Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think questioning someone on why they haven't had children is just RUDE!

126 replies

shareacokethissummer · 03/08/2014 18:27

This afternoon - 'so why do you not want kids? It is coz you work with them all the time?' (I am a teacher.)

:(

I really want children but it's unlikely to happen - but this is just so rude! I don't want to explain myself to someone I've just met!

AIBU?

OP posts:
hollycomputer · 03/08/2014 20:31

I've very rarely been quizzed on why we don't have children. In fact, I can remember about four occasions when I've been asked. My response has always been that neither DH nor I want them, plus obligatory jokes about how we have DNs and god-children which we can give back when we're fed up.

The two most persistent questioners were women who'd recently had their first babies and seemed convinced that they could convert us.

MintyCoolMojito · 03/08/2014 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deluge · 03/08/2014 21:07

YANBU.

Wouldn't dream of asking anyone, let alone someone I didn't know that well, such a personal question.

Two of my closest friends had fertility problems. I witnessed several uncomfortable moments when they were asked whether they would 'be next' . So insensitive and just nobody's bloody business!

RevoltingPeasant · 03/08/2014 21:08

AnAwfully no, not every question is triggering - personal questions are - which is why in polite conversation you don't interrogate the person you're talking to!

"Fantastic weather isn't it, are you enjoying it?"
"We went to see xx last night, have you seen anything decent recently?"
"Off to Cornwall next week, can't wait, are you managing to get away at all?"

These are acceptable conversation topics.

"So, both your parents still alive?"
"Have you ever had to go into hospital for a big operation?"
"X told me you haven't had children yet, why not??"

Those are not!

Why is this hard?

Original poster
shareacokethissummer · 03/08/2014 21:09

I think asking someone 'do you have children?' is perfectly acceptable, by the way.

But when they say they do not, don't quiz them - that's all.

OP posts:
hollycomputer · 03/08/2014 21:14

MintyCoolMojito That's so rude! My ghast is flabbered. I've never encountered anything quite that bad, though ExSIL did try quite hard to persuade me attend at the birth of final nephew. I was aghast and politely declined.

CheeseToastie123 · 03/08/2014 21:15

I am childfree by choice. However, health problems also lead to the discovery that I would probably never have had children naturally. I am very lucky, I wish every woman who has to hear such news could be in my position of 'actually, that's fine if not a bit of a relief', rather than in the very painful position I think is more commonly the place - after all, as a general rule, you're only having fertility looked at if you are ttc.

Anyway, due to the fact my dodgy ovary / womb are not a cause of emotional pain, I am now quite happy to say that I can't have children the moment the questions start to irritate me, and when possible then departing quite quickly leaving them hanging as to whether they've just terribly upset me. Judging by the reactions of some, I may have trained at least a few nosy bastards out of asking. Childish? Maybe. Effective? Absolutely.

(stops the 'you can't say you don't want children! Don't worry, you'll change your mind' brigade quite effectively as well)

paddleduck · 03/08/2014 21:19

We are constantly being asked why we aren't pregnant again yet... When will we have more etc etc. It really flipping hurts because I feel like shouting 'we're fucking trying as best we can for gods sake!'

Unfortunately prior to my own fertility problems I regularly spouted the line 'ohh almost time for another then!' ..I wish I'd realised how insensitive that could be. Not even just for those struggling to have children but those who don't want any or just wanted the one really don't need me putting them on the spot and inevitably they end up explaining themselves. I feel very bad!

fackinell · 03/08/2014 21:21

YANBU, I'm always tempted to say that it's actually none of their bloody business but since they've asked, I happen to have lost three so they clearly don't seem to like me very much.

It boils my piss, you never know someone's circumstances.

Sicaq · 03/08/2014 21:21

I have had the same, Minty: one man actually, literally fell off his stool with surprise when I told him I didn't want kids. I also usually get one of the following responses:

Ah, you're one of them career girls!
Why? Do you hate children or something?
Don't you think you owe your dad a grandchild?

Gah

fackinell · 03/08/2014 21:22

YANBU, I'm always tempted to say that it's actually none of their bloody business but since they've asked, I happen to have lost three so they clearly don't seem to like me very much.

