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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want MIL to come & stay for 10 days?!

120 replies

TurquoiseDress · 04/08/2014 22:32

OK, in a nutshell- DH is working away for a week at the end of the month and then going for a 3 day stag do abroad (worthy of another thread in it's own right!).

Last weekend he informed me that he's arranged for his mother to come over to help out with looking after our LO who is nearly 8 months old.

Then tonight he announces that she's going to be staying here in our home- tiny 1 bed flat, no room to swing a cat!

I am not happy but slightly feeling like an ungrateful bitch...I know we're v lucky that LO has grandparents who want to be involved and help out.

LO is in a local crèche, getting on well and happy. While DH is away I'll be picking up/dropping off as I always do (my workplace is closer) so it's not like we're desperate for childcare.

I'm more annoyed that DH did not think to discuss it with me first!

The flights are already booked and I'm bloody sure he's told her that she can stay as long as she likes...without even thinking to ask what I thought first.

I do get on well with MIL although she doesn't speak English and I get by in her language (Italian)...but I don't want her moving in for 10 days!!

Actually I was quite looking forward to some evenings slobbing out & watching what I want on TV and catching up on DVDs!
Am I just being selfish? And unreasonable?

Also feeling very Angry that DH didn't give me the respect of discussing it with me first, as if I I'm just the bloody lodger that's been told somebody is coming to stay.

So am I being unreasonable?!

OP posts:
Mintyy · 04/08/2014 22:33

Quite right to be angry that your dh did not ask you first.

Yanbu.

RedSoloCup · 04/08/2014 22:35

Oh no, yanbu!!! I would be spitting feathers esp with lack of space thing!!

LoveBeingInTheSun · 04/08/2014 22:38

Well if she's there to look after dd can't you fuck off for a few days?

dottytablecloth · 04/08/2014 22:40

I'd be raging!

Why does your dh think you can't look after your own child without his mother being there? Confused

KnittedJimmyChoos · 04/08/2014 22:42

sprry for any racial sterotyping here but if she is italian i bet she can cook and cook well!

put your feet up and slob out as planned with chef in residence..i am sure she would love to cook for you and baby ..

Original poster
TurquoiseDress · 04/08/2014 22:43

It's tough because she lives abroad so doesn't see grandchild that often.

Also her husband is no longer alive.

We're always very welcomed & well looked after when we go abroad to visit. DH says I'm not being very welcoming...but he really doesn't seem to get where I'm coming from at all!

It's not because I dislike MIL or want to keep her at arm's length...I just don't want us sharing our home for 10 days!

We've only got one double bed...not broached the subject of who will have to sleep on the floor/sofa bed!

I think it's a bit of guilt from DH about working away then going off on stag do, but quite frankly he worked long hours when I was on maternity leave and I coped alright.

OP posts:
Original poster
TurquoiseDress · 04/08/2014 22:45

Lovebeinginthesun
Yes I considered making a run for it too but can't get the time off, only recently went back to work.

But to be fair I don't want to leave our baby!

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/08/2014 22:45

Sorry, but I'd be telling him to uninvite her. In words of one syllable and v e r y s l o w l y so there's no room for any misunderstanding.

How dare he make such arrangements without discussing it with you first? Who the fuck does he think he is?

You live in a tiny one bedroomed flat. You'll be working. What does he think you'd want her there for while he swans off and leaves you to it?

zipzap · 04/08/2014 22:47

I would be absolutely furious that he had done this.

And I wouldn't care that the flights were booked - I'd tell him that was his look out, he organised it, he can change it so that his mother comes over to visit when he is there.

I suspect he is currently congratulating himself on getting mega brownie points from his mum for being able to come over to visit and he won't have to be around to suffer it...

Maybe a bit late now but tell him that you have already organised for your mum to come and help you so you don't want his mum as there isn't space for her.

I would not even entertain thoughts of being ungrateful - he is the one that is obviously ungrateful as he hasn't bothered to check with you and he obviously thinks that you can't cope without him being there so that you need his mum to come Hmm

Feeling hugely angry on your behalf!

