to think there's nothing 'wrong' with my parenting and the NHS doesn't need to fix it?

[oneandnotlonelyk]

I took dd for her 2.5 year health check a few weeks ago. I hadn't been to the doctor or health visitor for either of us since dds one year check as we're both pretty healthy, and no issues to report.

At the check, the hv asked about our sleeping arrangements, I said dd sleeps in my bed with me (she goes to bed earlier obviously), the room is safe and toddler proof. She has her own room and bed but prefers mine. The hv seemed ok with it, but then said I have separation issues and should consider counselling. I responded, telling her I'm happy with the situation, as is dd, I said the situation originated when I was bfing and found it easier to co sleep. I said I like co sleeping, it works for us, I like being close to dd, we cuddle etc.

Hv said dd will become too dependent and won't want to move out as an adult, I'm not prioritising my needs to meet a man (I'm a single parent) and therefore not teaching dd how to have a relationship with a man. I did (tongue in cheek) say that as my own relationship had failed, perhaps I'm not the best person to teach dd about relationships with men (haha) and that dd goes to a childminder four days a week while I'm at work, which she loves, so clearly dd isn't dependent on me.

As the hv admitted dd is doing well, is healthy and happy, Aibu to be really passed off that since the appt I've had two more phone calls from her and another hv about my 'separation issues' with dd, plus a gp referral?! I don't think I need counselling, nhs time and interference when I'm doing what I feel best for my dd and millions of people cosleep in other parts of the world. I'm a bit worried that they are going to keep harassing me.

It seems to me that an astonishingly high proportion of HVs talk an absolute load of bollocks

Oh op, this has made me really on your behalf, Grrr.

Your "Hv" is not practicing evidence based support and therefore breaching her professional code of conduct imo. I actually think her behaviour is ignorant of research that shows that a sound, early attachment leads to more independent and emotionally resilient children.

What utter bull to suggest your dc is likely to move out later etc. is she a fortune teller?

If you can be bothered please complain. This person can potentially very much damage a new parent's confidence which could lead to pnd or at least undermine a mother's (or father's) confidence.

You sound like you are doing just fine. Good on you!!!

Meh. My Dd is 3 and still firmly wedged in my bed between me and DH.
Take no notice!

We used to get the rubbish about "it must be damaging your relationship". At first I was polite. But then I would explain how dh and I liked to shag in places other than our bed and that sometimes we did it during the day.

Then I would politely enquire after their sex life.

I only ever had to do this once

My HV is on a power trip we moved into our new house and had to rib it apart because the house took forever to complete we moved in 2 days before baby arrived. She arrived first time and was perfectly normal because DH was home second time DH was at work she checked the DC had beds and clean sheets the house was perfectly clean just 50's style, she then wanted to see where the baby slept and was shocked to fond the basket had a pillow in it and a doll covered in a blanket shouted at me for letting the baby sleep in the basket with all that stuff in it I then explained that DD's had been playing with it she felt she should remind me that baby things are not toys! She also threatened to report us for medical neglect because I forgot one appointment for her jabs! If ever DH was here she would ask him questions would be fine bit not when she was talking about me. She was obsessed that I had postnatal depression I didn't. Can I confirm my house is perfectly normally clean but not spot less cleaner than most people I know with small DC the kids are loved completely! I worked in health care and had no idea I'm such a neglectful mother.

DC3 1 year review soon I'll be going on my own with DC3 and will be recording it

Yanbu.
I would make a complaint. I would ask her to educate herself by reading Three in a Bed by Deborah Jackson.

HV are not fit for purpose. Refuse to engage with them.

"HV are not fit for purpose."

Perfectly put. I'd be amazed if no-one's complained about this woman before or told her to eff off

T

Tha

O

Thanks. I am going to make a complaint in writing so that hv will hopefully rein it in with future mums. I am really pissed off about the whole thing, but also concerned about what may have been written in my record. Will gp have put this on my medical file if hv has raised it with them?

Hv asked me about dds contact with her dad, which is regular. When I said I had residence, hv kept telling me her dad had equal rights etc. apparently since the law was changed in 2004. Wtf?! I never said there was a problem, I did call her up on it at the time and said ex had given me residence, it's in writing and no one's contesting it she kept saying since.\ 2004 single mothers can't stop children seeing their dad unless there's violence. None of this was relevant as I'd made clear that I encourage contact. She was also keen to ask if I'd been married and whether he was on the birth certificate.

It's bizarre.

She is wrong.
She really shouldn't have said that to you.
You should have my hv, shes lovely.

Some HV's are just idiots.

Mine told me I should take then 2.5yr old DD to McDonalds so she could learn table manners as we didn't have a dining table Then called to say she was concerned about the lack of places to eat.

We'd just moved house and were waiting for the new table to be delivered and she had a high chair so its not like she was eating off the floor!

I'm shocked.
The hv's here don't even class co sleeping as a need to contact a mother. My gp tried as I mentioned my dd co sleeps and the hv never bothered to contact me.
Definitely complain.

Wow! I am a very disgusted Catsize.

Although i havent seen a hv for a check for some time. Its usually the nursery nurse. They dont tell you that though. I dont mind btw. Shes really nice too. You all need to move here. But i wonder if it makes a difference?

I love sleeping with my children. They are scrummy.

Sounds like her superiority complex really kicked in on seeing a single mum. What business has she asking you all these questions?

Hey hey some of you! I'm nearly a health visitor and I would never try to influence parents about co sleeping breastfeeding or anything really. I discuss the evidence behind certain recommendations so parents can make an informed choice and allow them to tell me if something is a problem they need advice with.

Next time I would just tell her dd had moved into her own room, with a big smile.
Then report the unprofessional cow.

sharon if it makes you feel better DS' HV was amazing and the fountain of all non-judgey and helpful knowledge, sadly she retired before DD was born.

One of the challenges for the public perception of HV is that each family sees one or only a handful of them, so judgements are formed after tiny sample sizes. The ones I have met have all been lovely, but we haven't actually needed anything from them, so I have no idea whether they are effective for the families who really need them.

The also perform a screening role, so most of their interactions will appear unnecessary. But occasionally they spot something that does matter and whether they notice and how they respond are really the test of them

I thought that having a 2.5 year check was a bit pointless as DD was very obviously fine and her nursery staff are at least as qualified as the nursery nurse who did it. There must be more economic ways of dealing with the 2.5 year check for children who attend nursery.

Pico a model is being developed for a 2 year check in partnership with nursery- however many children are not in nursery at 2 I'd say a good 50% are not

I know that our nursery did some sort of 2.5 year assessment which they got me to drop into the HV. Not all nurseries are equal - ours is great and I completely trust their judgement, but some nurseries/nursery staff might not be reliable enough to spot stuff, so I can understand being cautious about replacing the HV led check with a nursery one.

Inevitably with universal screening you do more work than is efficient, you wouldn't want to miss a child because they aren't in nursery. And it isn't the individual HV who make decisions about whether they see each child, so it isn't a criticism of HV that the process is unnecessary for some children.

There will always be some of the most vulnerable children who slip through the net and aren't seen (either at home or in childcare) and the model needs to be developed around finding those children, even if a load of confident parents whinge that it is a waste of time or money.

My HV looked at my answers for the Edinburgh Test and told me I didn't feel how I said I did. Then she changed the answers. So I never asked for help for my PND again from anyone.