to think there's nothing 'wrong' with my parenting and the NHS doesn't need to fix it?

[oneandnotlonelyk]

I took dd for her 2.5 year health check a few weeks ago. I hadn't been to the doctor or health visitor for either of us since dds one year check as we're both pretty healthy, and no issues to report.

At the check, the hv asked about our sleeping arrangements, I said dd sleeps in my bed with me (she goes to bed earlier obviously), the room is safe and toddler proof. She has her own room and bed but prefers mine. The hv seemed ok with it, but then said I have separation issues and should consider counselling. I responded, telling her I'm happy with the situation, as is dd, I said the situation originated when I was bfing and found it easier to co sleep. I said I like co sleeping, it works for us, I like being close to dd, we cuddle etc.

Hv said dd will become too dependent and won't want to move out as an adult, I'm not prioritising my needs to meet a man (I'm a single parent) and therefore not teaching dd how to have a relationship with a man. I did (tongue in cheek) say that as my own relationship had failed, perhaps I'm not the best person to teach dd about relationships with men (haha) and that dd goes to a childminder four days a week while I'm at work, which she loves, so clearly dd isn't dependent on me.

As the hv admitted dd is doing well, is healthy and happy, Aibu to be really passed off that since the appt I've had two more phone calls from her and another hv about my 'separation issues' with dd, plus a gp referral?! I don't think I need counselling, nhs time and interference when I'm doing what I feel best for my dd and millions of people cosleep in other parts of the world. I'm a bit worried that they are going to keep harassing me.

What if the op was gay and had no desire to ever have a man in her bed.

I would report

Only read your OP but WTF! What a load of bollocks! Ignore her, your dd is a lucky girl to have you by the sound of it.

MrsCakesPremonition oh god. You poor thing.

My HV was a bit batty but fairly harmless. She did ask me once though how I defrosted meat. I just assumed they had some random stock of questions that could cleverly detect a persons ability to be a top notch parent and went along with it.

Same with me, MrsCakes; at the time I was taking the loo seats apart, and bleaching them in the bath. Every day. And cleaning the kitchen floors with neat bleach. I couldn't BF DD1, she was prem and had no suck reflex, I was desperate to feed her, and asked the HV countless times for help. She was more interested in filling out DD's red book.

Yet she never picked up on my PND. Utterly useless cow, still remember her name 21 years later. She was my HV for DD2 as well, and I point blank refused to let her in the house.

Stratter - that is truly awful , I do wonder about a system/organisation which seems to fail so completely for so many women.

There may be some decent ones, but I've never met one. The one who did DD2's 2 year check was ridiculous (we'd moved house by then). DD2 played her up something rotten, and was scathingly rude to her, as only a contemptuous toddler can be.

Actually, it was fucking hilarious, and we still tease her about it.

My DS slept in my bed on and off until he was about 5. He is now 9, sleeps every night in his own bed and doesn't even come in with me for a cuddle anymore.
Enjoy your time co-sleeping as it won't last forever.

Sounds very ignorant. My DC all co slept until 6 and sometimes older. All are very independent as they get older. Do what feels right. Co sleeping is perfectly normal.

Do complain, over reaching much?! I wish they'd stick to facts and evidence based advice rather than commands, urban myths and pseudo science.

Like many posters I've had a mixture of bad advice, personal opinion dressed up as absolute fact and bizarre obsessions which a Hv would rather focus on rather than what was needed. At best ineffectual but benign, at worst, very scary.

Asking about your relationships is beyond intrusive, it's none of their bloody business! My HV kept asking if I was going to get back with DS' s dad - the man who financially, emotionally and psychologically abused me for two years - because it was "important for DS to have male role models." He had male role models, there's plenty of men in my family, all of whom adore DS.

She also kept passing comment on food (don't have cheese or fish in the house due to my allergies) saying that I had to just stop being silly and give him stuff I can't even handle let alone eat. Because me landing in hospital with an allergic reaction would do so much good

I'm sure there are good ones out there, but my experience was terrible. I genuinely couldn't stand the woman.

