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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want MIL to come & stay for 10 days?!

120 replies

TurquoiseDress · 04/08/2014 22:32

OK, in a nutshell- DH is working away for a week at the end of the month and then going for a 3 day stag do abroad (worthy of another thread in it's own right!).

Last weekend he informed me that he's arranged for his mother to come over to help out with looking after our LO who is nearly 8 months old.

Then tonight he announces that she's going to be staying here in our home- tiny 1 bed flat, no room to swing a cat!

I am not happy but slightly feeling like an ungrateful bitch...I know we're v lucky that LO has grandparents who want to be involved and help out.

LO is in a local crèche, getting on well and happy. While DH is away I'll be picking up/dropping off as I always do (my workplace is closer) so it's not like we're desperate for childcare.

I'm more annoyed that DH did not think to discuss it with me first!

The flights are already booked and I'm bloody sure he's told her that she can stay as long as she likes...without even thinking to ask what I thought first.

I do get on well with MIL although she doesn't speak English and I get by in her language (Italian)...but I don't want her moving in for 10 days!!

Actually I was quite looking forward to some evenings slobbing out & watching what I want on TV and catching up on DVDs!
Am I just being selfish? And unreasonable?

Also feeling very Angry that DH didn't give me the respect of discussing it with me first, as if I I'm just the bloody lodger that's been told somebody is coming to stay.

So am I being unreasonable?!

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 04/08/2014 23:39

Honestly cannot believe DH is doing this

Then do not allow him to do it. Insist that he arranged for her to stay in the hotel as previously happened.

Does he not think you are capable of looking after your own baby while he is away?

What if this sets a precedent, with MIL making it a regular thing?!

It won't if you don't allow it to happen thins time. The precedent has already been set; she stays in a hotel. Job done.

CateBlanket · 04/08/2014 23:41

YANBU to be cross with him but I hope you'll let her come.

You don't say how many hours a day/week your DS is in the creche but he's young to be in daycare so perhaps he could have a few days at home with grandma.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 04/08/2014 23:42

Hotel for MIL for the duration of his trip away.

Goldmandra · 04/08/2014 23:48

he's young to be in daycare so perhaps he could have a few days at home with grandma.

Oh yes. It's a great idea to disrupt his routine and remove him from the carers with whom he is settled and secure to spend a few days alone with someone he probably doesn't know from Adam Hmm

Original poster
TurquoiseDress · 04/08/2014 23:51

Cate
I do want her to come, but it's all so awkward having her stay here in our tiny place!

Plus I feel that I'll have to "entertain" her as well while she's here.

My job is pretty intense and I'd really just like to come home from work with DS, get him sorted then flop.
I don't want some sort of love-in with the MIL for 10 days, as much as I do like her.

DS in crèche for 4 days, my parents have him for one.
DH also pissed me off saying DS doesn't have to go to my parents that week Angry

It's just frustrating that he wants me to go along with everything so his mum can come along and have DS for the entire time.

He's only 8 months and in the crèche most if the week- I WANT to spend the time with him and not just let granny take over.

OP posts:
McFox · 04/08/2014 23:56

I'd be fuming too. In fact I was a few weeks ago because my MIL came to stay for a few nights (also in a 1 bed flat) when my DH was away, and I didn't want her there or get much say in the matter. She claimed she was there to help me with housework etc while I looked after our newborn. In fact I ended up doing everything with some extra DIY and cooking thrown in while she spent days seemingly unable to let go of my child. It pissed me right off and messed up our routines and milk supply.

Basically don't be fooled like I was, tell your DH to uninvite her/book a hotel. Don't be put through the same hell as me!!

Fairenuff · 05/08/2014 00:02

Honestly cannot believe DH is doing this- totally thought he was taking the piss when he told me!
Then I realised he was for real, then got really worried.

This is not a normal reaction OP! Why were you worried?

You keep explaining all your reasoning on this thread. But you don't have to. I get it.

I got it from your OP. It's not convenient, you didn't ask for it, you didn't want it, you weren't consulted. That's enough, you really don't have to explain yourself.

What is not clear is why you just can't tell him, no you won't be doing that and he's to phone her and tell her to cancel her flights.

CateBlanket · 05/08/2014 00:04

He's only 8 months and in the crèche most if the week- I WANT to spend the time with him and not just let granny take over

then let granny have him during the day and you insist she rests when you get home and enjoy your baby and the lovely dinner she's cooked!

Icimoi · 05/08/2014 00:05

Tell him she is going to stay in a hotel, he is going to book it tomorrow, and he is going to pay for it.

Original poster
TurquoiseDress · 05/08/2014 00:06

McFox
That sounds horrendous! You poor thing!
I would've hated MIL staying like that when LO was a newborn...or my own mother for that matter.
We just don't have the bloody space!

I'm assuming you got to sleep in the bed?

Am just waiting to see what my DH says about the sleeping arrangements!
Is he going to put his mother in our bed and make me sleep on the floor?
Will he make us share (totally weird!)?