It boils my piss, you never know someone's circumstances.

fackinell · 03/08/2014 21:22

YANBU, I'm always tempted to say that it's actually none of their bloody business but since they've asked, I happen to have lost three so they clearly don't seem to like me very much.

It boils my piss, you never know someone's circumstances.

AlpacaYourThings · 03/08/2014 21:36

YANBU.

This really, really upsets me.

AlpacaYourThings · 03/08/2014 21:37

YANBU.

This really, really upsets me.

NellyNoodle1 · 03/08/2014 21:44

I've become very rude to people I'm afraid.

I am pregnant for the first time age 33 - I actually had one family member last year tell me that I 'needed to get on with it' because there have been 'women' problems in our family. All in front of a big group of people. I've hated it for years all the constant probing.

Now I'm pregnant people are already asking about my next one - oh it will be different with your next one. Wtf? I'm disabled and really suffering at the moment - I also won't be able to afford two together as we are going to have to pay for childcare. Why can't people mind their own business? I mean do they really sit at home pondering other people's lives. I couldn't care less what other people are doing as long as it doesn't affect me.

I think it perfectly acceptable to ask have you any children? If no then leave it at that.

Also when it became obvious as work I was expecting someone actually said to me 'oh congratulations - or is it? I'm taking it it was planned?' Wtvf?

13greentomatoes · 03/08/2014 22:21

Thanks to all on this thread for all the c**p we've had to endure from insensitive people, for people who have suffered a loss, also congrats to the people that have had children since, or are expecting xxxxxx Thanks

NotNewButNameChanged · 03/08/2014 22:33

I'm a childfree man and have been single for 4 years. I'm afraid I have occasionally been rude to people who have really pushed it. In fact, one person unfortunately got me on a really bad day and they got the: "Do you have to keep on why I don't want kids? I mean, how many people come up to you and ask you why you HAD kids? Seriously, why did you? I mean, did you not consider it possibly unfair to pass those looks of yours onto an innocent child?"

Jelliebabe2 · 03/08/2014 22:34

If I get asked this I just smile and say "that's a very personal question don't you think?!?!"

Sicaq · 03/08/2014 22:43

I love that response, NotNew! I may steal it Grin

BadLad · 04/08/2014 00:27

I get this all the time, being child-free by choice.

I just say "Because I fucking hate kids".

It seems to get the message across.

ChangeIsNear · 04/08/2014 00:51

YANBU. It is very very rude and insensitive.

I don't even ask women whether they have children or not, as I have close friends who can't have children and I can see how painful it is for them.

HappySeaTurtles · 04/08/2014 03:18

13greentomatoes

Wait what is c**p? Did you just censor "crap"?? OMG, you're so cute.

KoalaDownUnder · 04/08/2014 04:03

YADNBU

It is unbelievably fucking inappropriate and insensitive.

I don't have any children, I'm 41 and single. I'd have a child tomorrow, if I could. I'd adopt if I could. It wouldn't have to be a baby - an older child, a child with special needs, a black/white/purple/green child, not a problem. I can't, as an unmarried woman. I have looked into it, extensively. And I have other, deeply personal reasons for not wanting to go down the sperm donor/IVF road, which I'm not discussing with someone as random social chit-chat.

It's like asking an acquaintance how much they paid for their house, or how much they weigh, or what they earn. Actually, it's much worse, because it's something that cuts to the very heart of people.

Flangeshrub · 04/08/2014 04:26

I'm 42 with 3 DC and get asked "when are you having another?" At least twice a week. People don't believe me when I say my family is complete. I only have to say "this cup of tea tastes funny?" And the whole office will explode in clapping and oooooohhing. No. The fucking milk is off you bunch of fuckers.

I have to had to tell several people who have pushed and pushed that I will never be pregnant again and if I had the misfortune to fall pregnant I would have an ABORTION. This is not remotely true I had fertility treatment and spent years TTC but it really stops people asking Grin

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 04/08/2014 07:17

God - I know this one.

We married very young and agreed we would wait a few years before ttcing - especially as I was doing exams for the first few years of my marriage. We were pretty open about this fact but it didn't stop people commenting - particularly dh's family and their friends.

"You better hurry up or you'll miss the boat" was a particular gem I received at twenty bloody three!