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Original poster

Breastfeeding on Cross Country trains - a horrid experiance

999 replies

Paulala · 07/08/2014 23:11

Hello ladies, I'm a first time poster & a first time mum so apologies if I introduce myself by way of a horrid experience but I'd like to know if you think I'm being unreasonable.

I've just taken my first train journey with my 7 month old boy, we were travelling alone to Derby with everything we needed for a week on a Cross Country train. Everything was going ok until we returned to our seat from a nappy change. The nappy change itself was quite upsetting for him, being strapped to a table in a moving urine soaked metal cubical isn't very pleasant, but I hadn't expected a lot from the facilities.

I intended to give him a breastfeed at our seat but when we got there the seat beside us was occupied (we were in a set on 2 seats not a table of 4). I asked the man sitting in the seat if it would be possible for him to move to one of the single vacant seats 3 rows up just while I breastfed so I could have a little bit of privacy. He said No & stated that was the seat he was allocated why should he move.

I asked him again saying my baby needed to be fed, he was hungry & distressed & there were empty seats in view he could use. He said I should move there instead, this really wouldn't have helped as they were single aisle seats & would have meant I'd have to feed even more publicly. I was so upset I asked him if he expected me to breastfeed in the seat beside him with him watching & he just shrugged his shoulders.

At this point everyone close by was aware of the situation & I'm still standing in the aisle with an upset baby, this man hasn't even got up to allow us to sit down. The ticket inspector then arrives & I explain to him that the man in the seat beside us is causing a lot of distress with his insistence on sitting there while I breastfed. Anyone who's traveled by train will know neighbouring seats offer no prospect of personal space.

I fully understand his right to the seat he booked but both he & I could see other seats he could have taken until I stopped feeding then he could have returned to the seat he booked when we finished. I'm sure many men would have been totally ok with doing that. Instead he was nasty & snarly & the thought of him watching me feed my baby in such a tight space was horrible. I had no option but to ask the ticket inspector to help me find another seat & to help me move all my things, we would also need the assistant at Derby station to be made aware we'd be on another carriage. All because this man would not move 3 rows up.

Still seating stubbornly in his seat the man recognised how upset he'd made me & stated loudly to everyone, right I'll move & asked the guard what he was going to do about it. The guard then said we'll sit you in first class sir don't worry about it you will be ok there. I couldn't believe it he'd made me suffer through a very public request to breastfeed privately (or as private as I could be) he'd initially insisted he would not move while I did so & left me feeling like I shouldn't be breastfeeding on a train, all while I stood with a distressed baby in a moving carriage while everyone watched. When the man eventually moved I sat & fed my baby & cried it was the worst breastfeeding experience I've ever had.

I have to travel back next week with the same train company & I'm dreading it, I can't express milk & I'm really worried something similar will happen again. I think trains should have a breastfeeding policy which recognises a womans need for privacy and a bit of respect. Not a system where men are rewarded for making women feel bad about the need to feed their babies. Do you think I'm being unreasonable?

Cheers ladies,
Paula

OP posts:
Littlemoocow · 08/08/2014 12:38

Whether or not you were being unreasonable, I just want to extend my sympathies OP. When I was a new mum ( and I disagree that 7 months isn't a new mum, it most certainly is) I found all sorts of things very difficult and I didn't know how to deal with lots and lots of situations. I made lots of errors that would hAve attracted huge flaming and criticism on here, but I sometimes think that people forget how difficult it is having a baby for the first time.

gertiegusset · 08/08/2014 12:47

Yes littlemoocow.
Totally agree.

thecageisfull · 08/08/2014 12:49

I think bags with their own seats are trumped by people with tickets but without seats but cellos seem like a grey area as they may have to be booked they way you would book in a bike.

However, the OP was travelling with a passenger, not a bag or a cello and had she paid for a ticket for her passenger then she could've used it, surely.

itsbetterthanabox · 08/08/2014 12:49

Littlemoo what kind of errors?
This thread isn't really related to her being a mum imo, more expecting others to do things she can easily do herself.

SpringyReframed · 08/08/2014 12:49

I can't believe this thread. I feel very sorry for the OP. I would never choose to sit next to a woman with a baby when there where other seats available. It is just common courtesy, breast feeding or not, to give them a bit of space if you can. It would be more comfortable for me too! Have most people posting ever been in this type of seat on a train? you cant even read a paper without knocking the eye out of the person next to you, never mind manoeuvre a baby.

Why on earth would this man want to stay there? Other than being an obnoxious twat?

Notso · 08/08/2014 12:54

Cinnabar yes unfortunately it is true. BIL is usually chauffer driven or flies first class. He thought going on a train was like travelling on a plane and people would get on the next one if it was full. He is a first class arse.

Flora I didn't know you could get a refund on booked seats. It's happened so often to me where I have not been able to get the seat I booked I am probably owed a few hundred quid!

SweetSummerSweetPea · 08/08/2014 12:57
  • SpringyReframed Fri 08-Aug-14 12:49:56

horrid isn't it.

