I am being perfectly reasonable (Christmas related, already).

[PerfectlyReasonablePolly]

I know, I know, it's not even August...

DC3 is due at Christmas, and this has provoked an even earlier than usual family discussion about plans. We normally host, and invite both sets of parents, although they are not always both able to come, and any of our siblings who do not have other plans.

I have had 2 c-sections so the overwhelming likelihood is that DC3 will be delivered by c-section on or around the 18th December. With this in my I have told everyone that I would like to just have a family Christmas, M&S food, probably a pyjama day so that the children can just play with their toys, and nobody needs to feel stressed. Due to our siblings' other commitments, this means that we will be leaving both sets of parents on their own.

My parents have been fine with this, and are talking about booking a fancy Christmas break in a nice hotel, which apparently they have always secretly wanted to do, but felt obliged to spend time with their DCS . DH is too scared to even tell his parents! He is coming out with a variety of options which mean that we can still see them. E.g. We will still host, but he will do all of the cooking and cleaning. This is a joke, there is simply no way that he will get the house ready to my standard, and he has rarely in his life cooked anything other than pasta and pesto. Or we will go to his parents so that they are not alone (a week post c-section, so either we have to stay, which will probably involve sleeping in an uncomfy bed and sharing a room with our DCs and the newborn baby, or we will have to drive 2 hours each way on Christmas Day. Did I mention that I will be a week post c-section?!).

As a concession, he did at one point suggest that maybe we could have them over for a meal on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day. Again, which he will get the house ready for and cook from scratch. Massively unlikely. I do normally make a huge production of Christmas, and I usually love all of the prep and cooking, but this year the only solution I can see so that at least the children and I still enjoy it is to ignore it as much as possible, and then shove some pre-made food into the oven. I'm not sure I could bring myself to do this if we had guests.

With both of my DCs I've taken a while to establish breastfeeding, and I know now what a c-section entails. I don't think I'm being at all unreasonable to stand my ground on this one, am I? Everyone is welcome to pop in for a cup of tea and to meet the baby after he/she is born, and I'm sure that people will be around over the Christmas period. But there will be no entertaining, and no formal meals being provided, in this house. PILs are not at all the sort to just muck in and help, so I am particularly keen to ensure that we are not committed to providing 3 course meals for them at any point at all over the holidays.

DH yesterday evening referred to me as "the Grinch".

[FryOneFatManic]

YANBU.

I've had a CS and I couldn't even stand up straight for 3 weeks, was hunched over a lot and no way would I have been able to host a dinner.

And by your description of your DH, if you did agree to let him clean and cook, he'd still be faffing about and asking how to do this and that.

No chance would I agree to it.

[aintnothinbutagstring]

Having had two EMCS's myself, I understand, the few weeks afterwards are grim, for the first two weeks I only got up to put the kettle on. Not to mention lochia, that can go on for an age, who wants to deal with lochia with the IL's around . Cracked nipples, patches of leaked milk, mastitis. You just need your privacy in those first few weeks, not IL's sat there knife and fork in each hand waiting for their turkey.

[HamAndPlaques]

It's shameless appropriation of another culture but why not host Thanksgiving in November? Everybody still gets their turkey dinner and family time, and you can really rub it in by being 'thankful for the family's support for the imminent birth of DC3.'

[MummyCarpenter]

Are you having elective c section or hoping to try VBAC? If VBAC you could still be pregnant and go into labour on Christmas day. Try making that the basis of your argument? My daughter was born on 16th Dec last year & I had the same sort of idea & my MIL said she would come to my house & cook all dinner for whole family, I went nuts at my hubby telling him no way, in the end she buggered of to Canada for Christmas & New Year :D

[KnittedJimmyChoos]

In the early days of our marriage I realised that my DH was a bit tied to apron strings, he soon learned that the consequences of upsetting me outweighed the consequences of upsetting his mother

DoJo

[DoJo]

Could you play your MIL's game and tell him that you will cry if he invites them over? Surely that turns you from Grinch to Tiny Tim and could save Christmas for everyone!

[KnittedJimmyChoos]

*Christ I am sure a grown man can not see his parents for one bloody year. He gets to spend the day with his children and wife which is not exactly a hardship for him



I bet he can cope perfectly well without seeing them however I suspect its more to do with him being frightened of his parents and un able to simply <span class="italic">tell them no can do this year.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend Christmas Day as a little family, you, DH and the DCs. It's actually rather nice.

[daftbesom]

Picklepest

OP you are in the right, how could anyone doubt it? Whatever the method of giving birth, a week afterwards is not the time to be worrying about hosting Christmas dinner. Have a lovely pregnancy and lay down the law

[Mrsgrumble]

The op had stated dh only cooks pasta and pesto.

These are very special circumstances. One week newborn post section. The pain alone is enough to not want to host.

She knows full well dh won't do much by the sounds of things.

[firesidechat]

Best wishes for the new arrival in December and hope you have a very happy, relaxed Christmas. I'm sure your husband will thank you later and the pil will get over the shock.

