Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think questioning someone on why they haven't had children is just RUDE!

126 replies

shareacokethissummer · 03/08/2014 18:27

This afternoon - 'so why do you not want kids? It is coz you work with them all the time?' (I am a teacher.)

:(

I really want children but it's unlikely to happen - but this is just so rude! I don't want to explain myself to someone I've just met!

AIBU?

OP posts:
amyhamster · 03/08/2014 18:27

yanbu!

NatashaBee · 03/08/2014 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsWinnibago · 03/08/2014 18:31

It's the height of rude. My neighbour keeps asking me "Why don't you have more?" I have two already and I'm 41! She knows nothing about my history...to question someone with no DC is just stupid!

Could you bring yourself to say Well...it's hard enough struggling with fertility without people bringing it up uninvited!"

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 03/08/2014 18:33

I've said stuff like that in the past without thinking. In actual fact I think the only time I take my foot out of my mouth, is to exchange it for the other Blush

So on behalf of thoughtless people, I apologise Flowers

I'm so sorry.

Perfectlypurple · 03/08/2014 18:33

Yanbu. I have a dsd. I won't be having any of my own. Not by choice. I hate it when people ask me. It's none of their business that we can't. I'd love to have a child

isitsnowingyet · 03/08/2014 18:34

Insensitive and rude - YANBU

MrsWinnibago · 03/08/2014 18:35

Mome without getting at you but out of interest, don't you have a sort of internal list of things you don't bring up with relative strangers?

For example

Politics,
Religion
Money
Having children
Weight

?

RevoltingPeasant · 03/08/2014 18:39

MrsW I always used to want to say stuff like that as you know it would make them back off double quick!

But then, you are already hurting, why share your private pain with some nosy numbskull just so they "understand"? I scarcely talked about it with my own DM when we were going through it, fuck some random at a party.

The worst of it is that it is so hard to respond..... :(

kinkyfuckery · 03/08/2014 18:39

YANBU

I get asked that all the time too. I've been single for the past six years so not likely happening anytime soon

Original poster
shareacokethissummer · 03/08/2014 18:39

Well yes - I just felt really embarrassed especially as the reason isn't infertility but I'm single so how to say 'well no one wants to have a baby with me!'

OP posts:
Absofrigginlootly · 03/08/2014 18:39

Oh god no YANBU!!! It took us several years of trying to have a baby and I used to DREAD this question!!! So rude and intrusive!!

I don't/didn't mind people asking "do you have children" when you first meet them...that's just a getting to know you question. But I think if you answer "no" it shouldn't be followed up with "why not/do you want them/when will you start trying" etc etc.

I think such questions are just so intrusive as you never really know what's going on in someone's life. If someone responds with "no, but I'd like to have them in the future" then I think you can assume they're happy to discuss it - I appreciate that some people are very open and happy to tell all their personal details.

...But if you respond with a closed "no" or wave them away with a vague "maybe one day" etc then I think it's fair to assume that the subject is a non-starter and so you should change the subject!! Don't follow it up with questions that demand explanations and certainly not "oh you simply must have children! They are sooo wonderful!!!" (I've heard them all I think!!)

Rude. Rude. Rude.

Original poster
shareacokethissummer · 03/08/2014 18:40

Kinky, cross post.

At least if it was infertility I might be able to embarrass them I guess!

OP posts:
PervyMuskrat · 03/08/2014 18:41

YANBU. When we were struggling to conceive, I used to answer with "Because my ovaries don't appear to be functioning". Stopped a few people in their tracks but hopefully they realised what a potentially insensitive question it was.

Howaboutthisone · 03/08/2014 18:42

I totally agree. It's such an insensitive thing to bring up. And so difficult to respond to. One friend of mine had been married about 6 months when they started with the 'sound of tiny feet yet?' Comments. Little did they know she'd just had a mmc. This really pisses me off!

deakymom · 03/08/2014 18:44

my husband did this to my sons teacher (she is really quite young and plenty of time to have children if she wants them) his question was "are you having any kids of your own or have ours put you off!" really wanted to make me run away!

he also tells people he meets in the street stay kid free the holidays are HELL! its cheaper without kids etc i really wouldn't mind but he always wanted a huge family had been told he couldn't have any then we got together and had the boys i feel really upset as i think he is being bloody ungrateful! people look at me with horror and pity im not sure what is worse going to town with the kids or going with the kids and my husband

13greentomatoes · 03/08/2014 18:45

I had this once:

Went for a meal with some friends and their neighbours.

Female neighbour asked if we had kids. No was the answer. Why? She asked. Totally put on the spot in the middle of a very busy restaurant.

Silly me just mumbled that it just hadn't happened, and she started going on and on and on about adoption, that there is a little boy or girl just dying to have us as parents and that we were being selfish not to adopt!

I'd never even mentioned adoption (or not adopting, as the case was here)! I was not happy. How rude!

It's nobody else's business !

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 03/08/2014 18:45

I don't discuss politics or religion no. I've just once or twice asked if they'll have another baby or similar to discover they're having trouble conceiving and felt awful after. I haven't done it recently as I've realised how painful a subject it is and just because I could conceive easily and wanted children, doesn't mean others are the same. Or want the same.

The subject isn't suddenly brought up, we were usually on it already.

Now after seeing my brother and his wife struggle with infertility I've seen and learnt. I may still put my foot in my mouth but not about that anymore. I'm a bubbly chatty person and simply do not think sometimes. I dislike thinking I've upset someone though and always apologise profusely if I realise I have in error.

PumpkinPie2013 · 03/08/2014 18:46

YANBU! It is the height of rudeness to question someone on the number of children they have/don't have or intend (or not) to have!

I've honestly no idea why anyone thinks it's acceptable!

Pipbin · 03/08/2014 18:46

I'm in the exact same position. I'm a teacher and I get asked. I don't really mind people asking, it's a fair question but I really don't know how to answer. Saying 'well so far IVF has failed so I guess not' tends to make people feel bad.

I don't think it is rude as such but infertility is something that just doesn't occur to some people.

AnAwfullyGoodOxymoron · 03/08/2014 18:47

I think it's mostly just 'filler' conversation.

Yabu. Don't take it to heart so much.

13greentomatoes · 03/08/2014 18:48

YANBU, by the way Smile

Deverethemuzzler · 03/08/2014 18:50

Yanbu.

If it is any small comfort I get asked this question quite a lot.
I am 47 and have 5 children.
Even when I share my age and the fact OH has been 'sorted' some people won't give over Shock

Sorry to everyone who this question hurts rather than just bemuses Flowers

Pipbin · 03/08/2014 18:53

I have a friend who recently had a baby. Before this one she had a loss at 21 weeks. She finds it hard to answer how many children she has.
That said, it is a question I ask.

raydown · 03/08/2014 18:53

YANBU. I dread the questions, and it's surprising how commonly people do ask why you don't have children, when you're going to have them etc. it's such a painful subject for me and I cry if I have to talk about it so there's no way I'm going to start talking about it in the middle of a family event or something like that. I don't want to share medical and private stuff with other people but I know when I close down the conversation with a no that the questioner is just dying to know more.

Absofrigginlootly · 03/08/2014 18:53

Hard not to take it to heart when you are struggling to make it through the day some days without locking yourself in the toilets at work and crying anawfully :(

..... Filler conversation, in my opinion, is "where are you going on holiday? Seen any good films/read any good books recently? What album are you listening to at the moment? What you doing this weekend? Are you a cat or dog person? What's your favourite joke? Been to any great restuaramts recently?" Etc etc.... People should put a little bit more thought into how their throwaway/off hand comments can genuinely upset people