to think there's nothing 'wrong' with my parenting and the NHS doesn't need to fix it?

[oneandnotlonelyk]

I took dd for her 2.5 year health check a few weeks ago. I hadn't been to the doctor or health visitor for either of us since dds one year check as we're both pretty healthy, and no issues to report.

At the check, the hv asked about our sleeping arrangements, I said dd sleeps in my bed with me (she goes to bed earlier obviously), the room is safe and toddler proof. She has her own room and bed but prefers mine. The hv seemed ok with it, but then said I have separation issues and should consider counselling. I responded, telling her I'm happy with the situation, as is dd, I said the situation originated when I was bfing and found it easier to co sleep. I said I like co sleeping, it works for us, I like being close to dd, we cuddle etc.

Hv said dd will become too dependent and won't want to move out as an adult, I'm not prioritising my needs to meet a man (I'm a single parent) and therefore not teaching dd how to have a relationship with a man. I did (tongue in cheek) say that as my own relationship had failed, perhaps I'm not the best person to teach dd about relationships with men (haha) and that dd goes to a childminder four days a week while I'm at work, which she loves, so clearly dd isn't dependent on me.

As the hv admitted dd is doing well, is healthy and happy, Aibu to be really passed off that since the appt I've had two more phone calls from her and another hv about my 'separation issues' with dd, plus a gp referral?! I don't think I need counselling, nhs time and interference when I'm doing what I feel best for my dd and millions of people cosleep in other parts of the world. I'm a bit worried that they are going to keep harassing me.

One, it might be an idea to put it in writing to the HV, copied to your GP, that you have no concerns whatsoever about your child's sleeping pattern. Say that you are suprised that any experienced HV would consider that you have separation issues which may result in your rearing a child who would be reluctant to leave home as an adult. You might also like to state you consider that two telephone calls from her and another HV regarding a GP referral and a recommendation for counselling are misjudged and completely inappropriate. Ask the HV to put any further issues to you in writing, copied to your GP.

I had serious issues with my HV which resulted in very complicated issues around the decisions I made about my children. She once tried to paint my son as disruptive because he was a bit giddy at one appointment and couldn't focus on the test which said 'Teddy is on the bed, teddy is under the bed' etc. We did not like one another and she made things difficult for me.

This was heavily complicated by me being a single parent with an EXH who tried to undermine my parenting. I don't mean to scaremonger and in your case it probably isn't relevant but my HV was a total bitch who wrote up some notes that I was not happy about. Its a good idea to counteract any bullshit. If you are concerned ask for a copy of any notes held by her. You are entitled to these notes under data protection legislation.

I am probably 100% scaremongering but I had a really tricky time with that HV (total bitch). She was always off sick and admitted to me when I met her ten years later that she didn't really like working with children!!! My son had eneuresis (ongoing bed wetting) and we ended up with a Consultant who read her notes aloud to me at one of the consultations. I regretted not challenging her view of me and my child.

It all worked out in the end and my son is a very happy 16 year old. I just wish I had made a written complaint about her because she was so so crap. It turned out she was notorious in our area and no one could understand why she worked with children.

Ds is allergic to cows milk. She knows this and yet still tried to convince me that they contained yoghurt, not milk, and that yoghurt did not contain any cows milk whatsoever.

Stop. Are you serious? How is this possible?

I somehow never had a health visitor past around 6 weeks, and she was great - a bit of a hippy. I enjoyed her company more than anything else. But she was gone well before weaning. Petit filous for a 4 month old. Lord above.

Don't they get any training on the key issues? sleep and food must be the most common subjects they deal with.Isn't there an official nhs policy on things like co-sleeping that they're supposed to stick to? Im really surprised that they're so free to spout their personal opinions, especially when they don't have any scientific or medical backing.

In my job I often have view about what we're doing but i could never voice them to a customer if they strayed from the official line.

wow I am amazed I wonder if she picked up on other issues though.

I still co sleep btw..as to millions of children round the world! amazing to say a child of this age wil be affected at age 18 and wont move out.

it sounds like she is projecting onto you!

I'd echo theherbofdeath and Pat45 that you need to record this but be careful how you do it.

Write to your GP, stating 'for the record' what she said. Also include your points. Ask to see a different HV should the need arise in the future.

Don't get into a battle with her. She has power to question your parenting. Don't give her the chance to raise doubts about you.

don't let this woman undermine you.

I honestly don't think it matters whether you co-sleep or not, what is important is that you feel confident about your parenting decisions, as your feelings are what is important to your child. if co-sleeping feels right for you, then do it, if it doesn't, then don't.

it is your life, make the decisions that are right for you, nobody else. and yes, I would definitely report her.

I haven't RTFT but your HV must be one of those types OP.

Yanbu.

I'm aghast at the 'not prioritising your need to meet a man'/'not showing your DD how to have a relationship with a man' comments. I'm afraid I would have pulled her up on that. I'd have pointed out that (a) women do not need a man and I think it's very good to model that to girls and (b) she might turn out not to be interested in men at all. Is it up to you to model how to have a relationship with a woman just in case she happens to need a model for that in the future too?

I'd put a complaint in writing. 'Separation issues' my arse.

