluids from every orifice, trying my best to BF and generally adjust to trying to keep a small person alive.
Am I worrying over nothing? I kind of want to prepare my sister for the fact that, as much as we'd like to attend, it might not work out for us. If I'm feeling fine and baby is thriving then marvellous, but it's the uncertainty that worries me. I don't want to suggest they push back the wedding (although nothing is booked yet) and to be honest I don't know what would be a more comforting gap between birth and wedding. Maybe I'm overthinking?

It's absolutely fine!

I am in no way getting at those who have had the easy birth experiences, because most are open minded enough to realise it doesn't always go that way.

Honestly, I'm lucky enough to have brought home my beautiful rainbow DS (crappy section recovery but that's another story) and fully intend to have a homebirth with DD2 come sept, and will no doubt be expected to cook the dinner that night

Depends, I was out on a shopping trip having fun 3 days after birth. Couldn't wait to get out after being confined to a hospital room.

But I also had an easy birth, and didn't breast feed.

So... it might be fine, it might not be. I'd just keep it up in the air if you are going. Say you plan to, but if you can't it's nothing personal. As far as wedding planning goes, officially accept the invite so they have food for if you do go. I'd rather buy too much food than too little at a wedding.

Do not feel guilty if you can't manage it. I had twins (so two babies to contend with!) but there is no way we could have managed it. Asides from the recovery from my C Section, mine often struggled with an hour long journey, nevermind one as far as you are looking at (colic, reflux etc)

You just don't know how you will feel after the birth and whether you will have an 'easy' baby

You can't put a new born in a car seat for a 500 mile journey. And you'll still be in the 4th trimester. Send a gushy "sorry we can't make it" message. Anyone who expects you to go is a self-centred dickhead.

The midwife might not have discharged you if your baby is late, so I agree the answer should be a provisional yes.

Dd had jaudice from ventuose/ forceps so feeding every few hours (would have been anyway i think.
I sort of agree it us how muchyou want to,.. However you could be there as its what you want but it may not be best for baby, or very comfortabke for you to travel.
You could go 2 wks overdue, then be induced which could take days and then be in hospital for a week.
Some babies just want almost constant feeding.
Also neither of you may have had a lot of sleep to do such a long drive.
6m together and planning a wedding?
Is she pg too :)
I guess though if she wants to get married before having kids it makes sense.

There is no way I could have travelled that far after having either dd1 or dd2 - but particularly after dd2 who was born by vbac. My whole body felt as though I had been in a boxing match for weeks afterwards, I bled heavily if I walked too far or overdid it and dd fed constantly. A 500 mile journey would have finished me off! Your going to have to tell her you won't manage. Maybe she will rethink it and book a different date - depends how close you are too.

(And apologies I haven't read the whole thread)

I wouldn't have managed to go. I had a third degree tear and couldn't physically have sat in a car that long (and incontinence was still an issue at that stage ). And emotionally I was a wreck with crippling PND. Just the prospect of getting DS to his 6 week check at the GPs had me hyperventilating. So I'm definitely not appreciating the "you can do it if you really want to" and "I can't see any reason why you wouldn't" type of comments!

Hopefully you'll take it all in your stride but since you don't know how you'll feel, I can't see any harm in giving your sister a heads up.

I went to a wedding when dc1 was 7 days old. It's much easier then than with a toddler!

So had a call with my sister and it went ok. She's v excited about having set a date. Still nothing booked and haven't even started talking to venues. So secretly I'm kind of hoping they can't get their date - which is a horrendous thing to hope for but can't help it.
I said I was really looking forward to the wedding and, all being well, we'd be there but if baby is late and/or baby or me is struggling there is a "distinct possibility" (that's the words I chose to use) we won't be able to come. I explained I wouldn't know until after the birth how I would feel, whether I'd have to have a c-section, etc. She didn't say much. Just "yes" and "I understand" and then changed the subject. I don't know. Will let the dust settle and then maybe check later in the week if she's ok.
Deep down I had held out a desperate hope that she would say "don't worry, we'll push it back by a month!"

I did not realise the extent of the birth damage I suffered with DC1 till a few years later when I developed prolapses, the effects of which will be with me for life. Having spent a great deal of time reading and discussing the matter with fellow sufferers and health professionals subsequently I am now much more aware of the length of time a woman's body needs to recover from even straightforward births. We should all be taking it as easy as we can in those early weeks, but our society expects us to be up and about the same day, lugging around carseats with a baby in, pushing supermarket trolleys, it's no wonder so many of us end up with prolapses/incontinence further down the line. My midwife told me off when she saw me in Sainsburys without DS 6 days after he was born, I thought she meant I was neglecting him but I now realise that what she meant was that I should have been looking after myself better. A lengthy car journey might not be problematic in itself, but I do think we are doing the wrong thing for women's health when we tell them they need to stop being precious and just get on with life straight after childbirth.

