Feel Awful- How can I put this right... WWYD

[mrssnodge]

Im ready for a blasting, but need to get something off my chest . A work related problem - we have an office communicator/messenger thing, and use this to ask questions quickly with other departments, colleagues etc, but his does sometimes get used for bitching/joking too!
Story is a new starter was logged on to the computer using my colleagues details as she had none of her own set up, and yes youve guessed it, she saw all the bitchy/nasty messages we sent about her! Mainly to do with her over confidence, loudness/know it all atitude after only 3 days, she told the manager and hes told me off.
My colleague isnt bothered in the sightest, said well its all true, not bothered about hurting the new girl feelings, but i feel so bad. I know I have only myself to blame , WWYD? apologise to her/ say nothing? My manager was actually ok with me, he knows it something I wouldnt normally do, I guess I just got carried away a bit- I have definatley learnt my lesson!

Don't get your point, Nicki. Communication is a 2 way thing. She's sitting IN FRONT of the commuter screen. So they are TO her face.

Some people do get caught up in workplace politics. I've seen perfectly nice people become bitchy and gossipy after working in places because they take on whatever "normal" behaviour is seen in the workplace. Some people are too scared to be different, some people are too scared to go against the "leaders" - in essence, working environments can often be an 'adult' version of school with the same principles. I've worked with lots of women who engage in the 'us and them' politics and depending on the job you do and the confidence you have, it's often quite difficult to stay completely out of it.

That said, bitching about a new girl on IM is pretty shitty, but you know that. There are some people out there who are absolute pricks and use any opportunity to belittle people. Some get swept away and feel uncomfortable with it but do so anyway.

Workplace bitching is horrible - it is one of the reasons that the prospect of working for me is so difficult because I worry about these situations - I'm not strong enough to deal with the thought of criticism, bullying or teasing. I get very anxious with confrontation and politics and knowing what to say at work, and this kind of situation of bitching about the new girl reinforces why I find it so hard.

I think you know you did the wrong thing but I admire the fact that you want to put it right. Many people wouldn't do it.

It's not to her face at all! People are far braver on here than they would be in RL.

*Sigh

Joined... then have the courage of your words and report those posts. Not difficult, is it?

Is this not RL then? Goodness.....

I can't blame the newbie for not wanting the manager to actually tell you and this other person off about the messaging - if you were both like your colleague, it would just fuel the fire and create more problems.
Luckily you are feeling guilty and bad (as you should) and want to apologise and make things right with her again - but she couldn't have foreseen that you would have this reaction, she would just assume that her life would get worse if you and your friend knew she'd complained about you.

Hopefully she will be able to accept your apology with good grace but you had better be prepared for her not to.

I have sent an apologetic email, will apologise to her face to face when she returns, then got wrong again from my boss, for sending a apology as she apparently did not want to the boss to speak to me, just to highlight it to him? So now hes angry at me for apologising????

He's trying to cover his ass at the moment. Now it's clear he's involved and done nothing, and possibly made it worse for your poor colleague, who obviously isn't as terrible as you think if she didn't want to cause you trouble. If she didn't want anyone spoken to, he should have either told her that wasn't possible or kept his word, but he went behind her back as well.

I'd be filing an HR complaint if I were her. Your whole office has a problem with gossip. If he had a problem with it, he should have spoken then, not 4 weeks later. He's just digging up old shit and contributing.

I had a boss that tried sweeping bullying under the rug. I got upset, filed an HR complaint and he involved the entire team in real time about what was going on. The branch got shut down shortly later.

Stuff like this kills business. Don't do it.

I wouldn't be surprised if she quit at this point.

Definitely apologise.

I worked in a team with a colleague who did not pull her weight. She went to lunch whenever it suited her instead of consulting with us, she avoided particular tasks, she was know it all and paid no attention to detail. I admit to having a moan but suggested speaking to her about it. She denied everything and got the hump.

It is so easy to be pulled into gossip so I pretend to be engaged in work when a colleague wants to offload.

I cannot abide by or trust women who bitch about each other then go to lunch and meet up at the weekend. If I am not keen on someone I do not share this with colleagues and I certainly do not spend any unecessary time with them.

I cannot abide by or trust women who bitch about each other then go to lunch and meet up at the weekend.

Just women?

I've complained about other colleagues. I've worked with someone Mother Theresa would complain about to be honest.

OP I would ask to have a word with her and apologise face to face and just take it on the chin, it must be really horrible to be new somewhere and read that type of thing, which you know by the sounds of things.

I would back right off from your colleague who is saying she dosent care, that's very harsh.

This is someone in post for 3 days. Not someone they've worked with and got to know. Whoever initiated the bitching is one to steer clear of, OP. She probably bitches about you too

^ That was to Openup and HaroldLLoyd

NickiFury Yes, everyone has probably vented or bitched about their colleagues. I complained about mine off the work clock though, and never in the office. Not that it makes it better, but sometimes it's better to just vent and get it off your chest instead of taking it to work with you and letting it get in the way of team projects that need to get done.

But that said, the same people I bitched with ended up bitching about me later. So, it's true what they say if they're bitching to you, they're probably bitching about you.

Now I just vent to DH. But honestly, by the time I'm complaining about my coworkers more than my projects or ridiculous deadlines is about the time to find a new job anyway. If the part of work that takes up the most head space is how much you coworkers piss you off and not the projects you're working on, it's time to move on to a better work environment where you can do your job properly.

Someone can make a really bad first impression though, and it would get spoken about for sure.

We've had a few in offices over the years, I'm sure I have commented on it as well.

The thing is I bet people have said negative things about me in work, of course they have. Just never on an email chain that I have seen!

I knew I would be blasted & wanted to get it off my chest which why I posted, but some of these are personal comments and are much worse than what I ever I said in the first place!

You might have got it off your chest now and be feeling better about yourself, but what about the poor new employee you have made to feel very unwelcome in her new job. Glad you're feeling better about yourself (hmm).