Absolutely mental. When people talk about the Nanny state gone mad this is exactly the kind of thing they mean. Interfering into the minutiae of people's private lives... it's just outrageous. And of course if you tell her to cock off you'll probably be referred to social services.

This is why I didn't bother with HV's with my second child. Most of the time their advice just their own personal opinion. Don't go. IF your child is healthy, why bother? If not go to a GP. I didn't even bother with their weigh ins, if a baby eating and excreting, why does it matter where they on the silly centile chart?

I was told to stop breastfeeding my first as she wasn't gaining enough weight and she didn't gain enough on formula either. Now she is happy and healthy and still petite. HV didn't have a clue.

Pat45 Thu 31-Jul-14 16:07:07

excellent post and points, very good idea to write to doc. get it on record.

• Elfhame Thu 31-Jul-14 16:37:47

same here I didnt bother with no 2 first was tiny and bottle fed, second tiny adn BF was told to cut down feeds, with first did all round of peads and measuring, i know each child diff but i can see they are same build, now first is 6 and so slim and i can see second is same, not gone near a HV.

I co slept with my Mum, following my dad's death very young until I was much, much older than your toddler...I seem to have managed to separate myself and have my own life and family! It suited our little family unit. Ignore them!

Shocking!! All of it!
I would not have been able to stay calm in there, so well done you!
Please say that you will report this, for your own peace of mind and for others that the HV will continue to bully.

Yanbu. Make a complaint asap. How fucking dare they. Cunts

It seems a massively strange response from the HV

In my experience it's a totally normal response from a health visitor. It's exactly the response I got from mine too. They also said I shouldn't be breastfeeding because "Hmm it's nice but cow's milk is nice for a change too." I gave him cow's milk! I wasn't witholding it from him! There was no point to me giving him an extra half pint at breakfast to drink just to further their odd agenda.

Every parent I know who followed any kind of non supernanny approved parenting decision or course of action was criticised in a roundabout way by their health visitor or given earnest advice on how to stop. Why?? I just ended up lying and fudging details in the end which is ridiculous.

I co-slept with dd till she was about 5. I always told her she could sleep on her own if she wanted, and one day she just decided to do so. Also a single parent here, and I did occasionally fret that it was about my needs rather than hers, but in fact it was a lovely experience for us both that did no harm and plenty of good.

We unfortunately came across a Paediatrician 2 years ago who came out with similarly barking stuff (diff content, but equally unprofessional and simply wrong).
We complained. Got 2nd opinion from expert.
We were referred to SS (they threw it out but we have been threatened, on and off, ever since).
Not trying to scare you. Diff situations. But, complain like a tiger like I did and you risk a 'tiger' response. HV can refer you to SS for completely spurious things.

Write a short factual letter. Her remarks will stand for themselves. You just state your case simply and clearly. Leave it at that. Avoid her like the plague.

When ds2 was very slow to put on weight, when ebf (at 6 weeks, he hadn't regained the 10oz he'd lost off his birthweight) I had the HV on the doorstep every day, or every other day, saying she wanted to see weight gain of at least half an ounce by the next day/at least an ounce in 2 days. In the end, she suggested formula, and when I said I was very keen to make breastfeeding work this time (it hadn't, with ds1), her exact words were, "Well, I have to think of the best interests of the baby!" I said how dare she say that I did not have my baby's best interests at heart, and then I threw her out of the house!

The next time I saw her, she was really apologetic.

If this happened as described, I would agree that it is not just harmlessly daft advice but dangerously ignorant and ill-informed. If she's saying this to the OP, what is she saying to other mothers who might not have the same confidence in their parenting abilities? It makes me shudder.

HV is a fool. If she knew anything about co-sleeping she would know all the evidence points to an increase in confidence and independence for the child.

She needs to do some CPD pronto!

Hv visitor is way OTT. I'd tell her you don't require her assistance any more. Bloody cheek.

This is just plain odd (and wrong). FWIW, DD does have separation issues and still often sleeps in my bed at the age of 7, but I can't see how denying her that would make the situation better (and the CAMHS team agrees with me).

It sounds like she just spouted any old nonsense that popped into her head! I would complain in a letter too, and thank them for their interest, but you will not need further counselling /support as your DD is xyz...... as you've put in your OP.

I had the Canadian equivalent of HV come to help establish BF when DS2 was born. We'd just moved towns and were staying in a 1bed serviced apartment. I'd already told her at previous meetings that we were moving in a week into an apartment and this was temporary. She turned up and started talking about how inappropriate the apartment was and making notes in her folder. DS1 then started kicking off and she turns to me and said, can you get him out of here, I can't do this with that noise. I was so I didn't say anything. I eventually stopped going on visits to her as every, single time, she'd ask about our housing arrangement. FFS, what if that was all I could afford, and what if I was a single parent without a DH to take DS1 out so she could concentrate on me trying to bf!?

That's completely out of order on the part of the HV. I had a slightly similar response at my DS 2.5 year review when I said he spent half the night our bed. She kept banging on about how it must be damaging mine and DH relationship and must be effecting my mental health. I chose to completely ignore her. In the early days of newborns it's easy to believe everything the hv says is true and appropriate, I now just nod, smile and ignore. We know our children and our circumstances far better than they do when they see you once a year,