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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want MIL to come & stay for 10 days?!

120 replies

TurquoiseDress · 04/08/2014 22:32

OK, in a nutshell- DH is working away for a week at the end of the month and then going for a 3 day stag do abroad (worthy of another thread in it's own right!).

Last weekend he informed me that he's arranged for his mother to come over to help out with looking after our LO who is nearly 8 months old.

Then tonight he announces that she's going to be staying here in our home- tiny 1 bed flat, no room to swing a cat!

I am not happy but slightly feeling like an ungrateful bitch...I know we're v lucky that LO has grandparents who want to be involved and help out.

LO is in a local crèche, getting on well and happy. While DH is away I'll be picking up/dropping off as I always do (my workplace is closer) so it's not like we're desperate for childcare.

I'm more annoyed that DH did not think to discuss it with me first!

The flights are already booked and I'm bloody sure he's told her that she can stay as long as she likes...without even thinking to ask what I thought first.

I do get on well with MIL although she doesn't speak English and I get by in her language (Italian)...but I don't want her moving in for 10 days!!

Actually I was quite looking forward to some evenings slobbing out & watching what I want on TV and catching up on DVDs!
Am I just being selfish? And unreasonable?

Also feeling very Angry that DH didn't give me the respect of discussing it with me first, as if I I'm just the bloody lodger that's been told somebody is coming to stay.

So am I being unreasonable?!

OP posts:
SapphireMoon · 05/08/2014 08:53

Let us know how you get on op.
I would be furious [my dh has done similar in the past with inlaws and I exploded ineffectually].
Is there a B&B, Premier Inn type place near you? Dh could explain about space issue and stick hand in his pocket for paying.
Would like this to work out for you to make me feel some people can deal with such situations better than me!

ChasedByBees · 05/08/2014 08:54

I think I'd actually LTB. The patronising arse - he's treating you like you are incapable of being an adult and making your own decisions. Really angry for you.

ChasedByBees · 05/08/2014 08:57

Would he be okay with you arranging the same? so if your mother came to stay if you went away for two weeks?

DartmoorDoughnut · 05/08/2014 09:08

shudder my MIL has invited herself over for the day ... I have no idea why, the baby is still in my belly and really not at a cuddling stage yet, its pissing down with rain and I'm having a rage day ... this could be a day that goes down in history!

In any case, YANBU, MIL for 10 days would drive me nuts!

ithoughtofitfirst · 05/08/2014 09:30

Why why why why WHY would he do that?!!

Oh dh by the way I've organised my DAD to come hang out with you for 10 days.

That's NOT A THING.

eddielizzard · 05/08/2014 09:36

as someone who has just had mil stay for 8 weeks, you have to put your foot down now. otherwise this won't stop you know.

hotel it is. you have to have your own space. fucking cheek.

SapphireMoon · 05/08/2014 09:39

Oh eddie... have you recovered yet?
Any visitor for 8 weeks is too much unless you live in a huge mansion with wings etc.

FunkyBoldRibena · 05/08/2014 09:39

'Hi, mil is coming to stay whilst I am away'
'No, she isn't.'
'Oh, but the flights are booked'
'Not my problem, if I am not involved in arrangements then it is not my problem.'
'But I thought she could help'
'You thought wrong. If you did think that, then you should have suggested it to your wife before arranging it with mummy. Again, not my problem'

SapphireMoon · 05/08/2014 09:41

The arranging with 'Mummy' before me irritates me hugely.
My DH guilty of this big time. Also have a FIL [shudder] who thinks 'I should do as I am told'.
Nip this in the bud if you can op...

Thebodyloveschocolateandwine · 05/08/2014 09:49

He's been a massive twat.

Tell him it's either he cancelles her flight or he books her into a hotel.

Didn't he consider where she would sleep?

Nip in bud time.

diddl · 05/08/2014 09:49

Does he even like his mum?

"You'd like to come over? Hmm, well there's this 10 day slot when I'm not going to be there..."

You should have the bed as you need to get up.

But then as soon as you get up, you'll using the are MIL is in?

So you can't even have breakfast/get ready in peace?

I think at the least he has to book her somewhere to stay tbh.

If not cancel the thing!

hollyisalovelyname · 05/08/2014 10:01

HOW DARE HE.
It's not the 1930's.
He had it all sussed..... he wouldn't have to entertain her. He could go off and enjoy himself.
You are being taken for a mug.
Do you want this thoughtless behaviour to continue through your relationship?....because it will, once this precedent has been set.
POOR YOU.

knickernicker · 05/08/2014 10:08

The main problem you have to deal with and you must is that your dh makes decisions on your behalf. You must not allow him to do that.

Johnogroats · 05/08/2014 10:16

We went to see MIL on Sunday. I like her, she is considerate.... And on occasion she has been to stay with us while DH is away / I am working.

DH recognises that however helpful she us, there is an additional burden on me. So he discusses things with me. And we do live in a large house - she has spare room and we have 2 bathrooms. I would be utterly shocked if he told me she was coming for 10 days.

Hotel and more communication needed! Good luck.

LookingThroughTheFog · 05/08/2014 10:17

he wouldn't have to entertain her. He could go off and enjoy himself.

That was my immediate thought too. As though one of the 'duties' of a wife is to entertain his mother so he doesn't have to.