Yanbu.
I had an emergency c section and would never have been able to manage this. I really struggled at first with a newborn; other people take to motherhood easier than I did.
Plan to go and keep positive but nobody knows how you'll feel! Definitely have a sensible conversation.

zzzzz Absolutely, people are affected differently so definitely not saying anyone with a tear wouldn't be able to go. Like you say, it's luck really but the point is that the OP has no idea how she'll feel afterwards.

I really hate this pressure to get up and carry on 'as normal' just after you have had a baby. Yes, I take it personally because I felt as if I'd been kicked in the stomach by a horse and was leaking repulsively from every orifice - but I wasn't unique in that, dammit. I couldn't walk 50 metres till the baby was two weeks old (when DP got me to go and post a letter). I was boggled by the enormity of what I had done.

Bracing instructions to carry on and just enjoy your baby's portability are not IMO very helpful.

I am from NE Scotland and at that time of year the weather can be really atrocious. Snow, gales etc. plus it is miserably freezing and pitch dark. I would think very carefully about travelling up there with such a tiny baby. You might have a two week old if you go overdue and be feeling utterly shocking! Barely able to sit down, never mind sitting for hours in a car, or mucking about with flights.

Also the drive from London to Aberdeen is 10 hours, stopping once, on a very clear run. Bad weather, constantly feeding bairn, roadworks - could add hours on.

That said, venues in Aberdeen and surrounding areas are sometimes very very booked up, so fingers crossed for you OP!

No way i could have done it.
For starters we were so sleep deprived we weren't safe to drive.
Secondly I had a newborn that HATED the car seat, dd only wanted breast, breast, breast. Even if i was cuddling her at two weeks old she was only happy either feeding or skin to skinning next to her food source.
I was also very badly damaged thanks to massive dd, I couldn't carry her far at all. And sitting in the car for more than 20 minutes was agony.

If you are going I'd second the train suggestion and hiring a car at the other end. All you have to do on a train is sit and feed. Plus the motion of a train soothed dd. I made a from one end of the country to the other journey when dd was 5 weeks old on the train. It was great. I sat there feeding and reading and I got plenty of ooooohs and aaaaaaaaaaaahs from other people.

I couldn't have gone to a wedding four weeks after my DD was born. No chance! And the travelling...you must be joking. Yes, babies are transportable but you have to feel confident about what you're doing and a 10 hour journey is just too long, especially if you're trying to get a routine established. Apart from anything else, you and your DP may well both be too sleep deprived to make that journey safely. If only it was a month later! But some women do have a nauseating and inexplicable indomitableness shortly after giving birth and will smugly tell you there won't be a problem. It really doesn't matter what happened to anyone else, every baby and birth story is different.

I couldn't have gone to a wedding four weeks after my DD was born. No chance! And the travelling...you must be joking. Yes, babies are transportable but you have to feel confident about what you're doing and a 10 hour journey is just too long, especially if you're trying to get a routine established.

I am from Scotland and had a whirlwind relationship with a South African man which all ended in tears (read my other posts!).

What a coincidence!

OP, just to clarify the '2hours in the car seat' limit - it isn't as a previous poster suggested to do with making sure they aren't left in the car seat all day, but is actually much more serious.

The position that a newborn is in when in a car seat (other than a lie flat one) means that their chin drops onto their chest. This reduces how much oxygen they can take in and keeping them in this position for more than 2 hours could have some serious consequences.

See here: www.m.webmd.com/children/news/20090824/infant-car-seats-may-lower-oxygen-levels

So please do take the 2hr limit seriously - they need at least a good 20min break and stretch out (ideally lying flat) between times in the car seat.

My sister was my bridesmaid in deepest darkest devon, hundreds of miles from her home, when my nephew was 4 weeks old and exclusively breast fed.

There are lots of reasons why you might not be able to do it, but don't assume the worst.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes We should all be taking it as easy as we can in those early weeks, but our society expects us to be up and about the same day, lugging around carseats with a baby in, pushing supermarket trolleys, it's no wonder so many of us end up with prolapses/incontinence further down the line.

MotherInferior I really hate this pressure to get up and carry on 'as normal' just after you have had a baby.

I was lucky enough to have a wonderful recovery, and I still completely agree with you both! Pregnancy is taxing, birth is taxing. Women need to be allowed to recover from nine months of gestating followed by a birth.

It took nine months for a woman's body to change enough to accommodate a full-size newborn, and generally it's going to take a few months to become optimised for normal adult life without discomfort!

If women are pressured to just carry on, they're being pressured to risk long-term problems.