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Original poster

Feel Awful- How can I put this right... WWYD

117 replies

mrssnodge · 06/08/2014 11:59

Im ready for a blasting, but need to get something off my chest . A work related problem - we have an office communicator/messenger thing, and use this to ask questions quickly with other departments, colleagues etc, but his does sometimes get used for bitching/joking too!
Story is a new starter was logged on to the computer using my colleagues details as she had none of her own set up, and yes youve guessed it, she saw all the bitchy/nasty messages we sent about her! Mainly to do with her over confidence, loudness/know it all atitude after only 3 days, she told the manager and hes told me off.
My colleague isnt bothered in the sightest, said well its all true, not bothered about hurting the new girl feelings, but i feel so bad. I know I have only myself to blame , WWYD? apologise to her/ say nothing? My manager was actually ok with me, he knows it something I wouldnt normally do, I guess I just got carried away a bit- I have definatley learnt my lesson!

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyQS · 06/08/2014 13:30

Yes, good wording from LyingWitch.

Lets not fool ourselves about the OPs "self insight" and realization here...
Op only feels awful because she got caught, and seems to have no empathy for the position she has put her new colleague in. There is no sign of remorse for the bitching she did weeks ago when the new recruit joined the team. It is NOW she feels awful, scared no doubt about how this reflect on HERSELF.

Picklepest · 06/08/2014 13:37

Just so you are water tight clear, this is gross misconduct. Flouts normal IT policies, codes of conduct and bullying policies. I've sacked people for this. Immediate dismissal. I've also disciplined. It's the managers decision that makes one not the other not legality. Both are acceptable.

Be clear, your card is marked. If it doesn't mark bonus or performance or promotion prospects I would be amazed. Apology is polite. But it might not close the matter.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/08/2014 13:43

Picklepest... The manager knows and has done nothing. Perhaps they are waiting to see if the new starter complains about it but if not, then quite possibly nothing will happen. The manager themselves would be in a difficult position having known and not acted so will possibly be keen to let this blow over.

I think most people are aware of company policies but you can't say that someone's 'card is marked' or that bonus/performance/promotion prospects will be in any way affected because you don't know that to be the case and there seems to be sufficient 'wiggle room' at this company otherwise this would have been dealt with by now. Our own experiences are sometimes not indicative at all.

Picklepest · 06/08/2014 13:51

In both instances then the eventual outcome to me remains the same; resignation. Either you will need a new job because it's always best to leave than be sacked or if this is a firm that will put up with this behaviour it really isn't somewhere your career will benefit from.

Original poster
mrssnodge · 06/08/2014 14:00

Ah come one Pickle- what I done was nasty/unprofessional and bitchy as hell, but im not resigning fom a job I have been doing for 17 yrs because I have made one mistake!!!!
I have sent an apologetic email, will apologise to her face to face when she returns, then got wrong again from my boss, for sending a apology as she apparently did not want to the boss to speak to me, just to highlight it to him? So now hes angry at me for apologising????
Im feeling really shit, and of course i know she was at the time too so I deserve it- - and not just cos I was caught out, cos I behaved baly and hurt someone else!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/08/2014 14:02

That's kind of irrelevant, PicklePest. Manager dictates what will happen in this case. Presumably the only action will be finding a large brush and giving the carpet an unnecessary underlay of 'stuff'.

That IT policy needs to change and if there is one that would encompass this, it needs to be applied.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/08/2014 14:12

He's possibly angry at you, mrssnodge because your apology by e-mail is yet another example of 'documentation' that could be used if needed. He's complicit in this because he hasn't addressed it with you or anybody else formally. He should have done that and he knows it. He sounds completely ineffective and untrustworthy... a 'flip-flopper' who will cover his own backside.

Leave it there now and go along with your face to face apology, it will carry more weight and take more courage than your e-mailed one ever will.

If you really want to make amends then speak to your 'buddies' as well and ask them to lay off and make the new starter feel welcome.

mynewpassion · 06/08/2014 15:10

your boss mishandled this situation grossly.

New girl wanted to bring it to his attention but didn't want to make a big fuss yet. He could've just reminded the staff via email or in a staff meeting about appropriate uses of the inter-message system, including name-calling or bullying of staff. This would have shamed you and other staff for misusing office computers.

Depending on what new girl wants, it could die quietly or she could go to HR because of you and your boss's incompetence.

Don't be so naive that this little mistake could cost you your job. People have been fired for this very little thing depending on the company's policies and how strict they want to be.

Vivacia · 06/08/2014 15:21

Bizarre carry on at work in terms of it being ok to use the Messenger like this and a line manager "getting angry" etc.

