I am being perfectly reasonable (Christmas related, already).

[PerfectlyReasonablePolly]

I know, I know, it's not even August...

DC3 is due at Christmas, and this has provoked an even earlier than usual family discussion about plans. We normally host, and invite both sets of parents, although they are not always both able to come, and any of our siblings who do not have other plans.

I have had 2 c-sections so the overwhelming likelihood is that DC3 will be delivered by c-section on or around the 18th December. With this in my I have told everyone that I would like to just have a family Christmas, M&S food, probably a pyjama day so that the children can just play with their toys, and nobody needs to feel stressed. Due to our siblings' other commitments, this means that we will be leaving both sets of parents on their own.

My parents have been fine with this, and are talking about booking a fancy Christmas break in a nice hotel, which apparently they have always secretly wanted to do, but felt obliged to spend time with their DCS . DH is too scared to even tell his parents! He is coming out with a variety of options which mean that we can still see them. E.g. We will still host, but he will do all of the cooking and cleaning. This is a joke, there is simply no way that he will get the house ready to my standard, and he has rarely in his life cooked anything other than pasta and pesto. Or we will go to his parents so that they are not alone (a week post c-section, so either we have to stay, which will probably involve sleeping in an uncomfy bed and sharing a room with our DCs and the newborn baby, or we will have to drive 2 hours each way on Christmas Day. Did I mention that I will be a week post c-section?!).

As a concession, he did at one point suggest that maybe we could have them over for a meal on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day. Again, which he will get the house ready for and cook from scratch. Massively unlikely. I do normally make a huge production of Christmas, and I usually love all of the prep and cooking, but this year the only solution I can see so that at least the children and I still enjoy it is to ignore it as much as possible, and then shove some pre-made food into the oven. I'm not sure I could bring myself to do this if we had guests.

With both of my DCs I've taken a while to establish breastfeeding, and I know now what a c-section entails. I don't think I'm being at all unreasonable to stand my ground on this one, am I? Everyone is welcome to pop in for a cup of tea and to meet the baby after he/she is born, and I'm sure that people will be around over the Christmas period. But there will be no entertaining, and no formal meals being provided, in this house. PILs are not at all the sort to just muck in and help, so I am particularly keen to ensure that we are not committed to providing 3 course meals for them at any point at all over the holidays.

DH yesterday evening referred to me as "the Grinch".

[firesidechat]

She will cry! I have no tolerance for that sort of behaviour at all.

You are not a Grinch and please stand your ground.

Just out of interest, how old are his parents and is he an only child? It doesn't change anything, but I'm trying to understand the crying thing.

[JustAShopGirl]

I was a week post-c for Christmas one year (2000) - just went to ILs and they demanded I let them do everything (such hardship ).

Bed wasn't great, had to share with the kids, but it felt good not having to do anything at all, bliss...

[YANAgurl1973]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and if the inlaws had any sense they would realise you can't host this year. Your partner needs to man up and tell them. Failing that tell them they can still come around but THEY need to do all the cooking etc.

[firesidechat]

Your husband may be able to sort the house and cook a full on Christmas dinner, but that leaves you with no support when you need it the most.

A small family Christmas with just the 5 of you sounds like bliss - slobbing around and not having to entertain - heaven.

[PerfectlyReasonablePolly]

His parents are in their 70s, fireside. He has 2 siblings (both of whom will be at their inlaws, one set are abroad, as is my sister).

Thanks everyone. To those who have commented re my standards, it's a fair point, but I know myself well on this, and know that I'm a bit obsessive. The house is likely to be a bit of a state with a newborn, and I wouldn't feel comfortable having visitors round when it is messy and not very clean, but in really don't want to feel pressured (by myself) into sorting it out..

[Treats]

My MIL cried when she didn't come to ours for Christmas one year. This was actually despite our having issued two invitations that she'd refused.

And then - much to my disgust - having DH arrange a whole separate event at our house three days after Christmas that she decided she could come to.

And all this despite my also having given birth four weeks earlier. And having just attended the funeral of my son who only survived a few hours.

But still she cried on my shoulder because she wasn't spending Christmas with either of her sons......

[RelocatorRelocator]

You are being totally totally reasonable. Can't your dh's siblings step in for once? Don't your ILs have other relatives they could hook up with?

Tbh though one Christmas Day just the two of them wouldn't be a disaster, so don't approach this like it would be. It could be rather nice for them - love your parents' plan!

Even if your dh was Michel Roux Jr, him cooking and running round after them would totally detract from him being able to look after you and your other dcs.

Your dh needs to man up and tell them. No apologies, very matter of fact, whatever the male equivalent of a tinkly laugh is

I hope this is one of those situations where their response surprises you.

[Toooldtobearsed]

Before anyone shouts, I know it is DH parents, and so his responsibility, but do you not think it is worth you ringing MiL and talking to her about it? You could couch it in a way that will get her on side - along the lines of 'MiL, I need your help, DH is getting stressed about Xmas. I know you will understand that we can't do it this year- could you give him a call and suggest that you just pop over for a quick cuppa this year? It would help him so much....' and smile while you are speaking, it really does 'come over'.

[OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat]

Your DH needs to say to his DPs, with the new baby and everything, we are going to have a quiet Christmas this year, and DWs parents are going away instead of coming to us .

His DPs could then either say 'ooh yes, we could go on a Turkey n Tinsel break in the Canaries/London/Outer Mongolio too' or if it looks like they are going to start getting a bit sniffy, he could then invite them for Boxing Day instead and all you need to do is add a bit more to the M&S Christmas food order for Boxing Day buffet - you could spend an enjoyable afternoon with your feet up perusing the catalogues in the autumn .

Then he and the DCs if they are old enough need to make sure the house is clean and tidy and decorated enough to give the DCs the Christmas magic feeling while you relax with the new baby.

Surely he could manage that?

[Anotheronesoon]

Yanbu !!! What is more when people come over for a cup of tea they should be bringing you meals - and not staying and eating them!

[Toooldtobearsed]

Oh, and p.s. I would be exactly the same about OH getting things up to standard, I just could not sit still and let him get on with it!

[dolicapax]

Tell them your plans yourself. Don't rely on your DH as it doesn't sound like he will, and you will end up by default hosting them as usual.

I have huge sympathy as due to the fact we have the most space I am expected to host DH's parents, siblings, partners and dcs every time they want to meet up, which is regularly. It annoys me. Just once I'd like their get togethers to not involve me doing endless shopping, cooking, cleaning and changing of beds. I really don't get how people can be so rude, as I'd never presume someone else wanted to host me every year without fail.

[firesidechat]

Perfectly, you don't have explain the standards thing to me. Having house guests always sends me into a frenzy of hoovering and polishing and Christmas is even worse for some reason. I couldn't relax either if the house was a tip. You do not need this stress.

My husband would be perfectly capable of running around like a mad thing trying to sort it all out, but I wouldn't want him to. He could be making me cups of tea instead and admiring the new baby.

[RoseberryTopping]

Totally reasonable. I do think your opinion trumps anyone else's because of the pain and situation you'll be in.

It's only one year, I'm sure they can suck it up.

[PerfectlyReasonablePolly]

Thanks again. Have to pop out now so sorry to start and then leave the thread!

Tooold I like this idea. A lot. I am hoping that MIL does, indeed, surprise me...

[Alligatorpie]

Treats, I am so sorry for your loss.

[diddl]

Something low key Boxing Day?

If husband can be trusted to look after you & the other kids.

If not, no chance.

"DH yesterday evening referred to me as "the Grinch"."-that's nasty.

[bensam]

Yanbu. Agree with Too, if he hasn't got the balls to tell them then you should do it. You'll be able to relax once it's sorted.

[BookABooSue]

YANBU. I know you think you'll have a c-section around the 18th Dec but you never know it might be later which just makes your dh's plans even more ridiculous.

Do your parents get on well with your ILs? Could your dm call your dmil to make it clear they can't expect you or dh to host Christmas have a chat about Christmas plans?

Otherwise, just stand firm and if they're so upset about missing Christmas then designate another date at the end of Jan/Feb/Mar as your alternative Christmas and have everyone round then.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Yanbu.

And do not end up hosting out of guilt!

[penguinplease]

Oh I had a c section on the 18th dec, it was the most hazy, disorganised Xmas ever and I was in a lot of discomfort as it was my third.
I had no one round. I just told them no. It was fine, just do it or else you'll spend the whole time stressing or seething. At least you are giving plenty of warning!

[combust22]

OP you are not being unreasonable at all- I would feel exactly the same, and although not houseproud by any stretch my OHs standards are not mine ( think poo stuck to the inside of the toilet bowl).

Your MIL is acting like a child and should be more understanding of your situation.
Your in-laws are not spending christmas "alone"- they have each other, and a bit insulting to those who are truly alone at christmas.

I wouldn't have them on boxing day either- even more mess to clear up then. Do they live close by?
I would suggest your OH take the kids for a quick two hour visiit late afternoon while you stay at home with baby.

I would also suggest sending them a hamper with some nice christmas
goodies to eat and drink over the christmas period.

I would put my foot down with a big bang on this one.

[ChillySundays]

You have had two c sections before so you know how you will feel. DH is BU. Even if he cleans and cooks are you going to be up to having people in the house all day? Know I wouldn't. He needs to grow a pair.