I've just remembered the HV who 'diagnosed' our foster child with Downs because 'her cheeks are too big to be normal'.

Later on, after we'd adopted two other children, another HV spotted that I was exhausted and not coping. I feel nothing but gratitude for that wonderful, perceptive woman.

I once burst into tears at one of those ghastly weigh-in sessions, as I was struggling with a baby and todder, and said really loudly I CAN'T COPE. Did anyone look up, take me aside and start talking to me? Did they buggery.

Ah the HV! Mine was staggeringly useless, bustled in the day after I was discharged from hospital with DS, demanded a cup of tea with sweetener (which I don't have), pulled a face on hearing DS's perfectly normal name and asked if I was sure about it, commented on the colour of his hair in derogatory terms, made a snarky comment about me returning to work and then asked me if I could read. She was rifling through the fridge too for some reason and looking at expiry dates on cartons . I told her to get out of my house and to never darken my door again (I actually used a very Malcolm Tucker-esque phrase... ).

We have had no HV involvement since then and I complained to the practice about her. From speaking to friends and family the advice of some HVs is sketchy and can be downright weird. DSIL was told to ensure that her baby DD got lots of "brown milk" whatever that was. One friend is evangelical about her HV who, to be fair, sounds amazing but she's the only one I know who doesn't have a weird or very concerning HV story.

Sounds like you are doing brilliantly OP.

Good HVs are amazing. I've interviewed a few. But my dealings with the profession have been distinctly depressing.

first HV looked down her nose at me (a 22 yo first time mum) as we "weren't what she was expecting from the name and the address" lived in a small house in a posh village, d-barrelled surname. DD1 refused to stack blocks for one of her assesments and instead cooked them in a plastic frying pan for lunch, offered them to the HV on a plate and everything. Miserable cow sniffed and wrote down that DD couldn't stack blocks. She could, just didn't see the point .

I have helped a girl out by typing up her thesis whilst they were completing a degree to qualify them as a social worker. She studied a child in a childcare setting where they worked (no names used of course). I remember they concluded their thesis saying that X child had separation issues and it was basically the parents fault. I don't know who the family was so I don't know whether she was correct or not.

But what I do know now is that she is working in child care now and is the least maternal, child friendly person I know and whilst she knows it all on paper, she has no understanding of interacting with the children and would not be a person I would like to leave in charge of my own children. So I would take what HV says with a pinch of salt.

Larry: I'd imagine that the people marking that thesis will have rolled their eyes at those conclusions.

HVs are a strange lot.

My DD1 used to co sleep (she was very sick as a newborn and in ITU for a month, so I wanted her close by). She would often crawl into bed with us even as an older child and into her early teens.
She did her first overseas trip without us at 10 and hasn't looked back since. Last summer she spent going round Europe with her mates and she's in SE Asia this summer with her boyfriend. She's 20 this autumn and would much rather sleep with her boyfriend now, thankfully!
Separation anxiety my arse. Just smile and ignore.

Please complain. If this idiot gets her claws into someone less clued up than you, more vulnerable, more unsure of themselves, she could wreak havoc, and be very harmful and damaging.

B

As someone starting out on a psychology degree I would say attachment disorder is a 'thing' caused by lacking of maternal bonding; can hardly see this being an issue in your situation!

And I wake up every day to see my nearly 4 yo sprawled out next to me

I have a lovely old GP. The HV made me take DD to see him because of I can't remember what! He said "well, these HV, you know they do get worked up about nothing you know! You are a brilliant mum!"

You need to see him xxx

When my husband hit me, the HV I saw at DC's check up a few months later told me it was ok as 'this is the toughest stage in any relationship when the DC are little'.

Another HV sat by and said nothing when I saw her for DC's check at 2 weeks old, crying my eyes out as husband had tried to take DC from me the night before as I 'wasnt feeding her properly' (she had silent reflux which remained undiagnosed for some time).

I dont mean this as HV bashing as I'm sure some are great but I'm wary of all of them.

Complain, OP.