To feel uneasy about a neighbour?

[lbsjob87]

We've been in our house 12 years, and next door on one side is a single guy in his 60s who has lived there all his life.
He is quite lonely - from conversations had over the years we know he was his mother's carer for 20-odd years then when she died 9 years ago he was at a bit of a loose end.
He rarely sees his family -my OH used to work with his niece and she said they are all very busy etc - typical sad lonely pensioner story. She also suggested that he has what would now be classed as a form of Aspergers, and his family find him a bit "weird".
We try to be friendly and keep an eye out for him but he has no concept of personal space. If we say hello, his eyes light up and we end up talking for up to an hour about literally nothing of note - mashed potato or traffic lights, over and over. We have suggested clubs etc, but he isn't interested.
Our back doors are opposite each other (either side of a fence) so if we open ours, he can see it.
without fail, if we go out to put washing out, whatever, he goes into his garden, and starts a conversation. We can't exactly ignore him, so we now wait till we see he has gone to the shop to go out there. So we, perhaps shamefully, try to avoid him.
Our garden used to be lovely but now is a mess because I won't go out there for any time - I feel like I'm being spied on.
But now I'm starting to feel uneasy about him.
Several years ago, our shed was broken into, so we built a 7ft fence between us and him (also to block him out).
He has built a set of steps so he can see over it for a chat.
His neighbour the other side has a high fence too, but we're on a hill so it's lower our side.
Now my DD is 5, she is old enough to play out there alone, as it's enclosed.
But the other day I heard her speaking to someone - he was talking to her over the fence about school and her baby brother.
She happily chats to him, but I feel it was an inappropriate thing to do.
I don't want to out and out accuse him of being a pervert, and DD knows she mustn't speak to strangers but obviously in her eyes he's not.
He can't get to her at all, and there is absolutely no evidence at all that he is anything other than a lonely old man enjoying the chance for a conversation, but AIBU to just not feel right about this?
And what do I do about it?

[Gruntfuttock]

I agree EveDallasRetd, but it's the talk of grooming, perversion, stalking and "getting over the fence" that I've found particularly sickening and depressing. The complete lack of any compassion and understanding shown by some posters is chilling.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

I think twelve years spending an hour a day if not more talking about mashed potato is pretty compassionate.

As is trying to encourage him to join social clubs etc so he wouldn't be lonely.

There was no need for any accusations about intentions that part us wrong!!! but I don't believe for a second that any of you wouldn't be annoyed at the lack of privacy and so done building steps to see over your fence into your garden and being accosted every single time you went out.

It's all very well screaming "compassion" but 12 years would test anyone's patience.

That's not to say she should never talk to him but surely the steps are taking it to far??

[EveDallasRetd]

Nowhere does OP say she has talked to him for an hour every day for the last 12 years.

Mashed potato was one example of something he said.

Building steps? What, like stairs? Or a ladder? Or maybe just an exaggeration on ops part and what she actually means is "he stands on something to see over the fence"

I don't believe it's every time, and I'm surprised that he sees OP go outside every single time, unless these "steps" are the full length of the garden...

[Gileswithachainsaw]

And an hour may not seem like much to some of you but I can tell you now, that between school runs, nursery, work, washing, cooking, looking after my pets, and general house stuff and two kids, an hour is a big chunk out of my day. I don't get a bath til god knows what time of an evening let alone have time to stand around talking.

That's not to say if not be polite or ask of he needed anything if I was going shopping and my door is always open to my elderly neighbour and the kid down the road should anyone need anything.

But I wouldn't appreciate not being able to use my garden. Sometimes I go out just to get some peace and a coffee. While the kids play

[maddening]

I don't think the op would prefer the man didn't come out to speak at the fence due to his possible AS - but because his behaviour is invasive, she has been accommodating and chatted to him where his own family has no intention of being there for him at all - which is why he is lonely.

It is not awful to want your own space and while we should all make time for vulnerable and / or lonely people it is not the op's responsibility beyond being a friendly neighbour who does talk to him when she meets him which she does.

And while it is unkind to jump to concerns of peodophilia it is something that comes to mind when protecting your dc and is a normal concern when your dc may be unsupervised with another person - and sn/nt has no relevance in that concern.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

That doesn't answer the question though?

Take away the horrid accusations and the comments about SN.

Would you he happy with someone doing as the op said. If what she says is true and it's every time, and we hae no reason to assume she's lying about that and steps, ladder, chair, rock who cares. Is an invasion of privacy of it's that frequently surely? Could You deal with it for 12 years??

