Breastfeeding on Cross Country trains - a horrid experiance

[Paulala]

Hello ladies, I'm a first time poster & a first time mum so apologies if I introduce myself by way of a horrid experience but I'd like to know if you think I'm being unreasonable.

I've just taken my first train journey with my 7 month old boy, we were travelling alone to Derby with everything we needed for a week on a Cross Country train. Everything was going ok until we returned to our seat from a nappy change. The nappy change itself was quite upsetting for him, being strapped to a table in a moving urine soaked metal cubical isn't very pleasant, but I hadn't expected a lot from the facilities.

I intended to give him a breastfeed at our seat but when we got there the seat beside us was occupied (we were in a set on 2 seats not a table of 4). I asked the man sitting in the seat if it would be possible for him to move to one of the single vacant seats 3 rows up just while I breastfed so I could have a little bit of privacy. He said No & stated that was the seat he was allocated why should he move.

I asked him again saying my baby needed to be fed, he was hungry & distressed & there were empty seats in view he could use. He said I should move there instead, this really wouldn't have helped as they were single aisle seats & would have meant I'd have to feed even more publicly. I was so upset I asked him if he expected me to breastfeed in the seat beside him with him watching & he just shrugged his shoulders.

At this point everyone close by was aware of the situation & I'm still standing in the aisle with an upset baby, this man hasn't even got up to allow us to sit down. The ticket inspector then arrives & I explain to him that the man in the seat beside us is causing a lot of distress with his insistence on sitting there while I breastfed. Anyone who's traveled by train will know neighbouring seats offer no prospect of personal space.

I fully understand his right to the seat he booked but both he & I could see other seats he could have taken until I stopped feeding then he could have returned to the seat he booked when we finished. I'm sure many men would have been totally ok with doing that. Instead he was nasty & snarly & the thought of him watching me feed my baby in such a tight space was horrible. I had no option but to ask the ticket inspector to help me find another seat & to help me move all my things, we would also need the assistant at Derby station to be made aware we'd be on another carriage. All because this man would not move 3 rows up.

Still seating stubbornly in his seat the man recognised how upset he'd made me & stated loudly to everyone, right I'll move & asked the guard what he was going to do about it. The guard then said we'll sit you in first class sir don't worry about it you will be ok there. I couldn't believe it he'd made me suffer through a very public request to breastfeed privately (or as private as I could be) he'd initially insisted he would not move while I did so & left me feeling like I shouldn't be breastfeeding on a train, all while I stood with a distressed baby in a moving carriage while everyone watched. When the man eventually moved I sat & fed my baby & cried it was the worst breastfeeding experience I've ever had.

I have to travel back next week with the same train company & I'm dreading it, I can't express milk & I'm really worried something similar will happen again. I think trains should have a breastfeeding policy which recognises a womans need for privacy and a bit of respect. Not a system where men are rewarded for making women feel bad about the need to feed their babies. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Cheers ladies,
Paula

In an ideal world he'd have offered to get her a glass of water, not moved!

ilovesooty ... I thought the way she acted was indefensible and I felt sorry for the man she bullied and harassed.

I thought her comments later were vile. But never mind helensburgh MNHQ have condoned her post and evidently agree with you.

I hope that MNHQ have a rethink about that because this is a site for PARENTS not women. There are many men reading these threads and this is just blatant discrimination and inconsistency.

I'm annoyed on behalf of all breastfeeding mums and for any men whose motives for being anywhere a b/f woman and rights for being there are being trampled here. OP's conduct is a disservice to everybody really.

Absolutely agree witch

Absolutely Lying Well said.

I'm sure Op is long gone but she was being very unreasonable. It's so rude and selfish to tell someone else to move out of their seat.

I would have told you to take a running jump. Cheek!

I doubt the op is long gone. I bet she's still reading.

jeez, just breastfeed. Noone will be watching. I breastfed my two youngest on the Eurostar with people sitting near me. You cant just ask people to move. Put one of those blankets over you if youre worried about noone catching any kind of vague peripheral glimpse of skin.
you were being totally unreasonable to the guy

Actually putting the nuttiness aside it's quite upsetting.