Have you ever asked him to entertain your parents while you weren't around?

eddielizzard · 05/08/2014 10:19

SapphireMoon i still have a vague twitch. and am still enjoying wondering around the house without someone following me and making small talk.

now i just have to work on stopping her letting herself in to my house without a) checking whether it's ok to come, and b) ringing the doorbell first.

toomuchtooold · 05/08/2014 10:20

YANBU. My inlaws are also non English speaking and live abroad. They come once in a blue moon and stay for ages, and I have to get my rusty German out and make polite conversation the whole time. As they retired abroad (as in, abroad for them) FIL is desperate for chat so after 12 hours of giving attention to two toddlers I spend another 2 hours listening to him. It's knackering, particularly if DH is not around and I have to take the full flow (and also need to do all the sort of "do you have enough towels/we are ditching you tomorrow to go to toddlers group" sort of polite awkward requests of having people you don't know all that well staying in your house).

When the girls were 6m old my DH invited his parents over for a month and went to the US for a jolly work conference for two weeks in the middle of it. Sometimes I speak of it in tones of awe and he sits in remorseful silence and nods. Yes, you did actually do that. Yes, it was quite as awful as you might imagine.

Hoppinggreen · 05/08/2014 10:24

He's not doing it to help you at all, he's doing it to ease his guilt
Wife got help so I can go away with a clear conscience - tick
Mummy spending time with baby and I'm well out of the way - tick
Selfish thoughtless arse - tick!!!

4seasons · 05/08/2014 11:06

If you don't stand up to him this time you will have a possible lifetime of arrangements being made that suit him but not you . You will also be made to feel like a " terrible person " if you ever speak up against the arrangements he and his parents make . I am speaking from many years of experience here !!

Tell him you are happy to see his mother on this occasion as he has already made the arrangements but that he MUST book her into a hotel . A one bedroomed small flat would be bad enough if she was your best friend , let alone your mil .This sounds an absolute nightmare to me .

As you like your MIL you won't want to hurt her feelings on this occasion but you must make it clear to DH that this WILL NOT be happening again.
.I would also be telling him that he should cancel his stag weekend away to spend more time with his mother . What an absolute bloody cheek to expect you to entertain his mum whilst he swans off with his mates !

I would also be asking him how he would feel if the situation were reversed ..... you inviting your mum then leaving him for a week with her and going on a hen weekend .

He has felt free to do all of this because he thinks he is in charge / man of the house / superior / dominant / alpha male / owner of a penis . You should nip this in the bud immediately . Otherwise I shall have to come onto MN and tell you all about the many and varied times my DH did this to me .... because I was too nice and accommodating the first time he did it . Think 5 weeks travelling around New Zealand with octogenarian PILs. Was supposed to be our holiday of a lifetime and he asked his parents along without discussing it with me first .Ive become better at protesting since then and when he calls me a " terrible person " I really let him have it !! ( verbally , obviously ).

knickernicker · 05/08/2014 11:19

Good post 4seasons

phantomnamechanger · 05/08/2014 11:24

Another YANBU from me!

What is the actual point of her visiting if you will be at work and the baby will be in childcare, she will be alone most of the time. It's rude to have a house guest and abandon them!
Your own parents are close by if there was any emergency (eg you were ill or car broke down).
I could sort of see his POV if you were 100% SAHM and he felt that you needed someone on hand to give you a break, but as everyone says, this gives you extra work and less break - no slobbing out with DVD and takeawy, no early night or long hot bath, no just pleasing yourself cos Dh is away. Even if he had thought this was to help you out he should have discussed it with you!
Also the fact that he will be away and not having to entertain/help out is so wrong.

when do you get to go away for a 3 day jolly by the way? Book it! be sure to book his mummy to come help him look after baby, I'm sure he wont mind her being there 24/7 and sharing his bed!

phantomnamechanger · 05/08/2014 11:28

well said 4seasons

OP please do not be the martyr - give him and inch and he'll take a mile - let him get away with this and goodness knows what his next brainwave will be!

justmyview · 05/08/2014 11:37

I think DS can have a change from routine from time to time and you probably could manage to have a visitor in a 1 bed flat

However, I'd be very cross about him arranging this without discussing with you and him not even being there when his Mum visits.

Could you check into a hotel (at DH's expense) to give MIL more space in your flat? Leave DS with her and enjoy a few days peace and quiet in a hotel on your own? Could she stay with your parents if they have space?

I think DH has some major grovelling to do here.

Fairenuff · 05/08/2014 12:48

Am just waiting to see what my DH says about the sleeping arrangements!
Is he going to put his mother in our bed and make me sleep on the floor?

I don't understand what makes you think this is his decision to make.

I really don't. It is so alien to me it's like saying "I'm just waiting to see what my dh thinks about me having a shit."

It's nothing to do with him whatsoever.

PiperRose · 05/08/2014 14:33

While I don't exactly think you are being unreasonable in that he should have discussed it with you first, I think you are being a tad ungreatful.

  1. She lives abroad and doesn't get to see her grandchild.
  2. It's fine for you to swan over to stay with her when you fancy a holiday
  3. Your husband probably thinks he has done something nice for you while he's away. This could have been a very different thread.