[NotOneThingbutAnother]

I don't care if he built the steps, got a ladder or levitated - OP built a 7 foot fence. Why does he have the right to peer over the top because he's lonely?!

I had something similar with a neighbour and it destroys your peace of mind. OP is not being unkind she's just at her wits end.

[Gruntfuttock]

NotonethingbutAnother Surely it's not about him thinking he has "a right" to peer over the fence. The OP's shed was broken into after someone climbed over the fence, so it would not be unreasonable for him to assume the fence was to prevent that happening again. As far as he's concerned, his neighbours will chat to him if they happen to be out in the garden. That's why he keeps an eye out for them (by looking over the fence), because he enjoys their chats. He obviously hasn't got a clue that the OP feels the way she does and the OP's DD is quite happy to have a chat with him. He's not doing anything sinister or criminal.

[bochead]

OP - you need to own your own crap, then you'll own your actions. Instead you are trying to project crap that just isn't there onto an innocent. That's wrong and you know it.

Admit that the neighbour just bugs the hell out of you, and frankly after 12 years you've hit that point of irritation with him that you just can't stand him any longer.

As someone who adores her own privacy I get how you feel, but not why you can't take ownership of your feelings and act upon them. You are an adult ffs. Act like it instead of indulging in a bitch fest behind a very vulnerable soul's back. Your kind of talk can lead to witch hunts and turn really nasty for the victims. It's one of the worst forms of bullying and one we should leave behind us, when we leave the school yard and before we become mothers ourselves.

If you just can't stand the man, then firmly tell him you want nothing to do with him. Rinse and repeat the telling as often as needed without being rude about it, till he drops off your radar. Then own any guilt you feel about that action. This is a basic social skill I teach my ASD son ffs!

All this waffle about instincts is just papering over the real issue. You don't have to like everyone you meet, but everyone is entitled to be treated with at least a modicum of basic decency and respect.

[dolphinsandwhales]

Yanbu op. I think you're a good neighbour to chat and be friendly, but you and your dd are entitled to privacy in your back garden.

[DamonAllbran]

Yanbu op. I think you're a good neighbour to chat and be friendly, but you and your dd are entitled to privacy in your back garden.

This

[dawndonnaagain]

Nobody has disputed her right to privacy.
If the OP had come on and said okay folks, I have a neighbour with additional needs and I would appreciate help with dealing with a problem, those of us with experience (and there is extensive experience here) would have made useful suggestions. That isn't what happened though.

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

of grooming, perversion, stalking and "getting over the fence" that I've found particularly sickening and depressing

I said that in response to very naive posters who are saying - what harm can come to her from him when he is the other side of the fence, as if...he if is a paedophile that would be ok

Whats more sick and depressing is that we live amongst many more paedophiles than we think.

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

dawn

I have a neighbour with additional needs


she cant say that though can she because she has no idea that he actually has.

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

Absolute rudeness, and as for the talk about men watching children and pleasuring themselves

twist it how you want...

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

I had something similar with a neighbour and it destroys your peace of mind

apparently ops piece of mind doesn't matter here.

[dawndonnaagain]

I said if the OP had stated that, Sweet. Try reading the post.

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

The op has never anywhere stated that this man has needs, she said her chinese whispers through her husband at work with his niece said the family think he is weird.

[NotOneThingbutAnother]

As far as he's concerned, his neighbours will chat to him if they happen to be out in the garden. and if he scales a 7ft fence. Most natural thing in the world ….

[bochead]

^ summersweetpea^ exactly it's the start of a nasty whispering campaign against someone whose only KNOWN crime is to be desperately lonely!

The OP doesn't have to like, trust or put up with him. Noone should be forced to spend time with peeps they can't stand, likewise he shouldn't be tricked into thinking she is a friend when she really isn't. I despise witch hunts and this is how they start.

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

No, she is concerned about him, people are saying a man peering over a fence is not a threat, I am saying HE may not be a threat but that does not mean a man peering over the fence is not a threat.

I agree maddening and giles and I think op has been really kind over 12 years where as you say he has been totally abandoned by his whole family.

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

whose only KNOWN crime is to be desperately lonely

you dont know that boch you know nohting about this man.

[IonaMumsnet]

Evening all. Just another reminder to post in the spirit of peace and love please, and let's perhaps step away from the speculation. We don't want to have to delete this thread. We know how sad deletions make everyone. Thanking you kindly!

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

MNHQ its all speculation isn't it - as none of us, including op actually know this man.

We do not know if he has Sn, if he is lonely or whatever.....

I don't mind if you delete this thread as the whole thing is speculation