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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with PIL for drunkenly hurting one of our DC again?

133 replies

TractorTam · 01/08/2014 22:52

Today was BILs wedding. I'm currently sitting in the hotel room with my toddler, DD and DSD trying desperately to keep DSD awake as she had a big bump to the head tonight thanks to MIL. MIL was standing in front of a concrete post and kept encouraging DSD to run into her arms, then one of the times she just moved out of the way at the last second and DSD ran into the post at full speed, banging her head, then her mouth on a nearby table on the way down. She's been too upset to let me look at her mouth properly but I think she may have dislodged one of her adult teeth Sad After it happened, MIL told her 'this is what happens when you get over-excited' Confused

At Christmas there was a family gathering and FIL was playing with DD, throwing her up a little and catching her. Then he missed, she banged her eye on a radiator and ended up with a black eye. MIL has also dropped my toddler but luckily I was able to grab her before she hit the floor.

I might be able to excuse these as accidents were it not for the fact that a) they never apologise or accept blame b) they turn it around to be the DCs fault but most importantly c) they have had copious amounts of alcohol before these 'accidents' happen.

Poor DSD has been distraught about her tooth potentially coming out as it's a front adult one and DH joined in with MILs blaming of her and said she should know not to play with people who have been drinking Hmm I said it was MILs responsibility to not play such games if shes been drinking and in no way DSDs fault. No doubt they've all forgotten about it downstairs while DSD is still sobbing into my tummy as we watch Frozen.

PIL are supposed to be having the DCs in a few months as I'm pregnant but knowing they'll probably have a drink to celebrate the birth (and drink most days anyway) I'm feeling extremely reluctant to leave them with them. AIBU to be furious with them?

OP posts:
Mumzy · 02/08/2014 07:52

Unconfrontational!

Original poster
TractorTam · 02/08/2014 09:50

Of course DSDs mum will be told she was injured but it'll be by DH when he returns her. Her mum hasn't ever spoken to me. I'm sure she knows what PIL are like and will draw her own conclusions.

Off to the dentist with DSD now, DH still not surfaced and not answering his phone so not sure there's much Ican do oother than have her checked as obviously I can't consent to work being done.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 02/08/2014 10:10

Tractor, does your DH have a drink problem would you say?
It's very odd that he continued drinking after his DD was badly hurt and is still incommunicado.

CornChips · 02/08/2014 10:21

Thanks OP. How exceedingly crap for you and your DSD.

Pagwatch · 02/08/2014 10:23

I actually would be telling the DC that they can't play with their grandparents when they have been drinking.

You are being sucked into an environment where excessive drinking/alcoholism is not talked about. You are becoming part of that and drawing your children in.
When something goes on in a family that no one talks about, no one is honest about, it festers.

If you are anxious at the thought of saying 'I'm sorry dsd, you can't play that game with granny, she's had a few drinks and you might get hurt. When people drink lots of alcohol they can get clumsy and muddled' then you are being sucked in. It's not healthy.

BrieAndChilli · 02/08/2014 10:23

Hopefully the tooth will be ok, dd collided with a little
Boy at school so hard that he had tooth marks in his head and her gum went black as well as a huge fat lip. The tooth also went grey but it's now back to normal and although as it's a milk tooth so we weren't too worried if it did come out we were concerned about the adult tooth but dentist says it's fine.

edamsavestheday · 02/08/2014 10:30

Wow. Hope your dd's tooth will be OK.

I wouldn't let the grandparents have any access, to be honest. Don't let dh take the kids there if the grandparents are so irresponsible.

MsVenus · 02/08/2014 10:33

That sounds deliberate and I would be very tempted to call 101 and report the viscious bitch to the police for harming a child. It might give her a shock to the system, particularly as she cant deny saying serves her right.

ChasedByBees · 02/08/2014 10:37

Bastards, the lot of them.

I hope her tooth is ok.

OP, whatever fall out will happen from you saying that they can't be left with your children will just have to happen - they are injuring your children and don't care how upset they are. That is not the actions of a caring parent or grandparent. You would be complicit if you didn't take action to protect them

As an aside, if my child came home with damage to her adult tooth and I hadn't been informed - and certainly if I got a whiff of the true story - I would stop contact. So the damage may have been done on that front already.

magoria · 02/08/2014 10:43

As he did with you your H will minimise his mothers part and this child will be blamed.

Her mother has every right to stop access until she knows this child's bloody father will protect her.

That this child's mother goes out drinking when she doesn't have her is nothing to judge.

ihatethecold · 02/08/2014 11:02

Why are you r

ihatethecold · 02/08/2014 11:04

Why are you ringing your dh when he is in the same house?
Just go wake him up and tell him he needs to take his dd to get medical treatment.
Ffs. What a rediciulous situation.

Dinosaurporn · 02/08/2014 11:21

You said that you called your DSD's Mum last night, why on earth haven't you called her this morning so she have have medical treatment?

