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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think questioning someone on why they haven't had children is just RUDE!

126 replies

shareacokethissummer · 03/08/2014 18:27

This afternoon - 'so why do you not want kids? It is coz you work with them all the time?' (I am a teacher.)

I really want children but it's unlikely to happen - but this is just so rude! I don't want to explain myself to someone I've just met!

AIBU?

OP posts:

Delphiniumsblue · 03/08/2014 18:54

People are very rude all the time in asking personal questions. They should think first.

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 18:55

Yanbu....

It's very rude

Original poster

shareacokethissummer · 03/08/2014 18:56

I don't mind people asking :)

But when you say no, I think that's when you move the conversation forwards. Don't ask why, because either they want them and can't have them (either because of infertility or because like me they haven't met a man!) or they just do not want them!

DeVere you must look very youthful jealous

OP posts:

Amy106 · 03/08/2014 18:56

YANBU. That's a really rude question and before we adopted, one we would get all the time. Have you tried the death stare, a moment of icy silence followed by, "That is a far too personal question for me to answer"? There was a lot of satisfaction in that for me.

Mintyy · 03/08/2014 18:58

I'm horribly pedantic, I know, but I think in most cases it is gauche, or socially unacceptable, rather than rude.

Original poster

shareacokethissummer · 03/08/2014 18:58

Have also had 'have you found a fella?' and when I smile vaguely and try to move the conversation on, get further quizzed.

I really don't like it. It's so rude and personal.

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 03/08/2014 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shallan · 03/08/2014 18:59

It's very rude. I nearly punched a woman at a dinner party last year because she kept on about why we didn't have children, were we going to, we should do it soon - by that point we'd been trying for a year and had two miscarriages in the 4 months leading up to that, which of course I didn't want to discuss.

Since then, one person asked and I followed my mum's suggestion - adopt a surprised expression and say "wow, that's a personal question! Do you find generally people are happy to discuss that kind of thing?" You say it lightly, but as if surprised - the person asking backed off totally that time and hopefully it made her think about this being inappropriate, but without needing to be controversial.

Only1scoop · 03/08/2014 18:59

I know this doesn't apply to Op....but my friend who is now 50 who never ever wanted children....used to get this constantly when we were younger. A few times I've seen her say when asked...."No I haven't got children....by choice" and if they asked her anything else she just used to give them a special withering look....

AnAwfullyGoodOxymoron · 03/08/2014 19:01

Goodness me though, any question you ask someone could hit a nerve with them depending on their situation that no one knows.

Agree they should really move on and not press the question though once it's been answered.

Staywithme · 03/08/2014 19:05

I've been getting this regularly since my husband had taken ill. I tell them I have two nephews that have lived with us for years and as far as we're concerned they're 'ours' and the feeling is mutual. "But do you not have any of YOUR OWN?" I feel like saying "sorry if rising the children born to fucking useless BIRTH PARENTS isn't good enough for you and I think the boys would be pissed that you don't consider them as ours!"

Voodoobooboo · 03/08/2014 19:07

It's the ones that go on and on and on that do for me. I have a DS but his Dad left us in spectacularly difficult and traumatic circumstances. I also had a sub total hysterectomy at 37. I don't have a partner and haven't had for years as I don't have time and DS doesn't need the confusion.

I find a withering look does the job. Or when really cornered, a slightly emotional lip quiver followed by a "please leave me alone, i don't want to discuss it" reminds them what intrusive, rude, unpleasant arseholes they are being. One day I am going to deliver a short, pithy, MN inspired "ODFOD"

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 03/08/2014 19:07

Ok even I being socially inept, haven't done most of these. To keep pushing or start suggesting adoption is awful.

Staywithme · 03/08/2014 19:07

"wow, that's a personal question! Do you find generally people are happy to discuss that kind of thing?"

Oh Shallan, that's a good answer, I'm going to use that, though I'll have to practice the light and breezy.

TerrifiedMothertobe · 03/08/2014 19:08

I cannot think of anything more ignorant and rude. You are not being unreasonable.

Shame you can't tell them to F off.

Original poster

shareacokethissummer · 03/08/2014 19:10

I curtly said to the woman who was asking me about finding a fella that I was too ugly and couldn't she tell!

OP posts:

WhyOWhyWouldYou · 03/08/2014 19:11

YANBU - i hate this and "when are you having the next one". Its so completely and utterly vile.

People dont know why you dont have children or why you have x many, they dont know whats has or hasnt happened.

I got asked the "when are you having the next one" 1 week after a really traumatic miscarriage. I then got asked it quite a few times whilst struggling to concieve after the miscarriage. It was heart breaking for me.

Topseyt · 03/08/2014 19:11

It is the height of rudeness and intrusiveness. It is also extremely insensitive.

I just don't get people who seem to think they have a right to ask these sorts of questions. There can be any number of reasons why people do not have children, or stop at one etc. It is no-one else's business.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 03/08/2014 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItHasANiceRingWhenYouLaugh · 03/08/2014 19:14

I always think, when I hear other people ask this, 'It's not like they forgot!'

I would love someone to reply with 'Oh My Gawd! I knew I forgot something! Quick, honey, we have to go and shag! Excuse us, must go and procreate.'

Me624 · 03/08/2014 19:17

It's soooo rude. We're ttc at the moment and so I'm probably more sensitive to it than I used to be. Worse than the usual, "when are you and DH going to have kids?" is the one I got the other day from a colleague (not even a close one!) which was, "why haven't you had kids yet me, you've been married for ages!" I couldn't believe it and told him how rude it was to ask that!

Absofrigginlootly · 03/08/2014 19:22

Hmmmm not sure I agree anawfully some questions are more loaded than others. I think there are plenty of 'safe' topics to ask people when you are just making chit chat and passing the time (such as my examples)...I don't think "why don't you have children?" Is one of them.

I agree that technically any subject could potentially be a trigger for someone but given that 1 in 6 couples suffer fertility issues I think it's more likely to be an issue for a wider number of people than asking where they're going on holiday... :)

Pipbin · 03/08/2014 19:23

When I moved house recently one colleague said to me 'so, new house, new baby?' To which I replied 'well it's not always as easy as that for everyone.' She then told me all about how her children are IVF twins! I would have thought she would have known better.
That said they always knew that they would need IVF and they conceived first go.

Purplepoodle · 03/08/2014 19:39

Bloomin rude. Raise an eyebrow and say, 'I'm single, who would I be having a baby with' they will sink into the ground.

Original poster

shareacokethissummer · 03/08/2014 20:12

Unfortunately purple they don't! Then you just get advice on dating sites, adoption and my friend was 50 then had twins.

I am not joking!

OP posts:

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