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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with PIL for drunkenly hurting one of our DC again?

133 replies

TractorTam · 01/08/2014 22:52

Today was BILs wedding. I'm currently sitting in the hotel room with my toddler, DD and DSD trying desperately to keep DSD awake as she had a big bump to the head tonight thanks to MIL. MIL was standing in front of a concrete post and kept encouraging DSD to run into her arms, then one of the times she just moved out of the way at the last second and DSD ran into the post at full speed, banging her head, then her mouth on a nearby table on the way down. She's been too upset to let me look at her mouth properly but I think she may have dislodged one of her adult teeth Sad After it happened, MIL told her 'this is what happens when you get over-excited' Confused

At Christmas there was a family gathering and FIL was playing with DD, throwing her up a little and catching her. Then he missed, she banged her eye on a radiator and ended up with a black eye. MIL has also dropped my toddler but luckily I was able to grab her before she hit the floor.

I might be able to excuse these as accidents were it not for the fact that a) they never apologise or accept blame b) they turn it around to be the DCs fault but most importantly c) they have had copious amounts of alcohol before these 'accidents' happen.

Poor DSD has been distraught about her tooth potentially coming out as it's a front adult one and DH joined in with MILs blaming of her and said she should know not to play with people who have been drinking Hmm I said it was MILs responsibility to not play such games if shes been drinking and in no way DSDs fault. No doubt they've all forgotten about it downstairs while DSD is still sobbing into my tummy as we watch Frozen.

PIL are supposed to be having the DCs in a few months as I'm pregnant but knowing they'll probably have a drink to celebrate the birth (and drink most days anyway) I'm feeling extremely reluctant to leave them with them. AIBU to be furious with them?

OP posts:
slithytove · 02/08/2014 00:40

I would also get DSD's mum involved. If your two of you are onside, maybe DH will stop being a dick when it comes to PIL.

slithytove · 02/08/2014 00:40

*the two of you

Chippednailvarnish · 02/08/2014 00:41

I'm leaving this tread because you are now minimising and changing the story.

I really sincerely hope that the blameless children in this mess don't suffer any more.

Original poster
TractorTam · 02/08/2014 00:42

I think when he's sober he will see sense. To be fair to him, he didn't see what happened so assumed DSD was being too boisterous with MIL after what MIL said. I wasn't about to argue it out, I was more concerned with helping DSD.

OP posts:
hashtagwhatever · 02/08/2014 00:47

Who actually looks out for these children.

Dh and pil dont, and you seem to be more worried about what they will say rather than stopping the dc getting injured.

ADishBestEatenCold · 02/08/2014 00:49

Actually, now I've had time to have a bit of a think, TractorTam, I think you should call your DSD's mother now.

Tell her what happened and give her the opportunity to collect her daughter tonight (or first thing in the morning).

As you have said, your DH drinks to excess too when with his parents, and because she's not your DD you can't really stop their behavior. Your DH is obviously not up to job of protecting his daughter, so the little girl's mother is the only person who can call a halt to all this and should be called now.

Original poster
TractorTam · 02/08/2014 00:49

Where have I said I care what PIL and DH say? I care about how I explain to DD that she can't be left with GPs without saying they drink too much to be responsible.

OP posts:
Original poster
TractorTam · 02/08/2014 00:51

Her mum is probably just as drunk aDish, as she goes out whenever she doesn't have DSD. I tried calling when it first happened and she didn't answer. DSD said she didn't want to go home, any way.

OP posts:
Original poster
TractorTam · 02/08/2014 00:53

Or never mind being left with them, why she can no longer even play with them!

OP posts:
LizLimone · 02/08/2014 00:53

Can't you just ask a friend or even hire a babysitter for the birth! I live abroad and both ILs and own family are 1,000s of miles away and won't travel so there is no family to take care of DS while I have DC2 in three months. I have already asked a friend to be on standby to take DS and have a regular babysitter I can ask as well. Lots of people manage to have DC without rely

MiscellaneousAssortment · 02/08/2014 00:54

You seem very passive about all this, accepting of it almost, like there's nothing you can do. That is the most concerning thing about this thread.

I wonder how it got to be that you are so worried about the pil injuring the children, yet you don't think it's a choice to speak out about it?

LizLimone · 02/08/2014 00:55

relying on family to help out!

Your PILS are not safe to trust with children at all so I would look into other options for the birth. I'm amazed by your DH's attitude to his DD getting injured too. Does her mother know he is that blasé about her safety?

hashtagwhatever · 02/08/2014 01:01

You said that you are called out for hovering over the younger dc, so doing the same to the 8yo wouldn't go down well.

I don't think anything has to be explained to the dc but it definitely does to dh and his parents. Imagine a worse injury occurring because of their behaviour. You'd feel awfu.

NickiFury · 02/08/2014 01:09

Tell her mother, if I found out that had happened and it had been kept from me I would go ballistic.

Mind you I think there's every chance I would have completely lost in with your MIL.

I would never leave them with the in laws again and H would be wearing his balls as earrings ( figuratively obviously)

Toxic disgusting people blaming a child for that. I'm truly shocked by this thread. Don't let them brow beat you over this, you're in the RIGHT.

runawaysimba · 02/08/2014 01:14

If DSD's mum might withdraw contact over this, is that a line of argument with your H? "H, if you don't address your parents' behaviour, you could lose DSD."? Would that make him take it more seriously?
My DP's ex had serious problems with the PILs and to this day is reluctant to let DSD spend much time with them and I have to say that's made my life easier, as I'm not a fan of them either. DP might not have taken me as seriously as his ex, who could threaten to make access difficult.
Might work out for you to take a similar route?

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 02/08/2014 01:17

I really think you should get DSD medical attention. A bang to the head can be very serious and, unless you are a doctor, you can't be completely sure that the injury hasn't done some damage.

I don't usually say this, but I really think your SD might be better off if contact is stopped once her mother finds out about this incident. Sad

sashh · 02/08/2014 03:52

But how do i exexplain that to the DC without saying GPs drink too much?

You tell them that the GP drink too much.

If dh expects his dd to know when someone has had too much to drink then he is an idiot, a child should not experience adults too drunk to care for them let alone be able to tell they are drunk.

Chiana · 02/08/2014 04:16

Please get DSD medical attention and dental attention ASAP. As others have said, there could be serious medical and/or dental consequences to this accident. If you act ASAP, you can still save the tooth, when she might otherwise lose it.

And tomorrow, tell her mother exactly what happened. She deserves to know. If you and DH were ever to split up and he were with a new partner, wouldn't you want her to tell you what the PIL were up to? The children in this situation are being injured, repeatedly. It's your duty to speak up. I don't mean to sound nasty, but you really have no choice but to speak up. What happens if the next drunken incident results in a more serious injury or death to a child? You'd never forgive yourself.

Can you hire a childminder to look after the kids at the birth? Also, do PIL drink and drive? Are they ever in charge of your DCs and a vehicle at the same time?

GarlicAugustus · 02/08/2014 04:33

What your MIL did tonight was unforgivable. She's a vicious bastard. Drunk or sober, makes no difference. The other incidents sound like accidents but, with this in the picture, may not have been. Your DH's reaction suggests he was expected to take responsibility when his parents caused him to get hurt, as well, and is desensitised to their horrible behaviour.

Get your head out of the sand, and some medical attention for the child.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 02/08/2014 06:09

If that had happened to my child, I'd be steaming bloody angry and yes your DSD needs medical attention, she could lose her tooth if its left.

I'd also be having words with DH over his stupidity and how none of the children are being left with PIL's again.

CinderellaRockefeller · 02/08/2014 06:27

I don't understand how you're going to keep it from the mother anyway? If my dd came home with serious facial injuries I would notice! And dsd might think it's her fault, but once she's explained what happened even with a twisted spin on it, then all hell is going to break loose anyway. Better you and you DH look like you're dealing with it than that you're brushing it under the carpet

Mumof3xox · 02/08/2014 06:32

Awful situation

I defently wouldn't be leaving dc with them when you have baby

My pil drink a lot. Because he has been brought up like that my dp doesn't always seem to get how wrong it is. But they don't have dc without someone else present and thankfully there haven't been any accidents

chocolatemademefat · 02/08/2014 07:33

The family of my DH were massive drinkers causing untold damage throughout the family. I was never much of a drinker and realised early on this wasn't what I wanted my DC to see. I took a big step away from them and let my DH make up his own mind.
In time he realised they would never improve and rarely saw them - but it was his choice.

You have to arrange someone else to be with your children when your new baby is born. It may seem impossible now but if there's anyone at all you could ask explain the situation to them honestly. I wouldn't be sparing the in-laws blushes - they've chosen their life style.

And when your DH is sober tell him you are not prepared to put the DC's health at risk for his DP's amusement. The DC's need you to protect them and that has to be your first priority - not the feelings of a few drunks who'll do anything for a laugh.

I hope your DSD's tooth is okay but I would be getting her to a dentist ASAP.

43percentburnt · 02/08/2014 07:41

Hi I hope your dsd is okay, you obviously care for her very much. You need to tell her mum as dsd is likely to tell her anyway. Yes mum may reduce or ask for different access arrangements. Maybe she will stop her seeing her grandparents but that sounds like a good thing anyway.

Daft question but would dsd mum look after the children when you have baby? Presumably she is a responsible person and from what you say she wouldn't have her dd around your dh or pil if they are being irresponsible. Especially when you explain what happened yesterday, how you spent the night checking on dsd and rousing her etc. maybe she would help out.

Mumzy · 02/08/2014 07:52

I'm totally up confrontational except when it comes to the safety and well being of my family especially my Dcs. I think if you stood up to your pils and dh now big time they will see you mean business and not cross that line with your Dcs again. I would put up with snide remarks and being talked about behind my back if it meant my Dcs were safe. I agree with others that I think your dh doesn't see how his dps behaviour is totally unacceptable. For the record I cracked my front tooth in a playground as a child and my dps did nothing about it. It affected my confidence and I had it repaired as soon as could when I was an adult but it cost me £500

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