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Original poster

Feel Awful- How can I put this right... WWYD

117 replies

mrssnodge · 06/08/2014 11:59

Im ready for a blasting, but need to get something off my chest . A work related problem - we have an office communicator/messenger thing, and use this to ask questions quickly with other departments, colleagues etc, but his does sometimes get used for bitching/joking too!
Story is a new starter was logged on to the computer using my colleagues details as she had none of her own set up, and yes youve guessed it, she saw all the bitchy/nasty messages we sent about her! Mainly to do with her over confidence, loudness/know it all atitude after only 3 days, she told the manager and hes told me off.
My colleague isnt bothered in the sightest, said well its all true, not bothered about hurting the new girl feelings, but i feel so bad. I know I have only myself to blame , WWYD? apologise to her/ say nothing? My manager was actually ok with me, he knows it something I wouldnt normally do, I guess I just got carried away a bit- I have definatley learnt my lesson!

OP posts:
Happy36 · 06/08/2014 12:20

Apologise to her wholeheartedly.

Keep the bitching to verbal and outside of the workplace.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/08/2014 12:21

That should be the cue for the use of the internal messaging to be more clearly defined.

What you and the other staff did is utterly pathetic. How would you have felt had you been this new starter and seen those messages? She must have a core of strength to return and keep coming back. Perhaps she really needs the job, eh?

I don't think much of you for needing to post to ASK what you should do because it should be OBVIOUS.

Do it now; make it a very heartfelt and decent apology and tell her how sorry you are, that you wouldn't have liked it and you understand how she feels. Make a point of including her with colleagues whilst she learns the ropes and shut down any further bitching.

crazyspaniel · 06/08/2014 12:22

Hmm. If I was in this woman's shoes an apology would be pretty meaningless to me. She's seen what you think, and these are presumably your actual thoughts - what exactly are you going to be apologising for? Her seeing the emails?

If you worked for me, I'd be looking for ways to get rid of you. This sort of behaviour is makes workplaces toxic. Most people leave it behind when they move on from the school playground.

Viviennemary · 06/08/2014 12:23

I feel quite sorry for her because how can she work there now knowing all this has gone on. Not sure what I'd do if it was me who wrote the stuff. I'd feel horribly embarrassed. And sometimes people do get carried away so the best thing is to say of course you didn't mean all that how could you when you hardly knew her. Good idea about the flowers.

SanityClause · 06/08/2014 12:24

Yes, apologise.

FWIW, there was a thread recently where a MNer bitched to a friend about someone else's child, and sent the bitchy text to the mother of the child, instead of the friend. She apologised profusely, and took a bottle of wine, and the MNer gained a new friend.

Not that I think this is a reason for apologising - you should do it because it's the right thing to do. But you never know. Something good might come out of it.

drudgetrudy · 06/08/2014 12:24

PS when people start a new job they often appear either over-confident or very timid-it takes a while to settle in and learn the systems even if you are generally very competent.
A kind person would help with this-not bitch without even giving the new person a chance.

nevereverpost · 06/08/2014 12:26

This doesn't happen often but I am totally speechless. After 3 days (or possibly even less) you were bitching/making negative judgements about a new person....and your (long standing ) colleague doesn't see anything wrong with this?

You are both lucky still to have jobs: sounds like your manager is a bloody wuss iyam.

Actually wonders is this post is a function of the summer holidays being nearly two weeks in and year 7s are getting bored already

puntasticusername · 06/08/2014 12:27

And as well as apologising, maybe you should put a bit of effort into making your new colleague feel welcome. Did it ever occur to you that she might be acting loud, over-confident and know-it-all because actually she's as nervous as hell about starting her new job?

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 06/08/2014 12:27

I'm surprised the manager hasn't given you all warnings tbh. Clearly a very unprofessional working environment as well as being a bunch of nasty fuckers.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/08/2014 12:28

crazy... It sounds as if you'd have to hold some kind of jobfayre then, there were multiple people involved.

An apology is meaningless, I agree, but what else can be done? New starters can sometimes behave like new brooms, they're trying to make a good impression and that can backfire sometimes. A nice team would see it for what it is and give the new starter some time to settle. Not so here.

Horrible behaviour from a bunch of bitches. The use of the internal messaging should be strictly reserved for work purposes now with a disciplinary warning of gross misconduct for any future transgressions.

Lucyccfc · 06/08/2014 12:30

A similar thing happened where I work and the bitching was done via e-mail and text messages.

As the Manager, I had all the staff involved in a room and bollocked the lot of them. Those that instigated the messages all received a written warning for bullying.

You all need to apologise and the Manager needs to grow a pair of balls and discipline the lot of you.

Stratter5 · 06/08/2014 12:30

I don't believe anyone who says they haven't done similar at one time or another

Well I haven't, for starters, and I bet there's a hell of a lot of other posters who haven't. Don't normalise this behaviour, it is not normal at all, and the OP should be disgusted with herself.

NewtRipley · 06/08/2014 12:31

I haven't either

nevereverpost · 06/08/2014 12:32

Nor me, and I'm a bitch to end all bitches in the normal run of things!

Stratter5 · 06/08/2014 12:32

Oh, and fwiw, I'm pretty sure I couldn't carry on working with a group of people whom I knew felt like that about me. You've put her in an appalling position, even if you apologise profusely, it's not going to take away the knowledge that she know knows what you have been saying behind her back.

BoffinMum · 06/08/2014 12:33

Apologise and stop doing this. It's pretty toxic. If you wouldn't say it to their face, don't type it.

Sixweekstowait · 06/08/2014 12:33

Well - yes, you do have the grace to feel bad about it. But do something more meaningful, as well as apologise and give a small gift. Go back to the fuckwitmanager you have and say that a protocol should be drawn up about what the messaging should be used for and what it shouldn't. As for the new person, given the kindergarten she's joined, she probably IS far too good for you all and I hope she soon gets a better job with grown- ups

Original poster
mrssnodge · 06/08/2014 12:34

Shes actually on holiday this week, so I will apologise when she returns. I wont be giving her flowers, chocs etc, as I dont want the rest of the office to know(, yes that is cos Im ashamed of my behaviour).also the boss said she did not want me or the other party involved spoken to- just to make him aware of it, this was actually 4 weeks ago when it happened, and hes just spoken to me about it today, I did not realise at all she had been able able to view, but that's no excuse!
Not so much lesson learnt, knew it was the wrong thing to do at the time, laughing at someone elses expense,( but we all do it sometimes)- I know this is so unreasonable, will never do it again ever!!

OP posts:
KitbitAgain · 06/08/2014 12:36

Apologise. Grovel. "I'm really sorry and what I did was wrong. I hope you can forgive me."
Nothing less.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/08/2014 12:37

No, I've never done this and wouldn't - it's vile behaviour. People are so much more polite when they have to speak face-to-face than from a keyboard.

NickiFury... Don't try to garner support for a horrible action - or as Stratter5 says, 'try to normalise it'; there are many posters here who've been bullied - or their children bullied - and it needs to be stamped on HARD.

angelos02 · 06/08/2014 12:38

In my experience, people that are happy and comfortable in their own skin, don't bitch. People don't like being around people that bitch as they assume that as soon as they leave the room the bitching will then be about them. I feel sorry for you OP. And no, we don't always do it sometimes.

FergusSingsTheBlues · 06/08/2014 12:38

I have NO idea why you weren't all disciplined. You sound like a horrible lot to work with.

Stratter5 · 06/08/2014 12:38

No, we don't all do that.

I think you've got off fucking lightly. You still don't seem to realise what an impact your actions could have had. I wouldn't have been able to carry on working with any of you, and I'd have made sure a shit storm of epic proportions happened.

How would you feel, if this had happened to you? Treat people how you would want to be treated in future, and if you can't say something nice about someone, SHUT THE FUCK UP

NickiFury · 06/08/2014 12:39

You've never had a little bitch to a work colleague about another work colleague, never, ever, ever? Really.

OP had a bitch and put it in writing but putting aside the misuse of the internal messaging system it's no different from moaning to your work colleague about someone you work with except having put it in writing, on this occasion the recipient saw it and it must have been horribly hurtful.

Please do not misunderstand my post, I don't seek to justify this in anyway. But we all moan, it's human nature.

NickiFury · 06/08/2014 12:40

Please don't tell me I am trying to "garner support" lying you have clearly misread my post or are seeing what you want to in order to say that.