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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel Awful- How can I put this right... WWYD

117 replies

mrssnodge · 06/08/2014 11:59

Im ready for a blasting, but need to get something off my chest . A work related problem - we have an office communicator/messenger thing, and use this to ask questions quickly with other departments, colleagues etc, but his does sometimes get used for bitching/joking too!
Story is a new starter was logged on to the computer using my colleagues details as she had none of her own set up, and yes youve guessed it, she saw all the bitchy/nasty messages we sent about her! Mainly to do with her over confidence, loudness/know it all atitude after only 3 days, she told the manager and hes told me off.
My colleague isnt bothered in the sightest, said well its all true, not bothered about hurting the new girl feelings, but i feel so bad. I know I have only myself to blame , WWYD? apologise to her/ say nothing? My manager was actually ok with me, he knows it something I wouldnt normally do, I guess I just got carried away a bit- I have definatley learnt my lesson!

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 06/08/2014 12:02

Yes definitely apologise and do some growing up while you're at it.

Greyhound · 06/08/2014 12:03

How awful for the poor lady.

Well, you got caught out and got told off. I think you just need to learn from it and move on. Obviously, apologise to the lady.

I once found some v nasty emails, about me, a woman at work sent to her friends. I was terribly upset and the woman was asked to leave (she was a temp).

NickiFury · 06/08/2014 12:04

Nasty bitching about the new girl, it's mean but I don't believe anyone who says they haven't done similar at one time or another, even if not as bad as that. I'd apologise, say what you've said here, that you got a big carried away etc. I do think you should say sorry though, at least she will feel she has one ally then, which can make a big difference when you feel everyone is against you.

HappyYoni · 06/08/2014 12:04

If I were you I would apologies to her directly, I can never bear the awkwardness of not getting things out in the open. Maybe give her a small box of chocs or something and just say really sorry, just got carried away but regret it now as you can see how unfair you were being etc. then just leave it at that.

Only1scoop · 06/08/2014 12:04

I would apologise to her as soon as you can.... that is vile.

Cookingmonster · 06/08/2014 12:04

Are you 5? Of course you should apologise. Never do anything to make anyone feel bad. YABVU!

Only1scoop · 06/08/2014 12:05

What is your AIBU actually about??

AnnieLobeseder · 06/08/2014 12:06

If you and your colleagues are stupid enough to use work's internal chat tool to send completely inappropriate messages about other colleagues, you deserve everything you get.

What an appalling office work ethic.

I hope you all make the apologies necessary to this new starter, and learn a valuable lesson about what is and what isn't appropriate behaviour.

Mabelface · 06/08/2014 12:06

You do realise that what you've done is bullying, don't you? You've been a complete and utter dick and I hope you've learned your lesson. Apologise to her in a big way. She'll be dreading coming to work in the morning now.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 06/08/2014 12:06

Apologise and admit it was stupid and nasty.

How would you have felt if you'd been on the receiving end of this bitching?

JustAShopGirl · 06/08/2014 12:07

Ouch... I guess you learned a lesson though - never write down or type ANYTHING you would not be happy for all colleagues and the boss to see when you are at work. NEVER....

I would apologise.

NewtRipley · 06/08/2014 12:07

Eat Humble Pie

She's got balls, she's not going to let this unprofessionalism go.

Have some balls yourself and talk to her

PumpkinPie2013 · 06/08/2014 12:08

Poor woman Sad it's hard enough starting a new job and if I was the manager I would not be happy!

Yes, apologise profusely!

Thenapoleonofcrime · 06/08/2014 12:08

I would apologise to the new starter of course, she must feel terrible.

In principle, I never ever write anything personal in an email or in recordable message form. If I feel the need to say something personal, or have a bit of a gossip, I would only ever do it in person or call on the phone- say I wanted to discuss a colleague's attitude at a meeting, or someone was annoying me.

I can't say I never discuss colleagues with other colleagues as that would be a lie.

Lally112 · 06/08/2014 12:08

Just talk to the new girl about it. Get it out in the open. She will appreciate it more if you are honest to her face than just bitchy behind her back.

puntasticusername · 06/08/2014 12:08

Bloody hell. You're lucky (your poor new colleague maybe not so much Hmm )that your manager is so laid back about this. In many workplaces, this would see you disciplined or even sacked.

Yes, you should apologise to your colleague. And in future, remember not to write ANYTHING on your work IT systems unless you're prepared for it to come back and bite your someday.

chrome100 · 06/08/2014 12:10

I was on the receiving end of this a few years ago at work. I saw over my boss's shoulder her bitching about me on our instant messaging system. I was pretty crushed. I ended up confronting my boss in a private meeting but wished that she'd apologised to me first.

gamerchick · 06/08/2014 12:10

Yeah she will be dreading it.. she must have been quite upset to bring it up with the manager.

Even if it's true it doesn't give a pass to be a bully at work.. your colleague is out of line not apologising.

You need to apologise to her.

AlpacaMyBags · 06/08/2014 12:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShadowFall · 06/08/2014 12:13

Yes, you should apologise.

Incidentally, that kind of thing could be grounds for disciplinary action / dismissal, depending on how seriously a workplace takes bullying.

Mrsgrumble · 06/08/2014 12:14

:(

I would be so hurt over this. Even think I would leave my job. When bitching goes on at work I usually butt in with something redeeming about the person so as not I get involved.

I always remember the late Jade Goody and co on BB bitching and to the point of pure racism and I swore to myself I would never mock people in any context.

Now, I am no angel and think bad things at times but at work you have to be professional.

What's done cant be undone

QuintessentiallyQS · 06/08/2014 12:15

Do you have quite a big staff turnaround in your work place? Problems keeping staff?

If so, now management will know why, and keep a closer eye on you and your pal, now they know who the office bullies are.

Of course you must apologize, not that it will do much good, other than making YOU feel better and try save face with management.

ExcuseTypos · 06/08/2014 12:16

Don't know where to start really, other than to say I feel very sorry for the woman you were bitching about.

Try to grow up.

drudgetrudy · 06/08/2014 12:18

Okay- you have been both mean, and foolish for putting it in writing.
However at least you have the grace to feel bad about it and as its already done now all you can do is try to put it right.
It will be embarrassing for you but you do have to apologise and can't ignore this.

A lot of this sort of thing goes on at workplaces but it is usually verbal between people who are friends. It is not pleasant and I hope this will have taught you a lesson for the future.
Have you thought of giving her a small bunch of flowers or something and telling her that you know you have been stupid.

juliascurr · 06/08/2014 12:19

possible card and flowers
def apology

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