[petalsandstars]

Can you not just tell MIL as others have said, as there is no other option? It's obvious that you won't be able to host a week or so after major surgery. Yanbu

[rumbleinthrjungle]

YAsoNBU

Nor do you need to justify anything at all! The M&S plan for you, dh and kids sounds great and very good forward planning under the circumstances.

What is it with these men trained to do what their mothers want through emotional blackmail? Someone needs to write a Freedom type programme for them and put it on MN. Your dh needs to do a bit of growing up unfortunately. I liked the PP's suggestion of talking to MiL yourself and seeing if you can get her on side to calm him down.

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

x-posted.

37 years! Time for a year off.

[petalsandstars]

In the early days of our marriage I realised that my DH was a bit tied to apron strings, he soon learned that the consequences of upsetting me outweighed the consequences of upsetting his mother. And now he can see the ridiculous expectations his mum had and can deal with the threats of tears etc appropriately.

[Kittykatmacbill]

Hey polly, Yanbu.
I am more or less in the same boat dc2 due on 17th and also probably a csection.
My parents are coming and our doing all the Christmas, there is no way I am going to either do it or walk two miles to them. My mum will do it, which will mean I will get the joy of a proper over fed Christmas in pjs without doing to much! Least that is the theory... Are you sure il would be able to do Christmas, let them loose in your kitchen and sort out the food.
And that grinch comments, means your dh should be paying for a couple of months worth of cleaner over Christmas to help you get in the Christmas spirit!
Ps yay Christmas babies :-)

[JellyBabiesSaveLives]

Could you suggest to your ILs that you move Christmas to the first weekend in December this year, owing to your imminent hospitalisation. St Nicholas' Day is Friday 5th, so that could work. And obviously they'll need to host, as you'll be heavily pregnant.

Present it as absolutely obvious-to-all that you won't be seeing them a week after major surgery, on the 25th, and this is your solution because it is so important to you, that you celebrate Christmas with them.

[Igggi]

Am amazed that anyone had spent 37 consecutive Christmases with their mother.

[MagicMojito]

I completely understand where the OP is coming from. It's all very well and good saying "you just put your feet up and let dh do it" but if the OP's dh can't or won't do it to a standard that makes her able to relax and feel comfortablet its going to have a negative effect on her.

Dh and Pil probably ARE going to be disappointed, but so fucking what? I bet the OP is pretty disappointed that she's going to be spending her first Xmas with p3b in pain and uncomfortable unable to play with her other children. You don't see her whining about it though.

[Finney2]

Christ I am sure a grown man can not see his parents for one bloody year. He gets to spend the day with his children and wife which is not exactly a hardship for him. If your ILs, and indeed your husband, have a problem with you not wanting to host them for a solitary Christmas, then that is ver much their problem and not yours.

[Castlemilk]

'I must say, after years of being a close family, and many years of being happy to welcome everyone at Christmas - unlike our siblings - it's nice to see that when it really matters, when I've just given birth - my parents can put my needs and those of their new grandchild before their wants. I really hope your parents value our family enough to do the same.'

[PerfectlyReasonablePolly]

Thanks for the further responses.

The cleaning / cooking thing really is only part of the story, but it is part of it, for me. The whole thing would just be horribly stressful. I don't doubt DH's intentions, but the reality of the situation is likely to be quite different. He works a lot, in a long hours culture job. With our two (still little) DCs he has never even managed to take his full paternity leave, and has spent a large part of what he did take on his Blackberry. So I'm going by past experience when I take his offer to do all of the coking and cleaning with a large pinch of salt.

For what it's worth, I like my inlaws, and am very happy to host them normally. I love our big family Christmasses. But it is just that - 'hosting', on my part, they don't really muck in at all. My own mum is usually the helpful one, but I still don't really want my parents here either.

When I had my second c-section I stayed in PJs for a week and did very little, and after that I was pretty much good to go. It was a much easier recovery than my first section where I tried to do too much too soon.

I (we) might offer to host a "Christmas" weekend in November instead. And DH is, of course, free to take the older DCs to visit his parents, or plan a nice activity with them, over Christmas, but not on Christmas Day itself - they are 2 hours away, so effectively I'd be apart from my children (and they'd be apart from most of their new Christmas presents!) all day. I don't think that would be the best solution for anyone.

Thanks for all of the supportive replies. And for those that feel that it is terrible that DH won't see his parents at Christmas, I can't really see this as all that awful. It will be the first time in 37 years that they haven't been together! They regularly don't see their other children (who don't have DCs, and so often have far more exciting plans than family Christmasses) so I really don't think it is a disaster.

The Grinch comment wasn't entirely serious. Not said with any vitriol, anyway!

[mumminio]

Could you let your parents in law look after your children for a day/weekend, and you and your husband can have time with your newborn?

[Picklepest]

Fuck dh
Fuck ils
Post surgery everyone can F off to the far side of f and then F off a few miles more.

Not like u cancelled Xmas. Just the crap.

[PumpkinPie2013]

YANBU

His parents will have to just bloody get on with it and make their own plans for Christmas!

I had my son at the end of November by c - section (albeit emergency) and there is no way I would have hosted Christmas (we usually do).

Tell your DH to man up and just tell them.