I have 2 lads in their 20s who travel a lot on public transport. They would be horrified and mortified to be spoken to by a womanise this and blatantly accused of being wierd.

They would be very very upset as they have been brought up to respect others and especially women.

That poor man. How dreadful he must have felt and how embarrassed and bullied.

I agree the body

Attitudes and comments by the op insult all decent men. But mnhq seem to think that's OK.

Exactly thebody.

A lot of effort is being done - and rightly so - to normalise breastfeeding. Woman like the op do the cause a lot of harm

Poor old DP would be mortified if this happened to him, he commutes regularly but has sat through plenty of breastfeeding in his time.

Actually he would be less likely to move on account if travelling regularly on a train where even getting a seat is like winning the lottery.

When she finally got what she wanted and the man moved so was able to breastfeed more privately, she STILL said it was her worst bf, experience ever, so nothing was going to make her happy.

Still not sure how you think you can breast feed privately in public!?

I haven't even had a response from mnhq to my report.

In fairness,you cannot reasonably request someone move because you're bf
I do appreciate you seem to have felt compromised or wanted privacy
But no you dont have an entitlement of privacy when bf

Youll not get privacy in cafe,on train,that's the reality of bf

Yes, yes! Bf, should you choose to, is a normal way to feed your baby. You need no special treatment or private rooms. Society has to accept the bfing mother (but not a harpy making unreasonable requests of heir behaviour around bfing).

I BF DD and accepted that I needed to do this in public at points, that's part of the deal. I sometimes used a cover, sometimes didn't, anyone close by had to either watch or not, up to them. I would never had asked anyone sat nearby to move. Obviously sat right next to a stranger on a train, I probably would have used a cover (or improvised something) more for the other passenger's benefit. I wouldn't have wanted them to feel awkward.

I agree, that you might want to look at paying for a child seat and have two seats to yourself therefore avoiding someone else booking it. You can't expect to buy one seat and then take over two when it suits you, what would you have done if there were no empty seats? You would have needed to BF next to the other passenger anyway.

Yab(totally)U.

Stop being a spoiled princess and get on with it, like millions of women do daily.

Exactly

Perhaps the man got shirty because he felt he was being accused of being a pervert who wasn't safe to bf near.

I bf DS on a plane a couple of times next to strangers. Not ideal, but, again, you can't assume privacy on that type of transport.

OP is BU, pay for two seats, you knew you'd need to bf and you knew you wouldn't want to do it next to a stranger so it was your responsibility to avoid that scenario.

My son was breastfed exclusively until 6 months and still has breast milk now at 11months.

We regularly travel to see family in Leeds and Brighton, sometimes twice a month. I always breastfeed on the train and just use a shawl to cover, most times if trains were busy I'd still get on with it! I find people feel embarrassed but they just look away, I once had a woman sitting opposite me get up and leave her seat after she realised what I was doing but that wasn't my problem.

I have also had to go into 1st class when we boarded a packed train an there was no seating. I was standing in the aisle but once my son woke up he needed a feed and there was no where but 1st class to go. The train was delayed and less carriages then they said it would be so was especially packed as a result I went into 1st class and fed him there. I think I had the right too as couldn't feed in aisle standing up and had no way of getting to a seat. Plus if train had of been on time and the extra carriages they said there was supposed to be there would have been space available.

I'd then learned that travelling once trains were less busy meant I had more of a pleasant journey. (10-1!)
It would never occurred to me to ask someone to move, busy train or not.
Def unreasonable!!

I do think it is a bit weird that he wouldn't move. Not that he had to or like she had any right to dictate where people sit. But I think if someone asked me I would have just moved. Rolled my eyes probably, but moved.

In OP's shoes I would never dream of asking someone to move I would have just breastfed. I mean isn't that the whole point? That you just get on with it as you would if you were bottle feeding?

I wouldn't have moved if asked. Let the OP move if she has the problem.