Sounds like you are going to be at work during the week - which means that your mil will be in your flat pootling around while you are out at work. for a long time. Which I would hate - you wouldn't know what she was doing or poking around into or throwing out/tidying/reorganising/etc thinking she was helping... giving me shudders down my spine.

How long did he take to tell you exactly after she booked the tickets that she was coming - it sounds like he waited and broke the news into 2 bits as he could tell you weren't happy from the news that she was coming.

I would also be saying that if she is coming then he needs to be at home to entertain her and not go away on his stag do. I know he won't want to do that - but I think you at least need to tell him that to try to get across to him how angry and upset you are that he has basically screwed you into having his mother there while he is away.

DoJo · 04/08/2014 22:48

YANBU - there is no reason why he couldn't have discussed this with you before arranging it! It's not unwelcoming to want to have some say in how you spend your time while he's away and for him to decide that you will be entertaining his mother is rude and presumptuous.

Mouthfulofquiz · 04/08/2014 22:48

Can he pay for you all to go to a cottage with three rooms for 10 days? That is the only reasonable solution I can think of!!

JoeyMaynardsghost · 04/08/2014 22:50

Where will she sleep? I can understand your problem. Time for you, once baby in bed.

BUT to be fair, if I had the chance of 10 days with my MIL again, I would jump at the chance. I really do miss her, she was a lovely, lovely lady.

Goldmandra · 04/08/2014 23:07

Has he forgotten that you are an adult who can work out for herself if she needs help and make arrangements if necessary?

I would feel very patronised.

I would tell him to rearrange the visit to a time when he can be around too and not take no for an answer but that may be because my MIL would have sat on her arse for the whole visit expecting to be waited on hand and foot and ceaselessly complaining about the food, the drink, the noise the children made, my behaviour management, the lack of ornaments, the bed she slept in, the temperature of the house, the time I was going to bed, the colour of the curtains, ad infinitum.

My DH would have known better than to pull a stunt like that.

Original poster
TurquoiseDress · 04/08/2014 23:08

It's tough, I do like my MIL and I know she'll be helpful with the baby...but we have hardly any space as it is!

Even if the baby cries in the night, there's no chance of not hearing him so it wouldn't be as if I'd be getting a week of blissful, unbroken sleep.

She is lovely and well meaning, but I like doing things my way with DS in our home...when we've been over at hers I've relented and just let her get on with it eg how bath is done, when he's fed.

Looking back I was pretty fucking easy going about it all! Maybe this is where I've gone wrong.
I'm just fucked off with DH...he said it like "she would prefer to stay at ours".

I think it's more a case of she wants to come to visit and this looked like perfect timing (to my DH).
My DH will be there for a day at the start and the end so he will actually see his mum, but it's still a bloody long time!

OP posts:
RaspberryRuffle · 04/08/2014 23:09

No way! I'd be telling him to vaffanculo! He can have his mum to stay nearby when he is available to entertain her and not palming her off on you.
He has been hugely disrespectful, any overnight visitors are discussed before plans are made, especially in a 1 bedroom place and more especially when my MIL comes I tell DH he has to be here, no last minute business trips or dinners, I am not here to entertain his mother (she is a complete PITA though so he wouldn't invite her anyway!).
He needs to tell his mother he made a mistake and would prefer her to visit when he is here to see her.

zipzap · 04/08/2014 23:10

Oh and if he is still expecting his mum to come over while he is away - I'd very definitely be pointing out that you are sleeping in your bed (I'm guessing you have your LO in your room with you) and that you need to do that in order to look after LO if/when they wake in the night and because if you are working you need to be in a reasonable state to go to work in the morning, not hit with a double whammy of tiredness from sleeping on the floor and waking up in the middle of the night to look after LO. I'm hoping that he is not even going to consider thinking about suggesting that his mum sleep in your bed and look after your LO in the night to give you some bad sleep on the floor instead.

I reckon she has been asking/bugging/demanding/wistfully mentioning coming over to spend time with her new gc and saying how much she'd like to cuddle the baby whilst you do everything else help with it and how much more she would be able to help if you lived near by - giving your dh lots of pa grief which he has long been conditioned into sorting out... I bet he jumped at this so quickly - I'm just impressed that he has told you already and not left it until even later!