The more this carries on the more complicit you sound.

Original poster
TractorTam · 02/08/2014 11:28

Saying she goes out wasn't a judgment magoria, it's a statement of fact as to why she wasn't answering the phone. Which she still isn't. The dentist didn't need to do anything, luckily.

MIL did console DSD chased, but it was cuddles along with 'you were getting too excited', 'you get clumsy when you're tired' etc

OP posts:
DennyDifferent · 02/08/2014 11:30

OP it sounds like you are doing your best for DSD to me. It must be very hard, as the adult with the least parental responsibility for DSD to be left in this situation. Could you phone DSD's mum and see what she wants to do, would be a shame if she has to go to the dentist if they can't actually treat her, could mum come and collect her, or you drop her off to mum so she can take her to the dentist herself? That way maybe you can have an honest talk face to face about your concerns.

Hope DSD recovers soon. x

DennyDifferent · 02/08/2014 11:32

Glad she didn't need treatment OP! Whilst the drunks are sleeping it off, could you take the kids out and have a lovely day together? You both deserve a treat I would say after a difficult night!

MummaB1014 · 02/08/2014 11:34

My goodness! What is wrong with some of you!

The facts are the following as far as I can tell:

Op witnessed this event and has done everything to comfort DSD without causing a huge argument in front of the children at a family wedding.

Op has examined DSD and has deemed that while injury needs seeing to, it was not a life/death/maimed for eternity situation.

Op informed DSD's father of situation, and attempted to contact DSD's mother also.

Op sat and comforted DSD and her own children throughout the night, alone, and is tackling the situation this morning.

What would you have her do? I agree with most of you saying that the DC should not be left with GP's if they can't resist a drink, and that OP needs to stand firm with her DH on the matter. But give her a break! What would having it out there and then have achieved except upset the children further? You cannot reason with drunk people and there is little point trying.

Op I hope your DSD is ok and that you get things sorted for the sake of your family. Please do keep us updated. Best of luck.

petalsandstars · 02/08/2014 11:36

They were at a wedding - I assumed it was a hotel room.

Have you considered hiring a doula- then you'd not be alone for the birth.

Primadonnagirl · 02/08/2014 11:47

" have you considered hiring a doula " ...only on Mumsnet! That's like one of those quotes from the overheard in Waitrose website!

OP ..you sound like a very loving and caring stepmum.Unfortunately, when I was little I grew up in similar circs..very often surrounded by drunk adults who should be caring for me. It was very scary and has affected me in adulthood. You have to talk to DH about who things need to change for the sake of your young family. Not easy I know but please do it.

Pagwatch · 02/08/2014 12:00

The op is in a horrible situation and is doing her best. I grew up with an adult who drank and we all had to pretend it wasn't happening. It's an awful cycle to try and break.

millimurphy · 02/08/2014 12:01

Can you hire childminders for things like labour?

GarlicAugustus · 02/08/2014 14:24

I grew up with an adult who drank and we all had to pretend it wasn't happening.

YY. As others have also said, problem drinkers deny the problem. Hence why they have to blame anyone else for the consequences of their drinking, even children (or inanimate objects.)

There's nothing anybody else can do about this, but it's screamingly important not to get drawn into the denial: tempting as it is for a quiet life, stuff just keeps getting worse and you end up feeling trapped by it - children included. I would have a clear chat with the kids about adults drinking too much, and that it's dangerous for them. It's not really fair on them, true - but neither is being tricked by a trusted adult into smashing your face against a concrete pillar. Their trust will have to be limited.

MyFairyKing · 02/08/2014 14:46

Poor you, OP and your poor little DSD. I'm glad the dentist doesn't feel there is anything to be done and I hope she's ok this afternoon. I, too, think you've had a rough ride on this thread. It's obviously you are doing your best in a very difficult situation.

Do you have any real life support, any friends or even acquaintances? Your ILs sound like the family from nightmares and it must be isolating.

EverythingCounts · 02/08/2014 15:01

I agree OP has really tried hard to deal with this the best she can. I also think though, OP, that you would be totally justified in getting really angry about this on your DSD's and DC's behalf. They are the ones being hurt/neglected here - it doesn't matter if it's not serious, it is happening and could be avoided, except that the adults around them are minimising it and putting the rights of themselves to drink above their responsibilities to those kids. You are not obliged to protect your husband and in-laws, or to feel you have to 'play nice' and not embarrass them or make it awkward for them. They've brought that on themselves.

Chiana · 02/08/2014 16:00

MIL did console DSD chased, but it was cuddles along with 'you were getting too excited', 'you get clumsy when you're tired' etc

What an absolute cow your MIL is, OP. In fact, I can think of another word for her, but it's a very unpleasant word word I absolutely refuse to say, and I'm not going to type it either. But I'm thinking it, very loudly inside my head.

Good luck! You're going to need it.

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