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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re asking this favour of DD?

140 replies

Weathergames · 30/07/2014 21:49

I am a single parent to 3 and I work full time.

Last week took kids on foreign holiday and have taken Friday off to take kids to Thorpe Park.

Am getting in from work to find NOTHING has been done not even jobs they are expected to do.

Elder two aged 17 and 15 out all day with mates at beach etc younger one is in most of the time.

17 yr old working tomoz so have asked 15 yr old DD to be here tomoz between 12-1 to let in electrician and be here while he does work (1-2 r job).

She is being a right primadonna about it and saying it's the "one day EVERYONE" is going to the beach :(

Am I being a total bitch?

OP posts:
SistersOfPercy · 31/07/2014 11:09

^Have I got this right you leave your 12 year autistic child home alone because the other 2 are out doing there own thing.

Wow^

LongJane I'm assuming you know OP personally then? Given you know how Autistic the child is, whether someone calls in on him and how he functions on his own you surely must....

UnderEstherMate · 31/07/2014 11:12

YANBU. I would have thrown the same strop at her age and my mum probably would have caved in an rearranged. I have learnt from her mistake!

ArcheryAnnie · 31/07/2014 11:14

Eh, if you are a single parent, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you stay at home you are a benefit queen, if you go out to work you are a horrible, no-good, neglectful mother. Anyone who thinks the OP shouldn't go out to work, either offer to lend a hand with childcare, or shut up.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 31/07/2014 11:22

longjane

My autistic DS1 loved being left home alone when he was 12/13. He didn't really go out with his mates - partly because he didn't really have any mates & partly because the outside world was/is too confusing and he would have got lost very quickly.

So long as he had phone numbers for myself & DH & a key to get out in an emergency (things he worried about and we had to put in his hand before we left) he was as happy as Larry. It was about as much 'freedom' as he had at that age & even autistic teenagers need to be able to learn a little independence!

It actually did him good to feel that he had 'coped' alone for a couple oh hours. It helped his self confidence no end.

I think we should trust that OP knows her own child & has made a sensible decision based on that.

shaska · 31/07/2014 11:27

If I know anything about teenagers, then none of them will even make it to the beach until after 1 anyway, so she's unlikely to miss much.

But that aside, I don't think YABU at all. I understand the strop, because that's teenagers. Just ignore the strop. If you can afford it and wanted to be nice, you could pick up some snacks/drinks for her to take to the beach after as a thank you.

Jayne35 · 31/07/2014 11:34

YANBU, your DCs should be helping around the house when you are at work, summer holidays or not. I don't think it's a problem expecting your DD to let the Electrician in - however it might be a problem for the electrician. When we had a plumber round recently DD lied and said she was 18 (was 17) as he asked, said he couldn't come in otherwise as not CRB checked.

Gileswithachainsaw · 31/07/2014 11:41

Tbh I thought this was jut the done thing.

I remember waiting in for parcels or phone calls or preparing dinner for when my parents got back.

Small price to pay for not having to drag round other people's houses for "looking after" I'd have been embarrassed tbh if my mother had to take time off because I was to selfish to stay in for a couple of hours.

combust22 · 31/07/2014 11:42

"I'm still very much of the "it's not a favour, it's an instruction" frame of mind"

Archie do you have teenagers?

ArcheryAnnie · 31/07/2014 11:59

combust yes, one DS.

combust22 · 31/07/2014 12:53

I don't give orders to my teenage children.

Ragwort · 31/07/2014 12:58

Combust - perhaps you are therefore lucky enough to have thoughtful and kind teenagers who offer to help? Or do you never need them to help you Confused.

I give orders to my teenage DS - yes, I have tried the asking nicely, negotiating etc etc ............. in the end it is simpler to give orders Grin.

combust22 · 31/07/2014 13:09

I don't think I am lucky- and yes my children do help a lot around the house.

Teenagers are young adults and by that age should have a responsible attitude towards others in the family, recognising that we all need to pull together. We have mutual respect for each other.

Do you order your OH to do things too?

ArcheryAnnie · 31/07/2014 13:24

I give instructions to mine, combat, not orders. (And I don't have DH or a DW, but if I did, well, adults are not children.)

Original poster
Weathergames · 31/07/2014 13:38

I asked her on Monday - it wasn't last minute.

OP posts:
combust22 · 31/07/2014 13:38

But the transition from child to adult is not a clear cut thing. When do your " instructions" stop- or indeed do they? When they are 16? 18?

THe teenage years are a transitional time when children are learning to become adults and must learn also the rights. responsibilities and be allowed to exercise altruistic thought in order for them to become fully fledged.

ArcheryAnnie · 31/07/2014 13:43

It's not either/or, combust, it's both. My issuing instructions, when they are needed, doesn't stop DS from learning "the rights. responsibilities" or stop him exercising "altruistic thought".

combust22 · 31/07/2014 13:46

Would you also "instruct" a partner if you had one?

todayisnottheday · 31/07/2014 18:54

Well, if you asked her several days before then ywnbu. She needed to plan, you're obviously not inundating her with tasks! Hope it worked out.

missymayhemsmum · 31/07/2014 22:31

Nope, you are not being a bitch, your kids are being teenagers and taking the p. They're at the age when you need to be moving from 'mum works 24/7 to look after kids' to 'four people who live together and contribute some tasks' as your model, but it won't happen without some push from you. Presumably your dd uses electricity? If so it's in her interests to let the electrician in.

Time for working mum rant no 3! (You know, the one that goes "I can't do everything and nor should I have to") Put your foot down girl!

ArcheryAnnie · 01/08/2014 10:32

Partners =/= children.

I'm a parent to one. I'm not a parent to the other.

SorryForTheTypos · 01/08/2014 10:40

If you sprung it on her when she already had plans then YABU.

SorryForTheTypos · 01/08/2014 10:46

Just seen your last post actually OP.

In that case, considering the beach is right next to where you live and you gave her 3 days notice YANBU.

Ragwort · 01/08/2014 12:28

Teenagers are young adults and by that age should have a responsible attitude towards others in the family - I think the key word in that phrase Combust is 'should'.

Yes, I absolutely agree with you that teenagers should have a responsible attitude - but what if they don't? That is why I give instructions to my teen. I would love to think that we had a great relationship and happily agreed what chores needed doing etc etc but unfortunately that is not the case at the moment ............... hopefully things will improve. And I believe I bought my teen up to be kind, helpful (he certainly was when he was younger), he is not materially spoilt - but I have obviously gone wrong somewhere.

And no, I do not issue instructions to my DH because fortunately he does have a responsible attitude towards others in the family Grin.

combust22 · 01/08/2014 12:31

If they don't ragwort then something has gone wrong along the way.

RiverTam · 01/08/2014 12:39

well, that's helpful, combust Hmm.

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