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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? (DH hates swimming)

156 replies

neighbourhoodwitch · 02/08/2014 11:24

I am so upset and think I need some perspective. We are going on holiday soon where there is a pool on site.

Me and the DCs love swimming but my DH hates it with a passion. Right now I am on a very heavy period and asked if he could take them swimming if I am still on when we get there and he said no. I got upset, saying it was not about him (couldn't he do it for the DCs?) and he said he felt like he was being badgered by me (like a bear in a cage being stabbed with a stick :-(). I was crying afterwards (he did not know), but I just cannot understand how he could not just commit to helping for my peace of mind & for the DCs enjoyment (on the off-chance I cannot go in the pool).

AIBU? In every other way he is fab (not perfect), but this is the one thing that really upsets me.

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 02/08/2014 20:38

I don't think the OP needs medicine or meddling with her cycle or whatever. I was just thinking more along the lines of 'well, swimming isn't the only thing to do on holidays, so why not do some other stuff on the first couple of days then go to the pool when it's convenient?'.

She said her partner was generally really good, and it was this one particular thing that annoyed her, not that he was a selfish arse in all ways. So with that in mind I just think it's no big deal in the grand scheme of things. No child will have their childhood ruined solely because their dad (or mum) hates swimming.

Catsize · 02/08/2014 20:39

YANBU. However, unless your 6yr old is learning to swim without armbands, as some do, I don't understand why you can't supervise from the side, especially as 11yr old likely to be there too.

Me624 · 02/08/2014 20:44

Because being on your period is a pain, particularly if you can't use tampons. I'd want to avoid it while being on holiday if I could - and I can, thanks to the miracles of modern medicine. Yes her DH ibu, but people are just trying to suggest things that will improve the op's holiday.

whatever5 · 02/08/2014 21:54

Me624- I'm sure you realise that norethisterone is a progesterone contraceptive pill. You might not experience side effects when you have used it but that doesn't mean that the OP would be free from adverse events particularly as unlike you she doesn't normally take the pill.

Mutley77 · 03/08/2014 06:54

alice - I didn't mean it lets him off the hook of being a responsible parent, i.e. meeting his children's needs. IMO getting in the water if you don't want to goes beyond being a responsible parent as these children do not need to swim on holiday. And in my experience (which is supported by reading this thread), mums are far more likely to put their own wants last when dealing with their children's wants (rather than needs).

For example at the weekend I tend to think - What are the DC doing this weekend and what will they want to do if we go out somewhere? DH is more likely to think What do I want to do?! His version would come under responsible parenting and meet the children's needs but he would be less likely to put his wants behind theirs.

treacle I do think exposure to water does encourage children to enjoy it. Obviously they don't have to be exposed (as in your case!), but if they are, and are taught to have water confidence and swim competently, it becomes enjoyable. Whereas if they are never taken swimming they won't develop a confidence and competence around water, meaning they may feel more put off by it. Also I think positive exposure is important - regular trips to the manky local pool in cold water with parents who aren't up for it probably wouldn't do the job!

My DS (now 6) spent the whole of our first family holiday in the pool when he was 2, simply because DD (four years older) was in there and clearly having a great time. Our youngest DD (now 1) sees a pool and screams to get in - with her older sibs - on our recent holiday she went down her first water slide and was sooooooooooo excited :)

AnnaFiveTowns · 03/08/2014 10:55

Yanbu at all! Can't believe most of the responses on here! I absolutely hate swimming pools - with a passion- for all the reasons mentioned on here. It's my personal hell to go to the swimming pool. BUT I have kids who love it and part of being a parent is doing things that you dislike for the sake of the kids. My husband doesn't mind swimming but I accept that I need to do my fair share and take them swimming sometimes. Sorry, but I think your DH is being thoroughly selfish and I understand why you're upset about this.

AnnaFiveTowns · 03/08/2014 11:01

And as for people advising you to take some kind if medication to delay your periods?! WTAF!!! Just so poor wickle hubby wubby doesn't have to dip his feet in that horrid swimming pool! Get a grip! He's extremely lucky that he doesn't have to do it all the time. Selfish git! (Sorry OP, I know he's your husband!)

flyingtrue · 03/08/2014 11:32

neighbourhoodwitch, a mooncup might be a much better choice for you.

Is he generally unsupportive or is this a one off? If it's the former then this issue is a lot bigger then just refusing to help with the pool.

treaclesoda · 03/08/2014 11:49

I don't get this idea that a good parent has to do things that make them utterly miserable, because it's vital for the benefit of their kids.

My parents never did things for my benefit, I think in their generation children fitted in round the adults, not the other way round. But I still had a good childhood and knew that I was loved.

I get that you have to make sacrifices, and that you have to consider the kids needs, but if there is one thing, just one thing, that you hate doing, does it really make you such an awful person to not want to do it? The OP said at the very start that he is generally very considerate, it's just the swimming pool that he doesn't 'do'.

As for exposure to something making you like it, I'm not sure about that. I was forced to play hockey once a week for many years and I hated every minute of it. If I had felt the same about swimming, and was forced to go anyway, I can't see that it would have made me like it. I don't think people who hate swimming are necessarily scared of water (although many are), sometimes they just don't like it.

ChangeIsNear · 03/08/2014 12:04

YABU. Your children can do things that your DH likes doing.

PhaedraIsMyName · 03/08/2014 12:16

Why can't you use a mooncup ?

I think you are being unreasonable. I hate swimming pools too.

whatever5 · 03/08/2014 12:17

My parents never did things for my benefit, I think in their generation children fitted in round the adults, not the other way round. But I still had a good childhood and knew that I was loved.

Are you sure your parents would agree that they never did anything for your benefit? I bet they wouldn't. My parents certainly did things for me and my sibling's benefit as did my grandparents.

PhaedraIsMyName · 03/08/2014 12:23

So you have your period now but you're not yet on holiday? Presumably you won't be bleeding from now until the end of the holidays?

whatever5 · 03/08/2014 12:27

OP has explained why she can't use a mooncup. I would be fine to not go swimming if they hadn't booked a holiday where there was a swimming pool on site. Considering that there is a swimming pool and the children normally go swimming I think it would be mean of OP's DH not to take them considering that he can swim and he doesn't have a phobia regarding pool.

sweetnessandlite · 03/08/2014 12:32

YABU
Imagine if you were scared of rides and somebody forced you to go on them.
The pressure would be enough to ruin your holiday.
Can't you take something to delay your period? Or used tampons.

treaclesoda · 03/08/2014 12:35

when I said they didn't do anything for my benefit that was a bad choice of words. Of course they did, just not in the way that is being referred to here. They didn't take me swimming, or to the cinema, or to playgrounds etc. Days out were for adults, for things that interested them. I was never 'entertained' by my parents. They were just 'there', living their life and I was living mine. It was fine.

diddl · 03/08/2014 12:38

Unless he is scared of the water, I can't see what not liking swimming has to do with supervising a non swimming 6yr old tbh.

ICanSeeTheSun · 03/08/2014 12:49

I don't like soft play, I don't like parks, I really hate children parties and hate the bedtime routines.

I still do these things for the benefit for my children.

My periods last 5/6 days so if I went away for a week during a period my DC wouldn't be able to go into the pool, but lucky for them DH would take them

whatever5 · 03/08/2014 12:52

Imagine if you were scared of rides and somebody forced you to go on them.

He's not scared though.

ICanSeeTheSun · 03/08/2014 12:55

As I read it this is nothing to do with a phobia he just don't like swimming.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 03/08/2014 16:13

Ah look, just stick arm bands on 6 yo, and supervise yourself from the side. Might motivate the child to learn to swim before next holiday. And if fuss about arm band wearing, then not allowed into the water.

You can explain away not getting into pool as having an upset tummy...

And enjoy your holiday!

Fizzyplonk · 03/08/2014 16:42

YANBU he needs to suck it up and get on with it. I'm tempted to say 'man up'!
Bloody hell your not asking him to swim in shark invested waters.
It's part of being a parent. He can do the 1st few days and you the rest.
Is he always this awkward/self centred?

Beautifullymixed · 03/08/2014 17:06

I sympathise with the OPs dh as I hate swimming too. The echo of the pool, the smell, the water in my eyes, can't wear glasses-so blind as a bat, the chlorine on my skin....

I went to Greece and it took until the second week before I went into the pool -then only twice (and mostly on a lilo ).

I have just persuaded my ds19 to come swimming with my younger ds's and I will sit on the side. I didn't want them to miss out ,but you would have to drag me into that water. I don't know where this comes from as my mother is a waterbaby and laughs at me.
Also I feel exposed in a costume and am too fat.
Sigh.

Cyclebump · 03/08/2014 17:10

I HATE swimming. I used to occasionally tolerate it and take DS but I'm nw pg with DS2 and DH takes DS1 every fortnight while I watch from the side.

If he asked me to take him when he couldn't then cried and went berserk when I said no I would be deeply unimpressed.

SoonToBeSix · 03/08/2014 17:44

If you in the middle of your period why can't you swim , the water stops the flow anyway.

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