To think questioning someone on why they haven't had children is just RUDE!

[shareacokethissummer]

This afternoon - 'so why do you not want kids? It is coz you work with them all the time?' (I am a teacher.)

:(

I really want children but it's unlikely to happen - but this is just so rude! I don't want to explain myself to someone I've just met!

AIBU?

Point of information -in the UK, single people can adopt. As can same sex couples .

I'm not saying that they should, or enquiring as to why anyone posting on this thread has not done this. I just wouldn't like anyone reading this to believe that single people are automatically banned from adopting in the UK because it's not true .

I had this from an aunt of DHs many years ago not long after my 3rd miscarriage, which to be fair she didn't know about. And as this woman had history of being rude to people I was sort if ready for her. So conversation went. "No kids yet Petunia, you're not getting any younger" ( I was 30) me "see you've not learnt any manners yet, you'd think at your age you'd of managed to be polite!"

I would never have said any of this if she'd sprung her comment on me but I had it up my sleeve so to speak. Most of the time. I got flustered and said "oh not yet, you know enjoying life!"

People don't think, but it does mean I never ask anyone I know if they are pregnant (or just put in a few pound) planning on kids, it's non of my business

At a party, after talking to a couple for hours, and after they asked so many questions about my daughter, I asked them if they were parents and they said .no.
I didn't comment any further but they proceeded to tell me lots of excuses, I was just nodding silent, trying to find another subject to talk about.
We finally started talking about something else but they got up to get a drink and never spoke to me again, or came back to the table.
I felt awful and will never ask people if they have children ever again.

As a teacher, I always feel v protective of and sorry for colleagues who are ttc, it must be hellishly difficult in the context of a school, where everyone keeps track of your life, the kids included, you are surrounded by (mainly lovely) other people's DC all day, seeing them grow and the years go by, and feeling that you are missing that experience. Along with the cyclical stress of the academic year and teaching itself, and the difficulty of taking any time off for very specific dates / IVF drugs & their effects ... Good luck OP & remember that ppl always say stupid things about anything eg to me: 'aren't you worried about your son ?' (He has had leukaemia & has type 1 diabetes) answer = yes, of course I worry about him! but work is both necessary & therapeutic

At a party, after talking to a couple for hours, and after they asked so many questions about my daughter, I asked them if they were parents and they said .no.

Oh gosh, I think this is perfectly fine. If they went on to offer lots of reasons, that's on them, so don't feel bad. It's asking WHY, after they've said no, that is insensitive.

It's rude, rude, rude, rude and rude some more!!!

It's also when you already have children to be asked if you're having any more and you explain why you aren't to totally disregard your reasons and say 'oh but you still could! Don't let (whatever your reason) put you off'

Err fuck off!!!

Yanbu. I have one but struggling with conceiving a second at the moment. I am asked almost constantly when I'm having another which I also find rude. I would never ask anyone no matter how Manu children they do or do not have.

I'm in an odd situation, not many people are told they'll never have kids then have 3 pregnancies in as many years, resulting in 2 kids. So I've had comments from all sides. Why don't you have kids? When are you having the next one? Don't you haven't? Blah blah. If I can manage it, I find " oh excuse me, Doctor, I thought you were someone else. obviously my reproductive system is YOUR business!" works quite well for all of these hurtful questions.

Not at all U. People have been asking us for ages when we will have another. I started by smiling and being vague...then 'when DD sleeps through'. Now I'm more honest - we want them, my uterus doesn't seem to. They usually apologise for their insensitivity

Oh God people are so annoying. Someone asked me at a wedding last week - " are you ttc right now?" I said NO and not a word more. Bloody cheek of that!That was after a load of witches had rounded on me and asked if we were having kids and if so when. I said "we'd like kids but the when is not under anyone's control." I thought they would get the hint but one girl (admittedly a lot younger) was like "of course it's in your control".

Part of the problem is you spend your "single" years being told to be uber careful as it only takes once. So people don't realise that it actually might take longer than that. Plus infertility is sadly taboo and people don't realise its so common. I' know so many people who are struggling and I never mention the subject (unless they do).

It also makes me think I won't be putting scan pics etc on Facebook when the time comes. Or going on about it on FB.

YANBU It's your own business. Many many people do not have children through choice. The days when it was a woman's role to marry and have children are long gone!

I have an 8month old DD but spent my entire adult life never wanting one. My response when people asked about children was a very curt, "I hate kids." and that shut people up. However as people knew I never wanted children when I revealed at the grand old age of 40 I was (accidentally) pregnant the jokes, laughter and questions came thick and fast. The fact I was going through antenatal depression meant the last thing I wanted to do was discuss my pregnancy with anyone and everyone.

Why people think the fertility of others is any of their business I have no idea and wish they would just learn some manners and stfu!

I am very happy with my DD but already I am having the questions about another one. Aaaaggghhhhh!

YANBU. It's an unbelievably insensitive question and I can't believe anyone would think it's an acceptable 'conversation filler' as a poster upthread stated.

It's possible to adopt as a single person, but in practice, it's rarely possible in my experience. I have looked into adoption but I wouldn't get through their (understandably strict) criteria.

Does it have to be rude? Can't it just be chitchat?

Although the "working all the time" comment is obviously judgemental so I don't blame OP for fuming on it.

I'm fascinated how other people's lives turn out, the different twists & turns & choices. Doesn't have to be judgemental. Call me nosy, if you want. I'll answer your same questions to me if you ask them. I wouldn't ask someone I just met, but someone who was starting to become a friend, maybe.

I don't think anybody objects to the 'do you have children' question but then to question someone on what is either a decision or something very painful is not on.

If they want you to know they will share. When I've known someone a while I don't mind saying 'I've not met a man I want to have them with!'

But not someone I've just met.

I never wanted to have children and I am very happy with my choice and with my life. I do not mind people asking whether I have children, or even engaging in discussion about the pros and cons of having children.

What I hate with a passion are the people who, as soon as they learn that I don't have kids and - heresy! - I just don't want to have them, proceed to explain to me why I SHOULD have children, that I would make such a great mother and that I will love my children when I have them... the funniest thing is, people who come up with this shit are the ones who had never met me before and hence know nothing about me!

Why some people feel they purpose in life is to convince people who do not want children to have them anyway is beyond me. Not that the World is underpopulated!

I'm a teacher to and know this one well. It's made worse by the fact it is a catholic school, so it seems like i you are married you should be producing children. I have been married for 4 years next month and we wanted to buy a house before TTC (which we have done so TTC in December :) )

I don`t mind so much when the kids ask if I have children, I think its nice that they are interested, especially when they then say they think you will make a great mum.

The best thing was one of my year 10s (who I am taking in year 11 as its an exam group) made me promise I wasnt leaving and wasn't going to have a baby and have to leave before she had done her exams! she will do her exams in June next year so will get her wish.

What I hate with a passion are the people who, as soon as they learn that I don't have kids and - heresy! - I just don't want to have them, proceed to explain to me why I SHOULD have children, that I would make such a great mother and that I will love my children when I have them

Christ, I'm sending sympathy your way. I get exactly the same (father, rather than mother). Usually preceded by a look of horror, bewilderment and distaste, as if I'm fishing my lunch out of the loo or something.

Fuck off, all of you!

If they want you to know they will share.
This ^^

I'm fascinated how other people's lives turn out, the different twists & turns & choices. Doesn't have to be judgemental. Call me nosy, if you want. I'll answer your same questions to me if you ask them.
It depends on how it is asked and whether the person asking has enough social skills to read the tone of the response! If someone says "no I dont have children" in a way that is in any way not breezy or casual then the subject should be dropped. Unfortunately it seems like the majority of people that ask these sorts of questions are the type of people who bulldozer their way through life with no real awareness of how their pretty thoughtless questions can impact on people.
Some people are happy to lay their lives out completely bare for all to see. You won't need to ask these people why they don't have children - They will be more than happy to tell you anyway before you ask. If people don't bring the subject up themselves, or answer with a closed-response then leave it. Their emotional pain is not there for other's fascination.....or worse - PITY!

Having had miscarriages and felt miserable when regularly asked this question, I know better than to ask anyone else. I confess that, in the past, I have done so and probably been inappropriate about it.

I worked with a woman once who kept asking me why I didn't have kids. Little did the stupid mare know that I had just had my fourth miscarriage :( I just told her that dh and I hadn't been married long and that seemed to shut her up. As it happens, I got pregnant (this time with a successful outcome) soon afterwards and left the company. I actually wish I had told her about the miscarriages as it might have shamed her into not asking other people such an intrusive question.

I think it's incredibly rude. I remember being asked by one of DH's cousins, who we hardly know, if we would be having children and this was just after I'd had a miscarriage. Not everyone wants to have, or can have, children for a myriad of reasons and circumstances. And is anyone ever asked why they do want children?

I've also never understood why people assume that everyone wants or should want children.

I've always known I wanted children, but I have plenty of friends/DSis who don't. That's fine. Whatever makes people happy in life. I can understand why someone wouldn't want children as much as I understand why some people do. And as for it being 'selfish' not to want/have children....wtf???! How is not wanting children and not having them, any more selfish than wanting children and having them....???

If you look at it objectively, child-free by choice people are actually doing a very self-less thing. The world is massively over populated, with resources (food, water, oil, public services etc) stretched to capacity. The environmental impact of a child in the developed world is HUGE. I know this, but I want children anyway. Doesn't that actually make me a bit selfish?

When people say to child-free people "oh you'll change your mind one day!" I just find that so arrogant. No one ever says to pregnant women.... "You'll change your mind about wanting children one day" ....it's a symptom of the current 'fetishisation' of parenthood. Only parents can possibly understand the deeper/meaningful things in life. When you have children you 'see the light' don't you know

You are so not unreasonable OP. I have had super rude responses to saying that I don't want children - my decision will make me 'very selfish' (this from my narcissistic father, oh the irony). I had someone wish an unwanted pregnancy on me so that I would "just have to get on with it'. I'm still sore about that one.

I have to say I have had mostly neutral or positive responses but the horrible ones hurt. It's interesting how many people have such strong reactions to someone else's choice which affects them not one jot - makes you wonder how many people actually question their own choices deep down.

If you look at it objectively, child-free by choice people are actually doing a very self-less thing.

I've never seen it that way. I don't want to have to give up the things I enjoy doing to bring up a child. I think that makes me, well, not selfish, but certainly not selfless. However, the most selfish thing would be to have a child and then not bother to bring it up properly, I suppose.