to think there's nothing 'wrong' with my parenting and the NHS doesn't need to fix it?

[oneandnotlonelyk]

I took dd for her 2.5 year health check a few weeks ago. I hadn't been to the doctor or health visitor for either of us since dds one year check as we're both pretty healthy, and no issues to report.

At the check, the hv asked about our sleeping arrangements, I said dd sleeps in my bed with me (she goes to bed earlier obviously), the room is safe and toddler proof. She has her own room and bed but prefers mine. The hv seemed ok with it, but then said I have separation issues and should consider counselling. I responded, telling her I'm happy with the situation, as is dd, I said the situation originated when I was bfing and found it easier to co sleep. I said I like co sleeping, it works for us, I like being close to dd, we cuddle etc.

Hv said dd will become too dependent and won't want to move out as an adult, I'm not prioritising my needs to meet a man (I'm a single parent) and therefore not teaching dd how to have a relationship with a man. I did (tongue in cheek) say that as my own relationship had failed, perhaps I'm not the best person to teach dd about relationships with men (haha) and that dd goes to a childminder four days a week while I'm at work, which she loves, so clearly dd isn't dependent on me.

As the hv admitted dd is doing well, is healthy and happy, Aibu to be really passed off that since the appt I've had two more phone calls from her and another hv about my 'separation issues' with dd, plus a gp referral?! I don't think I need counselling, nhs time and interference when I'm doing what I feel best for my dd and millions of people cosleep in other parts of the world. I'm a bit worried that they are going to keep harassing me.

One - absolute bullshit! I agree entirely with OPs who say tell HV what she wants to hear. Not all HVs are inept and no doubt there are amazing HVs out there but mine was a complete law onto herself. She is no longer a HV and when I bumbed into her recently after about 10 years she told me she left the profession years ago. Thank God is all I could say.

My DCs are late teens and I feel sorry for new mums sometimes. They are bombarded with so much 'scientific advice' that it renders them incapable of making their own decisions. You sound like a very loving parent. Separation anxiety and won't move out as an adult - I think I have heard it all now!

Trust your instincts!

My understanding is that the more secure a child is (and I feel strongly that co-sleeping when it works for everyone is one way to make a child feel more secure) the more able they are to have healthy, secure adult relationships, and that forcing them to be independent, in whatever situation, before they are ready can impact on their security and therefore their future relationships. i.e. the exact opposite of what she said.

I found all interaction with my HV team to be a waste of time. I know others have had great experiences with wonderful HCPs who have added value to their children's lives etc. etc. but it's not my experience at all.

And no YANBU, and your parenting does not need fixing.

My HV suggested weaning dd on Petit Filous - do they not know how much sugar is in those things!

And I too had issues with her attitude to us co-sleeping. Which, funnily enough, I chose not to disclose to any other hcp since.

Totally agree that the majority of hvs are a waste of resources.

How ridiculous! What about the large number of single parents who can only afford a one bedroom and have no choice but to co sleep with their children. Are all of these children going to grow up with attachment issues? Utter bollocks.

Make a complaint.

She is being very unprofessional.

How dare she comment about your needs for a relationship!

Totally.

Because a woman can't possibly be happy alone.

Opinionated skank!

I never let an HV into my home and never went to visit one.

Your OP has reminded me that I did the right thing.

Total waste of our dwindling public money. Be better to have a proper children's GP in eat GP surgery instead.

And it is a cultural thing as well. When I mentioned getting a new big bed for my 6 year old my friend at work (Malay) was a bit taken aback and said that she had been in her parent's bed until 10.

Hv said dd will become too dependent and won't want to move out as an adult, I'm not prioritising my needs to meet a man (I'm a single parent) and therefore not teaching dd how to have a relationship with a man.

I would have been so tempted to tell her that I was bring her up as a lesbian, so that wouldn't be a problem!

YANBU, and the HV is being really, really unprofessional and inappropriate in commenting on your relationship status. Report them.

You should report her - she is abusing her power and needs reining in. I do think that HVs and similar can go power mad.

I agree with reporting, ridiculous speculation on your daughter's future relationships to telling you that you're dedicating enough time to finding a man

It's easy enough to ignore/lie when you are confident and well researched to know that she's being ridiculous however, my concern is that she'll be spouting this crap to someone who lacks confidence in what they're doing or believe that as an HCP, that the professional bit actually means something, and consequently stops doing something, like extended bfing or co sleeping or being single at the detriment of themselves and their child.

I think that in all honesty, health visitors need to be rebranded as an advisory service where most of them just provide anecdotal opinion and that they stop purporting to be at the cutting edge of current paediatric care.

• not dedicating enough time to finding a man..

Tell her to bugger off. My DD co slept until she was around 3 then decided she preferred sleeping in her bed, but still trotted in around 3 am. You have the right to parent in any way that suits you.

Is this the same health visitor that told my friend that her baby would not stop crying because she put him in nursery while she went back to work? Turned out her baby was actually ill.

Gosh, this just sounds weird to me. We've just had 2.5year check and sleeping wasn't mentioned other than 'is he sleeping well?' (Me: yes, he's a good sleeper) - why else would it be discussed? How did it come about?
Tbh, my r'ship with ds's dad wasn't mentioned either (we're together and married, but she had no reason to know this iyswim).
If she really made the personal and unprofessional remarks you've described I would definitely give some feedback about this person.
There's a lot of HV bashing on this thread and I'd just like to say ours is absolutely lovely, hasn't ever said anything weird or patronising and just genuinely wants to see that ds is doing well and is fine. I'm sure not everyone has that experience but not everyone has a bad one either.

The idea that you need to keep that space in your bed free so that you can spontaneously drag a man off the street into it is disturbing. Even if you met someone, I'd like to think that you spent long enough building a relationship with him that you could also move your toddler into her own bed before you 'needed' that space free.

I think that your HV needs a reality check. If I mention that our nearly 4 yo DD ends up in our bed about 50% of nights, lots of other parents seem relieved that it isn't just them. Cosleeping is normal and takes a variety of forms.

I really doubt that a GP will be interested.

I was once interrogated by a nurse in A and E (my child had a bad fever and the GP was shut) over my DCs' sleeping arrangements. I told her that they were sleeping on mattresses because we'd moved into a rental house and the bunk bed frame was too high for the room. She reported me to my GP and health visitor for that. It was pure power freakery.
I hate the idea that as a single mum you're supposed to be out (out when? How?) scouring the streets for men. Would she be happier if you moved a new boyfriend into your bed every few months? I'm guessing not. She just wanted to get at someone.

Boundaries crossed. I'd complain. Maybe you don't want a bloody relationship. YANBU. What a load of tosh.

Wtf! In many parts of thw world they have never heard of cosleeping. babies sleep with their mothers. It's so normal it doesn't have a name.

I cosleep. Hadn't planned to. Just feels right and maximises my sleep.

I hate that at the back of my mind is always guilt that I shouldn't be cosleeping, that it's lazy parenting.

I have a DH, who spends most nights in the spare room. We miss each other, but he's a grown man. My baby benefits so much more from being with me.

I know someone who co-slept with her daughter until daughter was 13. She was a very dependent, spoilt girl mind you.

DS1 slept in my bed until he was 9/10. He's 27 now and moved to Southern France last year, after 3 years at a city uni (we're from rural NW England).

That shoots her theory in the foot slightly doesn't it?