Breastfeeding on Cross Country trains - a horrid experiance

[Paulala]

Hello ladies, I'm a first time poster & a first time mum so apologies if I introduce myself by way of a horrid experience but I'd like to know if you think I'm being unreasonable.

I've just taken my first train journey with my 7 month old boy, we were travelling alone to Derby with everything we needed for a week on a Cross Country train. Everything was going ok until we returned to our seat from a nappy change. The nappy change itself was quite upsetting for him, being strapped to a table in a moving urine soaked metal cubical isn't very pleasant, but I hadn't expected a lot from the facilities.

I intended to give him a breastfeed at our seat but when we got there the seat beside us was occupied (we were in a set on 2 seats not a table of 4). I asked the man sitting in the seat if it would be possible for him to move to one of the single vacant seats 3 rows up just while I breastfed so I could have a little bit of privacy. He said No & stated that was the seat he was allocated why should he move.

I asked him again saying my baby needed to be fed, he was hungry & distressed & there were empty seats in view he could use. He said I should move there instead, this really wouldn't have helped as they were single aisle seats & would have meant I'd have to feed even more publicly. I was so upset I asked him if he expected me to breastfeed in the seat beside him with him watching & he just shrugged his shoulders.

At this point everyone close by was aware of the situation & I'm still standing in the aisle with an upset baby, this man hasn't even got up to allow us to sit down. The ticket inspector then arrives & I explain to him that the man in the seat beside us is causing a lot of distress with his insistence on sitting there while I breastfed. Anyone who's traveled by train will know neighbouring seats offer no prospect of personal space.

I fully understand his right to the seat he booked but both he & I could see other seats he could have taken until I stopped feeding then he could have returned to the seat he booked when we finished. I'm sure many men would have been totally ok with doing that. Instead he was nasty & snarly & the thought of him watching me feed my baby in such a tight space was horrible. I had no option but to ask the ticket inspector to help me find another seat & to help me move all my things, we would also need the assistant at Derby station to be made aware we'd be on another carriage. All because this man would not move 3 rows up.

Still seating stubbornly in his seat the man recognised how upset he'd made me & stated loudly to everyone, right I'll move & asked the guard what he was going to do about it. The guard then said we'll sit you in first class sir don't worry about it you will be ok there. I couldn't believe it he'd made me suffer through a very public request to breastfeed privately (or as private as I could be) he'd initially insisted he would not move while I did so & left me feeling like I shouldn't be breastfeeding on a train, all while I stood with a distressed baby in a moving carriage while everyone watched. When the man eventually moved I sat & fed my baby & cried it was the worst breastfeeding experience I've ever had.

I have to travel back next week with the same train company & I'm dreading it, I can't express milk & I'm really worried something similar will happen again. I think trains should have a breastfeeding policy which recognises a womans need for privacy and a bit of respect. Not a system where men are rewarded for making women feel bad about the need to feed their babies. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Cheers ladies,
Paula

[minibmw2010]

Sorry OP, I don't want to make you feel worse but you did behave badly in this instance and the man did not.

[HouseofEliot]

Yabu you only paid for one seat not two. The man was perfectly entitled to stay there.

[mindthegap79]

Sorry that you had this experience, but I'm afraid I think YABU. I say that as someone who exclusively breastfeeds my 5 month old. You weren't prevented from breastfeeding, and although it would have been nice if the man had moved, there was no reason why should. What if the train has been busier? There would have been no option of sitting on your own to breastfeed. If you want to guarantee an empty seat next to you, you might have to book 2 tickets. However as previous posters have said, if you had just got on with it he might not have even noticed. Gorgeous baby by the way!

[BellaVita]

deaky if you think that then you need to report the OP if you haven't already done so.

[Sirzy]

I don't think you can expect privacy on PUBLIC transport. The two aren't really compatible. You just have to make the most of the limited space you have.

[hiccupgirl]

As much as I get why you found the whole thing distressing and you are clearly stressed about travelling by train YABU.

I came back with my 4 year old by train yesterday - 4 hr journey. He kicks off about the slightest thing and will have a screaming meltdown about sitting next to someone he doesn't know. So although he doesn't need a ticket yet I pay for him to have a reserved seat to avoid a massive fuss and screaming for everyone else on the train.

As other people have said, trains are busy places and if you are that uncomfortable about public BF then you need to make sure it's going to work for you regardless of other people. In your situation I would pay for a seat for your son and then no one can sit too close.

Yes the man could have moved but people do get very territorial on trains so I can see why he refused. Maybe if you had just asked the guard for help first you would have got put in first class instead.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

I'd have thought that after seven months you would have got the hang of bf in public without it being a big deal

[combust22]

"Yes the man could have moved but people do get very territorial on trains"


hiccup I don't see what is "territorial" about sitting in a seat you have booked and paid for. The poor man was within his rights.
My OH ( who has been married to a breastfeeding counsellor for 15 years and witnessed literally hundreds of women breastfeeding at close quarters) would have been insulted and embarrassed at being asked to move.

[Notso]

It's unfair to say OP should feel comfortable with doing it in public, because she obviously doesn't. You can't tell people how to feel.
I wasn't with confident with DC1 I was only 19 and felt really exposed doing it in public.
Saying you should be an expert by now is just unhelpful. My friend is currently breast feeding an 8 month old but he will only feed in the rugby ball hold, there is nothing discreet about it, luckily for her she doesn't care.

In the OP's situation with DC1 I would have fed miserably in the manky toilets. I wouldn't even have asked someone to move as I would have been too embarrassed.
With my others I would have just started feeding and hoped the milky noises and feet thrashing would move him on so I had a bit more room.

I hope all the people suggesting booking a cheap child seat for a baby would move the baby to let someone sit down if the train was very busy. The amount of selfish people I have seen with a little kid or baby on their knee who then plonk it down on the next seat sharpish when there are people looking to sit down makes me cross. That is far more entitled than the OP asking someone to move for a quick breast feed.
Especially when the person looking to sit down is obviously in need of a seat.
I have stood up and squished three of my children on one seat to let someone sit down.

[mindthegap79]

Just what I was thinking FamiliesShareGerms - the more I think about this, the more irritated I feel. As a breastfeeding mother, the last thing you want to hear about is a scene being created where breastfeeding is portrayed as an issue and something to hide - it isn't!

[Only1scoop]

Op's first post....hope she comes back with her thoughts.

[helensburgh]

Haven't read through but this is awful the ticket inspector moved him to first class.

Awful.

Personally I'd have cracked at that point and lost it, so well done for not doing so.

I'd contact the rail company today and explain

[helensburgh]

Why are people going on about this poor lady's experience portraying breast feeding in a poor light, how awfully o use her experience as an excuse to do this.

Shame on you all , she was a vulnerable woman travelling alone trying to feed her baby, that is it.

[Thebodyloveschocolateandwine]

My dh works away and the commute is dreadful. If he had a seat he wouldn't move.

You are breastfeeding like millions of other women. So bloody what? I bf all my 4 everywhere and anywhere and can guarantee you no one saw my nipple. I used a light Cotton cover.

If you were giving birth on the train then yes ok.

Also the assumption that this man would perve after your breasts is disgusting and you could get yourself into a lot of trouble flinging nasty accusations around like that.

Goodness me. One small baby and so much fuss.

[Notso]

My OH (who has been married to a breast feeding counsellor for 15 years and witnessed literally hundreds of women breastfeeding at close quarters) would have been insulted and embarrassed at being asked to move.

Why? Surely with that kind of experience he is in a far better position than most to understand that some women need a bit more privacy when breastfeeding. In any case unless he goes round with a breastfeeding friendly t-shirt on how would anyone know? My husband would be happy to have someone next to him feeding but equally has the common sense to recognise when someone isn't comfortable and would gladly move.

[dexter73]

I imagine the ticket inspector moved the man as it was easier than moving the op, her baby, all her luggage, finding her 2 seats together and informing the station she was arriving in that she had changed carriages.

[Thebodyloveschocolateandwine]

helensburgh a fully grown woman travelling with a baby does not automatically become vulnerable.

Good grief the drama.

if I was the guard I would have moved the poor bloke Away from the situation too. This behaviour is very very strange.

[combust22]

helen
"Haven't read through but this is awful the ticket inspector moved him to first class.

Awful.

Personally I'd have cracked at that point and lost it, so well done for not doing so.

I'd contact the rail company today and explain"

Awful for whom? The OP? Or the poor guy being harassed?

[combust22]

Notso because the implication is that the guy may be some perv who wants to ogle a nipple.

[Surfsup1]

I don't see what is "territorial" about sitting in a seat you have booked and paid for.

I think I'd be more inclined to agree if there had not been vacant seats just a couple of rows away. It does seem a bit childish to not help some who has asked for your help (just asking isn't easy) when it would in no way inconvenience the man. I would have to be SERIOUSLY put out or disrupted to not help someone who feels the need that help. It's not about defending your 'rights' it's about having a bit of compassion surely?

I'm sad that our society seems to feel that helping others has so little value. The man was within his "rights" to reject the OPs request but it sad that he didn't chose to help her when he so easily could.

[kali110]

Yabu.
Why should he have had to move? He was in his allocated seat! What if the seat he moved to was reserved too and those people got on?
Im a woman and wouldn't have moved either!
Im pro breast feeding too but i think you made a scene and sounds like from your words that you humiliated this man.
Its no wonder he was moved to first class as sounds like he deserved it.
From your post your insinuating that the man next to you was a weirdo for not wanting to leave his allocated seat and that the train driver was sexist for not putting you in first class.