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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? (DH hates swimming)

156 replies

neighbourhoodwitch · 02/08/2014 11:24

I am so upset and think I need some perspective. We are going on holiday soon where there is a pool on site.

Me and the DCs love swimming but my DH hates it with a passion. Right now I am on a very heavy period and asked if he could take them swimming if I am still on when we get there and he said no. I got upset, saying it was not about him (couldn't he do it for the DCs?) and he said he felt like he was being badgered by me (like a bear in a cage being stabbed with a stick :-(). I was crying afterwards (he did not know), but I just cannot understand how he could not just commit to helping for my peace of mind & for the DCs enjoyment (on the off-chance I cannot go in the pool).

AIBU? In every other way he is fab (not perfect), but this is the one thing that really upsets me.

OP posts:
whatever5 · 02/08/2014 13:46

I have often had this kind of disagreement in the past with DH regarding swimming with the children. Although I like swimming on my own I don't particularly enjoy standing in a cold crowded pool watching children swim- who does, apart from the children? I think it is one of those things you do for the children rather than for yourself and when the children were younger I insisted that we take it in turns to visit the swimming pool while on holiday with the children.

PowderMum · 02/08/2014 13:48

OP YANBU parents have to make sacrifices for our kids, if your DH can swim and only dislikes swimming pools but does not have a phobia then I'm sorry but I can't understand why he won't help.
My DM is a very weak swimmer with bad experience learning as a child and who very rarely swims but when on holiday with her young GC will supervise them in the paddling pool or in the sea, as long as they are in the shallows.

treaclesoda · 02/08/2014 13:55

calamity whilst I don't raise my own children like this, I can honestly say that I can't think of anything that my parents did when I was little specifically for my enjoyment. They didn't take me on holidays with kids activities, or take me to the beach, or the cinema or the swimming pool. It just wouldn't have occurred to them.

But I still have happy childhood memories.

Selendra · 02/08/2014 13:59

That's not TSS. That's a vasovagal reaction in the cervix, some people get it when their cervix is touched. You might or might not find the mooncup has the same effect - it sits lower down in the vagina, but some people's cervixes are really low down during periods, so you might end up touching it.

TSS is an infection where you need antibiotics.

diddl · 02/08/2014 14:05

I also think that yanbu.

I love swimming, my husband doesn't.

So he would supervise kids, from in the pool if necessary, so that I could swim.

Not liking to swim isn't quite the same as can't bear to be in/near a pool,is it?

Mutley77 · 02/08/2014 14:27

I don't think YABU as you are only expecting your DH to do something you would do yourself. But as mums I think we often do put ourselves last a lot more than dads do (perhaps it's biological/instinctive for us). So try not to judge him by your standards if you see what I mean....

But also your 6 and 11 year olds can definitely get in the pool without an adult as long as you / your DH are supervising them. Your 6 year old should either wear armbands or stay in her depth. Also your 11 year old could be called (by you) to help in an emergency in the water assuming she is a reasonably strong swimmer. While I would never rely on my DD (9) to be responsible for my DS (5) in the water, I do let them go in together without me and DD looks out for DS while I watch from the side. DS can swim but when he couldn't at age 4, it was still the same routine but he had armbands on :)

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 02/08/2014 14:36

But as mums I think we often do put ourselves last a lot more than dads do (perhaps it's biological/instinctive for us). So try not to judge him by your standards if you see what I mean....

But isn't this just letting him off the hook of parental responsibility simply because he's a man/the father? Confused

AnneElliott · 02/08/2014 14:48

YANBU OP. My DH is the same. He finds many reasons why he can't do stuff that DS wants to do. I'm not sure what the solution is. I have resigned myself to the fact that DH very often ours his wants before the rest of us.

MostWicked · 02/08/2014 15:43

Some people ARE more prone to TSS
"Most people have toxin-fighting proteins known as antibodies, which can protect the body against these toxins. However, for reasons that are unknown, a small percentage of people do not develop these specific antibodies." LINK

And use of a mooncup or tampon is not appropriate
"By adulthood most people will have immunity to this bacteria, however some will not, and there is no way of telling who is immune and who isn’t."
"Do not using any internal vaginal devices, including the Mooncup, if you have been previously diagnosed with TSS" from the Mooncup site

"Do not wear tampons if you have a personal history of toxic shock syndrome. This disease can recur."

Unless your DH has a very extreme reaction to swimming, then I do think he should put himself out to support your 6yr old, even if it just for a short time.
Obviously if he has a very extreme reaction to water, then you will have to respect his difficulties.

treaclesoda · 02/08/2014 16:01

my apologies, I posted earlier that Mooncups weren't associated with increased risk of tss, as that is what I had read (I think on the mooncup packaging?). Which I think is correct for people in general ie who have never had tss. I didn't realise that it's unsuitable if you have previously had tss. So, statement retracted, I was wrong about that.

Numanoid · 02/08/2014 16:09

YABU and a huge overreaction. Even if it's a simple fact of he really doesn't like swimming, he shouldn't have to do it. Especially on holiday when everyone is meant to be relaxing. Who wants to do something they don't enjoy on holiday?

Although it would be easy enough for one or both of you to sit by the pool when the kids are in, and keep an eye on them. The kids can still go swimming that way.

Twooter · 02/08/2014 16:10

I wouldn't leave a 6 yo non swimmer to play in a pool by themselves even monitored from the side. Where's the fun in that for them? What happens if they stray out of their depth?

CrohnicallyDepressed · 02/08/2014 16:26

YANBU. There's quite a few things that I don't particularly enjoy doing, such as singing endless rounds of wind the bloody bobbin up and wrestling a toddler out of a dirty nappy into a clean one. But I do it in the first instance because DD enjoys it and in the second instance because it's needed. In fact, I'm emetophobic and even 'slept' on her bedroom floor the night she had rotavirus and kept throwing up.

There are some things you just have to suck up for the sake of your children, and if he doesn't have a genuine reason why he can't take them swimming (like you do) he should.

Numanoid · 02/08/2014 16:53

OP, why doesn't your husband go swimming? It would be easier to figure this out if we knew. :) Does he have a phobia? Is he allergic to, say, chlorine? Or does he just not like swimming?

Also, would your DC be bothered by not swimming? Maybe they would be fine going without. Lots of kids don't get to go on holidays where there's a pool onsite, so there will be plenty of other things for them to do.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 02/08/2014 17:11

The OP has said he can swim, so I'd think that would most likely rule out a phobia (or else how would he have learned?) or an allergy to chlorine.

Suttonmum1 · 02/08/2014 19:32

For those who won't swim due to wearing glasses, get a strap that will hold them on! I swim all the time with my glasses on, usually with no strap, but if in the sea then I just use a strap for safety. Could even use strap on your spare pair (most people have an old pair they keep as a spare).

Just ordered a couple of straps for my kids to keep their sunglasses on when they windsurf. £2.50 each on Amazon

Also, how do these problems with swimming start - from not doing it regularly enough as a kid. If he doesn't want to pass the problem on then he needs to show a better example.

whatever5 · 02/08/2014 19:41

Suttonmum1 -prescription goggles would be much better than wear glasses in the water.

treaclesoda · 02/08/2014 19:42

I'm not sure of the logic of that, why would going swimming more as a child make people enjoy it more as an adult?

I love swimming but I come from a large family all of whom hated it as children and hate it now. None of my siblings can swim and none of their offspring can swim. They're all fine with that. They're not stupid but they've all made the decision that it's a skill that they don't value - they don't go to the pool, or sunshine type holidays, or to the beach etc, so I guess they think it's no big deal.

Sausages123 · 02/08/2014 19:47

No idea what the answer is but I have the same problem, my H just tells me that not going swimming frequently never did him any harm (which is questionable) I find myself doing things I dislike a lot for my children (going to soft play as an example) and I don't understand why he can't do the same.

SugarMouse1 · 02/08/2014 20:01

Couldn't the 6 yr old just use ambands and you supervise from the side?

Mooncup, menstrual sponges? if period is heavy, get tablets from boots to Make it lighter and get in and out of pool quickly with nothing?

ApocalypseNowt · 02/08/2014 20:13

YANBU OP.

I don't like swimming so when we're at home DH takes DD (as he loves swimming and is very good at it). However when we're on holiday we both muck in. Tbh as DD1 is 2.5 and DD2 is 6mo no actual swimming takes place so i am perfectly capable of getting in the pool and playing/supervising them.

In fact it's the only time i really enjoy the pool - seeing how happy they are splashing in the pool all day is lovely!

I think your dh is being very selfish.

Dieu · 02/08/2014 20:20

I think he should man up.

EssenceOfGelfling · 02/08/2014 20:30

Personally I think YANBU. If only we could swap and men could have periods... even just once!

Ways around it if you don't want to push if further with DH:

Can you find a local 'splash pool' i.e. not deep, that they can cool off in and you can paddle in?

At the hotel, can you wear shorts and a top you don't mind getting wet and sit on the edge of the pool dipping your legs in to supervise the 6 yr old in armbands/flotation device in the shallow end?

Is the sea shallow enough for you to paddle in with clothes on and jump the waves, etc? The sea would also be less obvious if you had a leak / clothes got a bit wet and messy?

Hope you can relax and enjoy your holiday and this doesn't ruin the mood for you.

Me624 · 02/08/2014 20:31

Norethisterone. Ask your GP for it - it will stop a period that's already started as well as prevent one from coming that's due. Surely regardless of the swimming thing it will be much nicer for you not to be on during your holiday? I've used it a few times in the past when I had to come off the pill for various reasons.

rookiemater · 02/08/2014 20:31

YANBU. I find it quite sad that you are being encouraged to take unnecessary medication or effectively suck it up and go to the pool potentially bleeding heavily and just hope everything will be ok.

I can see that the DH doesn't like going to the pool - fair enough, but can't he be the one standing at the side overseeing. If 11 year old can swim and 6 year old has buoyancy aid/swimsuit then he doesn't need to get in, but there does need to be a responsible adult who is prepared to get in the pool if need be on constant watch.

There are many things that one does as a parent that one wouldn't choose to. I hate water parks and don't do flumes, but I go along with DH and DS as it makes the day more enjoyable for DS. I also don't do rollercoasters but have still been to many theme parks and go on the tamer rides and/or watch DS and DH on the rides - not sure what I'd do if DH wasn't keen - bribe another adult to go with us I suppose.

In this case the DH doesn't have to swim - he just has to supervise. In many of these places the whole point of going is the water park, OP doesn't get to choose when to have her period and frankly when there is a fully functioning other parent I find it weird that people are talking about going to the doctor to defer it or other solutions when all he has to do is stand there and watch.