I'm not given up my bed for nobody!!

OP posts:
Original poster
TurquoiseDress · 05/08/2014 00:16

I said I was "worried" because DH doesn't normally pull shit like this!

His mother's quite forceful and he tends to agree with everything she says or suggests, also regarding our DS, which pisses me off a bit as he doesn't act as if we're a family.

It's as if it's his mother, him and our DS.
I'm just some random on the periphery.

OP posts:
zipzap · 05/08/2014 00:17

OP - don't wait to find out about the sleeping arrangements! He's already sprung 2 unwelcome surprises on you; what's the betting that he has already told his mum that you would be more than happy to give up your bed or share it...

Take a deep breath, and just tell him that you are wondering how your mil will get on when she sleeps on the floor/sofa/campbed/??? as you know that you would not do well sleeping on them for that long, especially being disturbed by you going through to get milk for a night feed/go to the loo/etc in the middle of the night and that she is obviously very desperate to see the baby if she is willing to do that instead of sleeping at a hotel as she has before. And then watch all hell break loose see how he explains exactly what he was thinking about where his mum will sleep - and then you get to be the one that catches him on the back foot. So make sure you have all your reasons and best 'no, I'm sleeping in my bed alone' line on repeat! And then see how things pan out...

Bilberry · 05/08/2014 00:23

I would compromise; get dh book her a hotel and take ds out of crèche a couple of days. Ok ds doesn't know her well but it would be good if they could build a relationship even if routines do get disrupted. How does she get on with your parents? Could they do some shared care on your dp day? I would be furious with my oh if he pulled a trick like that but if she wasn't actually staying with you (that would be an absolute no go for me) could you put up with it to help your ds get to know his paternal grandmother? Grandparents (both sets) are important to dc.

Dubjackeen · 05/08/2014 00:33

Am just waiting to see what my DH says about the sleeping arrangements!
Is he going to put his mother in our bed and make me sleep on the floor?
Will he make us share (totally weird!)?
No, no, no!
Why would your husband get to decide this?

I'm not given up my bed for nobody!!
That's the spirit.

Original poster
TurquoiseDress · 05/08/2014 00:35

Yes absolutely grandparents are important!

In going to suggest compromise to DH whereby MIL stays in hotel and DS will do half days or less in crèche so she can spend a lot of the day with him.

I will put my foot down if she suggests DS goes to stay with her in hotel.

She suggested this a couple of times when DS was barely a month old, my DH tried to convince me it'd be good for me for one or two nights.

I said, thank you, but absolutely no fucking way!

OP posts:
TotorosImaginaryFriend · 05/08/2014 00:42

Fuck that! No way. Sit down and tell him he needs to rearrange the flights for a time when he is there and also that when she does visit she will be staying in a local hotel.

Be blunt.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 05/08/2014 00:45

YANBU.

But OP - I think you and DH need a real talk about this. Why would he invite his mother to stay when he isn't there? Why wouldn't he talk to you first?

thicketofstars · 05/08/2014 00:50

Your DP should have checked with you before issuing the invitation because you have taken advantage of him being away for a week to do some entertaining with close friends (in your flat), many of whom you haven't seen for a while. You've also been invited out by people who would be offended if you didn't bring the baby.

Or you simply don't think there's enough room for your MIL to stay, you think there will be a considerable burden on your shoulders to entertain her as opposed to receiving genuine help. Also, given that you already have childcare arrangements in place, it's difficult to see how your DP thought there was a need for live in help and if there isn't a need, it would be much much better for both DP and MIL if she came when he could enjoy the visit too. Ignore the flights. Flights are cheap these days. They can be cancelled. These Italian men think their mummies rule the world.

Patrickstarisabadbellend · 05/08/2014 00:55

If that was me I just wouldn't let her in. Seriously.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 05/08/2014 01:01

Send your mum to share his room on the stag do?

Chiana · 05/08/2014 01:04

Hotel. Seriously, hotel or nothing. Good luck.

I have a pretty good relationship with my PIL and we have a place to put them but I would still castrate my DH if he ever invited them to stay in OUR house without asking first. It's just not on under any circumstances.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/08/2014 03:44

Channel your inner matriarch. He's like that with her because she is a good, Italian Mama. You need to be one. No bullshit from anyone, including her and including him. Italian mothers are like that because their DH's had Italian mothers too. Now you have an Italian MIL. Woman up.

hackmum · 05/08/2014 08:29

This is insane. And the best of it is from your DH's pov is that he looks like the good guy, inviting his mum over to help you, while he doesn't have to put up with her!

I can't see how she will be much help - surely it will just be extra work for you, having to cook for another person?

diddl · 05/08/2014 08:44

So he's away, you are working, & baby is in childcare?

So what's the point of her visit?

Scrumbled · 05/08/2014 08:45

I'd be fuming, it's very disrespectful. Not only does he arrange it without asking, he tries to hide the full facts because he knows you won't like it Shock Then of course it's harder to cancel when a little bit of time has passed.

I would explode if my dp did this.