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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be furious with PIL for drunkenly hurting one of our DC again?

133 replies

TractorTam · 01/08/2014 22:52

Today was BILs wedding. I'm currently sitting in the hotel room with my toddler, DD and DSD trying desperately to keep DSD awake as she had a big bump to the head tonight thanks to MIL. MIL was standing in front of a concrete post and kept encouraging DSD to run into her arms, then one of the times she just moved out of the way at the last second and DSD ran into the post at full speed, banging her head, then her mouth on a nearby table on the way down. She's been too upset to let me look at her mouth properly but I think she may have dislodged one of her adult teeth Sad After it happened, MIL told her 'this is what happens when you get over-excited' Confused

At Christmas there was a family gathering and FIL was playing with DD, throwing her up a little and catching her. Then he missed, she banged her eye on a radiator and ended up with a black eye. MIL has also dropped my toddler but luckily I was able to grab her before she hit the floor.

I might be able to excuse these as accidents were it not for the fact that a) they never apologise or accept blame b) they turn it around to be the DCs fault but most importantly c) they have had copious amounts of alcohol before these 'accidents' happen.

Poor DSD has been distraught about her tooth potentially coming out as it's a front adult one and DH joined in with MILs blaming of her and said she should know not to play with people who have been drinking Hmm I said it was MILs responsibility to not play such games if shes been drinking and in no way DSDs fault. No doubt they've all forgotten about it downstairs while DSD is still sobbing into my tummy as we watch Frozen.

PIL are supposed to be having the DCs in a few months as I'm pregnant but knowing they'll probably have a drink to celebrate the birth (and drink most days anyway) I'm feeling extremely reluctant to leave them with them. AIBU to be furious with them?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 01/08/2014 23:39

When my children are around them, i would be extra vigilant and on my guard.

MyPrettyToes · 01/08/2014 23:40

YANBU to be furious with them.

It is now up to you to make sure this does not occur again. You know your PIL drink too much and when they do they hurt your dc, you know your husband will not protect them and likely to blame them if something does happen. You must find an alternative child care solution for the birth. Your dc are vulnerable and will likely be hurt again, next time it could be a lot worse.

I agree with PP, that you should get your dsd properly assessed.

ADishBestEatenCold · 01/08/2014 23:40

With regards to the tooth, I know everyone's experiences are different, but if the tooth is in situ (even if loose) then it's usually not immediately treated, but left to 'tighten' up (if very loose, this is sometimes done with a splint).
Lots of care needs to be taken during this period (soft foods, etc) and often the tooth can recover by itself (but this would need supervised by a dentist).
Sometimes, even though it tightens up completely, the blow kills the tooth, but even then it can often be root treated and 'saved' ... although in a child the root won't be fully formed and will need treatment to 'close' it.

This all needs a good conservation dentist, which you won't get at night time in an emergency room. Obviously, some damage would be so severe that emergency room treatment would be urgently needed, and sometimes that would be extraction. All you can do is assess the situation as soon as you have a look.

p.s. Don't 'wiggle' loose tooth.

mommy2ash · 01/08/2014 23:41

yanbu for being angry but if the game was so obviously dangerous someone else should have stepped in. if this is expected behaviour from them a responsible adult should be right there alongside them to stop things before they get out of hand. I think it all sounds like an accident I doubt she actually thought oh I will let her run into the pillar she more than likely didn't notice or forgot there was a pillar behind her.

I wouldn't leave them mind my child unsupervised they have proven themselves to not be responsible enough.

I have stepped in since my dd was a baby and if upsets someone that's fine but ultimately I am responsible for my dds safety and that comes first

Thenapoleonofcrime · 01/08/2014 23:47

I don't think the Op was to blame in any way, it wouldn't look like a dangerous game, someone running to cuddle grandma, it was only dangerous when grandma stepped out of the way. All physical games have the potential to go wrong, this was just one of those times, but put together with the other time, a pattern is emerging which you now can't ignore, that they drink and this means accidents are more likely.

There has been some excellent information on this thread about what to do if your child bangs a tooth, I really didn't know how critical it was to get it assessed quickly, I hope you get her seen today/tomorrow- you need to see inside her mouth, I'm afraid I would probably say something like 'if you don't let me look inside, I'll have to take you to the hospital/dentist and he will just look inside instead' which usually gets my two doing whatever unpleasant thing needs doing.

RubyGoat · 01/08/2014 23:52

Wow. Your poor DSD.

Can't believe your DH's attitude! However, I think he/they have backed themselves into a corner here. DH says the kids should know better than to play games etc when you PILs have been drinking. They drink most days, and your MIL has put the blame firmly on them, by the sound of it. Therefore, for everyone's sake, I'd just tell them that until the kids are old enough to make an informed judgement about responsibility around alcohol, you can't leave the kids with your PILs any more, nor will they be allowed to play games at any time. You know, to prevent the kids (PILs) causing any more accidents. Hmm

ADishBestEatenCold · 01/08/2014 23:52

"Like I said, they drink most days so should I step in and say no every time they playwith their grandchildren"

Oh, TractorTam, I'm sorry to say this, because you're having a rotten old night and it sounds like it's not the first one, but yes, you should step in and say NO every time these GPs play with their grandchildren, if they are drinking to that extent.

