Breastfeeding on Cross Country trains - a horrid experiance

[Paulala]

Hello ladies, I'm a first time poster & a first time mum so apologies if I introduce myself by way of a horrid experience but I'd like to know if you think I'm being unreasonable.

I've just taken my first train journey with my 7 month old boy, we were travelling alone to Derby with everything we needed for a week on a Cross Country train. Everything was going ok until we returned to our seat from a nappy change. The nappy change itself was quite upsetting for him, being strapped to a table in a moving urine soaked metal cubical isn't very pleasant, but I hadn't expected a lot from the facilities.

I intended to give him a breastfeed at our seat but when we got there the seat beside us was occupied (we were in a set on 2 seats not a table of 4). I asked the man sitting in the seat if it would be possible for him to move to one of the single vacant seats 3 rows up just while I breastfed so I could have a little bit of privacy. He said No & stated that was the seat he was allocated why should he move.

I asked him again saying my baby needed to be fed, he was hungry & distressed & there were empty seats in view he could use. He said I should move there instead, this really wouldn't have helped as they were single aisle seats & would have meant I'd have to feed even more publicly. I was so upset I asked him if he expected me to breastfeed in the seat beside him with him watching & he just shrugged his shoulders.

At this point everyone close by was aware of the situation & I'm still standing in the aisle with an upset baby, this man hasn't even got up to allow us to sit down. The ticket inspector then arrives & I explain to him that the man in the seat beside us is causing a lot of distress with his insistence on sitting there while I breastfed. Anyone who's traveled by train will know neighbouring seats offer no prospect of personal space.

I fully understand his right to the seat he booked but both he & I could see other seats he could have taken until I stopped feeding then he could have returned to the seat he booked when we finished. I'm sure many men would have been totally ok with doing that. Instead he was nasty & snarly & the thought of him watching me feed my baby in such a tight space was horrible. I had no option but to ask the ticket inspector to help me find another seat & to help me move all my things, we would also need the assistant at Derby station to be made aware we'd be on another carriage. All because this man would not move 3 rows up.

Still seating stubbornly in his seat the man recognised how upset he'd made me & stated loudly to everyone, right I'll move & asked the guard what he was going to do about it. The guard then said we'll sit you in first class sir don't worry about it you will be ok there. I couldn't believe it he'd made me suffer through a very public request to breastfeed privately (or as private as I could be) he'd initially insisted he would not move while I did so & left me feeling like I shouldn't be breastfeeding on a train, all while I stood with a distressed baby in a moving carriage while everyone watched. When the man eventually moved I sat & fed my baby & cried it was the worst breastfeeding experience I've ever had.

I have to travel back next week with the same train company & I'm dreading it, I can't express milk & I'm really worried something similar will happen again. I think trains should have a breastfeeding policy which recognises a womans need for privacy and a bit of respect. Not a system where men are rewarded for making women feel bad about the need to feed their babies. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Cheers ladies,
Paula

No one wins here. The man could have moved just for the sake of OPs privacy. OP shouldn't have made such a fuss.

If it were me, would have just fed the baby. If he didn't like it he could move. I know sometimes it's nice to have privacy but I bet he wouldn't have even noticed, probably would have thought you were just cuddling the baby.

It would be great if BFIng was just normalised. Creating a fuss as a BF mother doesn't help this tbh.

Oh for goodness sake.

No the implication is the OP wanted to feed without someone sitting next to her.

YABU (sorry). I've breastfed on many a train and managed it discreetly and without fuss (I draped a big scarf over us). To be honest it was only really made an issue because you felt uncomfortable enough to ask him to move. You are breastfeeding your child, which is a good and necessary thing for you to do at that point, it's NOT a big deal but it was made one.

Actually I think it would have been nice if he'd moved, purely because it would have been a nice thing to do, but you really shouldn't have asked him. Enjoy the rest your holiday and don't stress about the journey home, just feed your baby when you need to. Oh and your baby is gorgeous!

and the man moves and at the next stop someone gets on and says "excuse me your sat in my seat" then what? The poor man has to move again?

All he wanted to do was sit in the seat he had booked and get to where he wanted. I wouldn't be keen on leaving my pre-booked seat unless someone had a very good reason to ask, and IMO wanting an empty seat next to you to feed isn't a good reason

Just another yabu from me, reasons all summed up perfectly already.

YABVU.

If you're uncomfortable bf in public you should have planned the journey better-bottle or cup of expressed? Or even finger food snacks-he is 7 months after all...

The man had every right to remain in his seat & you drew the unwanted attention by creating a drama where there didn't to be one. You should have simply sat down & discreetly fed your son-it's really very easy, I speak from experience.

