...to not want MIL to come & stay for 10 days?!

[TurquoiseDress]

OK, in a nutshell- DH is working away for a week at the end of the month and then going for a 3 day stag do abroad (worthy of another thread in it's own right!).

Last weekend he informed me that he's arranged for his mother to come over to help out with looking after our LO who is nearly 8 months old.

Then tonight he announces that she's going to be staying here in our home- tiny 1 bed flat, no room to swing a cat!

I am not happy but slightly feeling like an ungrateful bitch...I know we're v lucky that LO has grandparents who want to be involved and help out.

LO is in a local crèche, getting on well and happy. While DH is away I'll be picking up/dropping off as I always do (my workplace is closer) so it's not like we're desperate for childcare.

I'm more annoyed that DH did not think to discuss it with me first!

The flights are already booked and I'm bloody sure he's told her that she can stay as long as she likes...without even thinking to ask what I thought first.

I do get on well with MIL although she doesn't speak English and I get by in her language (Italian)...but I don't want her moving in for 10 days!!

Actually I was quite looking forward to some evenings slobbing out & watching what I want on TV and catching up on DVDs!
Am I just being selfish? And unreasonable?

Also feeling very that DH didn't give me the respect of discussing it with me first, as if I I'm just the bloody lodger that's been told somebody is coming to stay.

So am I being unreasonable?!

Fair, don't throw racism into this. In no way have I been racist and you devalue the word by doing so. I have an Italian MIL and a lot of mother/son relationships, not all, tend to confirm to the national stereotype of the matriarch.

OP has two options available to her. Option 1 is clearly the preferred choice of the majority on this thread, ie. she can go ballistic, insist on the MIL flights being cancelled etc. This will I suspect cause a rift with her DH and severely hurt her MIL's feelings, who may be a totally innocent party in all this. Yes it's the DH's fault but sadly OP will get the blame.

Option 2 (which, if you had read my post correctly, is what I suggested) is telling her DH that OP will not be giving up her bed and suggesting that MIL won't be comfortable on the sofa and book her into a hotel. Go ahead with the visit as best she can, whilst making it crystal clear to her DH that the situation is never to happen again. If OP does this, it doesn't mean she is setting herself up for a lifetime of being treated like a third class citizen. She will have laid down the rules for future visits whilst being gracious in this instance.

When DS was born I had my MIL, FIL and SIL over 2 weeks after the birth, staying for a week. DH was back to work. They stayed in our house, it was hard work but I understood how important it was for them to see their GC. On the way home they cried because they were sad that they lived so far away and wouldn't see a lot of their GC.

A little sympathy for the DH's widowed mother who must be missing her GC desperately wouldn't go amiss. OP is fortunate that she doesn't live in Italy so visits are rare and this sounds like the first time her DH has done this to her. Hopefully it will be the last.

Fair, it's not racist. Orlunda was sharing thoughts based on her specific cultural experience of being part of an extended Italian family. These thoughts completely tally with my own experience, and that of most Italians. It may be a cliche, that I'll grant you, but this one has a sound basis in reality.

The MiL may well be a grieving widow who misses her grandchild. She probably misses her own son as well, but he's decided that he isn't interested in seeing his mother and so he's going to make her Somebody Else's Problem and get brownie points for dumping her on his wife while he fucks off on a stag do and work trip.

OP, you need to reschedule the visit for a time when your husband is here - don't be a martyr.

Try, I have a son. I'm hoping to emulate both my MIL and my mother who maintain fantastic relationships with their daughters-in-law by treating them respectfully, as individuals and as equals.

That includes respecting boundaries and space.

But really, the issue here isn't OP's MIL - though 10 days solo entertaining when there is something of a language barrier sounds like a hard slog even before you throw in 'one bed flat'.

The issue is the OP's arse of a husband who orchestrated all this without discussing it.

Stating that a person 'has to be obeyed' because they are a certain nationality is racist. There is no other reason given, just that she is Italian and that makes it 'a done deal'

Fair, don't be ridiculous! No one has said that a person "has to be obeyed". Different countries have different cultural norms and expectations. It is not racist to note this, it is respectful and observant.

No one has said that a person "has to be obeyed".

OP is being told that if she doesn't agree to arrangements that her dh made, behind her back, she - she note, not he - will cause a huge rift:

This is clearly a done deal because there is no way your DH is going to back down and risk upsetting his mother.

Yes I know people are saying tell her to cancel etc but that's not going to happen without causing a huge rift between you and DH.

Italian mothers are sacrosanct.

Take the Italian bit and you just get 'mothers are sacrosanct' which is, of course, nonsense. Saying she is Italian doesn't make it any different, it is still nonsense.

There are plenty of cultural attitudes around the world that are sexist and damaging to women. It doesn't mean we have to perpetuate them and try to make a young mother feel bad about something her husband has done.

Do you think he mistrusts you?

Tryharder I have sons and brothers, my brothers would never do this and I hope my sons never would. I would never expect one of them to make such a big decision for their partner, then try and be sneaky about it. I'd join the partner and give my son a telling off.

My Italian DH invited my MIL to stay with me the day I gave birth to DD1, as we had a private room, I thought he was staying with me, but he disappeared off with his sister and dad, leaving me with her telling me that she was staying the night, I immediately texted him telling him she was not staying. I have to say though my DH does not have the typical Italian mother son relationship. I have just given birth to DD2 and he was trying to arrange someone to come and help me out, and had to tell him do not plan for me, I can cope by myself and inviting anyone will not help but increase my workload.

I suspect OP's DH may have been trying to be helpful. Doesn't change the fact that he screwed up bigtime, nor does it change the fact that he needs to be told his actions were unacceptable and he can't make a joint decision like inviting someone to stay in their home unilaterally. But it wasn't necessarily done out of mistrust or whatever.

OP, have you spoken with him? What did he say?

Thanks for all the replies!
Sorry been silent, been a hectic few days.

Well have spoken at length to DH and he's agreed to book hotel, wasn't too much stress going through all the ins and outs.

He apologised for making assumptions.
I emphasised how much I appreciate the involvement his mother is trying to make but I def think he got the point about not wanting my space to be invaded!

Thanks for all the suggestions and sharing of experiences!

Not read all the replies but didn't want this to become Italian MIL bashing!

I'm so glad it worked out. Yay!

My mum is Italian and brought me up with her beliefs that mens needs are greater . And that women are second class citazens. Well she tried but if you check my posting history you will see that it didn't work.

It majorly backfired on her when I decided I didn't want children and these attitudes are part of the reason.

Anyhoo I know for a fact that she would HATE the idea of DB going on a stag weekend with all that it entails

What everyone else said. If he doesn't relent, book your extended family to stay for Christmas and New Year and book yourself and baby into a nice B&B down the road. See how he likes it.

10 days is too long for any guest at our house. The longest anyone has crashed on our couch was DH's friend, and he stayed for a week. He was the best house guest you could hope for, still glad when he left and we got our space back.

Maybe I'm a bit "territorial" of my space, but I don't like sharing it for more than a couple days. It disrupts my routine.

OP glad it worked out for you but did you ask him how he'd feel if you invited your father to stay for ten days and then fecked off ?

One person's 'helping out' is another person's 'interfering nightmare'. These things need to be discussed and agreed in advance. I'm glad the hotel solution has worked out.

If my MIL came for 10 days there would be a homicide!

I'm glad things have worked out ok. I would have told DH that he could work away for the week whilst MIL was here but that he would have to give up the stag do to spend time with her. That would be fair!

I once spent the whole working week looking forward to Friday night when dh was going out with friends. I planned a DVD, wine and Chinese take-a-way with the dc's in my pj's and early night. I was late getting off and rushed home, stressed, picking ds3 up from nursery late on the way past to find that dh had invited dsd and her children over to "share my meal". I told dh that that was fine but he would be staying in and sharing with us. I didn't get my planned night but neither did he. He never did it again.

All's well that ends well.