...to not want MIL to come & stay for 10 days?!

[TurquoiseDress]

OK, in a nutshell- DH is working away for a week at the end of the month and then going for a 3 day stag do abroad (worthy of another thread in it's own right!).

Last weekend he informed me that he's arranged for his mother to come over to help out with looking after our LO who is nearly 8 months old.

Then tonight he announces that she's going to be staying here in our home- tiny 1 bed flat, no room to swing a cat!

I am not happy but slightly feeling like an ungrateful bitch...I know we're v lucky that LO has grandparents who want to be involved and help out.

LO is in a local crèche, getting on well and happy. While DH is away I'll be picking up/dropping off as I always do (my workplace is closer) so it's not like we're desperate for childcare.

I'm more annoyed that DH did not think to discuss it with me first!

The flights are already booked and I'm bloody sure he's told her that she can stay as long as she likes...without even thinking to ask what I thought first.

I do get on well with MIL although she doesn't speak English and I get by in her language (Italian)...but I don't want her moving in for 10 days!!

Actually I was quite looking forward to some evenings slobbing out & watching what I want on TV and catching up on DVDs!
Am I just being selfish? And unreasonable?

Also feeling very that DH didn't give me the respect of discussing it with me first, as if I I'm just the bloody lodger that's been told somebody is coming to stay.

So am I being unreasonable?!

Fairenuff thanks for the chuckle!

Really, OP your DH has behaved disgracefully. This is not your MIL's fault, who would probably be thrilled to see your DC and also (being Italian) probably be of practical assistance.

However, what's unforgiveable is that DH arranged all this without discussing it with you first. What are you, a child?

Piper what on earth does OP have to be grateful for?

Her child has a grandmother who wants to see her child so much she will travel from Italy to help. She has somewhere to go for nice holidays. And whilst like I said, I don't agree with him not talking to her about it first it's possible that her DH thought he was doing something nice while he was away enjoying himself.

No no no.

If she absolutely must come, hotel for the duration and DH skips the stag do in order to entertain her.

Put your foot down now. He is not the boss of you!

"Her child has a grandmother who wants to see her child so much she will travel from Italy to help"

Help with what?

" She has somewhere to go for nice holidays."

Do we know that MIL lives somewhere nice?

Perhaps OP would like to not have to spend any holidays flying to visit rellies, wherever they live!

Yanbu at all, dh is Italian and has a form for this. It is insulting to suggest a hotel, or try to tell him it's too long. Last time tgey were here a couple of months ago, they stayed for a month an a half , so much for the 3 weeks I told dh. With my first child they stayed 2 months, really spoiled my last month of ML and first few weeks with baby. Mil was even in labour ward with me when I was giving birth . I put my foot down the second time round and told dh she was not to be there as I am giving birth. They did not stay as long.

Piper, yes of course it's lovely to have a grandmother who wants to see her grandchild, and to have an Italian connection is great. I don't think this is quite the issue here.

On what planet is it possible that a DH thinks it's nice to arrange this kind of thing without first asking OP if that suits?

I adored my MIL, and had her stay many times when DH was away (he travelled a lot). I am half Italian, and totally understand and appreciate and revel in the whole family dynamic with it's joys, stresses, love and obligations.

However, this arrangement from OP's DH is at best, totally fucking thoughtless.

Gosh. This reminds me of when first DS was born and MIL was OBSESSED. FIL announced to me that he was taking hub away in a golf holiday but not to worry, because he was booking a break for me, MIL and her mate along with baby! I played it cool and said fine, no worries about the golf holiday but it would give me the opportunity to have my friend up to stay. All went very quiet after that and nothing happened!

Italian DH here so I'm going to make some assumptions. This is clearly a done deal because there is no way your DH is going to back down and risk upsetting his mother. You need to work out how best to manage this and limit the damage. Yes I know people are saying tell her to cancel etc but that's not going to happen without causing a huge rift between you and DH. Italian mothers are sacrosanct.

Firstly sort out sleeping arrangements. You're not giving up your bed. Does she know this? Suggest she stays in a hotel for her comfort. I doubt she will want 10 days on a sofa.

Is there anything she likes doing? Shopping? My MIL adores M&S so I point her in direction of Westfield armed with loaded oyster card and written instructions on what tube stop to get off with.

it won't kill you or your parents to allow her that one day with your LO instead of them - surely they (and you) must understand she must miss her GC desperately. Let her accompany you to/from pickups if easy to manage.

Finally, use her! Get her to cook meals you can freeze or pasta sauces for your LO. Mine always wants to iron DH' shirts - be my guest! Your MIL has probably been spun the line by DH that you need her help. Of course you don't, but making her feel useful won't cost you anything. You may need to host her a little (especially if she is hospitable when you visit her) but make it clear when you are tired and need some rest.

I've had some battles in the past with mine but I've learnt to accept that she won't change, she is from a totally different mindset and culture and it is just easier to suck it up than cause problems for my DH.

After the visit make it clear to your DH that he never does this again to you.

OP is not obliged to feel grateful for an inconvenience. That makes no sense. It's not even a break for her, it's extra work and possibly sleeping on the floor.

OP the only way this could at all be fair would be for you to go away on holiday and have your dh look after your mother. See how he likes them apples.

This is clearly a done deal because there is no way your DH is going to back down and risk upsetting his mother.

It is not a 'done deal', what a load of rubbish. OP has a voice, she is an equal to her husband, he does not get to tell her what to do.

You need to work out how best to manage this and limit the damage.

No, he has to work out how to limit the damage that he has caused. Perhaps he could cancel his trip and enjoy the visit from his mother, as she is so sacrosanct.

Yes I know people are saying tell her to cancel etc but that's not going to happen without causing a huge rift between you and DH.

He would have caused the rift, though. His cock-up, his consequences.

Or, OP, you could listen to this 'Italian DH' and know your place as a second, sorry, third class citizen in your own home.

Grandparents are important, but honestly if MIL was coming from abroad for 10 days I would want DP here for most of it, as I would find that a bit much.

Orlunda I think that's very sound advice. You're right of course, Italian mothers are sacred and it's almost certainly a done deal.

Fair, I'm not saying it's right. It's not. However, I'm just suggesting ways to get through it.

Btw, I was saying that I have an Italian DH. I'm his English wife, so I understand the cultural differences that possibly you may not. I'm not treated as a third class citizen either. To be fair to op's DH, I don't think she has actually been told she is sleeping on the floor or being made to give up her bed? Clearly her DH has not thought through the practicalities of the visit.

There are some huge positives to being part of an Italian family, and some negatives. The Italian MIL is sadly one of the negatives. 10 years of marriage and some horrible arguments have given me a little hindsight and hopefully some insight.

Thanks cingo!

Fair, I'm not saying it's right. It's not. However, I'm just suggesting ways to get through it.

If it's not right it should be challenged and changed. What you are suggesting to this poor woman is a lifetime of doing what her husband says.

You are being treated as a third class citizen because MIL comes first, right, the dh has to please her, perish the thought of upsetting her.

Then the dh makes the decisions about what, where, when, etc. so he comes second and his wife has to do what he wants, so she comes third.

Yes, she can get to sort out the practicalities, lucky little thing because her silly dh didn't think about that.

What a horrible thread with nasty intolerant responses.

OP, is it really going to kill you to show some hospitality and respect to the lady who gave birth to your DH and who is the grandmother of your DS?

She's there to help out and be a bit of company for you and to get to know you and her grandchild better. Presumably as she lives abroad you don't know each other that well.

Ok, I get that space is tight but I'm sure you'll manage. Why not arrange a few nights out yourself so she can babysit? Get her to cook you some decent Italian food?

Let's hope that some of you on here don't have sons because karma is well and truly going to bite you on the bum when your own DS gets married.

How dare he? How DARE he?!? My DP would never arrange for anyone to stay for 10 days while he wasn't here . I'd never do it to him, either. I think it's less an Italian thing and more a male chauvinist thing.

It is NOT a done deal and the OP does NOT need to work out ways to entertain precious MIL during her trip, use her for cooking to try to make up for it, or make life easier for both of them.
The OP was looking forward to some quiet nights at home alone during her 'D'H's trip and some time with the DC, and she has every right to have those things.

OP, it's a hotel or nothing. Tell him that. Stand your ground.

Spectacular missing of point, Tryharder.

Not the MIL visiting, but the decision to invite her and allow plane tickets to be bought WITHOUT consulting the OP.

Did that bit escape you?

Try, I would very much hope that some on here DO have sons; from the more sensible responses, it sounds as though they would raise their sons to be aware and respectful of boundaries and the concept of joint family decisions.

As for karma, don't be so moralistic.

OP, is it really going to kill you to show some hospitality and respect to the lady who gave birth to your DH and who is the grandmother of your DS?

What about her dh showing some respect to the woman who gave birth to his child.

Works both ways.

This Italian mother this is both sexist and racist.

Leave off the 'woman' 'italian' blaming and focus on OP's problem - a husband who doesn't consult before he invites guests and buggers off to leave her to deal with them.

The OP might have been happy for her MIL to visit, she might not. The whole point is that the husband should have asked her- would you like my MIL to stay to give you a hand when I'm away? And listened.

If I were the MIL I wouldn't want to come anyway in this situation. The husband has most likely made out that she is doing you a massive favour. The only person happy in this scenario is the husband- managed to 'deal' with his MIL and wife in one fell swoop when he's not around.

I would just refuse, but then I would refuse to have my own family stay if no-one asked me first.

To see whether this is a gender thing, it's very easy to swap it around. Would you, as a female, book to go 10 days away from your 8 month old (including a hen weekend), then ring your father and ask him to come over and live for these 10 days in a one bed flat with your husband to give him an extra hand with your child?

I would be pretty annoyed about this and I really like my MIL, but to have to entertain her for 10 nights? I wouldn't even want to do that for my own mum, and even more so in a tiny space - how much sleep is the one on the sofabed going to get? Mind you, neither Mil nor my mum would even suggest such a thing - when MIL stays with her DC who live abroad she always rents somewhere nearby, then everyone gets their own space.

Ask him if he would like your mum there, when you are not, for him to entertain and feed and be on 'best behaviour' for, for 10 days, and see what he says.

Sure, it's nice to have a visitor and some help, but like you, I would also be looking forward to some 'me' time, which has now flown out of the window.

Would you expect him to share a flat with your mum for 10 days while you were away, and arrange it behind his back?

My DH would not dream of thinking for speaking for me, but if he did, he'd be undoing it PDQ. No ifs, no buts.

Why can't you say that to him OP? Why does he get to decide for you? I