I can't help but wonder how your colleague was feeling for the rest of that day, how she had to put a brave face on and how she must have felt that night at home. I think you did right to apologise.

QuintessentiallyQS · 06/08/2014 15:25

You said also the boss said she did not want me or the other party involved spoken to- just to make him aware of it further down.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 06/08/2014 15:28

I was about to post that mnp
She clearly didn't want to bring it out into the open and because of her manager, she now knows that OP knows and that OP knows she knows which makes it far worse a situation. Why on earth didn't the manager respect her wishes and just haul OP over the coals for what they found on a 'spot check'

poor woman will have no one to trust now.

Thelittlepapermouse · 06/08/2014 15:32

You should really be punished for this. You and your colleague are the reason people never reporting things like this and end up miserable in job they are meant to enjoy doing and, eventually, bullied out of it (which WILL happen to this poor woman going on your colleagues purely nasty attitude to getting caught out - if it doesn't bother her she isn't going to stop her bullying behaviour).

I honestly cannot believe your boss isn't taking this more seriously. It takes the piss Hmm

IceBeing · 06/08/2014 16:04

Wow I am so totally surprised not how many people who are so vehemently anti-bullying are willing to pile on a thread and tell someone they are vile, a nasty fucker, should lose their job, be punished, is a dick, is a bitch, is mean foolish and disgusting.

Take a look at yourselves people....

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/08/2014 16:13

If you see any of that name-calling against a poster, IceBeing, do report it, MNHQ will get rid of those posts.

... or do you mean the ones where posters have called the behaviour vile, bitchy, foolish or disgusting? That's completely different but let MNHQ be the arbiters...

Mabelface · 06/08/2014 16:19

I said that she had been a dick, as in it was a dickish thing to do, and I stand by that, because it was.

Original poster
mrssnodge · 06/08/2014 16:20

Wow I am so totally surprised not how many people who are so vehemently anti-bullying are willing to pile on a thread and tell someone they are vile, a nasty fucker, should lose their job, be punished, is a dick, is a bitch, is mean foolish and disgusting.

....

Thanks Ice-

I knew I would be blasted & wanted to get it off my chest which why I posted, but some of these are personal comments and are much worse than what I ever I said in the first place!

OP posts:
s88 · 06/08/2014 16:28

Your a bitch and you were bitching. apologise but she will know it's only because you've been caught out, not because you actually mean it .

how long ago did you leave high school ?

Silvercatowner · 06/08/2014 16:30

If I were your manager or your colleague I would be starting disciplinary/grievance procedures. If I were your manager I'd be very concerned about your colleague claiming constructive dismissal and costing the company shedloads.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/08/2014 16:30

mrssnodge... you've had a lot of constructive comments on this thread too. Many posters can identify with the bullying that you and your cohort were responsible for and it can be hard to temper views accordingly. Easily done, isn't it?

But, if you think that people have made personal remarks to you then report them. MNHQ are not like your boss, they'll act.

Silvercatowner · 06/08/2014 16:31

And no, comments on here are not worse. They are open, honest and to your face. Yours weren't, until you were caught ut.

JoinedJustForThis · 06/08/2014 16:34

or do you mean the ones where posters have called the behaviour vile, bitchy, foolish or disgusting? That's completely different but let MNHQ be the arbiters

Weasel Words!! There are some nasty fuckers on this thread....

JoinedJustForThis · 06/08/2014 16:39

Be clear, your card is marked. If it doesn't mark bonus or performance or promotion prospects I would be amazed. Apology is polite. But it might not close the matter.

That's crap. It will only affect bonus, performance or promotion if it was an official HR warning - written or verbal.

As it's none of those any manager trying to discriminate, or even saying "your card is marked" would be very foolish indeed.

May work like that in your dictatorship, most companies have procedures that have to be followed....

HappySeaTurtles · 06/08/2014 16:39

Apologize. There's not much else you can do. You can't take back what was said.

Work computers are not private property and the company has every right to look at your emails and chats. Now you know not to say anything on a company computer that you wouldn't want everyone to read.

That said, 3 days really is a bit too soon to decide you hate someone to the point of messaging like that. I don't think you even gave her a chance.

It's hard enough starting somewhere new. I'm sure she dreads going to work knowing everyone hates her already...

NickiFury · 06/08/2014 16:40

Confused They're not TO her face, they're from behind a computer screen.

Mabelface · 06/08/2014 16:41

Well, no one was going to pat her head and say "there, there" were they? She was vile behind someone's back, got caught out and is now facing the consequences. She'll know that if you post something, you're going to get many, many views and opinions. She's an adult - she knew exactly what she was doing and if she hadn't have been caught out, would probably still be doing it.