Still think you need to tell him to change the tickets to when he is here to entertain his mum and to cancel his stag do so he is here to entertain his mum - much more likely to get him to get him to get his act sorted.

musicalendorphins2 · 04/08/2014 23:10

He had no right to impose her upon you without discussing it. I would tell him to un-invite her immediately, and to re-invite her for an agreed upon by you and he together time. He can may up a lie saying you already planned to go away/have your old friend visit while he was away.

Original poster
TurquoiseDress · 04/08/2014 23:12

If we had a spare room, that would be better but on balance, I'd still be massively fucked off!

It feels like he's undermined our relationship and also our family 'unit' as in, he's gone and made plans with his mother without maybe thinking that I'd have some opinions on the matter too.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 04/08/2014 23:15

Are you going to tell him to uninvite her and remake the plans for when he will be home? He can just tell her that you had already made plans which he didn't know about because he stupidly planned her visit without consulting you.

zipzap · 04/08/2014 23:19

Just crossed posts with your last post.

I don't think it matters that he will see her on the first and last day she is there (that you know about... assuming she sticks to the dates you have been given and doesn't decide to stay longer).

You are the one that is being messed around and patronised by this - he needs to man up and tell her that she needs to come when he is there. And as for preferring to stay at your house - well tough. You actively do not want her staying there while he is away. She could come around for an hour or two when you get back from work and have picked up your LO - enough to have a meal, see LO, maybe help bath and get LO to bed but then it's time for you to be settling down and getting yourself sorted ready to go to work again the next morning, you can't be entertaining every night, particularly in a foreign language, you'll be exhausted.

Unfortunately I think you need to go on the attack this time, say that now you have had a chance to think everything through since you were taken by serious surprise when he dumped this massive news on you - but that you have thought it every which way through but you can't see it working. And if he tries to get angry or upset and say that you don't love him or his mum or whatever then remember he's just saying that as a way to get his way, it's not actually the truth. Which is that if he hadn't screwed up and organised this in the first place then he wouldn't have to un-organise it now! It's got nothing to do with how much you love him or his mum, it's a huge imposition and statement of lack of trust on his part and he is the one that needs to do something about it.

Good luck!

Original poster
TurquoiseDress · 04/08/2014 23:22

Well the thing is that I originally thought she'd be staying in a local hotel, as she has done so before when visiting us and the baby.

So I was under the impression that she'd be doing the same thing. I think he knew I'd be pissed off so he broke the news in 2 parts!

I have no problem with her coming over to visit, but to stay in the flat, it's going to be really cramped.
Plus in the recent heat I prefer to wander around in my pants Grin

OP posts:
angelohsodelight · 04/08/2014 23:27

I would be beyond livid and make dh change the plans. Selfish twat.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/08/2014 23:27

He can get her to rearrange her flights at his expense and trouble, or cancel his stag.
Has he mentioned that he's agreed to pull your child out of nursery while she's here yet so she can take care of him/her? ......

Original poster
TurquoiseDress · 04/08/2014 23:29

zipzap
Thanks for that...yes I think an attack of some sort is needed!

I'd be happy if she came over late afternoon after picking up LO from the crèche, then had some dinner (maybe not every night).

I mean, after a night or so what the hell else are we going to talk about?! If I fancy an early night what if she wants to stay up later?
It's like having an awkward room mate in your first year at university!

Honestly cannot believe DH is doing this- totally thought he was taking the piss when he told me!
Then I realised he was for real, then got really worried.

What if this sets a precedent, with MIL making it a regular thing?!

OP posts:
Original poster
TurquoiseDress · 04/08/2014 23:32

tread
Childcare is the other issue...we obviously have to pay whether LO is there or not. I don't want his routine changed, he can leave the crèche a bit earlier to be with her.

FFS he was trying to justify it by saying she was coming to look after LO...I'm like, we don't need someone coming over, that's not the real reason (we already pay a shitload of money for that already!)

OP posts: