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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? (DH hates swimming)

156 replies

neighbourhoodwitch · 02/08/2014 11:24

I am so upset and think I need some perspective. We are going on holiday soon where there is a pool on site.

Me and the DCs love swimming but my DH hates it with a passion. Right now I am on a very heavy period and asked if he could take them swimming if I am still on when we get there and he said no. I got upset, saying it was not about him (couldn't he do it for the DCs?) and he said he felt like he was being badgered by me (like a bear in a cage being stabbed with a stick :-(). I was crying afterwards (he did not know), but I just cannot understand how he could not just commit to helping for my peace of mind & for the DCs enjoyment (on the off-chance I cannot go in the pool).

AIBU? In every other way he is fab (not perfect), but this is the one thing that really upsets me.

OP posts:
Original poster
neighbourhoodwitch · 02/08/2014 12:19

Lemonsole - sorry, meant to say sorry about the 9 days in :-)

Hamptoncourt - thanks; perhaps I did overreact - more the way I was spoken to and the perceived lack of support. Gosh I do so may things with them that I'd rather not do. Thanks for your comments.

Cheeryname - absolutely. The older one wanted to see 'the fault in our stars' recently. DH so did not want to go, I did not either but went. Just one example.

OP posts:
Original poster
neighbourhoodwitch · 02/08/2014 12:21

Thank you, the cageisfull.

OP posts:
Scrumbled · 02/08/2014 12:21

I feel differently to most of the other replies. If it's a case of strongly not liking rather than a water phobia. I'd expect my dp to get on with it for a day or so. I have the same expectation of myself and frequently as a parent have had to get on with something.

I can't imagine spending lots of money on a holiday, see the sun beaming down on a blue pool and then tell my children that they can't use it for a while. After a sight seeing visit in 30 degrees, dripping with sweat most 6 year olds would dearly love to jump in and play.

With a 6 year old it's a case of standing in the shallow end with them, or sit on the side ready to give assistance.

Obviously I can't judge exactly how much your partner hates it.

ravenAK · 02/08/2014 12:21

I have this with my dh - except he can't even stand watching from the sides!

It's the echoes, smell of chlorine, clammy warmth - takes him straight back to being a bullied fat kid & enduring miserable school swimming lessons.

I can't argue given my dentist phobia & tendency to come over all peculiar in waiting rooms - we all have our inconvenient 'hates with a passion' things, & if it's not absolutely essential to overcome it then I don't think anyone should feel obliged to.

we've compromised so that dh takes them to swimming lessons, but drops them off & waits in the car/goes shopping, but any 'fun' swimming is always going to be under my supervision.

I'd suggest you try the mooncup/tranexamic acid suggestions. Other than that, it's annoying but I'd let it go...

Twooter · 02/08/2014 12:22

yanbu on the basis that its a life skill and a holiday with a pool is the ideal opportunity for their swimming to improve in leaps and bounds. It's not like you're asking him so that you can just relax - you have a very good excuse. Your dh is being an ars.

DikTrom · 02/08/2014 12:22

YABU but could you just use a tampon to go swimming and remove it straight after?
Alternatively, there are inflatable swimsuits to increase buoyancy. You can probably buy them online. I think they are called the easyswim method. This would make your six year old safer especially if he is only in the water with the 10 year old and you at the side of the pool. You can also get other types of floats or he can use a bodyboard as float.

Original poster
neighbourhoodwitch · 02/08/2014 12:28

Thanks raven, twooter and scrumbled. DikTrom - thanks & I wish I could but if I use a tampon I immediately feel very very ill (Toxic Shock Syndrome) so I just can't.

It is annoying - for the last 3 months I have been religiously taking the little one to swimming lessons (I was hoping she'd be swimming by now), but she is still not 'ready.' Fair enough, but I was just hoping she'd be swimming by now. Ho hum.

OP posts:
blueemerald · 02/08/2014 12:31

My mum nearly drowned as a child and has/had a paralysing fear/hatred of water so my dad did all the swimming with us. When my dad died she took over straight away because she realised that being a parent means you have to make sacrifices. She'd never list swimming as a hobby but she swan with my brothers and I every holiday. It's one of the many things I admire her for.

If OP's partner was saying he loved sleep/hated waking up at night so OP would do all night shifts with the babies, would that be fair?

DikTrom · 02/08/2014 12:33

Easyswim.com

Special swimsuits to increase buoyancy maybe you can find them on ebay, amazon etc. as well.

VSeth · 02/08/2014 12:35

If you get TSS don't try a Mooncup.

For the days that you cant go in.pool could you do activity away from the pool? My DH can't go in the pool due to medical condition and I understand how you feel. It feels like I am picking up more responsibility because of it and he gets a lie in on a Sunday when we go to the pool!

On holiday we spent some time in pool and other days away completely doing other stuff. Maybe you can plan similar?

Yanbu to have asked. If you are like me then the planning and packing is a time

CheeryName · 02/08/2014 12:36

If the 6yo is having lessons then I wouldn't get them a float suit as it won't be the same as how they've been learning to swim.

Toxic shock syndrome is bloody scary, my friend had it, I wouldn't fancy testing out a mooncup on hols under those circumstances.

The really simple answer is for the husband to stop being so lazy and selfish.

MrsWinnibago · 02/08/2014 12:37

What do you mean you "get toxic shock syndrome"? Confused that's a one off infection caused by leaving them in too long...it's not something people can be predisposed to.

Jinsei · 02/08/2014 12:39

mrsW, I can understand why anyone who has suffered once with TSS might wish to avoid using tampons ever again.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 12:40

Presumably, you will be at the latter end of your period. You can use tampons if you want to swim or mooncup as suggested by pp. It's in a pool, there will be no sharks.

You're being completely unreasonable to insist that your husband swims when he hates swimming (presumably hates the water/pool).

This seems to be much more about exerting control and determining how far you can push/how much your husband loves you. I really wouln't pursue it because it is a ridiculous notion and you're being extremely unfair. The net result could be a completely spoiled holiday.

GnomeDePlume · 02/08/2014 12:41

Second the Tranexamic Acid option. You can also get it on line here

Not everyone can use tampons/mooncups etc.

Original poster
neighbourhoodwitch · 02/08/2014 12:41

Mrs W - my GP told me that was what it was, so I can only say that and tell you that when I insert a tampon my temperature goes through the roof and I feel nauseous and fall over. Perhaps they got the diagnosis wrong, I do not know - but it is terrifying and that is what the GP said.

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 12:41

Agree with MrsWinnibago about TSS. I think it's also very misleading to portray it as something that you become prone too; you don't.

Original poster
neighbourhoodwitch · 02/08/2014 12:42

Thanks again all for your helpful comments and suggestions.

OP posts:
Pyjamaramadrama · 02/08/2014 12:46

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that yanbu. Unless he has a phobia or some other very good reason to be afraid of water.

Holidays are often all about the pool and the kids will be desperate to go in.

However, having said all that, I think you're daft not to just tell the kids you're on your period, and I think it's daft not to let them go in the pool alone. The little one can wear armbands and you can stay closeby.

I hate wearing a costume/bikini, I also think pools are smelly and dirty, dp thinks he's fat too, but sometimes you have to just get over yourself for your kids.

Swimming is an important life skill and good exercise.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/08/2014 12:46

Have just read about tampon use for you, OP and sorry, it's obviously not suitable. I read your OP without reading the rest because it's in pages again and my phone is slow.

You sound 'pushier' in your OP than you do in your latter posts so maybe it wasn't as bad as portrayed.

I might try the Transexamic Acid option myself, it sounds worth a try.

allcatsaregrey · 02/08/2014 12:47

I don't think you are unreasonable is it really too much to ask that a dad take his kids swimming on holiday. Why should she have to take medication and mess with her body just cos he doesn't like swimming. I hate the park and swimming but I still take my kids.

treaclesoda · 02/08/2014 12:49

Mooncups are not associated with tss. That's not really to the OP, just a general point!

My DH hasn't been in a swimming pool in the 20 years I've known him. In his case he is very self conscious about body hair. He is actually not as hairy as he thinks he is, but having heard some of the cruel comments people make about hairy men, I can't say I blame him. I wouldn't even ask him to, tbh. He does other things with them that I don't enjoy (eg cinema trips).

My parents never in my life took me to the swimming pool as a child and I'm an adult who is a strong swimmer (I learnt at lessons but they never took me themselves for 'fun'), so it's not the case that you can't learn to swim without your parents taking you in.

Idontseeanyicegiants · 02/08/2014 12:50

YANBU, Dh has a real fear of swimming mainly because of his eyesight (glaucoma, obviously can't wear glasses and contacts and chlorine irritate his eyes), he's basically blind in the pool which has caused a near drowning on one memorable occasion. He also floats like a brick btw.
However when he realised that we would be taking 3 children to various pools - 2 of which have inherited his floating skills despite hours of lessons he made a real effort to get over it and is doing wonderfully well Smile
He can't be responsible for our youngest non swimmer yet and I have to take someone else with me until he becomes more confident but I'm bloody proud of him.
If a partially blind man with a pre disposition to sinking can do it then I'm sure your DH can.

Original poster
neighbourhoodwitch · 02/08/2014 12:52

Thanks pyjama - I honestly don't know why he hates it so much!!

Lying witch - thank you so much. Sorry if I sounded 'pushy' at first (probably upset more than anything - I am seriously too soft/ sensitive for my own good!) Thankyou.

allcats - thanks.

Thanks again everybody; I really appreciate your comments - all of them.

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Original poster
neighbourhoodwitch · 02/08/2014 12:53

Thanks treacle and giants - I have only just seen your posts.

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