Feel Awful- How can I put this right... WWYD

[mrssnodge]

Im ready for a blasting, but need to get something off my chest . A work related problem - we have an office communicator/messenger thing, and use this to ask questions quickly with other departments, colleagues etc, but his does sometimes get used for bitching/joking too!
Story is a new starter was logged on to the computer using my colleagues details as she had none of her own set up, and yes youve guessed it, she saw all the bitchy/nasty messages we sent about her! Mainly to do with her over confidence, loudness/know it all atitude after only 3 days, she told the manager and hes told me off.
My colleague isnt bothered in the sightest, said well its all true, not bothered about hurting the new girl feelings, but i feel so bad. I know I have only myself to blame , WWYD? apologise to her/ say nothing? My manager was actually ok with me, he knows it something I wouldnt normally do, I guess I just got carried away a bit- I have definatley learnt my lesson!

God that poor woman

You need to think about why you did this. What offended you so much about a confident woman? I would put money on it that you wouldn't have bitched about a confident young man.

I'm not having a go but you really will do yourself, and the rest of our sex, a favour if you closely examine your attitude.

I have recently been the victim of similar, not finding messages but being told I was an overconfident know it all. The person telling me also said I could be coming across like that because of nerves! I was actually really really nervous and to make that judgement even knowing that was beyond harsh!

Please know that this woman was probably really nervous! Probably trying really hard to hide it and prove herself and maybe picked up on the negativity from all of you!

Grovel, an apology is not enough!

OP had a bitch and put it in writing but putting aside the misuse of the internal messaging system it's no different from moaning to your work colleague about someone you work with except having put it in writing, on this occasion the recipient saw it and it must have been horribly hurtful

Actually I think the time frame (three days or less) is quite significant and makes a difference (though not good at any time of course!) Definitely not enough time to have made a sensible judgement and not long enough that they can justify it with the 'needing to vent' clause.

Actually, I think whilst she is on holiday you should at the very least email her directly and say how sorry you are, and CC in your boss.

This is not acceptable office behaviour. Poor woman is probably DREADING coming back to work and you should be ashamed.

No, NickyFury, I haven't. I'd don't bitch and gossip about people; I've had it done to me, and I know just how horrific it made me feel. I don't interact with people like that, on the basis that if they're bitching/gossiping about someone behind their back, what are they saying about me behind my back.

Lesson learnt totally -thanks for your input, apology wil be done when she returns, FWIW, & am not defending myself just explaining - I didnt start it,, was responding to the messages sent, but I know Im still just as guilty!! Im not a bad person, just bad judgement on that day, I wil never do this again!!!!!!!!

I don't bitch about anyone to anyone else - I may think the stuff in my head - but no, it never gets said out loud, just not ever. And I am paranoid enough to NEVER write anything down about anyone else ...

These things have a habit of biting you on the bum. I have seen careers ruined through bitchy bullying.

OP the most important thing to get across is that you accept all the blame and feel terrible to have put the other woman in the position of having to complain.

My main fear if this had been done to me would be that reporting the offence would lead to an escalation in bullying. So if I had done this I would want to make it very clear that I considered all the fault to lie at my own door and that I would be making a special effort to be professional in all my future dealings.

you're very lucky you weren't sacked for misuse of company systems.

i once stumbled into a conversation my boss was having about me with other team members. she wasn't being complimentary. it was hideous and humiliating. put yourself in the shoes of this new colleague - there you are, doing your best to get up to speed with processes and procedures, and everyone is having a good old bitch about you being overconfident and pushy.

a horrible thing to do and a face to face apology to your colleague is the only place to start making amends for this.

Stratter only YOU can know whether or not you've ever moaned about another person TO another person in any area of your life so I wouldn't presume to disbelieve you. I would never do what the OP has done but I would have a moan by the water cooler or whatever and I think most people would.

As I said in my first post OP needs to apologise and let the woman know that she knows how awful it must have been for her, personally if someone tried to get me flowers or chocolates etc I would feel very patronised and probably refuse them, just a very straight and genuine apology and no more bitching on the message system.

I'm VERY surprised you weren't given an official warning. Most workplaces take things like this really seriously and would give you a verbal warning at the very least, and it'd be on your permanent record.

Most workplaces would consider this to be bullying and would give you very short thrift, especially as you decided to slag someone off on company time and on company equipment.

Disgusting.

NickiFury... Fair enough on that; 'garner support' is not the right phrase perhaps. But, having been on the blunt end of bullies myself, to me it's a very thin line in which 'normalising' (much better description) isn't very far removed from 'garnering support'. I despise bullies so much,, it's so personal to me. I fully accept that you didn't mean it in that context though so apologies .

As for 'having a bitch'; absolutely. I'm human and its' a venting thing BUT no way would it ever be put in writing (my organisation wouldn't stand for it) because it can be easily forwarded on, and context is lost. It's a horrible thing to do and so much more permanent and damaging.

To have a bitch about somebody is one thing, it's fleeting - OP's description is more of a 'coven' type thing and not one of them seems to have considered that new starters can be overkeen to hide insecurity and worry.

Just think for a minute if this were one of your DCs, how angry would you feel on a scale of 1 to 10 if they came home during their first week from a new place of work and told you what s/he had found out by accident?

Apologise asap in person. Say to her when she gets back you were way out of line, regret you took part and wish you'd spent the time more usefully getting to know her. Then make sure your other colleague sees you taking time and trouble to be more welcoming.

Well you should apologise to her. It's really mean and I'm surprised you didn't get into trouble. I know someone who got a written warning for a similar incident and it stayed on file for about two years, she missed out on promotion because of it.

The bigger issue you have is regardless of an apology, this woman now knows that you dislike her. It's going to be really awkward for you and the others involved from now on, because she knows the truth and she's got the moral high ground. Let's hope she doesn't end up better at the job than you, hey?

I agree lying it does seem rather "sustained" and I did wonder how much further it might have gone if OP hadn't have been caught at it. Hopefully the woman in question is as confident as they all seem to resent her for being and would have given them short shrift!

Chances are OP. Someone is bitching about you too via these messages. How horrible to work in such a two faced, bitchy environment.

I'm not sure I get your point, Nicki; bitching round the water cooker is every bit as wrong, you simply have less chance of being caught. Why people feel the need to be gratuitously nasty to others is beyond me, let alone try and justify their actions with 'oh, everyone does it'. They don't. Neither should anyone else.

Who authorised her to use someone else's login? In our company it's a disciplinary offence to use someone else's mail/messenger etc & passwords are definitely not shared.

If she needed access to the messenger app then the boss should have arranged it.

Very Slack.

I'm not "gratuitously nasty" to anyone in any area of my life, it's not the same thing at all but I admit to moaning at work sometimes along with every single other person there. I can't off hand think of a single person I have worked with who hasn't rolled their eyes and moaned at times.

OP... There maybe a 'window' for you to make the recipient of your bullying feel a little better...

All of the things you and the rest of your group have criticised, are normal behaviours for somebody who is trying overly hard to make a good impression.

You could say something like... "It reminds me of when I was a new starter and I drove everybody mad with my, "Let's do this, let's do that" when I didn't know how things worked really. It was over-keenness and it made people feel weird when I did it but I didn't realise it at the time and when I got more familiar with the role and calmed down, everybody was really helpful."

and

"I'm so, so sorry. It was a horrible thing to do and I DON'T KNOW WHY WE DID IT REALLY? Maybe some of us felt uncomfortable that WE don't always take our work as seriously as we should and you WERE SHOWING US UP for that being as keen as you were".

and

"I'll be doing this shortly and I could really use some help, I'm up to my eyes. Would you be willing to take on some of the work?"

It's not about whether you believe any of that but about what would make it ok and perhaps a bit more workable/comfortable for the bitch-ee. It's not as if jobs are growing on trees at the moment, they might well HAVE to work and stick out the job for now. Whatever the circumstances, you could make it a bit easier for them to do that.

I had something similar happen at work. I gave my notice in because I knew I couldn't bear to work among such unprofessional people. Don't be surprised if this woman leaves very soon as she now knows that no real action will be taken against bullying and that her colleagues are nasty.

Your manager is completely wrong not to have taken official action.

What an awful thing to do, although I think you realise that now that you have been caught

I have NEVER bitched about a colleague to another colleague before. I have to DH though, purely because I was so frustrated and angry with that colleague's treatment of me. I felt the need to get it off my chest IYSWIM. It was more of a 'Oh god, DH -colleagues name- is just so hard to work with...............blah, blah, blah'
I'm not proud of it, I only bitched a couple of times to DH about this particular colleague, and I have never done it before or since. I work with much nicer and lovely people now.

You really should apologise but to be honest I think you would only be apologising as you got caught, not for what you did or said, so I doubt it would be a true apology.

We all moan, we are only human afterall, but what you and your other colleague did went far beyond moaning and to actual bitching, nastiness and bullying.

Good on the new starter for having the guts to go the management about it.

Okay - I think even just reading the title it is obvious that the OP gets that what she did was wrong. Is it making people feel superior to keep shoving the boot in?

SHE KNOWS IT WAS WRONG - SHE IS ASKING HOW TO MAKE THINGS BETTER!

I really like the wording of the apology from LyingWitchIntheWardrobe.

If I was on the receiving end, I would consider most apologies to be insincere - because a "sorry, we shouldn't have done that" on its own, however well-delivered, would not change the fact that i)that's still what you and your colleagues think of me and ii)you're only apologising because you got caught. A bit of humility, an ego-boost and a way to move forward by offering to work together (as suggested above) might be your best bet.