Cross country trains are a bloody nightmare to try and find an unoccupied seat on. Often fully booked, you can't see whether a free seat is reserved at a point further down the line. And if you move from your designated seat only to find that the one you moved to was reserved you can't go back to your seat if someone else is sat there. (I've seen huge arguments on this point). So I probably wouldn't have moved if you'd asked me. I might have been willing to swap seats with you if that would have given you more room/more comfortable. But not risk moving seats (I often travel 7+ hours a day. Once I'm sat down, I only budge for emergencies and wine )

I can see why you might be uncomfortable if you aren't used to feeding in public or your baby was very upset and it would take a few goes to latch him. However you are unreasonable to expect.someone else to adjust their environment to suit you, when it was you that was uncomfortable. (yes I have taken small babies on long journeys and fed them on the train.)

YABU. BF my two children way longer than socially acceptable and I never had to ask anyone to move or accommodate me. I simply popped a boob out and fed. That's what they're for. You should have found alternative seating if you weren't happy.

I think the op has had a flaming because there have been some very scathing comments about her being entitled and ridiculous.

Not everyone feels comfortable breast feeding in public, you don't automatically join the pro-breastfeeding brigade, happily feeding anywhere. Same way some women don't like showing their arms or legs or wearing a bikini. Just because it's wrong that society sometimes makes women feel uncomfortable in certain situations doesn't mean you want to be an ambassador for the cause - as much as it's admirable to do so.

I and many breast feeding friends were so relieved to be able to pop into the John Lewis feeding room whenever in town for the privacy and quiet. We just weren't that happy feeding in public.

Should parent friendly places like John Lewis get rid of the breast feeding room and just put seats out in the shop in order to normalise breast feeding?

Also the baby is 7 months old! Unless the op has been in a retreat surely she has bf in company before this?

My totally sympathy goes to the poor bloke here, sat on a train in his located seat, minding his business and then being accused of being a pervert because he wouldn't move seats as some random stranger wanted to bf.

Beggars belief, poor bloke.

YY Sirzy.

I had a somewhat similar situation once. I had reserved my seat, which was in a 2-seater. Another woman had reserved the other seat. She had an older baby (I'd guess 18-24 months) on her lap. When the train pulled out of our station, there were other seats still free so she asked me if I would move so her toddler could sit on my seat. I said sure, but that if the train filled up then I would come back to my allocated seat and the toddler would have to go back on her lap. Sure enough, the train was full two stops further on, so I came back - and she refused to move her baby! I ended up standing for another two hours. I was not impressed.

YABU - if you feel you need two seats for privacy you need to book and pay for two.

Once again - why do people these days need to have "the right" to ask for help?

I really hope posters here who are gripping their hypothetical train seats and defending their legal right to NOT help the OP, would actually be kinder in real life. What are we teaching our children? "Don't step out of the away for the old lady, sweetheart, you have just as much right to take up space on the footpath as her!" ??

combust so you are a breastfeeding counsellor, someone comes to you and says I feel uncomfortable feeding in public and your response is that's tough, get over yourself?

Or is his ex the counsellor?

If it's the first I think you might be in the wrong job.

I'm afraid I haven't the time to RTFT (sorry!).

I don't think the OP was unreasonable to ask the man to move. I remember being on a plane while DD was young, and while I was happy to feed her in my plane seat, I did feel sorry for the woman sitting next to me (who alternately had DD's feet across her lap, and DD popping off to smile at her, so she got sprayed with milk). It is awkward feeding in such close quarters, and neither of us had the option to move.

However, she shouldn't have expected the man to move. She could have moved herself or asked the guard for an alternative. Or simply got on with it.

OP, train travel is obviously not for you. Y
our baby is 7 months old, and if you aren't comfortable feeding him in public, giving him a bottle of expressed milk or water, then you need to either revert to not using trains or get off at a stop on the way and then catch another train and continue your journey.
It would be good if feeding/changing facilities were available on the trains, but without a change in the law it's unlikely to happen.
And yes, YWNBU to ask him to move. YWBVU to get all het up because someone else didn't want to move because you wanted privacy on public transport.

To be honest, if it was my husband and the OP just sat down and fed the baby he wouldn't have even noticed. He would be reading his book.

It is fine for the OP not to be confident feeding in public but that is her problem, not the bloke who booked a seat and is getting on with his day. If you want privacy book two seats or drive.

YANBU.
Some of these responses are really unpleasant, bordering on nasty.
I'm amazed how women are so unsupportive of each other.
Calling OP entitled, really?? WTAF?

What a daft comparison Surfsup.

As it happens 4 year old DS on a train which was full the other week said "If someone needs me seat I will stand with you mummy"

But the woman in the OP didn't need the seat, she wanted 2 seats even though she had only paid for one. She expected other people to go out of their way simply because she was feeling a bit uncomfortable. What would she have done on a busy train expected the man to stand for her?