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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still no thank you letter from friend for wedding present after 3 months...

304 replies

carolineannabel22 · 09/08/2014 09:12

For some random reason I realised last night that we still haven't had a thank you card from a good friend for her wedding present. She got married in May.

AIBU in that I think that's totally unacceptable? I wrote ours the week after we got back from honeymoon... I know that was keen but I knew if i didn't do it then, I'd never do it!!

OP posts:
IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 10/08/2014 06:50

This thread just reminded me, after DD was born I got cards printed online with her photo on and the words at the bottom 'thank you for my lovely gift'. I sent them to everyone who got her a gift, I didn't write anything further, mainly because I had a newborn and 50 cards to write, but also because I couldn't remember who got what. Several people (older family members and my mums friends) commented on how rude it was that I hasn't personalised the card or written anything further mainly by PA digs about "you must have put the wrong card in the envelope as it was blank"
Pissed me off as I thought that was far more rude than my alleged shortcomings.

melissa83 · 10/08/2014 07:13

If you feel offended by this the person cant be your real friend or someone your close to.

PastaBow · 10/08/2014 07:34

I'm in the same situation.... We couldn't attend a wedding earlier in the year. Declined when invite was send so wasn't a card of me pissing them off by pulling out late.

Sent a cheque and a card. Cheque cashed and that's it. No acknowledgement or thanks.

I send thank you cards but I'm just as happy with a text, FB message, email etc.

I do think it is rude that they haven't even acknowledged our gift 4 months on.

TomatoSorbetWoman · 10/08/2014 07:37

Nonsense. Of course friends can Offend you.

TomatoSorbetWoman · 10/08/2014 07:38

Lol at needing a photo card or being too busy. FFS man up and say thank you

melissa83 · 10/08/2014 07:39

By not sending a thank you card? What about expensive presents you get your siblings or your parents? If they sent you thank you cards they were right freaks.

melissa83 · 10/08/2014 07:39

*you would think they were

Roussette · 10/08/2014 08:00

Yes it's all about acknowledgement AFAIC. (in whatever form that acknowledgement takes).

TomatoSorbetWoman · 10/08/2014 08:02

I send thank yous to siblings sometimes.

monkeymamma · 10/08/2014 08:03

My cousin took a year but did send a disk to each guest with wedding pics, proper note etc and did apologise for the lateness!
Dh and I took 3-4 months but I made my cards by hand using scraps of the vintage fabrics we used for bunting, favours etc at the wedding and we wrote a personal note in each one with reference to the gift (kept a spreadsheet to keep track if gifts :-)

melissa83 · 10/08/2014 08:07

I bet the same women that worry about this type of thing are the same ones that write dh and I ont get on as Im doing wifework chores dawn till dusk so we never have sex or I dont have any hobbies as other women are pressuring me in to writing 350 personalised cards to a load of random people who cant be my real friends or I would of spoke to them in the 3/4 months since the wedding.

Waste of time if you ask me and if I get one I just stick it in the recycling with the junk mail.

bonzo77 · 10/08/2014 08:10

If you mean an actual written card then YABU.
If you mean some formal acknowledgement then YANBU. A call, text or email is fine IMO. And actually it's nicest to send them out ASAP, 3 months really feels to be late enough. We got cards at the same time as we ordered invitations, and sent them immediately we recieved gifts. They'd all fine out within a week of returning from honeymoon. Plain cards with a personalised note from me or DH.

We / my parents got very few formal thank yous from guests. I didn't know they were a thing. It's is the bride and grooms decision to have a party, pick the budget and invite who they wish. They can choose. Guests often feel obliged to spend a lot of time and money (travel, gift, outfit, accommodation, baby sitter) in order to attend. I don't really see why guests need to thank the hosts, beyond saying something nice on the day, or at most a text.

bonzo77 · 10/08/2014 08:11

*fine? ^been sent out.

Laundryangel · 10/08/2014 08:15

I was brought up to always send thank you letters and, as a PP has said, was made to sit down on Boxing Day to write them to everyone who had given me a gift whether it was a selection box from the NDN or a decent amount of cash from a relative.
I do think times have changed. When my DC (eldest is 5) were born, I used to do written thank you letters for all gifts but am gradually evolving, partly due to cost of stamps. If gifts are sent by post, I immediately text the sender to acknowledge receipt & will then send a thank you letter in due course. People who have handed the present over in person & have usually seen the child open & play with it & get evident enjoyment from it, just get a text.
I think if my 8 you great aunt who has exquisite hand writing, those Smythson personalised note cards & is generally a stickler for etiquette is sending me a text & a photo as a thank you, then times have changed!

ilovesooty · 10/08/2014 08:19

I couldn't agree more "Noodle*

Ladyflip · 10/08/2014 08:19

Haven't read the full thread, but am assuming that OP wrote to bride's parents (or whoever's name was on the invitation) within a week of the wedding to thank them for inviting her to the wedding, mentioning what a wonderful day everyone had had? If not, she can't really complain at no thank you for a present, can she?

BeeInYourBonnet · 10/08/2014 08:20

I have been to 3 weddings in the past 2 years, all with wedding lists where I bought a gift to be shipped direct to B&G. I also did the same for a wedding I was unable to attend due to illness.

I have received NO acknowledgement for any of these gifts. I'm not expecting a flowery hand made card. A fecking email or text, or even a mention in person, would have been lovely.

It is RUDE!

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 10/08/2014 08:30

We were forced to sit and write thank you letters after Christmas and birthdays as children, it was such a chore, I'm so glad there are other means of communication these days and pretty well everyone I know thanks in person, by FB, phone call etc. Cards/letters are expensive and slow to arrive, we only use them for the older generation now.

I would rather have a prompt FB message than a personalised card 6 months later if I'm honest.

TomatoSorbetWoman · 10/08/2014 08:47

People don't need a stupid scraps of fabric card fgs. Just write a bloody letter

PetulaGordino · 10/08/2014 09:09

"Brides are all me me me"

I don't see why thank yous are just the bride's responsibility

slithytove · 10/08/2014 09:17

It was a bit 'wife work' yes.

But to me, showing my appreciation for thoughtful presents and more importantly, people's effort for coming to our wedding, was more important than scoring points off DH especially since his would have been unreadable

slithytove · 10/08/2014 09:18

But ideally, yes it should have been a shared task. DH was working though and i wasn't. I just wrote one a day once we were back from honeymoon.

StrawberryMouse · 10/08/2014 09:21

I hink I've only ever had a couple of thank you cards following any wedding ever. It's not something that always seems to be done now ime.

PrimalLass · 10/08/2014 09:24

None of the PP insisting on cards have addressed (get it Grin) the issue of the waste. All that paper that just goes in the bin ...

KoalaDownUnder · 10/08/2014 09:28

I completely agree with NannyOgg

As for comments like this:

Did you send a thank you card for the wedding invitstion/meal/breakfast? What do you think the relevant costs were of present to price per guest of hosting the wedding?

What the heck has that got to do with it?! Confused. The cost of inviting the guest and the cost of the present are NOT related. It is so appallingly materialistic to think of it in terms of, 'Oh, I paid $xx per head to have Mergatroyd at my wedding, and her present was probably worth $xx, so we're about even...goodo, no thank-you note needed, then.'
WTF??!

You thank your wedding guests for taking a day out of their lives to focus on YOU, and for giving you a gift to celebrate YOUR big event.