Littlemoocow · 08/08/2014 12:59

Itsbetter, yes I agree, but only in part. Yes she could have moved herself etc, but the way I'm looking at this thread is how I myself felt at that time in my life. At 7 months in, I was only just becoming confident enough to go out with the baby and feeding in public freaked me out. I had so many friends that were bottle feeding and made me feel a bit strange for breast feeding, my boobs used to squirt all over the place when the baby came off (can you imagine a stranger next to you getting squirted!). I found it hard to know what the protocol was with things, baby groups were cliquey and I didn't know how to break into any mum friendships, I would put have had a clue where to put all my baby stuff on a train, so much paraphernalia, when my baby cried in public like on a train, I wouldn't know what to do, in case people were massively judging or tutting at me. It's an overwhelming and all encompassing experience and I have sympathy for anyone struggling with the protocol of babies in public and feeding in public. I think maybe the op will cringe at this in future ( I know I do about myself ) but I just feel that the situation is so hard that I want to extend sympathy, not flame her

WafflesandWhippedCream · 08/08/2014 12:59

I disagree slightly that at 7 months you are as good as you are ever going to be at breastfeeding.

When they are older, they are more likely to bob on and off, try to look round and smile at people, kick their feet hard, push their feet against something and try to turn upside down, stick their fingers up your nose etc. It can be a bit harder to be discreet with a bigger baby, they don't just lie still like a newborn and they take up more space.

It isn't very helpful to just say, "Well I can do it, why are you so rubbish at breastfeeding, you should be a pro by now."

The OP obviously struggles with feeding in public. Some people do. I feel sympathy for her, though that doesn't mean she has the right to turf innocent fellow passengers out of their seats and call them names.

Sirzy · 08/08/2014 13:00

Springy - if that was his booked seat why wouldn't he stay there? As people have pointed out many times just because the seats were free at that point doesn't mean someone wasn't going to need them later in the journey then what? Should the man have had to move again then risk having to stand rather than sit in the seat he had paid for?

EarthWindFire · 08/08/2014 13:03

I also think it could be down to the way she asked. If she came across in the way she did in her last post I'm not suprised he refused to move.

Catkinwillow · 08/08/2014 13:03

Dear God, I'm not surprised the OP has gone never to return. What a welcome to MN! I am amazed at the vitriol and stupidity on this thread - it's the sort of thing that makes me wonder why I even bother to look on here. Some of you know-it-alls should be ashamed of yourselves. You wouldn't be out of place in a pack of hyenas Angry

SweetSummerSweetPea · 08/08/2014 13:06
  • Littlemoocow Fri 08-Aug-14 12:59:11

I AGREE and we get many posts where someone has said - is it ok to go on holiday with new born/ small baby!!! and is it ok to do the most simplest things.....

i agree some sympathy and kindess would have gone a long way here.

5madthings · 08/08/2014 13:06

If I was on my own and there was a free non reserved seat nearby I may well have moved but I generally travel with my own children and always reserve seats for myself and the kids including the under fives and if I was with my kids no I wouldn't move, I need to sit near them.

I have bfed on trains and tubes etc and on the tube I sprayed milk on a passenger sitting opposite me. Embarrassing yes but not the end of the world.

On trains I have sat in the bit between carriages to bfeed or by the window but angled myself towards the window. On a busy train I wouldn't expect someone to move just because I needed to bfeed, if necessary I would move myself.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 08/08/2014 13:06

You wouldn't be out of place in a pack of hyenas

Or a pool of piranhas

Notso · 08/08/2014 13:14

Surely though if there was someone who needed a seat and you are sat with under 5's or even slightly older children you would move your child so they could sit down not move yourself 5madthings
Like I said upthread even if I have booked seats for all my 4 children if there is someone pregnant/elderly/on crutches or whatever else that person to me anyone trumps my 2 year old.

Forgettable · 08/08/2014 13:15
Sirzy · 08/08/2014 13:15

But this woman didn't need the seat. She wanted it, there is a difference

Keepcalmanddrinkwine · 08/08/2014 13:15

Mumsnet at it's finest.
Hmm

I really feel for the OP. She came on for a bit of a moan and got a lot grief in return. He didn't have to move, no, but he could have done. It would only have been for a short time. So could she, I agree, but with more hassle. No need to tear the poor OP to pieces.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 08/08/2014 13:18

She got the less than kind responses after calling the man a misogynist pervert who leered at her breasts and then proceeded to flounce.

Catkinwillow · 08/08/2014 13:18

*Mumsnet at it's finest.
hmm

I really feel for the OP. She came on for a bit of a moan and got a lot grief in return. He didn't have to move, no, but he could have done. It would only have been for a short time. So could she, I agree, but with more hassle. No need to tear the poor OP to pieces.*

This ^^. I so agree.

Echocave · 08/08/2014 13:18

I think you're probably a bit U. One of the things about breastfeeding I think is that if you want to do it, you basically have to get on with it.
If the bloke next to you had objected then I think you could have complained but you can't expect him to move just because you feel embarrassed/want privacy.
Have you got one of those breastfeeding covers?

TheFairyCaravan · 08/08/2014 13:19

This reply has been deleted

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EarthWindFire · 08/08/2014 13:22

Of course the OP can rant but she crossed the line with the vile name calling - which some think is ok.

SweetSummerSweetPea · 08/08/2014 13:27

misogynist pervert who leered at her breasts

I dont understand this - are you saying its ok for him to stare and talk to her breasts and that doesnt make him a pervert?