Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am being perfectly reasonable (Christmas related, already).

128 replies

PerfectlyReasonablePolly · 31/07/2014 13:43

I know, I know, it's not even August...

DC3 is due at Christmas, and this has provoked an even earlier than usual family discussion about plans. We normally host, and invite both sets of parents, although they are not always both able to come, and any of our siblings who do not have other plans.

I have had 2 c-sections so the overwhelming likelihood is that DC3 will be delivered by c-section on or around the 18th December. With this in my I have told everyone that I would like to just have a family Christmas, M&S food, probably a pyjama day so that the children can just play with their toys, and nobody needs to feel stressed. Due to our siblings' other commitments, this means that we will be leaving both sets of parents on their own.

My parents have been fine with this, and are talking about booking a fancy Christmas break in a nice hotel, which apparently they have always secretly wanted to do, but felt obliged to spend time with their DCS Grin. DH is too scared to even tell his parents! He is coming out with a variety of options which mean that we can still see them. E.g. We will still host, but he will do all of the cooking and cleaning. This is a joke, there is simply no way that he will get the house ready to my standard, and he has rarely in his life cooked anything other than pasta and pesto. Or we will go to his parents so that they are not alone (a week post c-section, so either we have to stay, which will probably involve sleeping in an uncomfy bed and sharing a room with our DCs and the newborn baby, or we will have to drive 2 hours each way on Christmas Day. Did I mention that I will be a week post c-section?!).

As a concession, he did at one point suggest that maybe we could have them over for a meal on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day. Again, which he will get the house ready for and cook from scratch. Massively unlikely. I do normally make a huge production of Christmas, and I usually love all of the prep and cooking, but this year the only solution I can see so that at least the children and I still enjoy it is to ignore it as much as possible, and then shove some pre-made food into the oven. I'm not sure I could bring myself to do this if we had guests.

With both of my DCs I've taken a while to establish breastfeeding, and I know now what a c-section entails. I don't think I'm being at all unreasonable to stand my ground on this one, am I? Everyone is welcome to pop in for a cup of tea and to meet the baby after he/she is born, and I'm sure that people will be around over the Christmas period. But there will be no entertaining, and no formal meals being provided, in this house. PILs are not at all the sort to just muck in and help, so I am particularly keen to ensure that we are not committed to providing 3 course meals for them at any point at all over the holidays.

DH yesterday evening referred to me as "the Grinch".

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 31/07/2014 18:39

Divorce stats soar around the 4th January because of pressures like this.
Partners put their own parents first before their own kids and family and resentments build and boil over

If your DH thinks you are a Grinch and calls you as such perhaps he would be better off not tempting fate.

Hakluyt · 31/07/2014 18:39

I have read the OP, and I completely understand the OP's need to have a low key Christmas where she does nothing. But the only reason she has given for not wanting her Dp to have his parents over at some stage is that he won't entertain up to her standards. She actually said she doesn't think she could bring herself to let pre prepared food be shoved in the oven if they had guests. So it's all about him not doing it right. She said it several times. "He won't get the house ready to my standard"

So he doesn't get to see his parents because she doesn't think he cleans well enough.

firesidechat · 31/07/2014 18:41

I'm a mil and a grandmother and I'm a bit flummoxed that people, my age or older, actually cry when they don't get what they want. I'm embarrassed for them.

I'm also very happy that we've never had a rota or any sort of system for Christmas. It's decided on a year by year basis and no one has got the hump so far. It's probably only a matter of time going by the number of Christmas threads on here.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 31/07/2014 18:42

So he doesn't get to see his parents because she doesn't think he cleans well enough

op is there a reason for this?

have they critised your cleaning or cooking?

Darkesteyes · 31/07/2014 18:44

"I hope all the people saying your DH needs to grow the fuck up wouldn't bat an eyelid when their children are grown up and trying to avoid them at Christmas."

You could say the same about parents saying to their young adult DC

"this is my house so you live by my rules"

Hope these parents wont bat an eyelid when their grown up kids apply the same logic if those same parents go to live with their DC in 20/30 years time.

firesidechat · 31/07/2014 18:46

So Hakluyt?

I don't care what reasons the OP has given in her post and I understand the standards thing, even if you don't. It might be anal and illogical, but that's how it is for this one exceptional year. The other reasons are self evident to the rest of us and the OP is doing nothing wrong.

She also says in her post that they normally host Christmas for both sets of parents and that is quite a big commitment. It won't harm anyone to do things differently this year.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 31/07/2014 18:49

I hope all the people saying your DH needs to grow the fuck up wouldn't bat an eyelid when their children are grown up and trying to avoid them at Christmas

But if my children were trying to avoid me, and couldn't chat to me, like op has with hers as to why she wants to avoid them this year...I would be looking to myself, what have I done wrong, why can't they chat to me?

Op can talk to her parents her DH is scared of his.

If I just couldn't get closer to them, then - tough shit....thats shitty life for you but I wouldn't sulk and force and nag I would try and work on the whys...

Hakluyt · 31/07/2014 18:49

"have they critised your cleaning or cooking?"

Yeah, because obviously it has to be the pil's fault!!!!!

YouTheCat · 31/07/2014 18:50

The OP will be a week post op and with a small baby. She gets to dictate.

If her pil were the sort to muck in and maybe help with doing the dinner etc that would be different but they sound like they will expect the full treatment regardless of the OP's ability to provide that.

OP has been exceptionally generous in always hosting Christmas and if this isn't enough reason for her to have a year off, I don't know what is. I might think differently if she was having her own parents over but she isn't.

Hakluyt · 31/07/2014 18:51

I just think it's really sad that a guy can't see his parents , and grandchildren won't see their grandparents at Christmas because his partner thinks he won't clean the house well enough. Sad

KnittedJimmyChoos · 31/07/2014 18:51

"have they critised your cleaning or cooking?"

Yeah, because obviously it has to be the pil's fault!!!!!

I don't understand your point here.

Hakluyt · 31/07/2014 18:52

And nobody's even suggesting she should host Christmas. She is saying that it's the works or nothing!

KnittedJimmyChoos · 31/07/2014 18:54

I just think it's really sad that a guy can't see his parents , and grandchildren won't see their grandparents at Christmas because his partner thinks he won't clean the house well enough

wow is it writ in rule that GP have to see thier GC every single xmas?

Are no special circs allowed? Is someone a week post op, not someone who can dictate whether she wants visitors in her house for whatever reason?

She hosts them every year, is she not allowed to rain off for one year due to extremly special circs?

Its not like her own parents are going?

KnittedJimmyChoos · 31/07/2014 18:54

HAK

I get the impression you are just arguing for the sake of it.

GatoradeMeBitch · 31/07/2014 18:54

No, she's saying that it's a minimal Christmas for her and her immediate family this year. She doesn't even need a reason for that decision, but she happens to have a very very good one!

YouTheCat · 31/07/2014 18:54

She is saying they will expect the works if they come on Christmas day. She has also said they came come another time.

It isn't just because she knows he won't clean so well. It's because she knows she will end up being up and down being a hostess the whole time a week after a c section.

firesidechat · 31/07/2014 18:57

I'm fairly sure that the husband can see his parents a multitude of other times. I love Christmas, but it's not so special that the get together can't be rescheduled for a later date. Nothing terrible will happen if you don't see family in the Christmas week.

We quite often see my parents and siblings a week before or a week after Christmas. When you have parents and grown up children with their own families something has to give and compromises reached.

Nanny0gg · 31/07/2014 18:59

Hakluyt

You really are deliberately spectacularly missing the main point here, aren't you?

Hakluyt · 31/07/2014 18:59

"She hosts them every year, is she not allowed to rain off for one year due to extremly special circs? "

Of course she is. But not thinking that your Dp will clean properly, or not wanting to serve guests ready meals (which are the only reasons she has given) are not special circumstances!

KnittedJimmyChoos · 31/07/2014 19:01

Of course she is. But not thinking that your Dp will clean properly, or not wanting to serve guests ready meals (which are the only reasons she has given) are not special circumstances

They are valid reasons if your guests wont muck in and help.

I think the more interesting slant here is why cant the DH simply tell his parents this year is off, why the panicking and shiftyness and pressure on your wife to host them?

Hakluyt · 31/07/2014 19:04

"I think the more interesting slant here is why cant the DH simply tell his parents this year is off, why the panicking and shiftyness and pressure on your wife to host them?"

Because he has said he will host. He isn't "pressuring his wife". She is pressuring herself. Because he won't clean to her standards and she isn't prepared to serve guests ready meals.

firesidechat · 31/07/2014 19:05

For goodness sake Hakluyt the OP knows herself and how she reacts to certain circumstances. She knows that she will not be able to sit and watch her husband get the house ready and cook a meal without feeling that she has to help out and entertain her guests. She knows it will be stressful for her and wants to avoid that stress. You may be able to put your feet up and relax, but the OP isn't you.

ICanSeeTheSun · 31/07/2014 19:08

I understand the Op, if I have guests coming I run around like a loon getting my home prepared for them to arrive.

A week after having major surgery i would only have my mum to come in because she would make a cuppa and do a bit of cleaning ect.

No way would I be up to having guests, I would be looking forward to resting and recovering from the birth and that's after a vaginal delivery.

Ormally · 31/07/2014 19:10

Ask DH and the kids to make a plan for a Christmas Eve/Boxing Day walk or something with the GPs and older children. Buy a picnic, sumptuous as they like, down to the plastic cutlery, and pick somewhere with a good café onsite, or plan fish & chips. The place I would choose if it were me also has a big playground which goes down well. Ensure everyone is briefed to look after themselves offsite for that duration. Have a couple of presents each ready in the car if you like. This combines a couple of 'new baby' days I had which were in fact really successful (we had to have fish and chips ad-hoc on a bench in the garden in v cold weather because our chimney was being swept - and it is a wonderful memory and a wonderful treasured photo came from it too).

Try to make a plan for yourself for a trusted and quiet friend to come and see you and the baby instead for that time and have a cup of tea.
Good luck.

Vicky5910 · 31/07/2014 19:10

You anbu! I am due on 27th nov and expecting a natural birth, and no way would I have anyone over on Xmas day. We have already said it's too much faff getting involved in Christmas planning for the last few years and we cook our own small Xmas dinner just us three (nearly 4). And MIL did kick off, as did my own mother, and 3 years later we are all still here :D it's hard to upset the old folk, but they are pretty resilient really... Drop the bomb, walk away from the fall out, check back in in a week or so.
Also, hubby can have a kick in the crotch for his grinch comment. He can always visit his mummy alone if he can't bare just one Xmas day with his newborn instead of her....!