So hard for you, I know, but they have totally proved themselves to be unsafe with the children (not to mention really rather cruel) if they are drunk.

McFox · 01/08/2014 23:54

YANBU. I'd be livid with both your PIL and your DH in that situation. No wonder you don't want them babysitting. You've every right to tear into them when they are sober to tell them why you can't trust them, and you need your DH to back you up.

FrankSaysNo · 01/08/2014 23:55

Dickie they're the adult and the grandparent, how is it my fault but not theirs?? Like I said, they drink most days so should I step in and say no every time they playwith their grandchildren (can you imagine how that'd go down??)

I admit, I am a fairly feckless parent by MN standards, but I wouldnt leave my child with drunks, drunks with a history - so yes, actually it is your DHs responsibility to protect his child....this isnt your child is it, yet you are lumbered being in a room with her, bang on the head, watching for concussion, with your own child and the shared toddler.

Has he taken the child to hospital yet???? No?? you still sitting there with his child, whilst he pisses it up big time downstairs?

think on whether this is the life you want.

Original poster
TractorTam · 01/08/2014 23:58

I've looked and it isn't wobbly, maybe a little wonky but she's been eating and saying the tooth/gum doesn't hurt, just her lip which the tooth went through.

Of course physical games have the potential to go wrong but it is the fact that PIL instigate these games when they've been drinking that annoys me. I'm always the sober one cringing while everyone else looks on at what wonderful GPs they are. When she dropped my toddler it was from her around 5'10" tall shoulders when she was only just a year, and would've been onto concrete if I hadn't been there to catch her. The thought makes me feel sick.

There is no one else to have the DC during the birth so it looks like I'm pretty much going to have to cause a world of pain by explaining precisely why I don't want them having DC.

OP posts:
kippersmum · 01/08/2014 23:58

Please please consult a dentist before doing anything. I now have a gap to the rhs of my front teeth due to 25yr old root canal treatment failing. If I had done "nothing" at the time I would be eligible for an NHS treatment.

Due to the fact I have been treated before, the implant I need is not covered, & will cost over £2k.

Please read the NHS info v v carefully, I don't want your DSD to have a gap like mine :(

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/08/2014 23:59

she should know not to play with people who have been drinking your husband is an utter dick for this comment. It shows how he has normalised his parents' disfunctional drinking and indicates that he can't and won't be protective where they are concerned.
And yes, if they are pissed every time they see the kids and keep causing them to hurt themselves you need to impose a no contact unless they are sober rule. Your husband will push back against it but your job is to keep the children safe, and right now they aren't.

Original poster
TractorTam · 02/08/2014 00:03

DH is too pissed to be of any use tonight. DSD told him she didn't want him here. The sad thing is DSD is blaming herself, saying she shouldn't have accepted grandma giving her coke because she isn't used to it and it obviously makes her too hyper

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 02/08/2014 00:07

How old are your DCs? Ask your DH how old he thinks a child has to be, to "know not to play with people who have been drinking" and why he expects this from young children but not mature adults? Ask him how seriously one of them would have to be hurt before they (the PILs & your DH) start treating them like children, & they start acting like adults.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 02/08/2014 00:07

Plan of action

A. Take dsd to a&e and see if the tooth can be saved
B. get fucking angry
C. Talk to dh and get him onside, this situation isn't acceptable
D. Find another plan for when you have the baby.
E. make plan to ensure the children are never hurt again. And if you can't do that without limiting pil contact, so be it.

ADishBestEatenCold · 02/08/2014 00:08

"There is no one else to have the DC during the birth"

No one! Oh TractorTam. No family of your own? No friends that would stay with them or have them? What (oh this would be a strange one) about DSD's mum?

If there is absolutely no-one then I think I would be saying to 'D'H that he would have to miss the birth and stay home by himself with the DCs. I think I would also be telling him that if I ever got wind that either his parents and/or alcohol had been there, then that would be the end.

RubyGoat · 02/08/2014 00:09

Oh bless her. Sad I hope you have managed to convince your DSD it was not the coke making her hyper.

LondonRocks · 02/08/2014 00:10

What the fuck is wrong with these pei

LondonRocks · 02/08/2014 00:11

*people, that they have to drink so much?

FGS, you can't entrust the DCs to them after this! Let DH man the fuck up!

Original poster
TractorTam · 02/08/2014 00:11

He is meant to be staying at PIL on Sunday with DD and DSD but while I can't stop him taking DSD, I'm not prepared to let DD go as I know DH will be drinking, too.But how do i exexplain that to the DC without saying GPs drink too much?

OP posts:
LondonRocks · 02/08/2014 00:12

YY ADish

Agree with every word.

LondonRocks · 02/08/2014 00:13

TBH, I'd just tell them.

They are repeat offenders.

Original poster
TractorTam · 02/08/2014 00:13

Absolutely no one, ADish. I'm thinking of a home birth but if anything went wrong, DH wants PIL on stand by. After this, I'd rather give birth alone than leave them with the other DC.

OP posts:
LondonRocks · 02/08/2014 00:14

It's what you want. Not him.

Original poster
TractorTam · 02/08/2014 00:18

But other than saying 'if you leave the DC with your parents, I will leave you' - there isn't going to be much I can do to stop him while I'm in labour.

OP posts: